I’m sitting here on a motzei shabbos at 4:00 in the morning. It has been a very brutal shabbos for me and as hard as I tried, I wasn’t able to sleep. I went out for a drive and parked near the ocean.
Looking out, watching the extreme darkness over the normally beautiful waters of the ocean, I can’t help but draw a parallel to my current emotional state.
On a typical sunny day, I can spend hours gazing at the beautiful ocean.
The gorgeous blue waters of the sea mirror the beautiful blue sky. I can listen to the sound of the waves crashing against the shore in perfect symmetry, crashing aloud yet so soft at the same time. As I would look further into the sea, I would see how the sky and the water become one. It’s as though the water is telling me that I can reach the sky if I put my mind to it.
However, on this dark night, I see none of that.
No sky. No water. No waves. Nothing other than pure and absolute darkness.
Looking back into my dark car, into myself, into my soul, I feel one with the vibe I’m getting.
I too am feeling so dark. So alone. So lonely and so full of pain.
Although I’ve heard you all say that my soul is bright and that I need to look at the beauty within me, right now, in the darkness of my soul, I see and feeling nothing.
Absolutely nothing. No soul. No family. No love. Nothing at all other than extreme darkness. I’m here alone, in the darkness of the night sitting with the darkness in my soul.
If you’d see me tomorrow, you’ll see a man with a beautiful ocean. I have an amazing spouse and children. I have a great job. I own a house.
While I agree I have a lot to be grateful for, and believe me I don’t take that lightly, right now, I’m in the midst of a very dark period.
There is no one out there throwing me a lifeline. There are no ships coming to lift me above the brutally cold waters. It’s me and my soul; hurting, haunted and shattered from all the abuse and trauma I’ve endured.
While I know I’m safe and that this wave of darkness will pass as I’ve been here many times before, I can’t help but wonder about the many whom aren’t really safe.
I have been in therapy for many years.
I’ve been working on myself with every modality I can get my hands on, tried all sorts of treatments, yet I still have times like this. However my heart bleeds for the ones that are at the beginning of their healing journey. For the ones in the midst of this all, perhaps not as safe as I am now.
My heart aches while thinking of their hopelessness, helplessness and loneliness.
My heart bleeds for their pain.
While I do acknowledge that our community has made great strides in the world of mental health, it’s simply not enough. There still exists an enormous amount of shame and stigma specifically in the male Jewish community.
I’ll be heading back home soon and as I’ll be driving back, I know I’ll be wishing I can tell some friends tomorrow that I’ve had a brutal night. That my emotions got the better of me after a very difficult shabbos and that I was in a very dark place.
I so wish we can have more of a support system in place for my fellow travelers.
I so wish we can support each other while walking on this path.
I so wish we can shine a light on each other instead of everyone grappling in the dark while finding their way.
I so wish things would be different.
Listening to the waves of the ocean, doing their job despite the darkness, I’m wondering if perhaps we can actually make some change.Perhaps we can help bring some more support and light to those traveling alone.
I don’t know yet how, what or when. If it should be an online support group, in person or virtual groups or perhaps an organization which helps fund for therapy.
I’m definitely open for suggestions. I’m also happy to be a support for others who are on this journey.
I can be reached at [email protected]
Sincerely,
A “typical” Jewish father, husband and business owner, suffering alone.
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13 Responses
Wow we support you and you should know that.
Also I believe therapy is one of modern society’s biggest scams. You pay a person 150-200 an hour for them to hear your problems and maybe say one or two things as a response.
Instead we need to focus on rooting out the problems that got so many things into this place. Feminism has infiltrated our communities and controlling wives are making life hard on their husbands.
Also the yeshiva system doesn’t really have a sense of community like chasidim do. That could all be improved.
Such chesed organizations that the author of this article asks to be created already exist in the frum community.
No two situations are the same
But my two year battle with depression taught me that a person can choose what he focuses on. It remains the hardest thing I have ever done. But I got myself out of it without meds etc. it required a singular focus to constantly be thinking of something other than my “black hole”
I had a difficult life back then, and focusing on it became a habit and that turned into depression. That habit can be unlearned, but requires massive effort.
