The following article appears in this weeks 5 Towns Jewish Times:
You may have noticed that people seem to be obsessed with a so-called shidduch crisis, a problem of sorts which has rapidly hijacked the attention of our tight-knit community.
Several months ago (Five Towns Jewish Times, June 29, 2007), I wrote an article entitled “Shidduch Crisis? More Like an Identity Crisis,” which portrayed my personal thoughts and feelings about this situation, deemed an epidemic by many frantic community members. Drawing upon my own personal experience and the accumulated emotions of many peers, I tried to tap into the true root of the crisis rather than hocking, ranting, or theorizing about superficial symptoms. I wrote from the heart, as I speak from the perspective of what some may consider a “victim” of this “crisis.”
The purpose of this essay is to highlight the consequences of this inappropriate obsession—as they are quite grave—and to offer words of chizuk to those who have truly related to my devarim ha’yotzim min ha’leiv, words stemming from the heart.
Clearly, there are many concerned parents, therapists, and community activists who have noble intentions in their pursuit to solve the problem. Yet, unfortunately, my personal experience, confirmed by many peers who responded to my article, sees a misguided response.
Labeling the situation a crisis is in itself an inappropriate approach to the whole scenario—one which, if anything, only strengthens the hysterical sense of anxiety and panic. The unspoken implication of the term crisis creates a “victim mentality” toward and among those perceived as hostages of the crisis—usually taking the form of rationalized gossip, such as: “Oy, she’s still single?! What a nebach! This crisis is just getting out of control!” The “nebach” knows that he or she is being analyzed, and this judgment is severely disturbing to one’s sense of self.
Last I checked, being a nebach was not the most honorable title, yet it has become the degrading fate of many a single girl or boy in our community. If one wants to view the situation as a crisis, it may be more accurate to rephrase the term “shidduch crisis” to “unmarried nebach syndrome”—because, in all honesty, that’s the message being portrayed. If you have any doubt about this, ask the individuals themselves to confirm this for you. Granted, I can’t speak for everyone; some people may find a warped sense of pleasure in the victim role.
Frantic mothers may not have the objectivity to see it in this light, and these are usually the voices that fuel the public panic. But I urge you to ask the so-called victims how they feel. If their voices were acknowledged, I presume much of this frenzy would meet a response of “thanks, but no thanks.”
By no means do I seek to undermine the pure intentions of heartbroken mothers. I simply want to amplify the voices of those for whom their heart breaks.
The consequences of this inappropriate panic are manifold, some more tragic than others. The “Oy vey! Nebach! Crisis!” mentality that has been the demeaning undertone of this prevalent obsession triggers a hysterical sense of impulsivity to marry off every single “victim,” as though this solution will shower our lives with joy and serenity, living happily ever after upon rescue from the treacherous chains of shidduchim. My married friends have been honest enough to confirm the emptiness of this deceptive myth. The happily-ever-after fallacy that we so despise in Hollywood films has somehow reaffirmed itself in our frum circles. A girl who walks down the aisle is saved, as her single friends share bittersweet emotions, still waiting ever so desperately to cross that finish line, to make it at last. Is this an exaggerated illustration, or does it resemble an all-too-common scenario?
The so-called crisis seems to be a self-fulfilling prophesy, fueled and perpetuated by those who fear a slight period of singlehood as though it were the plague. In truth, this mentality is a recipe for disaster. Needing to get married with such frenzied impulsivity has initiated the surfacing of a new phenomenon: a post-shidduch crisis, entailing young divorcés and divorcées, cases of abuse, and an entire whirlwind of marital disarray. This is all rapidly unfolding before our eyes, and only Heaven knows how much pain has been concealed behind closed doors.
Many wonder in shock how such a couple could have ever seen a happy future together. In all probability, the future was hardly considered—and how could it have been? With such a shortsighted sense of pressure being imposed on young singles, could we expect any trace of clear-minded objectivity?
The deeper dynamics unfolding here are sharply captured in the words of Chazal (Avos 5:19): “Kol ahavah she’hi t’luyah b’davar, bateil davar b’teilah ahavah”—Any love that is dependent upon something (in this case, relief from the shidduch panic), [if] the “something” is nullified, the love is nullified.
So what’s the answer?
I’ve said it once, and I’ll say it again: bitachon. If we are frum enough to use words like “shidduch” and “black hat,” we’ve probably heard of “Hashem.” In that case, we could benefit from regaining a Torah perspective and remembering the true root of it all.
Aside from the fact that having bitachon looks great on your shidduch resumé (cynical joke, I apologize), it also happens to open your eyes to the fact that, in truth, no crisis exists. And, if this occurs, our situation is far from a crisis—it is a priceless gift. In light of the sacred words of the Chovos HaLevavos, Shaar Habitachon, the entire “crisis” and all of its havoc evaporates into kiddie talk. This is not to remove the obligation of hishtadlus; it is, rather, to remove the compulsive sense of hysteria presently being posed as hishtadlus.
