Nowadays, divorce has ceased to be an exceptional situation and has become almost a typical phenomenon. The US has a high divorce rate, with close to 50% of marriages failing. In the US, there are 6.5 marriages per 1000 total population, and  3.2 of them end in divorce. That leaves a large number of children growing in or being born into single-parent families. 

According to the survey conducted by the leading divorce document preparation service OnlineDivorce.com in New York, about 31% of children under the age of 18 live with only one of their parents. 

Divorce is always a traumatic event for both children and parents. Everybody that enters into marriage does so dreaming of a long happy life together with their new partner. A breakdown of that marriage shatters all hope of a lasting union leaving an empty feeling of pain and loss. 

How Children Respond to Divorce

Behind their “adult” experiences, sometimes parents do not notice the “little” feelings of their child. Adults need to look at the divorce “through the eyes of the child” in order to help the child cope with it with minimal loss. A child’s reaction to their parents’ divorce may include:

1. A loss of their sense of security. For a child of any age, mom and dad are the guarantors of safety and the source of basic support.

2. Imbalance concerning the relation with the parents, as well as confusion associated with it: “How do I love them now? And who should I love more?”

3. Anger and resentment against the parent who is considered to be at fault in the divorce.

4. Guilt: “I was not good enough, so dad or mom left.”

5. An irresistible desire to “return things to the way they were” and to reunite the parents, meaning “to regain safety and the comfort zone,” followed by more disappointment in case of failure.

Dispelling the Myths Regarding a Divorce

There are many myths about the effects of parental divorce on children. However, contrary to these beliefs, parents typically encounter a different set of reactions, depending on the age of the child.

The first myth: Little children do not understand anything

Infants and toddlers react to the emotional instability of the mother through the deterioration of sleep and appetite, and through “moodiness,” including the requirement of constant presence, attention, and touch. The preschooler will probably be tormented by guilt and sadness.

The second myth: Older children do not need anything explained; they are mature enough – so they will understand on their own

Teenagers are very sensitive to changes in the family. They need reliable support at home to grow up safely. Gradual separation is one of the psychological stages of growing up. So a sudden change in the family unit may cause anxiety, anger, resentment, symptoms of depression, and possibly even bad behavior.

The third myth: Divorce causes such deep trauma to a child that he or she will not be able to recover from it. Therefore, it best to bite the bullet and wait until the children are adults

In a fake relationship, when parents only pretend to be happy, it creates an uncomfortable situation for the child. “Cold war” trauma is often more potent than the actual breakup. Also, if there is any history of domestic violence (either physical or emotional abuse), divorce is, without a doubt, the most effective solution for a child. Indeed, the breakup of the marriage is a traumatic experience, but it’s better than making the child feel like a black sheep. Besides, the number of enlightened parents is growing too; parents that can broadcast the message “Yes, it feels bad now, but we can do it!” instead of “What a tragedy! Everything is lost!”

How to help a child

• When going through a divorce, it is essential to be aware that, for your child, you and your spouse are examples of how to behave. Imagine how you want your child to behave in challenging circumstances or conflict situations, and demonstrate this with your actions. 

• Both of you are best for your son or daughter. Do not force your child to choose who to love more. Never attempt to team up with a child against your former partner. And according to statistics, the probability of remarriage is 50%. So you don’t want your child reproducing a similar pattern with your next partner or with his or her future family. Your drama is big, but your child’s drama is deeper. He or she is still young, and this situation feels scary to them. Allocate more time for your child. Just by being there for them, you will give them peace of mind, which is the key to a peaceful life in the future.

• Do not compete with each other for the right to be the best for the child. Being a weekend mom or dad is much easier than carrying a daily burden of responsibility. Weekend moms and dads should think about how to remove part of the liabilities from their former partner to make the child’s everyday life easier. For example, help stock the fridge, step in to take the child to a doctor’s appointment, or take the child to the hairdresser. The child will feel much calmer if you offer him/her a coherent and stable system of new interaction. You should agree with your former partner about these rules in advance. Share these rules with the child and make a clear schedule of meetings, calls, trips, etc.

• Follow the “safety rule.” Thinking about the wellbeing of your child, take care of yourself first. When mom and dad are fine, the child is fine too. Writing about essential and useful things is easier than putting the recommendations into practice, especially when emotions rage in your soul. The easiest and most effective way for a divorce to be less traumatic is to consult a marriage/family therapist, coach, or negotiator who can be objective. This will make it easier for you to survive the separation, saving yourself and effectively helping the child.