(BY Rabbi Yair Hoffman for the Five Towns Jewish Times)
There has been an overwhelming response to the new Shidduch Initiative at a recent wedding in the Rye Town Hilton, where a number of first dates were initiated after the Chasuna, and at least one at the Chasuna itself. The Baalei Simcha have received numerous calls and inquiries as to how others can go about doing it. The Baalei Simcha have thus shared six steps in how to go about making a shidduch initiative. There may be many other ways to go about doing it, this is just one suggested method.
1. Make use of the typically one hour of down time between the chupah and the first dance to help facilitate shidduchim.
2. Create a separate room or section for friends of the chassan and kallah. It can be either a separate room, or separate section in the main ball room.
3. Maintain a tznius environment by keeping both sides separate, either with a mechitza or with a buffet dinner separating them in the room or section.
4. Staff the singles section with as many shadchanim as possible of both genders. Pay the shadchanim to come if necessary.
5. Encourage the singles to send in their resumes to an appointed person prior to the chasuna if possible.
6. Prep the singles in advance as to what to expect, and encourage them to interact with the shaddchanim.
It must be stressed that this was an opportunity for Shadchanim to interact with the singles and for the singles to have access to the shadchanim. Constructive comments are welcome to help tweak the model presented in order to enhance Shidduchim and Kavod Shamayim going forward.
The idea was suggested that this can become a business opportunity for an enterprising and organized individual who can become the “point person” for a shidduch initiative at one’s wedding, The point person would be hired by the parents of either the chosson or kallah – or both. The point person would coordinate with the caterer, would contact the singles and obtain resumes, would hire the shadchanim, and would train everyone involved. The point person would also run a database with everyone present to further along the shidduchim. Indeed, with the Chosson, Kallah, and parents having access to the database as well – the Shidduch Initiative can be brought to an entire new level.
The author wishes to point out that it is a mark of great people when at the height of their very own simcha – they think of others.
The author can be reached at [email protected]
(YWN World Headquarters – NYC)
Join the official YWN WhatsApp status
18 Responses
Rav Shapiro had siyate di’shmaya with daf yomi, this may very well be the siyata di’shmaya fr the many singles.
This should not distract from the other ideas proposed, starting at an earlier age, etc.
Reb Yaakov Kamentzky, Z”L was my Misader kidushin and my mentor in Shiduchim. He insisted that I agree not to take a money shiduch for myself or my children.
He said it’s a very big hindrance for the “zivug should be Oileh yaffeh”.
Indeed doing for others is the (entire) purpose of our lives as Rav Chaim Voloshiner is quoted as having told his son, Rav Avrohom, many times (see introduction to Nefesh HaChaim). And indeed hachnosas kallah is one of the examples of gemilus chessed upon which the world stands. And of course we know that the Ribono Shel Olam, Himself, is busy with being m’zaveig zivugim.
Nonetheless, it is somewhat of a concern to me, and I’m sure to many others, that HKB”H’s s partners in creation – the fathers and mothers of each and everyone of these future chassanim and kallos, seem to be out of the picture here (as they have begun going AWOL at the head tables at their own children’s weddings where often only the chossen and kallah are seated as if they are either orphans r”l or were hatched and not born to two parents who were entrusted with raising them, educating them, and, yes, marrying them off to fitting spouses.
Where are the parents in this new endeavor/initiative?
Shuali:
Where are the parents in this new endeavor/initiative?
—————————
Agree or disagree, but time has proven over and over that parents in the heimishe / yeshivish velt are more of a hindrance to shidduchim then the other way around. So this idea is actually a wonderful new start.
Mazel tov to the author on the upcoming marriage of his son
And may there be many more simchos in klal yisrael!
