Everyone wants to find “the” solution to the shidduch crisis. Well, if you want one, you can start here: Stop obsessing about yichus and money!
So much of “research” into a prospective girl is about who her family is, how much money they have, and so on. And what difference would it make in a marriage? Zero. It won’t guarantee shalom bayis, that’s for sure. If anything, it makes marriages contractual – “I’m marrying you because your grandfather is a famous rosh wealthy guy.”
And while doing away with this kind of thinking would indeed solve much of the crisis, it’s unfortunately not so simply to actually implement because our yeshiva society and system is flawed, fractured, and broken.
We cannot simply tell people to stop obsessing about money when our own rebbeim, askanim, and roshei yeshivah openly put link money with chashivus. What am I talking about? Well, take a look.
Every time we hold a 36-hour fundraiser to snag $5 million, every yeshiva event that offers “sponsorship opportunities,” every building campaign that plasters the faces of millionaires across the tri-state area in every newspaper, every ad for luxurious Pesach programs that will run many families north of $50K for 10 days….. Every time we have such things, we are killing our own children in front of our own eyes.
Our boys are growing up with a sense of gaiva and self-entitlement; Our girls are way beyond the JAP stereotype and now focus more on becoming influencers than a true bas torah (Unless Daddy takes us to Israel and gets us in to all the gedolim for a nice photo-op (after breakfast at the Waldorf).
Nothing will change because our society in general is moving backwards rather than forward. And let’s be honest. We don’t want it to stop.
For all of its flaws, the modern Orthodox community by and large does not put the same chashivus on money. Sure, everyone wants money (who doesn’t?), but dating decisions are not based on a piece of paper and how much money she has is not a priority. In fact, quite the opposite is often the case. The question is how he will be a real man and baal achrayus and provide an income for his wife and family – not the other way around.
Maybe instead of focusing on “solutions” to the shidduch crisis, we should be searching for solutions to our worsening flaw – twisted priorities in marriage and an obsession with how much materialism other people have. And yes, we can learn a lesson from the Modern Orthodox community. It would make us better off.
Yaakov K – Far Rockaway
NOTE: The views expressed here are those of the authors and do not necessarily represent or reflect the views of YWN.
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64 Responses
Modern people don’t prioritize money when dating?
You must realize that you’re going to take a shellacking in the comment section.
And frankly rightfully so. You could’ve made the same point, leaving the modern orthodox community out of the equation.
For many reasons. But especially since, over the last month, this site has been discussing the touro research paper that has the MO community, roughly 10 years behind us when it comes to getting married. So their priorities are completely different. And we really don’t have much to learn from them.
I’m just gonna sit back with my 🍿& 🥤. I can’t WAIT for the wave of “you’re an am ha’aretz” style replies. Aaaaaaaannnndddddd……..GO!!!
I would suggest that if you want to go on a rant, get the facts first.
The author assumes, without any evidence, that the chareidi community’s “obsession” with money and yichus is the leading cause of the “shidduch crisis”. Is it statistically true that families lacking those attributes are experiencing more older unmarrieds than moneyed yichused families? We all know it is not. And there’s plenty of casual evidence of money being prominently important in the MO shidduch system, with the law or whatever degree or obvious affinity for making lots of money flipping real estate or what have you being the future inlaws’ pride and joy of the match
Money and yichus have been important to religious Jews since forever, as noted in Shulchan Aruch where the Rem”a recommends not putting so much importance in the size of a dowry. Yichus should be important, depending on who you are and what expectations will be manifested in the marriage, and that’s how it’s always been.
the only reason MO doesn’t date for money is because they have rejected the idea of shidduchim all together and replaced it with mixed socializing and dating, r”l. Do you know who else doesn’t date for families,yichus, and money? goyim.
…continued
If the author wants to contrast MO vs chareidi dating differences that may affect the shidduch crisis, perhaps he should pay attention to the most glaring difference — modern orthodox young people don’t subscribe to the Shadchan system. Maybe that would cause us to pay attention to how some shadchanim (not all, perhaps not even most) operate, and then we might begin to understand our self-made “crisis” a little better.
