Dear Parents of Yeshiva and Seminary Students in Israel,
We, the citizens of Israel, are so excited that your dear children have chosen to spend time connecting with their past and planning for their future.
As we approach the first break of the yeshiva and seminary year, and your young adults spread out to hosts across the country, please review the below tips, which will help them avoid some unfortunate mistakes.
Remember, your children are your responsibility. We are happy to help, and this nation is B”H built on chessed. So, please read the tips below and discuss them with your children.
1. Ask Early, Leave Early
Supermarkets in Israel close around noon on Erev Shabbos and Yom Tov. The good sale prices are typically earlier in the week. If your child is heading to friends, family or strangers for Shabbos or Yom Tom, ask prospective hosts by Wednesday, or Thursday morning at the latest. Friday morning emergencies happen, but this should be avoided whenever possible.
Similarly, leave your yeshiva or seminary early. Busses here don’t run close to Shabbos or Yom Tov. I cannot tell you how many times I and my neighbors have received that dreaded phone call, asking us to drive an hour or more each way because our guests didn’t leave early enough. And remember, this is while trying to finish cooking and get everyone in the house ready. Nobody wants to get home in the 18 minutes and miss a shower, let alone miss Mincha and the chance to prepare Arba Minimum because a group of seminary girls couldn’t get out of bed until noon, then went out for lunch, before thinking about how to get to their host.
Similarly, don’t arrive at 2 PM expecting to go out to grab a slice of pizza. Stores here close early – those that open on Erev Shabbos or Yom Tov, that is. Your hosts won’t be surprised if you want to eat on Friday, and will likely be happy to provide a nourishing meal.
If your child doesn’t want to arrive too early because it can be awkward, ask the host what time they recommend arriving.
2. Ask Nicely
When approaching a prospective host, don’t inform them. Ask politely. Be prepared to sleep by a neighbor. Never make a demand of a host.
My neighbor got a call Thursday night from a sizable group of guys. He lives in a Yishuv, and was a 25 minute drive from a supermarket. He didn’t know any of them; they got his number from friends. He said yes, went shopping, and started cooking at 11 PM. Then, they called Friday morning to ask what hashgachos he holds by. Not cool.
3. Figure Out Dietary Needs Upfront
If your child or their countless friends coming with them have an allergy, ask your host if they can accommodate. Waiting until after candle lighting means that the host wasted their time and money on food, and won’t be able to provide for the guest. And that brings us to an unfortunately common concern…
4. Be Mindful of Chumros vs Halacha
Kashrus here is often more robust and different than in the US, Canada, or UK. Encourage your children to ask a shayla before asking their host at the dinner table what hashgacha the meat is, and then avoiding it for the rest of the meal. Similarly, asking or demanding a host to spend 4x or 5x more on a specific hashgacha that may not be available in their neighborhood may not be the best way to go. Embarrassing someone is a de’oraysa. Eating one BaDaTz over another is a chumra. I’m not your Rav, but it’s better to ask ahead than to offend. When asking, also ask your Rav what to do if the host goes to a kiddush, shalom zachor, or has guests over who bring a dish. There is nothing wrong with holding a high standard. Just be respectful.
5. Ask What You Can Bring
Some families may not have the money for soda. Bringing soda, wine or treats will be very exciting for this family. But it will be weird if the family are healthy eaters. Similarly, some families may not eat a cake without a hashgacha, even if everyone in the yeshiva buys from the lady who makes it in her house. Or candy from that store in the shuk they think is Badatz, but locals know to be problematic.
We had a chevra of yeshiva guys from one of the top yeshivas show up with a really expensive bottle of bourbon. They made it clear that they were looking forward to a party. We don’t serve hard liquor around young adults to avoid this situation.
Offer to bring your own linens (if you can). This is a normal practice in Israel. When in Rome…
6. Manners Matter
It is normal for many young people to sleep late, but not every neighborhood has a 9:30 AM or even a 9 AM Shacharis on Shabbos. Israelis tend to daven earlier, and even the modern crowd is machmir on zemanim. Ask what time davening and meals are, and participate.
You are visiting a family, not staying in a hotel.
If you are concerned about being by yourself, it’s fine to ask to bring a friend, or even ten. Just ask nicely and don’t twist anyone’s arm. Even if she is your favorite aunt.
Play with the kids, shmooze with the family, offer to help set up, serve and clean up. Participate in the activities. Don’t drink too much, and in general, if you aren’t sure about something, ask. Be a mentsch.
