With all the talk about the age gap that exists in shidduchim, the general problems with the current shidduch system are forgotten about. But unfortunately, even when taking out the age gap crisis, things in the “market” are going quickly from bad to worse. I know it, because I’m living it.
Here’s what just happened to me, the mother of a wonderful boy currently in shidduchim. A shadchan that has redt several shidduchim for my son will soon be making a simcha. A friend who heard about this breathlessly called me and urged me to send a very nice gift to the shadchan in honor of the simcha.
“Why?” I asked, perplexed at why I am expected to send a gift to a shadchan whose relationship with me has been nothing more than emailing me resumes.
“What do you mean,” my friend replied, clearly shocked at my response. “Do you want this shadchan to forget about your son?”
Forget about my son? Why would he forget about my son because I didn’t partake in a simcha that I know nothing about? My accountant doesn’t forget to do my taxes because I didn’t send him a meat board for his vacht nacht – why would a shadchan be any different?
“Look, this is what we’re dealing with. Either you can play the game or you can forget about your son getting any good matches,” my friend said.
Now I sit here trembling. Is this what the shidduch system has come to? For our children to even be on a shadchan‘s radar we have to butter them up? Is this the hishtadlus in shidduchim we’ve been told about by our rabbanim, or is it simply bribery to push ourselves ahead in line? To me, it’s obviously the latter.
Thinking about it, I can’t imagine I would ever even want to make a shidduch with a family that engages in such low behavior. Selling yourself out to a shadchan so that a child gets redt appropriate names? Have we gone completely off the rails?
As far as shadchanim are concerned, if this is what it takes to get them to do their job properly, they shouldn’t be in the business. I know their job isn’t easy, and I don’t envy it. But if you’re doing it, you should be doing it right. Don’t treat people differently based on how much they are mechanef you. Every boy and girl deserves the same opportunity to get married and build a bayis ne’eman b’yisroel. And while I’m sure everyone would nod their head in agreement to that statement, it doesn’t seem like anybody actually believes it or acts like they do.
NOTE: The views expressed here are those of the authors and do not necessarily represent or reflect the views of YWN.
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23 Responses
Good people have a natural tendency to give back to those who give them. That’s Hakarat Hatov. But it’s true, if your gift is just a way to earn Hakarat Hatov because you want something from the person, and not because you are truly happy for them, maybe you shouldn’t give it. Maybe you shouldn’t look at this person as simply sending you emails. You should view them as someone who takes time to think about your son and be appreciative to them and happy for them during their simha. Your obligation of Hakarat Hatov doesn’t fall away if you pay them. Shadchanim aren’t just algorithms making matches, they are people. It’s worth giving a gift or showing them appreciation. Not because you want anything in return. Naturally, they will reciprocate.
Did you sign an exclusive contract with this man like with a Real Estate broker to the point where you can not go to another shadchan? I am sure that he is not the only one in business in the community.
Seriously- I wish that all it took to get Shadchanim to stop calling was to not bribe them. Unfortunately, that wasn’t the case. I never asked a Shadchan to put me on their list or even sent them a resume- I never even had a resume. (They would call Yeshivas to get lists of Talmidim and their personal information once they hit a certain age.) Nothing that I tried to get them to stop calling ever worked (except getting engaged). On one occasion my mother told a Shadchan not to call back with anyone for me or my brother until she has a name for my sister- she told my mother off- “THAT’S NOT HOW IT WORKS!!!”.
As far as Shadchanim who shouldn’t be in the business if they can’t do their jobs properly… I agree with you 1,000,000% on that but “properly” can’t be defined in a market where there’s no regulation, no training and no discipline. Who gets to decide what’s “proper”? (I know there’s basic decency but that got thrown out the window long ago.)
Before I got my certifications / credentials I needed to pass a series of exams. To keep them current I need to go to many hours of training every year and part of that training is what I’m required to do and what I’m not allowed to do. When I did consulting, prospective clients would at times ask to see pictures of the physical diploma or certificates, they’re also able to check online if my training is current and if I was ever disciplined. Imagine asking a Shadchan – “So what kind of training did you have?” just to hear “uh, none- I’m a Shadchan because I dabble in Shidduchim…”. Or inquiring if they’ve ever lied? “Uh, sorry I don’t discuss that but I did make X number of shidduchim…”.