Modern orthodox community does not put same Chazhivus on money This is so absolutely correct. The Modern Orthodox Community places its emphasis of the wonderful מידה of הכרת הטוב which is so important in marriage.
Proof:- Entire observance of & recital of הלל on יום העצמאות ויום ירושלים is nothing short of 1 major act of appreciating the incredible נסים that השם bestowed upon us
Thank you
If anyone thinks the Shidduch crisis is caused exclusively by parents looking for rich mechutonim, or yichus, then they clearly do not know anyone who is caught in the crisis. While it may be true that some people look for money or yichus and that makes things harder, but the truth is I do not believe there is any single reason that truly defines the problem and therefore also defines the solution. I know rich people with single children, Meyuchosim have not been able to sidestep this problem either. If anyone looks at the people getting engaged and married one can find rich people, poor people, fat people, skinny people, good looking people and not such good looking people. Yes, Baaley Middos and those whose middos are not sterling. On the other side of the coin, you will see the same thing! Rich people, with children who are not finding their Bashert, as well as poor people. Meyuchosim, and people whose yichus consists or being Yidden. Good looking people and not such good looking people, same for Middos, accomplished people …. etc.
If all people who were not married were poor, ugly, uneducated, no special yichus etc. then maybe you would have a trend and be able to address the situation. But there is no common denominator among all the single, whether they are male of female. There are no simple solutions!
Gedoliim remind us that the area of Shidduchim is very clearly all based on Siyata Dishmaya. Shidduchim come exclusively from the RBSO. We all know the Chazal where the Roman noblewoman asked what does G-D do now that the world has been created? The answer she was given was that the RBSO makes Shidduchim. and he does. Why do some people marry the first person they go out with and for some people it takes longer, or much longer? Only Hashem knows.
Does that mean that we should not search for a solution? Does that mean we should not ALL try to facilitate dating and Shidduchim? Absolutely not. Klall Yisroel must try and help every young man and woman find their Basherter spouse, NO MATTER THE AGE! It is incumbent on EVERYONE to try and help everyone young man and woman to get married from the time they start dating until the day that they are zoiche to get engaged to get married. Do not push off the young girl or guy by saying I do not deal with such young people. Also, do not give up on a person after they are in their young 20’s. It may be more difficult to find a match for an older single, but there joy in finally finding someone will be that much greater, The mitzvah equally greater!
Finally, for all the commenters who have what to say: Remember there are two kinds of people. Those that DO and those that criticize those that do.
If you have the answer, do something to help someone. Otherwise, please keep your hurtful comments locked up. You are not helping anyone
While it may be true that “The views expressed here are those of the authors and do not necessarily represent or reflect the views of YWN” it is still pretty sad that a website with the word Yeshiva in its name finds hogwash like this to be appropriate content to waste everyone’s time reading. The real Yeshivishe world has very different priorities than those expressed here and absolutely nothing to learn from the modern orthodox community.
According to the recent study about the shidduch crisis, Modern Orthodox have much larger shidduch crisis than the Yeshivish (twice as many older singles per capita). So much for your analysis.
you want feedback so here is my 2 cents
1. we can learn from the mod othordox
2.you lumped many issues in one chulent
3 pesach hotels & charidy campaigns are very diff
4. “shidduchim” , is not one of them the mod orthodox model doesnt have a great track record…1000’s of older singles… and other issues
5. yichus is very low on most peoples resume unless u mean similar type of family backround ( see rabeinu bechaya”
6. money ? the question is , if u have 2 shiduchim options; and one can pay half your expenses thru medical or dental school, is that a maaloh to consider?