Hatzlocha
I am similar in that, at times, I focus on the ongoing nagging issues with……this employee…that customer….my wife….kid #2…..kid #5……myself…..money….and on and on. Overtime, and with therapy, I’ve trained myself to try to focus on the good as often as I can. B’H for that employee, customer, wife, kids, myself, money, etc. It works a lot of the time. Bracha v’hatzlacha in all that you do. May you see all the good and be an eved hashem b’simcha.
If Yeshiva World posted this letter for positive reasons, then the first, exceptionally unhelpful comment by Yanky1998 should be removed. Someone expressing their darkest fears is not the time for you to be standing on your soapbox shouting at some imaginary villain
I hear everything you are saying and you are so right .
So here is a life tip for you and anyone going through any kind of hardship in their life currently or in the past etc… rather it’s livelihood or family issues etc …. Or shidduchim….
The tip is to most importantly remember that “A PERSON -YES YOU-IS SENT DOWN TO THIS TEMPORARY PHYSICAL WORLD TO BE TESTED BY HASHEM”
if you just remember this fact and truth then %50 of your entire life will be easier meaning %50 of the yoke of all tests will come off your back when YOU just remind yourself that this is why you are currently going through this situation…..
Our forefather Avraham avinu didn’t only have 10 tests but went through hundreds throughout his life, the Torah mentions his 10 hardest ones.
May Hashem give you lots of hatzlacha in all your needs and answer all your teffillos when you call out to him wholeheartedly
I recently couldn’t function because of anxiety and depression and decided to speak to my regular doctor about it. Usually just go to him for a physical. He was very encouraging and prescribed me medicine temporarily until I get out of this funk I’m in. He said there are many many! People who are on some medicine help.
I am all for giving sick people the treatment they need, as long as this treatment is in line with our Torah values.
However let’s not kid ourselves about stigma and shame. Crazy people make the lives of everyone around them miserable, they spread mental disease like it’s contagious, and in severe cases, they even hurt and kill random people around them. It definitely should be stigmatized.
If you are suffering, you should be able to modestly take your treatment, but not advertise it to the world as if you are some hero. A hero is someone who overcomes difficulty to help others, and that’s not you. If we stop stigmatizing mental illness and even celebrate it, we’ll end up like the TikTok generation, everyone flaunting real and fake mental instances for sympathy points.
Why do Chazal say that the maspid who brings the olam to tears is doing the mitzvah right? For one thing because we are supposed to feel our loss of our brother! Neither is easy, not to do it and not to feel it. Yasher Koacha “typical father” it is great what you did and it certainly helps some of us to feel your pain and the pain of the others we may know or be close to.
Doom 777:
Perhaps you might consider getting some help for your progressive values and overdone empathy for those dealing with real world challenges.
mental illness shouldn’t be stigmatized any more than any other medical condition, like a broken arm. it’s just a problem that needs treating.
In this world of luxury pleasures what people say is good it’s not necessarily the truth the song says “cause not in death will be take his honor” but what it doesn’t say is that in his death he will take his addiction to it and that the luxury pleasures of this world are false the honor and the tongue and the beauty all this doesn’t necessarily bring a person to the truth that God had for him it is only addiction not shalom the success of a house is only for certain years but that of the grave is for hundreds and what ever he has in this life makes an effect on the person soul it’s not just extra sugar and the abuse of disrespect of the human is what the test of modesty help yourself first and then the belief that if God gave me them it’s heaven sent
Some of you brothers have keen spiritual senses and golus affects you more severely.
You see, golus and happiness are ultimately mutually exclusive. We aren’t here to “pursue happiness” but to seek out sparks – which involves looking for them in the midst of growing darkness.
Seek out and treasure each and every rare and precious moment of joy that Hashem gives. Share them, celebrate them and magnify them… especially when the feelings aren’t there.
Shabbat Shalom!