Let’s say I was reviewing someone’s health insurance claims at work and noticed that they haven’t refilled their prescription (that they should be taking daily) in a few months and I called the persons Rov to have a word with them. How long do you think it’ll be before I get publicly disciplined and possibly lose my certification? But what if someone felt that a shidduch wasn’t for them and a Shadchan asked his Rebbe to discuss it with him (without his permission) since she felt that the reasoning was trivial? Why doesn’t anyone have an issue with that? Why is there nowhere to report behavior like that?
The behavior of some Shadchanim has gotten out of control. While there are many issues in Shidduchim nowadays, getting Shadchanim under control would be a great starting place to resolve the issues. It would lessen the number of Shadchanim out there, but that would be a good thing as the ones who would get removed didn’t belong there in the first place and the remaining ones would be able to do their jobs without the other ones getting in the way.
Until then, my advice to anyone who wants to get married would be to not deal with Shadchanim. After one particular horrific story my friends and I made a pact that we wouldn’t deal with Shadchanim anymore. I couldn’t get them to stop calling or having people chase after me in the Bais Medrash but I didn’t return their calls. I started to network with friends, neighbors and relatives (people who really cared about me) and the next person I went out with was my wife.
It’s called hakaras hatov. I assume you don’t send gifts to your kid’s teachers or your boss when they have a simcha either? Shadchanim are human beings and everyone enjoys when others notice their efforts and thank them for it. It’s not that the shadchan will ignore your son, but maybe they won’t think as highly of his midos knowing that his mother has no hakaras hatov.
Why can’t a shaddchan charge extra for a place nearer the front of the line? If the availability and price of “frontsies” were disclosed, would that make it ok?
It depends on who you are relying on. If you are relying on the shadchan make sure you are on his or her mind. Do you want to be on top or the bottom of his list. Who’s call should they return first?
You have other options, you may do it yourself or rely on the one above. 😉.
As bothersome as the concept of “bribing” sounds, your analogy of shadchan to accountant is quite spurious. Your accountant works for you and charges you for the work he does. He knows what filings have to be submitted and when. There are usually no surprises. A shadchan is a freelancer unless he is on your payroll or by retainer. You can choose the latter. But then you should be aware that there is a price which you might have to pay. Caveat: even shadchanim who get frequent gifts or tips don’t always deliver the goods…
“Rabbi Aharon Kotler, Rabbi Moshe Feinstein, Rabbi Yaakov Kamenitzky attended many weddings with mixed seating, including the weddings of their own children.”
SOURCE: Mixed Seating at Weddings by Harry Maryles 2006/2/23
because there are a lot of ppl vying for their time and if you want them to allocate a nice amount of time for your child you have to pay them.
what else will make them allocate time for your child over anyone else’s?
I have two suggestions for the shidduch market.
1. Everyone, boy or girl, should have a qr or a bar code on a discreet patch on their shoulder, linked to a good resume with all the information one might care to know.
2. If my suggestion about bar codes is not adopted, and we remain with the shadchan method, I believe we should adopt surge pricing. Or, in this case, surge and ebb pricing.
Economics may be dismal, but it is realistic.
Square root,
There’s video of R’ Nota Greenblatt telling how R’ Moshe at his own child’s wedding sat the singles together & went over a few times to make sure they were comfortable.
SQUARE_ROOT: In Russia during a certain era, many frum women didn’t cover their hair, seemingly including the wives of distinguished Rabonim/ Roshei Yeshiva. That didn’t change the halacha. Same thing with your out of context post. Just because the frum community standards in the USA were not up to par during that era, doesn’t mean they should stay that way forever.
If you are looking for institutionalized spiritual mediocrity, I’m sure you know where to find it.
Square root and Kuvult-I have heard this before from a Talmid Chacham and he said that society has changed nowadays (Nobody can argue on that).
I don’t understand what so complicated. Until we agree to address the underlying reason that there are much more girls than boys and therefore even the playing field , unfortunately people have to go to extreme lengths to win the system. This is just one casualty resulting from this mismatch but many other casualties including the need to send to Israeli seminaries, sholom bayis issue for men marrying out of their league and many other issues happen when you mess with the system of supply and demand. You must have boys marring at similar or close ages to the girls. That’s the ONLY solution. If boys keep marrying into a population of girls where there are more of them because they are much younger – nothing will be solved no mater how many solutions, money, shadchanim you throw at it. But for some reason no one wants to do their part to marry their boys earlier . They don’t realize that by not marrying their boys younger they are hurting their own daughters.
the fear of sending to shadchan was over the top BUT her accountant will get his $ regardless while the mentality of paying a shadchan is ONLY if he/she carries it to fruition.