This would make sense if there were boys and girls not getting married. Since everyone agrees that the problem is a girl problem this makes no sense.
the MO
have their own issues called commitment why settle for one when i can hang out with 10
that being said their is no support issue by them and money therefore is not a major factor
our shiduch crisis is manufactured
because if there are 25 boys and 25 girls they should marry each other and live happily ever after
however each one of these boys were taught that they have to learn for 10 years (even though some of them dont know basic ivrah)
the problem is that only 15 of the 25 girls can afford to support
so the 15 boys wait for the next class
if you take support (long term) out of the equation you will have solved most of the shiduch issues
sorry meant the 10 boys wait for next year to find families that can support
You’d be surprised to hear this from an NK supporter like myself, but the author of this letter IS 1000% CORRECT! My dear friend Rabbi Chananya Weissman שליט”א has been eviscerating the shidduch system and advocating for natural meetings for already two decades. Check him out at https://www.chananyaweissman.com/articles.php
The fact that the “shidduch crisis” didn’t exist 50 years ago is proof of the disaster that the chareidization of Orthodox Jewry has wrecked upon shidduchim. And this is isn’t just conjecture. One of my shadchanim, Mrs. Shulamit Sharf from Efrat, told me how she recalls fondly how she and her friends in the Young Israel crowd would go ice skating with boys in Motzei Shabbos for a date.
But don’t take my word for it – ask any Modern Orthodox grandparent in their 60’s and 70’s today. EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM that I spoke to has waxed nostalgic about the “good old days” of shidduchim when normalcy was still bon ton among frum Yidden.
So don’t believe the chareidi media’s Artscrollesque whitewashing of history that tries to erase any existence of natural meetings. Instead we should reinstate it להחזיר עטרה ליושנה!
There appear to be a number of ehrliche yidden here on YWR who are big talmidim of Rav Yisroel Salanter (someone who allegedly knew a bit about musar) who was quoted as saying:
“other people’s gashmiyus is our ruchniyus”. Many seem uncertain in their own yichus and project their uncertainties and needs on to others using questionable metrics. Relatively few of our brethren today are of the level that material wealth is totally irrelevant at the level of some of the gadolei hador who lives the most incredibly simple life in small, spartan apartments furnished with a utilititarian bookcase and shtender and not much else. Instead, many frum yidden rationalize that having a more secure financial status would enhance their ability to live a torah life w/o the worries of how they will support themselves and their families. Putting that burden on your prospective beschert and HER family is part of the problem, not a solution
“You must realize that you’re going to take a shellacking in the comment section.”
Lol that’s the whole point. Clicks and more clicks
🤑🤑🤑
Perhaps if we lumped the entire mishmash of topics into one, we can “solve” the “crisis”.
Lets have a charidy campaign to fundraise for all “non rich” families so their daughters can be grouped into the “rich” category where all the young men (or their mothers) are looking. Then, since everyone is now rich, they can all (since we are learning from the MO) attend pesach hotels and meet each other, get married and live happily ever after.
Crisis solved.
I don’t know where you got the idea that the modern Orthodox community doesn’t factor in financial security when it comes to marriage. Maybe it won’t stop a boy and a girl from casual dating but it certainly will make a difference in the relationship’s development. True, there is a problem, but whether looking for a learner or an earner, I don’t believe that either community has an edge over the other.
As far as ads and fundraising campaigns ruining children’s chinuch, it’s your choice to bring in newspapers (or advertising circulars) to your house or not allow them entry.
Who says that your children have to have access to view online crowdfunding campaigns, unless you are following it, and they’re looking over your shoulder, of course…
But much more important than kids seeing ads for luxuries is what type of talk your children hear from you. Do they hear you voice admiration for those who learn Torah, who overcome jealousy, who are careful to stay away from negative speech, who practice positive speech? Or, rather, do they hear you talking about who’s going to which hotel, who donated what to which cause, who is being honored, etc.
If we modelled fine middos, emuna and bitachon, believe me it would have a major impact on the shidduch crisis. And that is true in Orthodox communities of all types – yeshivish, balebatish, MO…
We all make your choices and live with them (and their influence on others).