Don’t ask about politics or weigh in on joining the army, not joining the army, Yom Haatzmaut, hashgachos, politics, hafganos, which gedolim are right or wrong, etc. You never know who is at the table. It goes without saying that one should not fight with their host over these issues.
7. Be Mindful of Minhagim
Over Succos, you will find that Israelis typically sleep in the Succah. If you prefer to sleep inside or outside, ask your host ahead of time if this is okay by them.
Israelis generally don’t wear tefillin on chol hamoed. If this is your minhag, consult a Rav about whether this should be done in public in Eretz Yisroel.
If you intend to keep Yom Tov Sheini, first make sure your hosts are prepared to accommodate before committing to coming. This may require that they avoid Chol Hamoed activities or miss work on Isru Chag. On Pesach this gets even more complicated, as it means not turning over the kitchen for another day.
If your hosts aren’t in a Chutznik neighborhood, you will likely have to ask a shayla about how to handle davening.
Even the Torani or Bnei Yeshiva in the Dati Leumi world may dress differently, without suits in some places. Nobody will care if you show up in full chassidishe levush. Similarly, a modern orthodox yeshiva guy may find himself in Geula. People generally will not care if you are wearing a blue shirt. But as a rule of thumb, dressing up is easier then dressing down. And there is nothing wrong with being the only hat in shul.
If you are a seminary student, ask your teachers or host what kind of community you are going to and what the norms are. Wearing shorter sleeves or a denim skirt for example, could be offensive in some communities.
8. Learn From Everyone
Baruch Hashem we are zocheh to have Jews of every color, language, background and economic class. If there is one chicken being shared by a family of 8, and they give you an entire piece, enjoy it and certainly don’t refuse it or pick at it because you don’t really like chicken. Marvel at their chessed. If they are eating tomato soup with cheese on Friday night, imagine what they would be serving if they didn’t have a guest! They may be giving the guest their own bedroom!
Your children will encounter tremendous baalei chessed, who host 20, 50 or more people at every meal – often out of their own pockets. They will be invited to strangers for meals. Learn from these experiences and try to help however you can.
They will IYH meet Jews from places they never knew existed. This is the beauty of Kibbutz Galuyos! Encourage them to interact, to learn, to listen, and to experience it all. It goes without saying that if someone is a different color skin, you don’t comment on it or behave differently around them.
We look forward to hosting your children, and know that they are young adults. Mistakes and errors happen, and we are used to it. Enjoy our amazing homeland, our amazing people and don’t forget – if we all managed to make it here, maybe you can too!
Sincerely,
A Happy Israeli Host
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24 Responses
I wonder where the person who wrote this lives, and more importantly originally from
“Israeli host”, where in Israel do you have “18 minutes” b4 shabbos?
Sounds like a former New Yorker
nice article
however, didnt get this about chicken.
” If there is one chicken being shared by a family of 8, and they give you an entire piece, enjoy it and certainly don’t refuse it or pick at it because you don’t really like chicken”
as a host we wouldnt want any guest to feel he/she needs to eat something they would rather not eat.
a host can always ask … or better yet make it clear to the guest to please say what thay dont want etc.
It is normal for many young people to sleep late, but not every neighborhood has a 9:30 AM or even a 9 AM Shacharis on Shabbos. Israelis tend to daven earlier, and even the modern crowd is machmir on zemanim. Ask what time davening and meals are, and participate.
tell me its 2 days after yom kippur and your already making modex are not makpid on zmanim last i checked richulus is worse then all stuff put together
The adage that applies in the non-jewish world applies to us as well.
“Never discuss religion or politics in polite company”
Of course this doesn’t mean not sharing Divrei Torah. But, Hashkafas or religion & the Medina, army service, etc. should best be kept to oneself.
Keep your 2 sense to yourself koifer. You clearly dont know what the normal is so dont start trying to teach us how to act. We know what we have to do so keep your weird harry behaivors to yourself. Get with the program
Well said! Thank you.
@hurtly. Bad attempt at trolling. By the way it’s cents not sense.
@geshmak321. The writer didn’t mean anything negative by that. It’s only two days after Yom Kippur and you’re attacking a fellow Jew for no reason. The two of you need to go and take your aggression out elsewhere. Try a gym.
Well said is to the original writer, not the last commenter.
Encourage your children NOT to ask what hashgacha the hosts use. Besides being offensive, as they imply the food is treif, there is an opinion that someone who does so is an apikoros. He does not believe that a single witness is believed by issurim.
Many families do not like it if you bring someone. It lowers their level of hospitality. I did it once, received a funny look, and never did it again except when asked explicitly.