The shidduch process has forced me to learn this lesson (albeit, one that comes and goes, and requires continuous restrengthening), and for that I couldn’t be more appreciative to Hashem. Has it been a smooth ride? Hardly. Has it been challenging? Most certainly. Is it a beautiful experience? Beauty and wisdom appear in the form of the present moment. Single or married, this awareness (or lack thereof) is the only factor that can determine how beautiful life will be.
So, rather than anticipate future recipes for happiness by desperately running away from a mind-made crisis, let’s embrace the only place happiness ever dwells: here, now. If all that ever exists is the present moment, and this precious moment—when looked at with clarity—presents no crisis, where exactly does the crisis exist? Contemplate this question, for within it evaporates the crisis illusion.
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75 Responses
Kol Hakavod. Beautifully written and accurate to a fault. Now permit me to express an opinion from a parent’s perspective.
Not all children are ready to be in the Parsha when they turn 18 or 20. Parents must assess each child as to their maturity, emotional state, financial ability to contribute to supporting a family and a host of other factors which make for a happy and productive marriage. Encouraging a child to marry before she or he is emotionally ready is a recipe for disaster. Some children are not ready until 25, 27, 30 or even later. There is nothing wrong with that. We should not look at them as failures or feel sorry for them. We should love them for who they are and let them know that their time will come b’shaa tova.
Beautiful article……but……the author is missing the point as the lifestyle, etc. has created a crisis due to the demographics of the boy/girl ratio when they hit the shidduch age in the not very chassidishe enclaves. Solutions must be sought,yes as part out the hishtadlus. Ignoring the issue will not make it go away.
I myself as I said befor am on the market. It is hard, I’ll admit it. My best friend just became engaged, let me tell you, I thought I’m going to have a certain resentment against her forever. Everyone called me up and asked how I’m taking it-I told them “i’m so happy for her” , and I am probably more than she was! But deep down there was a tug of why her and not me.
Then chasdei Hashem I opened up my eyes before I hit depression, I realized there is only ONE AND ONLY ONE SHADCHAN IN THE WORLD!! He has a reason why each every day I’m single. My father wants me married off already, how much more my father in shomayim wants me to be, but He has a reason, and that reason is because my ‘prince’ is not ready to come yet.
Everyone tells me I have to go see these shadchanim so people will know I’m around. However I don’t-why? Because again, THE ONE AND ONLY SHADCHAN KNOWS I’M AROUND!
This letter is so true, it’s NOT a crisis, so stop making it. Parents stop pressuring your kids to marry someone who they have doubts on. There is a reason why your child is single, daven to the SHADCHAN up in the heavens-direct your hishtadlos there!
It’s not normal that in my grade there are girls getting divorced already! This is happening because of everyone calling this a CRISIS- please stop!
may everyone find there zivugim soon and b’shah tova!
The “crisis” stems from the fact that we have instituted a gentile system of finding a “marriage partner.”
Our boys and girls are looking for “that special soul mate,” that person with whom they can be “truly fulfiled.”
These are not Jewish concepts. The Talmud says that you should strive to marry a “Bas Talmid ChaCham,” and that you should meet her face-to-face before contracting for marriage, in order to make sure that you are not “rvolted” by her.–that’s it!
If she’s been well brought-up, and has good middos, and she is committed to establishing a home of Torah and Kedusha, you have all the ingredients for a happy and successful Jewish life–and, yes, true love.
Good marriages are not an accident, they are created and built by two good people who have the necessary background and who are committed to the task.
I tend to agree with you that to some degree, this is becoming a self fulfilling prophecy.
However, I have been around the block and would like to share my views on this subject, heretofore, not publicly published.
When I was dating (early 80s), yeshiva boys, to a large degree children of Holocaust survivors understood the importance and urgency of being able to provide for a parnassah. Yeshvia boys attended college, pursued other means of employment, etc. however, were establsihed such that by the time they became a choson, they were financially planted soundly in the ground.
Today, young punks wanting to get married with a diminished maturity level, only seeking $$$$$$$
from a prospective in-law. What a sick mentality to approaching life. Therefore, those girls who have all maalos and quality middos, however, not from megabucks, are sitting by the phone. Waiting Waiting and Waiting.
My next installment, subject to the approval of the moderator, will discuss the origins of this problem and what needs to be corrected.