@Takes2-2tango: ” . . . time has proven over and over that parents in the heimishe / yeshivish velt are more of a hindrance to shidduchim then the other way around. . .” Often times that is indeed the case (although I doubt it is indigenous to the heimishe / yeshivish velt). So let the same (heretofore unnamed) Rabbonim who are behind or who back this new initiative speak (publicly) tp parents in general. (I know that all my Rebbeim – each one belonging to the heimishe / yeshivish velt – told me “NEVER look for a shidduch ‘for yourself’, ONLY what’s best for your child.) But to encourage the lack of parental involvement seems improper and possibly destructive chinuch.
Can we have names of rabbonim that support this type of shidduch making?
Shuali:
(I know that all my Rebbeim – each one belonging to the heimishe / yeshivish velt – told me “NEVER look for a shidduch ‘for yourself, ONLY what’s best for your child.) But to encourage the lack of parental involvement seems improper and possibly destructive chinuch.
———————–
“Only what’s best for your child” are the key words here.
The problem is that many , perhaps too many parents dictate to thier children whats best for them.
I hate to say it but a very large group of parents simply do not “know” thier children when it comes to shidduchim. And this is where the problemis. More times then not , good shiduchim never ever get off the ground because of the parents mishing in way too much based on rediculous mundane issues ,simply because of social pressures or of מה יאומרו השכנים.
@Takes2-2tango: Granted there are those who may not know their children and granted their MAY be some kinah, taavah, and kovod involved. It is not true in the vast majority of cases (evidenced in the fact that for the most part the shidduch / marriage success rate among the heimishe / yeshivish velt is still very, very high). And it is very possible that any decline in the success is the increasing tendency to act on our own.
Joseph
June 24, 2018 6:07 pm at 6:07 pm
Can we have names of rabbonim that support this type of shidduch making?
————————-
Joseph,
Its way too new to have any rabbanim behind it. As time goes on and it proves positive , you will have plenty rabbanim behind it.
Here’s an idea – how about just sitting single people in the same section and letting them meet each other, rather than hiring shadchanim? This is how it was done years ago, even at the most frum weddings, and I know several frum couples who met at other people’s weddings this way.
takes2-2tango
its not to early for rabanim to have an opinion, we need there opinion now so that this system can have proper gedarim for it to work according to halacha, so yes Joseph, it would be nice to hears names of rabanim that are pro this!
@Takes2-2tango: “Joseph,
Its way too new to have any rabbanim behind it. As time goes on and it proves positive , you will have plenty rabbanim behind it.”
This was never, and should never be, the way Torah Jews act. First we ask. First we seek the advice of our Einei haEidah.
The bottom line is, since the current Chosson/Kallo are compatible, and many of their respective friends are like minded people, so higher than pure random chance, that some other compatible matches shall be under that same roof come wedding hour between Chuppo & dance.
shuali- And what will we learn from getting signatures from various Rabbonim. I already know what will happen- Some Rabbonim will approve and some will not. I’m assuming the black-hat yeshivish crowd (parts of Lakewood, Monsey, Brooklyn, etc) will forbid it, as even the entrances have a bullet-proof brick wall separation- let alone allowing shidduch dating without 3-5 references verified per single. Rabbonim from 5 Towns, Bergen Co, etc will sign off.
@TGIShabbos: Machlokes is not a problem. Throughout the ages, communities had their poskim and their differing opinions, schools of thought; Bavel and Eretz Yisroel, Sura and Pumpidissa, Eastern Europe and Western Europe, etc. By having names, each person will know how his community’s Rabbonim expect him/her to act.
Shuali, Makes sense.
Any initiative that encourages frum young men and women to interact with one another in an informal environment, even with “professional” shadchanim as facilitators is a great idea. So is taking the parents out of the equation and allowing for a more non-judgmental opportunity to engage without the pressures of a “screening” by the parents and the often negative comments that follow. Rav Hoffman notes that the structure of these meetings has been designed to address any concerns about tzinius so not sure there is a need to defer until some chashuve rabbonim render their opinion. The objective is to encourage a more natural opportunity for young frum singles to meet at a time they are gathered for a Simcha and hopefully look their best and are thinking about their own time to find their beschert.