“One of my shadchanim, Mrs. Shulamit Sharf from Efrat, told me how she recalls fondly how she and her friends in the Young Israel crowd would go ice skating with boys in Motzei Shabbos for a date”
Geveret Sharf may recall that there was also a vibrant Thusday night “co-ed” MO/Young Israel gathering at the Iceland Skating Rink above the old Madison Square Garden on 8th Avenue and 50th Street. Turnout was from all over including MTA, BTA, Central, and even some Ramaz.
Changes will not happen!! The leaders (Rabbonim) of the frum world will NOT do anything about the emphasis on $$ because that would dry up the donations to the Mosdos. Why don’t the Rabbonim speak out forefully about the excess spending??? Why do they give kavod to people who buy houses, knock them down and build new houses instead of just settling for the house they bought????? WHY IS $$ ALWAYS the stadard by which we give Kavod??
Chazak v Amatz! Incredible!!
Thank you for stating the painful but obvious truth.
The more hateful comments you get for this, the more you know you hit the nail on the head.
Both communities have their own strengths and weaknesses. A wise person learns from everyone.
But if we are talking about being the specific problem of shidduchim, which is directly caused by our society being overly focused on gashmiyus while outwardly saying that we are focused on ruchniyus, we do have what to learn from the MO. At least they are more Tocho K Boro.
The only difference I see between the MO community is that the men don’t expect their wives to support them. They take their obligation in the Kesubah seriously. When roles are reversed albeit for a good reason such as supporting a learning husband, it’s not the natural way that the Torah meant and it causes a domino effect on the whole system. In Mitzrayim the women did the men jobs and vice versa. That was part of the hardship of slavery. Men are supposed to take care of their wives. When they come into shidduchim with the opposite mindset, there are problems down the road.
Some of this is true but MO see money in a different way. If your family doesn’t have a lot of money if you’re not going for an advanced degree in some profession you’re not getting a first date. But the wealth in the MO world is generally shown in a more tznius way than it has been in the tri-state yeshivish communities of late.
If Biden is so transparent, why did he sit on these classified documents for 6 years?!
the yeshivshe system is unsustainable and makes no sense
i see bys who get married and are going to be learning for 3-5 years that cannot say the brachos of the haftorah at their aufruf
this business that everyone needs to learn long term and be supported rent car etc is destroying the average working person daughter chance for the learning boy that the mechaneches in seminary drilled into their head for a year
i got married bh over 35 years ago there was no shiduch crisis as nobody learned for more than a year unless was going to be a rebbe or dayan
its a mishegas that never existed in klal yisroel especially by the heimishe oilam
What a great way to bash the yeshiva community by blaming them for the shidduch crises.
Great ClickBait As Well.
I’ll prove your point wrong.
The Chassidic community is no less into money & even more concerned with yichus than the American yeshiva community, & no crisis exists by chassidim.
The Israeli litvish community is more into demanding money than the Americans & no less into Yichus & yet, there’s no shidduch crisis by them.
This is obviously an American Yeshivish problem. The only other rational reason we have is the age gap between boys & girls which only we have.
This drivel definitely ranks as one of the most imbecilic pieces ever run on this site. Virtually every word is full of gibberish, distortions and false assumptions.
Shimon Nodel, modern people do not think about money when dating because modern people are able to support themselves.
A few months ago there was a front page article in one of the “yeshivish” magazines with the headline “ how to navigate the yeshiva system”, while the back cover was a advertisement for a $15,000 watch.
We have brought up (and I have grown up in) a generation of bochrim that have no idea what פת במלח תאכל means. We have bochrim who refuse to date teachers and secretaries. We have bochrim that insist on dating not only programmers, because that’s not good enough, they need to be working for Intel or Apple. 30,000 shekel a month is not enough to live in Kollel, they need to be making at least 50,000 a month to get a date.
The Kollel system in its present state is the cause of the shidduch crisis.