Well said. I would just like to extrapolate this idea to other “crisis” areas in our communities. Just as there is a “nebach” implication that has unfairly been attached to the not-yet-marrieds, the same holds to true to other situtations. For example, couples that are married some time and not yet had children, or married a long time and have maybe 1-2 children, or who have special children. When someone has a baby why do people have to ask, “And this is number ???” Firstly, it’s not their business. Secondly, it breeds a mindset that there is some kind of competition to see who can have the most children.
Of course, we need to build Klal Yisrael but sometimes Hashem’s plan for certain individuals is different. Many people don’t seem to grasp this. Of course, they should make hishtadlus to rectify or better these situations but when there is a “nebach” mentality that is pasted on such situations this doesn’t help anyone, quite the opposite.
Again, this concept can be extended to various situations. The point is, while making histadlus, whatever the situation, one can accomplish great things, whether in learning or chesed or other ways, to benefit himself or herself, and Klal Yisrael. Everyone has a distinct tafkid to carry out.
Those who deny or try to minimize the shidduch crisis are guilty of achzurius and most likely haven’t been affected by it personally.
Wake up! There are more girls than boys. Bitachon and Tefilla cannot change the numbers. Bitachon is what you should have for your own problems, it’s not what you tell other people to have.
But I agree that it should not be called a crisis. It’s a calamity and requires urgent action on everyones part. May hashem forgive anyone minimizing it is.
this letter is so true.
do you know how many girls who got married right away ARE DIVORCED ALREADY?!?!?!?!
obviously if it’s the right guy, get married whenever u meet him- even if it is “right away”- but the pressure that is put, which is stemming from panic and a tiny bit of a lack of Bitachon, is causing some ammount of hastily, rushed-in-to shidduchim…with the l’chaim made even before they’re both sure that they are for each other…
never before has there been such a high divorce rate among girls who are NOT YET 20 YEARS OLD!!!!
I’m sure these girls will tell you that although the relief to be married so soon was enormous…the pain they’re going through as a result is simply not worth it.
again, i’m not saying it’s wrong to get married quickly- chas v’shalom, my close friend got married really young and is Boruch Hashem doing very well.
but it is wrong to get married too quickly as a result of the panic and pressure.
Have Bitachon.
may I interduce a new word ‘syata d’shmaya’
been on the market but took me many years of dating that I lacked the bitachon.
b’h I discovered not so long ago that you have to believe 100% in emunah. it works in parnassah and shidduchim.
For us out of towners, who’s the editor/author of this piece? Very good point, and is evidenced by quote 3, resonating with those most impacted.
Yes it is a crisis when there are not enough frum boys to go around for the frum girls who want to get married. Imagining away the crisis will not make it go away. Davening also will not solve the crisis on a community level although it may help on the individual level. As a community we have to come to gether and figure out a sensible,practical, and workable solution to solve this problem. One solution is out there already and that is to try to alter the tendancy of boys to only marry girls who are much younger than them.
“a crisis due the demographics of the boy/girl ratio when they hit the shidduch age in the not very chassidishe enclaves”
This newfound myth is now a part of the problem. The attempt to manipulate children as a result of this myth is dreadful.
excellent piece. someone I know says about the hishtadlus/bitachon meter – I can’t define how much is enough hishtadlus, but i KNOW when i am over the line. If every action of hishtadlus is combined with a clear realization that this is only to show HKB”H that we are trying and we seek his brocha, it will be rewarded.
A note to all girls out there, everyone else listen too…
Here is a situation we dealt with. A 21 year old girl complained to her mother that every learning guy she went with reminded her of her younger brother in the fact that they had done “nothing” in thier lives and they didnt know what they wanted to do when they “got older.”
We asked the mother so what has your daughter done to which she reposnded that since sem she is working and running an office among other things she does with herself.
We asked the mother if she and her daughter realize the point of a learning guys is that he is LEARNING. THAT IS WHAT HE DOES and nothing else. Granted he could have been a counselor in camp during summer bain haszmanim but the learing guy generally is not doing anything else.
Her job is working in an office and his job is sitting and learning. I dont think she would want his job, thats for sure!
The mother thanked us as she never realized it that way and said she would speak to her daughter. We dont know if the girl still wanted a “learning” guy or if she decided to go with guys who were working but also learning.
A problem is that the girls are thinking they want one thing when the emes is they really want something else.
Another point:
We know a 22 year old guy who probably should not be dating yet but he is looking nonetheless and we wish him hatzlocha.
His problem is that he really has no idea what he wants and to make matters more complicated, he is misrepresenting himself. He claims certain things about himself which are completely not true (smoking, minyan, videos, etc., it doesnt make a difference what they are) and I think the other side finds out about these things and are turned off.
Guys and girls need to realize when they are in the “parsha,” they are on display and they need to act in such a manner. I am not saying to sit in the Bais 24/7 but the mentchlichkeit and the bain adom l’chavayro needs to be on the up & up.
