Dear Klal Yisroel,
Tu B’av is here. I see that there are many inspirational speeches and tzedaka campaigns going on as well as tefilla events. It is truly heartwarming to see how deeply we care about the plight of our daughters, granddaughters, sisters, neighbors and friends; may these tefillos etc. bring positive results with many shidduchim b’karov.
I would just like to bring to the attention of my dear fellow yidden that Tu bav was seemingly primarily a day of hishtadlus. Therefore, along with your tefillos, don’t forget to do your basic hishtadlus by reaching out to shadchanim, family and friends. As much as these actions usually leave one feeling that they accomplished nothing, it is still worthwhile. Keep in mind that all you need is one boy and one girl. You never know when your reminder to the shadchan will come at just the right moment when they just met a boy that would be perfect for your daughter. Just because the shadchan did not respond does not mean that he did not get your message (they simply do not have the time to respond to everyone). Unless you are truly an amazing baal bitachon, do not allow lofty ideals of bitachon that great tzaddikim had or have to stop you from doing the basic hishtadlus that you are obligated to do. Let’s not think that we are smarter than our parents, grandparents and most of the gedolai yisroel who did hishtadlus for this just like they did for everything else in life, while knowing t`hat ultimately everything is in the hands of Hashem (I know that several gedolim may have said otherwise but that was still not the way that most of klal yisroel acted שאל אביך ויגדך).
Additionally, as Rav Gershon Ribner recently stated, the Roshei Yeshiva who hold the key to solving this man-made shidduch catastrophe are unaware of the extent of the suffering that us common folk are going through. The reason is that firstly, their daughters are sought after by their talmidim and others. Additionally, the simple folk who are going through this crisis are too proud to pour their hearts out to the roshei yeshiva. Therefore, I implore each and every one of you to pick up the phone and for just a few minutes swallow your pride and respectfully let your rosh yeshiva know what is truly going on behind the closed door of thousands of homes. Let them know what is behind that brave mask that we put on every time we venture out into the street and every time we attend a simcha. Plead with them to stop the madness of (needlessly, for the most part) sending bochurim to Eretz Yisroel for such a long period of time and thereby damning thousands of our girls to a life of being alone רח”ל.
I want to end with a frightening quote that is brought down in the Haggada of the Tchebiner Rov zt”l, that came out this past year. He writes (this is not an exact quote as I do not currently have access to the sefer) that the reason why the Holocaust happened was because there were many bnos yisroel who could not get married and klal yisroel did nothing to help them. Are we רח”ל guilty of the same? How can we allow this disaster to go on for so long?! Why when a tzara happens רח”ל there are a handful of topics that always come up as being the cause but never does anyone think that the cause may be the needless suffering of thousands of our precious daughters. Lets wake up NOW and do our maximum hishtadlus along with maximum tefilla, tzedaka and bitochon. ולה’ הישועה
Sincerely,
A concerned, dismayed and broken Yid
P.S. I plead with all the עמי הארץ who are going to respond with misguided comments about there not being a shidduch crisis rather a bitachon crisis, to please try for just one moment to use their brains and understand something that Rav Elya Ber made clear, and that is, that all the bitachon in the world will not help since there are not enough boys due to the age gap issue. Additionally, it is well known that many of the foremost roshei yeshiva agree to the problem and are willing to make a change but there are a few holdouts that are blocking progress. Please let’s do our small part.
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17 Responses
older singles chizuk
R’ Sholom Ahron Ehrenfeld
https://torahanytime.com/lectures/301369
https://builder.bookipi.com/pages/sholom-ehrenfeld
The Shidduch Crisis: Should a Idealistic Girl Agree to a Working Boy
R’ Sholom Ahron Ehrenfeld
https://torahanytime.com/lectures/283725
If There Are NO BOYS LEFT ARE THEY PLANNING TO MARRY CONVERTS
R’ Sholom Ahron Ehrenfeld
https://torahanytime.com/lectures/310099
https://builder.bookipi.com/pages/sholom-ehrenfeld
Kol HaKavod to YWN for publishing this. It is truly a crises in not following Daas Torah. The Israeli Gedolim have written numerous letters about this yet we the Litvish community overseas have IGNORED them. This is Pikuach Nefesh of the highest regard. One small example which is only a fraction of the problem. Even if some Yeshivos have a freezer policy for the last 20 years not allowing Bochurim to date a few months (contrary to the Israeli Gedolim Halachic opinion) this must be CHANGED ASAP!!!!! There is a bloodbath out there!!! So many innocent Korbonos……
The OP lost me for several reasons:
1. “Shadchan”: It works for some, but not for others. My grandparents met in the 50’s at a shul kiddush. My 45 year old female cousin from Lakewood met her husband at a singles Shabbaton. The OP should understand that although several sects may solely rely on using a shadchan, that isn’t the general klal for frum Jews. How about encouraging mixed seating for dining at weddings (mechitza and fully seperate for dancing), so that singles can meet?