The author is correct that there are issues with money and that only seeking money and yichus is not good. The author is completely incorrect that money or yichus have anything to do with the uneven amounts of boys and girls in the shidduch parsha. The ONLY cause of that is an uneven dating age and hence the ONLY solution can come when dating becomes closer in age. Neither Money, shadchonim, or any other factor can solve this issue unfortunately as there is currently simply not enough boys in the parsha. Hence it makes no difference what people are looking for, if the total amount of boys is inadequate and new 22 yr olds can be created on the spot. Please think that point through.
Haimy in the Israel litvish world, if they aren’t up to par which is a pretty high standard, there’s a solid chance they are leaving the community. So it may not be a shidduch crisis in that sense but it’s a system crists.
Yochy it certainly exacerbates it. An older girl who has a solid career or family money has a much better chance.
hiamy you are absolutely wrong
there is a major shiduch crisis by the chaidishe
particulalry in wliie
due to the lack of quality boys as compared to the girls
this is not a bashing of the the yeshivishe system
but a wake up call
its not sustainable and is causing major churbanos in klal yisroel
Oh give me a break! Another “open minded” guy who is slandering our amazing community which is doing great unlike what all the pessimists are saying.
First of all it says in the gemara that Yichus is a maaleh and obviously it’s stupid to look for only yichus but if there’s 2 ppl with the same maalos and one has yichus and the other doesn’t there’s nothing wrong with taking the one that has yichus. Modox ppl don’t know this because they don’t have the same respect for rabbonim that we have (or at least are supposed to have). We know what zechus avos means because we try to go b’darkei avos unlike the modox.
Second money is different by them, usually they are not in full-time learning and get college degrees with which they’re able to support themselves. We have a system where parents help out their kids after marriage, so yeah it’s obviously a matter of self-preservation to ‘look for money’.
I second Yochy’s comment. And as someone struggling with shidduchim for my daughters in the yeshivish community (my sons go effortless) I am at a total loss to understand why the shidduch crisis isn’t being addressed by the people I respect and also why the worshiping of money that is soooo prevalent in our community is not being addressed.
Terrible letter. Totally wrong.
Everyone knows people of all types and income levels who have single kids still at home.
The one difference that there is here between frum and MO is that MO doesn’t need to check for yichus because having been shmaded at YU – that is the yichus.
hello have you ever been on the upper west side where you have singles in their 40’s and 50’s NEVER married and more importantly not interested in getting married, this is the ultimate “modern” crowd, plus the modern are either becoming more frum or OTD so not a good example. We will follow the path of the Lakewood Roshei Yeshiva who are guiding light.
Yanky1998 how is being a shlepper darkei avos.
And in the MO world if your father is a prominent YU rabbi you’ll get in many doors.
I disagree with a few points of the letter.
1. To say the MO community does not emphasize money is inaccurate. It may not play out the same when it comes to shiduchim but it plays out in other ways
2. If we want to learn how to look for a spouse for qualities other than yichus or money, the gentile population may be a better model. Perhaps we should just switch priorities (looks vs. midos) but I would not use the MO community as a model in this regard.
3. This is similar in practicality to the letter from last week. Its’ a kvetch. Come up with a practical solution. for example
a. organize one of one classes for boys going into shiduchim as to how to prioritize what to look for in a shiddach
b. speak to shadchanim to encourage dealing directly with the boys, not the parents (who are more often the ones looking for the status of a nice shiddach but will not live with the girl)
c. speak to Roshei Yeshiva about giving over Torah hashkafa in this area.
Come up with your own. A letter on YW news may make an interesting conversation but will not move the needle.
I agree that money has taken over, period. It doesn’t matter frum or MO. To the point the OP was making about Pesach programs there are just as many with mixed swimming as there is with separate swimming (as an example between MO and frum).
The Aguda convention (as well as any shabbatonim I would consider going to) was north of $2K for a couple. Any “regular” family that would like to go is priced out.