Shadchanim work hours on end w no pay. There shld b no fear of a shadchan forgetting ur child cuz Hashem is the ultimate Shadchan but rather the people of means shld cover for those that cant. Every penny towards a shadchan means chizuk to continue their holy work.
Shidduchim are made by Hashem. You do not need to give gifts to a shadchan in order for them to keep your son in mind. Just believe that Hashem has your son in mind and will send the right shidduch at the right time.
As for hakoras hatov. Yes, that is important, but the gift should be for that purpose. I would not think that I need to give a gift to a shadchan that emails me resumes.
If a shadchan puts in a lot of effort into a shidduch, and it doesn’t work out, I think it would be appropriate to send a gift, for the effort! Not for a simcha.
@chanie315 since when does hakaras hatov require sending a monetary gift every time a shadchan makes a simcha? A genuine “thank you for the shidduch suggestion” isn’t enough?
Didn’t read all the comments but there is a simple angle of hacaras hatov. As a part-time matchmaker for almost a decade i can count on less than one hand people that ever sent gifts or cards. I once got an awful set of napkin holders from a guy I really helped and it meant soooo much to me that i remember it 7 yrs later. One fabulous man sends me purim and rosh hashanah baskets and gift for daughters wedding. Such a mench. I tell him dont do it! He oozes appreciation. What a fab husband he will be. The amount I “earn” is under a quarter an hour so mr pepper take your “do your job properly” and shove it cos its a labor of love. I don’t get paid for guiding people that other shadchans set up, for building people up after a break up, for helping them rewrite their profiles. And if someone charges for that, its ok too. NONE OF US ARE WEALTHY FROM THIS! I’m not saying the OP friend’s attitude is right. But a gift will show appreciation and will also make them think, wow, what a thoughtful person and that may make them think more for you.
The Heilige Rebbe Yisroel of Rhuzin would give some money to any shadchan who made any suggestion, even if it didn’t work out. He held that while in shomayim 40 days before the forming of a baby its announced who will Marry who, the announcement is not always met with favor by the rest of the malochim. So some other malach makes a suggestion which may or may not be agreed to, and so on until they get a consensus. The Rebbe says that a person has to go through all of those heavenly suggestions before meeting their bashert and therefore gave some shadchan gelt to each suggestion. Once he didn’t. And the shadchan objected! The Rebbe answered “no malach would ever have made that suggestion!”
To all those expressing the opinion that it’s simply a matter of hakaras hatov: Sometimes hakaras hatov is not so simple.
For example: when a construction company sends a nice gift to a city councilor in appreciation for their good work, in the hopes of winning the next city project…that kind of hakaras hatov will land the company’s president in jail. And for good reason – because it’s a conflict of interest and it corrupts the entire system.
Once can argue that shidduchim should be seen in the same way. If we want a fair system that is free from corruption and doesn’t unduly prioritize the wealthy, then the incentive structure needs to be aligned with those objectives accordingly.
I just want to give you some chizuk. I also have an older single and have gotten all sorts of crazy advice from well meaning but not very bright people as well.
Shidduchim are controlled by the rebono shel alom. He is in charge and there is nothing in the world that you can do, should do or shouldn’t do that is going to effect the shidduch in any way shape or form. The only thing that we are required do is a little bit of hishtadlus and the hishtadlus that we do needs to be done in the proper manner. The best way to determine whether something is the proper hishtadlus is to ask a shaila.
So forget about what anybody tells you. Don’t listen to a single one of them. If you don’t feel that giving a gift is the proper hishtadlus, then don’t do it. It won’t effect the outcome at all.
It’s not a broken system and it’s not the shadchanim’s fault, it’s just plain bad advice that’s being given to you. They are scaring you into thinking that you won’t get a shidduch for your son if you don’t do such and such, but they are wrong. Your son will get his shidduch iy”h whenever it is that the rsh”o feels that it is time, bkarov.
Uncle Ben:
My previous comment is NOT “out of context”.
When mixed seating at weddings was practiced often, singles met each other at weddings, which led to MORE weddings. Which means less work for shadchanim.
Even now, those places that still practice mixed seating at weddings often see that singles meet each other at weddings, which leads to even more weddings!
Which means less work for shadchanim.
If you want to make yourself crazy and stress out your kids, than play the game and send some chotchka to the shadchan to remind him/her about your wonderful son. Alternatively, you can allow him to pursue his own search and find his beschert w/o having to bribe someone who could care less about you, your son or anyone other than himself/herself. Its like your “friends” who invite you to a simcha and in the same email, include their “gift registry” meaning don’t show up at the simcha hall w/o an approved “gift”.