Someone who wears tefillin during Chol haMoed is over on v’nishmartem b’nafshoteihem. LOL BTW, cohanim should know that in most of Israel, they ducan every morning. In the North, only on Shabbat.
Conversations about religion and politics depend on the family and how close you are to them. I was a guest by the same friends for both Rosh haShana dinners. The first night, we talked about Israeli politics and the second night we talked about American politics.
Excellent letter.
Thank you!
Haha kashrus is WAY more reliable in the US. The standards might not be as intricate, but what use is a better standard when there’s poor supervision and verification of said standard. In Israel, you’re constantly on guard to not violate numerous isurim. In the US, if you know what you’re eating, you can almost always rest assured that what’s in front of you is indeed what it is supposed to be. Not even close
Happy Israeli Host makes some good points but as a mother I think this all needs to be reiterated by yeshiva/seminary staff. Often. In several different contexts. These are life skills that need to be taught. Some 18 year olds have more advanced life skills than others. Parents can certainly remind their kids, but they’re 6,000 miles away.
The OP forgot one thing: water use, more specifically, showering before you arrive. Water is expensive. Shower before you arrive. This is also important because the visitor may be going to a large family, and working extra people into the pre-Shabbat/Chag schedule may strain the hot water resources, especially if the family relies on a dud shemesh to heat the water.
Sleeping in the Sukkah is a full Chiyuv – not a Minhag.
The reason many don’t sleep in the Sukkah in Chutz La’aretz, is because they are considered a “Mitztayer” for one reason or another. (see Ram”a תרל”ט סעיף ב).
The first reason being the cold weather – this is very not applicable in EY (Halevai!)
@Avi K, regarding kashrus what you said is complete lokshon. Ed echad neeman, yes. But that only applies if that person is beyond any doubt kosher le’edus for ALL matters. Can most of ourselves really confidently say that? Besides, that’s more applicable if you are able to testify that the question of isur at hand (for example, a piece of meat) is something that you personally know is asur or mutar. That wouldn’t make much sense if you didn’t personally observe the schita and kashrut process.
I live in the north (almost near the border) and everyone duchans daily.
You talked politics the FIRST night of rosh hashanah, let alone any time of rosh hashanah. Oy vavoy to everyone present at that table. I don’t think you should be voicing your opinion on halachic matters
@GZ 18 minutes is the minhag like almost everywhere in Israel. 40 is minhag Yerusholayim specificaly (plus some modern towns (like Modiin Illit and Beitar) that took on the MY
In shaarei chesed best Shabbos minyan is JFK at 10:15, officially known as “מנחת חינוך” great kiddush afterwards
@Shimon Nodel, so how do you eat by anyone? How do you know that they are telling the truth about the hechsher or that their utensils are really kosher? How can anyone eat by you as you have made yourself assur? In fact, how can you eat your own food? Maybe you unwittingly made a mistake. However, you are wrong about the Halacha. See SA YD 119,4.
Rabbi Avigdor Miller [ZTL ZYA] once gave a public lecture, in which he gave this advice to guests:
If your host offers you something, such as a candy or piece of food, TAKE ONE.
Not three or two, just ONE. Those were not his exact words,
but I have done my best to communicate what he intended to say.
Now for my personal advice:
Guests should avoid asking personal questions to their hosts and to other guests.
Even questions that seem 100% innocent can cause discomfort or humiliation,
if you ask them to the wrong person (Onaas Devarim).
Instead of asking personal questions, say a Devar Torah or express gratitude to G*D and your host.
To avoid Onaas Devarim, if would be very helpful if hosts would avoid publicly asking personal questions to their guests. Questions should be asked privately.
Hurtly said:
“Keep your 2 sense to yourself….”
This should be corrected to:
“Keep your 2 cents to yourself….”
@YFRBachur, actually, the minhag throughout most of E”Y is 20 minutes, not 18. The exceptions are Yerushalayim and Petach Tikva (40 minutes), and Ma’aleh Adumim, 30 minutes. There may be others as well.
@Avi K, duchening is not done on a daily basis in the Galil. The Galil isn’t the north.
What you said about allergies is so important. My cousin invited sem girls Shabbos Pesach and one girl comes in and says, “Oh, by the way , I’m allergic to nuts”. My cousin almost fainted. She had cooked everything with wallnut oil. But, b”H, she remembered that her neighbor only used olive oil, sso they traded portions and the girl had what to eat, besides matza and tomatoes.
If you’re makpid on kashrus, maybe don’t eat out, or ask your rov what to do if you have no where else to eat. My rov once told us even if you are machmir at home, if you are going to have to eat by someone else, who may not have the same standards as you, you can eat there.