2. Sending bochurim to Israel isn’t ruining anything. There are countless examples I can think of where a Bochur determines that it’s best he remain in Israel, gets married, and grows a family in E’Y. There are also single and available girls in Israel, the last time I checked. How about actually praising Bochurim for becoming mature and ready for marriage (whether the US or Israel) as a result of learning in Israel?
3. A wise person wouldn’t opine (or even quote) how or why the holocaust occurred. Think of how you would share your source with a surviver who got remarried and has dozens of great grandchildren. Would they welcome your comment after losing parents, aunts, uncles, and cousins?
Try to take a step out of your narrow box:
If anyone intelligent , well read on this topic, open minded and non agenda driven reads this post they will be able to perceive its agenda driven and in my opinion very flawed and all over the place.. No one yet i have seen has been able to clearly articulate with paid research and shidduch crisis or its likes. I welcome anyone above to email me at [email protected]
Start by not making girls crazy to only go out with someone planning to learn in Kollel before they turn older. Let bochurim go to Israel before 4th year or they don’t go at all.
I am concerned that this letter denegrates C’V our choshuva roshei yeshiva by making it look like they dont know what is going on, this is how Daas Torah is not listened to by people doubting what is presented to them. we must listen to OUR LOCAL Daas Torah
You are concerned that the letter denigrates the Roshei Yeshiva? Are you concerned in the least bit about Bnos Yisroel? Are they worthless in your eyes?!
Just FYI most “Local” roshei yeshiva fully agree to everything written here as is well known from what took place at the recent meeting at the home of R’ Shlomo Feivel Shustal in Lakewood.
I’d like for one of the poor unfortunate suffering older single girls to post here when she last said yes to a shidduch.
We have lost sight of the true definition of a Ben Torah and, frankly, what it means to be a responsible, ethical Yid. Sitting all day and fantasizing about new interpretations of Gemara, while being disturbingly well-versed in news and politics, does not make one a Ben Torah. If your wife is working tirelessly without breaks while you remain idle, that is not dedication to Torah; it’s being irresponsible and lazy.
A true Ben Torah is someone who prioritizes their responsibilities, starting with taking charge of their family. It is through fulfilling these obligations and then dedicating every spare moment to learning—whether at night, early in the morning, on Friday, or Shabbos—that one truly embodies what it means to be a Ben Torah.
To Lakewoodbt. I’m pretty sure Rabbi Ribner is LOCAL DAAS TORAH……. However there is one Torah given by Har Sinai (I’m not sure what local means). When people are undergoing challenges we all turn to the Israeli Gedolim because we all know that they are the torch bearers of our Mesorah. It has been proven that their Berachos bear fruit and are effective in heaven.
I don’t think people go for LOCAL Berachos as they go to the Gedolim in Eretz Yisrael. Incidentally the Israeli Gedolim wrote several letters to the Tzibbur in America that changes have to be made to the Shidduch system by Litvaks in America. They anlso wrote several times that alol American Yeshivos should eliminate the Freezer policy in its entirety.
Ironically the Israeli Litvaks don’t have Shidduch crises like they do in the USA because people actually listen to the Gedolie HaDor…..
To the letter writer.
You quote Reb Ribner, who makes clear that Rav Solovietchik holds the keys to solving the crisis. So why then has NASI not sat with Rav Soloveitchik to solve it ?
Being in my 50’s , I have heard any reasons for the Holocaust , but this is a brand new one. Where exactly were these pre-war girls ? Why were they at a bigger disadvantage then the boys? R Gershon Ribner says that if you signed up for learning in those days , then you were signing up for possible bachelorhood because the girls didn’t want you. So which girls are we talking about?