I don’t believe there is a difference between the MO and the frum. I used to work for a wealthy fellow that most would consider MO., All his kids only dated wealthy as well. It is a natural attraction.
I agree that money is held in great esteem and middos and ehrlchkeit is put on a lower level (until, c’v, the hesped). People with the money should and do support great mosdos and yeshivos and important organizations etc. That is what they are supposed to do with the money lent to them by Hashem.
It is sad that klal yisroel doesnt evaluate the entire picture. There are great people with wonderful middos etc. that don’t get the respect they deserve because they don’t have money.
Haimy: spot on.
147: hallel for yom yerushalaim, yes.
For yom haatzmaos? No. Kafoi tov is more like it. Taking a holy land and defiling it with the Zionists INTENTIONAL undermining of Torah is a slap to the great gift of Eretz Hakedosha.
Throughout this ongoing saga on YWN regarding the shidduch crisis I have tried to understand why no one seems to think the idea of both girls and boys getting married later is a good idea. No one should be dating or getting married before 24/25. It would solve so many problems. First we close the age gap everyone boys and girls dates at the same age. The guys would have time to mature and get some solid learning in. The girls would be separated by a few years from the indoctrination they received in seminary and would be able to make an honest assessment of what they want in life. This would undoubtedly solve both the shidduch and divorce crisis. Can anyone explain??
i think anybody who will really look at modern orthodoxy marrige they will find far more divorces
If you want to understand the Shidduch Crisis,
then you should listen to Chananya Weissman.
Please go to:
http://www.ChananyaWeissman.com/articles.php
His highly-intelligent articles have been published many times by:
Arutz Sheva, Horizons, Five Towns Jewish Times, The Jerusalem Herald, The Jerusalem Post, The Jerusalem Star, The Jewish Press, The Jewish Star, The Jewish Week, New York [City] Blueprint [no longer published], The Times of Israel, and The Yeshiva World.
Rabbi Chananya Weissman wrote seven [7] books, including:
“Go Up Like a Wall” and
“How to Not Get Married: Break these rules and you have a chance”.
He is also the director and producer of a documentary about the shidduch world:
Single Jewish Male, and The Shidduch Chronicles, available on YouTube.
All of you need to get a grip. Stop blaming your problems on everything else but you, it sounds like a bunch of whiney children i here,this is on an individual basis problem, the rabbis…, the money… if you’re not married then ask yourself why you are not married. Are you really not married because of some rabbi or policy? If you think shadchan style dating is the problem, then do something else for yourself no need to blame the rest of the world for your issues- the democrats do that enough for us
RebbeClips also true that in the yeshivish world it’s more stigmatized so an abused woman in yeshivish circles would feel more compelled to stay.
Living now in Lkwd for a while I strongly feel the yeshivish Americans ” Tonzin Oif Tzvei Chasinas”- ( the wigs can look like… yet still be must chushuv..” with Chasidish communities you will ask them are you Bnei TOrah or Balabus – they will answer one of them. American yeshivish – Both etc.. – olis bei einim is nisht do by keinim”
“Modox ppl don’t know this because they don’t have the same respect for rabbonim that we have”
WOWWOOWOWOWOW!!!!!!! Motzi Shem Ra against an entire group of yidden, so casually, as if changing his socks. Whats in store for an encore!
SQUARE_ROOT – that’s exactly who I recommended and linked to!!
Imitation is the highest form of flattery 🙂
Wow, such jealousy and bitterness.
I hope things start to get better for you.
“The question is how he will be a real man and baal achrayus and provide an income for his wife and family – not the other way around”
that has nothing to do with the modern orthodox, that’s called being normal, and regular orthodox people also think that way.
I certainly don’t think one should be a prioity, in my Chassidishe circles money is certainly not a priority, and not even taken into consideration, although it is a nice bonus if one has money. But I think it is pretty naive to think that the MO “dating scene” will solve problems.
