Parshas Yisro is here, giving us the opportunity to relive Matan Toraseinu with the leining of the Aseres Hadibros.

We are of course familiar with the first three dibros obligating us to recognize Hashem as the One who took us from bondage to freedom, to be oveid Hashem solely and not worshipping anything beside Him, and not saying Shem Hashem in vain. The fourth dibbur, Shabbos, we are also, Boruch Hashem, all familiar with. These are all mitzvos bein Odom L’Makom, and that’s why they are bunched together on the right side of the Luchos. However, somehow, the fifth dibuur – of properly respecting and honoring parents – are by some people only getting a quick glance. After all, it is printed together with the rest. The last five dibros seem to be incredibly important and taken quite seriously.

So what’s the deal with the fifth of the Aseres Hadibros? Are we listening the way we should; are we being lomaid in order to be la’asos?

Last year, the Chofetz Chaim Heritage Foundation ran what they called the Shalom Challenge. I wish to paraphrase one episode – it was entitled, “Finding it hard to be there for your father or mother?”. Following are parts of the transcript of that episode.

Imagine some stranger decided that you are such an incredible person that he wants to take care of your every need.

For starters, he arranges that you have a livelihood. 

But not just a livelihood – an entire life of parnossah, from when you’re 25 years old until 90 

and even arranges your shidduch, 

This one person completely changes your life.

So, you’re probably saying, “What a ridiculous story! No one would ever do that for me!”

Are you sure about that?

Somebody did. Your parents. 

You might say, “My parents didn’t arrange my parnossah, or marry off my children, I did.”

Are you sure about that?

The only reason you were able to make a parnossah, have children,  and buy a house,  is because you exist in the world. 

And you exist in the world only because of your parents!

You are probably shocked by these opening lines. The speaker goes on to cite the Sefer Hachinuch, one of the main sources of outlining and explaining our mitzvos.

This is what he says:

The Sefer Hachinuch explains that gratitude is the root of the mitzvah of Kibbud Av V’aim.

He writes, “One should recognize that his parents are the reason he exists in the world. For this alone he is indebted to them – a debt he can never repay!”

He continues and makes his point:

But we live in 2023 and Entitlement is the religion of America. 

My parents need to do everything for me – then, maybe I will honor them.

The above statement reflects on much more that we would want to admit.

Who took care of you when you couldn’t eat or walk yet, were in pain, or needed medical care? Who paid for your schooling, clothes, toys, other needs as you grew older? Who paid for your shadchan, wedding clothes, wedding, music, photography? And of course, who paid a good part of your living expenses, such as rent, when you were in Kollel – and for how long? 3, 4 or maybe even more years? Where is the Hakoras Hatov for all that? (I have only uncovered the tip of the iceberg.)

You might ta’anah, life isn’t easy, there is so little time for doing things outside of your immediate family (i.e. spouses and kids). We agree – life isn’t easy. But lonely life is even harder. You come to a Shabbos table – tutz zuch! The kinderlach are singing (and even if they’re not singing, but making trouble), you go from kid to kid (hopefully) discussing the week’s parsha sheet. If they’re older, perhaps discussing the week in yeshiva or Bais Yaakov. You have nice meals with all the trimmings, light and warmth.

But, parents and older people, what’s their Shabbos table like? Friday night they sit quietly chomping on their food. An occasional word here and there, maybe. Shabbos day, veiter, they sit quietly chomping on their food. An occasional word here and there, maybe. Shalosh Seudos – same thing. Perhaps someone will call Motzei Shabbos to ask how was Shabbos? How are the old folks feeling? Nah…just veiter a quiet and boring night.

A simple phone call a few times a week will do them a world of good. Keep Bubby and Zaidy in the loop. You can mamesh be mechayeh meisim! We used to say, “Do you know where your children are?” Now we can ask “Do you know how your parents are?” Do you check on them? Are you aware of their health situation? Financial situation? What are you doing? Waiting until it’s chas v’sholom too late…and then what? Someone once commented, “the whole family gets together by shiva…how about getting together while your parents are still alive”? An elderly woman in her 80s commented, “Just wait till they get to my age, and they can’t keep up and do what they used to do. How are their kids going to treat them?”

To sum it all up, I wish to quote another line from CCHF’s Sholom Challenge:

because the sole reason to honor your parents

is that they are the reason you exist.

Something to think about, no?

A Zaidy in NY

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