And why have we not seen the poor precious B’nos Yisroel girl’s and their representatives mobilize together for action by unanimously waiting till 21 , in order to mitigate at least 50% of your said crisis? Seems like your designated precious B’nos Yisroel victims disagree with you about weather they even have a crisis, by not taking some action on their own in the last 20 years to fix their crisis.
This year we saw 5 Yeshivas coming to cut 4th year Bais Medresh in order to help fix the crisis, so clearly the Rosh Yeshivas do care and changes have already been made, so what more you still want ?
Why do most shadchanim report that the parents of your B’nos Yisroel only want a specific type of learning boy from a specific family brand , and there are not enough of those to go around?
We are talking meat and potatoes here, not idealism!
Please get your story straight before you go public.
A very wise & dynamic Rabbi wrote this a few years ago.
Tu B’av Reframe (‘21):
On Tu B’av, single women would dance in the vineyards of Yerushalayim as a means of finding a spouse. So no, Tu B’av is not the day we “nebech” daven for older singles. It’s the day the Jewish community was creative and bold enough to try new methods to encourage single men and women to meet and marry.
On Tu B’av, the leaders of the Jewish People recognized that tribalism was going to cause the tribe of Benyamin to cease to exist, and encouraged inter-tribal marriage. So no, Tu B’av is not a Jewish valentines. It’s the day Jews learned to value different types of Jews, not only with lip-service to Ahavas Yisrael, but with *respect* for Klal Yisrael to the point that they married Jews of different tribes.
On Tu B’av of the 40th year of the Jewish People’s wandering in the desert, the men stopped dying, letting the survivors know they were finally ready to enter the land of Israel. So no, Tu B’av is not an insignificant day on the Jewish calendar. It’s the day we were taught that Hashem forgives, and that one should never lose hope.
Happy Tu B’av
Source: Talmud Bavli, Taanis, 30b
To Harbutzas Hatorah,
I fully agree with your point. According to חובות הלבבות, when someone goes out to work in the morning, they should do so with the intention of fulfilling the mitzvah of supporting their family. This is derived from the verse, “וַיַּנִּחֵ֣הוּ בְגַן־עֵ֔דֶן לְעָבְדָ֖ה וּלְשָׁמְרָֽה” (Genesis 2:15), which highlights the importance of work.
The article in question seems misguided. Shidduchim, like everything else, are ultimately determined from above. Merely changing the system won’t resolve the issue. However, if parents of girls could shift their understanding of what it means to be a “בן תורה,” it might significantly help alleviate the shidduch crisis.
We ALL know the real truth
THERE IS NO SHIDDUCH CRISES
Hashem already setup your sons and everyone else’s son/daughter zivug 40 days before they were even born. Forget about the fact that now they are holding at around 20 or so years later since they were born. Hashem has their zivug waiting for them and can send it to your son/daughter immediately but is just waiting for each person involved in shidduchim to do their RUCHNIUS hishtadlus of Bitachon and Emunah(faith and trust in Hashem) together with Tefillos/Prayers.
Mrs. Seminary girl,/Mr. Learning/working boy Are YOU doing your RUCHNIUS hishtadlus? Not just your gashmius hishtadlus of dating and speaking to shadchanim etc….?
Start turning directly to Hashem for help in all your needs, especially shidduchim that they say is a bigger miracle than the splitting of the Yam suf.
Why are we not putting our faith and trust directly in our loving father, king of kings, ruler of the world Hashem? Especially when we all know the truth that Hashem has everything down to every person’s breath and penny of income already decreed since Rosh Hashanah for the entire upcoming year? Of course we need to do our Hishtadlus but the ultimate secret for success in our needs is to turn Directly to the source Hashem for help in anything. as we say in bentching from Tehillim “ודורשי ה לא יחסרו כל טוב” i.e. for one who seeks out Hashem directly lacks nothing that is good.
If all you say is “absolute”, then why have hatzalah? Tzedaka funds? Chai Lifeline? Etc…
It’s all determined by HaShem and we are supposed to just sit back have bitachon and do nothing???
That attitude is why we are still in galus 2000 years later.
HaShem wants action. If you don’t create a keli, the brochos have no place to go.