Today more and more Chassidishe men don’t learn for more than a few months to a year after their marriage because it is not sustainable. Our great Sages, all the tzaddikim written about in Tanach, had jobs, some were even shepherds…The Torah way is to have a job AND at least one shuir a day, preferably more. The reliance of a young couple on the wife’s family is absolutely ridiculous, IMO. Israeli couples can live kollel for years, sometimes even forever, due to their lower standard of living. Even American couples living in Israel most often can’t pull it off because they can’t live on the standards many Israeli couples live on.
to philospher
israelis can learn in kollel long term as they come to america to collect
every morning in my shule at least 3 people
“im and avreich in kollel marrying off my children” hes not an avreich hes at least 40 and should be working!!
Young kids of today should be taught generosity of spirt as apposed to cash
Which can be gone in a flash
Could it be that the divorce rate is causing the problem
A divorced woman with a child has far less chance than a man who has children living with their x
some young men get remarried to single young kalla which exasperates the problem
One of the big problems is that there is an unrealistic expectation for the guy to sit and learn for multiple years when he doesn’t really want to. This pressure is forcing both the boys and the girls to choose something they don’t really want but because of social pressure it is a must.
And of course the guys want a father in law with money. If they are being told to stay in the beis medrash someone needs to support them.
In the tekufa I was dating there was an emphasis on the money! But I would rather offer constructive advice. 1) The couple need to share same goals 2) Stop with the investigations. BTW- It is often a mask for not want to marry at all because what they really want to do is pasul the other person. You can find an excellent shidduch at work. This business of Shadchnus does not work for everybody. Also when I hear that parents have an achrayus to find the shidduch I cringe. Are you babies? You want to stick your fangs in a wallet?Guess what? Money can leave the person too. I knew twoparents who had a son-in-law in Kollel and they hated the fact that he learned. Bitter on steroids! Too bad. They probably lost the schar mitzva in the Yenner Velt!
Just writing this because everyone has to write their own two cents.
It says in pirkei Avos that a man at age 20 should start figuring out how to support his family
That somehow got changed to learning until your wife or father in law drop from exhaustion!
It it any wonder that young men look for money
They’re simply following what they’ve taught
Isn’t it interesting that none of the Avos needed a dating resume to marry the Emahos?
Sir, I don’t know where Modern orthodox comes into the points you are making. However, I do want to address one point you mention. Yichus and money. I know the old joke Who were the mechutanim of the Avos? If they would have looked for yichus yaakov avinu, yitzchok, Avinu, Moshe Rabainu wouldn’t have gotten married. However I can tell you from personal experience that money and yichus must play a role in a shidduch. I have a cousin who comes from a chasidishe home. He wasn’t the best learner and went to work before he got married. There was a rov who had a daughter who wanted a working boy. Someone redt the shidduch and they got married. However every time he comes to his shver he feels like the odd man out. His brother in laws talk divrei Torah and he nods his head. The same thing with money if someone is used to an affluent lifestyle, marrying her to a shleper is recipe for a shaky marriage G-D forbid.
It’s funny b/c in the Modern Orthodox world, dating is the FIRST thing in their lives that the children do on their own! Parents are involved in picking High Schools, camp, Yeshiva, and then once shidduchim hit, you’re on your own! A little Fahkhert from Yeshivishe world where the High School/Yeshiva years can be a little Hefker but once shidduchim come, it’s all controlled by the parents.
That being said, better to thrive in the MO system, then flounder in the Yeshivishe one. Hatzlacha!
Elu v Elu Divrei Elokim Chaim
Give me a break, this is not motzei shem ra. You can’t deny that a community where it is very normal not to follow certain elements of basic Halacha is at a spiritually lower level, even though BH many of them want to grow and are “frumming out”. There are modox communities where hair covering is not at all kept or only by very few, or tznius or other basic stuff. Left wing modox even support gay rights at least to some extent, which is messed up. As I said, many of them are seeing how krum this is and want to become proper bnei Torah.