You never know who the sh’liach will be. He/she could be standing right next to you so DONT BLOW IT!
The writer seems to believe that the so-called crisis has lead to a frenzy of young people getting married, even if they may be unsuitable. This is not a new phenomenon, Jewish people have been getting married at a young age for a long, long time. It’s just that today divorce is more acceptable than living a horrible life with the wrong person. Perhaps the divorce crisis is being overstated as well?
It looks like the authors name is missing. Mind filling it in?
Arbaim yom kodem yitziras havlad….
“The Talmud says that you should strive to marry a “Bas Talmid ChaCham,” and that you should meet her face-to-face before contracting for marriage, in order to make sure that you are not “revolted” by her.–that’s it!
If she’s been well brought-up, and has good middos, and she is committed to establishing a home of Torah and Kedusha, you have all the ingredients for a happy and successful Jewish life–and, yes, true love.”
#4 – Nowadays we spend alot more time together. Is it still good enough to simply “not be revolted” by her? I strongly feel otherwise.
As you describe it almost anyone can marry anyone else. If you share a home and see each other every day and are expected to go places together, I think that it’s alright to require a tad more compatibility. Please do not apply old standards to current life. It IS a Jewish concept to live in the present – so long as it’s OUR present.
#4
to further bring out your point when yitzchak avinu saw rivkah for the first time is not when he ‘fell in love’ with her, it was only AFTER they got married that it states in the pasuk yitzchak loved her.
no girl/guy is perfect, only after you get married is when you actually start caring for one another, but it needs to be set up with a SOLID FOUNDATION- but it has to be a joint effort.
It seems this situation was coined a “crisis” not by the people actually “in the parsha” but by those people with a direct or indirect “interest” in getting those people married. Are there more people out there like lgbg who can express there own feelings about the situation (rather than those people who were merely indoctrinated by there parents to consider the situation a crisis)?
Parents should spend less time and energy thinking about themselves when considering potential mates for their children. And, if a child cannot or has not expressed what is important to him or her personally in life and in a mate, then that child is not ready to make a marital commitment to someone else, no matter what a knowledgeable parent knows.
The way I see it there are numerous problems.
1) More girls that claim they want learning guys than the amount of learning guys available.
2) The feeling az es kumt tzu mich – As someone recently wrote – It used to be someone staying in Kollel sacraficed – now the parents have to sacrafice for the kids to stay in Kollel.
3) Many boys and girls go out not being serious about marriage. By the time they get serious they have passed the premium age.
4) There are older Chassidishe boys (By the Chassidim the problem is reversed) and older Yeshivishe girls. How many are serious enough about wanting to get married, that they are willing to consider a perfectly frum mate that comes from a slightly different background? Why do we see this happening only by a second marriage? If the boy or girl has the right personality, same level of Yiras Shomayim who cares what type of hat he or she wears?
Don’t delude yourself. The divorces are not happening because of the younger people getting married. I have noted that the older people getting married get divorced at an equitable rate. Also, don’t think a lack of Emunah is what stands in the way of Shidduchim, plenty of singles have Emunah and Bitachon…and are still single.
We are told to emulate Hashem (just as He does Bikur Cholim, so should we, etc). What amazes me is, if that were true, that we are to try to emulate Hakadosh Boruch Hu, then EVERYONE should be spending ALL DAY making Shidduchim, for that is what Hashem does “all the time” since Briyas Ha’Olam. But folks don’t do that. Most people don’t spend time trying to set people up. Rather, they spend it bashing the singles.
Even the Shadchanim fall into that trap. How many a single went to the “agencies” set up to make matches, only to find out it is a Lashon Harah den, where a bunch of yentas discuss the single, judge them, smear their reputation, but never suggest a normal Shidduch. If anyone out there is sincere about the Shidduch crisis, roll up your sleeves and get to work — suggest a match a day. That is emulating G-d
There is no crises at all people are getting married each & every night & halls are already booked till the end of Sep. of this yr. check it our yourself & you will see i am correct.
Its called STUPIDITY not a CRISES. I have tried myself to set up or match up some some young couples, however they have a Purchase order that has to meet a certain criteria outherwise they are not interested.
That is the bottom line of the problem & guess what nobody is interested in dealing with people that everything has to be 100% to thier imagination (heights, weights, Color, Family, Money & most importent the looks)but let me assure all of you out there,that there is absolutly positivly no crises at all as the normal get engaged very quick & the idiots have been around & will be around for a very long time.
The whole scene stinks and is a breeding ground for loshon hora. When Rabbe Akiva got married his wife to be saw in him that he was “Tznua U’maalin” which according to the m’forshim means he was a nice fellow and (forgive me) he closed the door when going to the men’s room. I don’t reccomend that a mother go to a shidduch meeting with this information if she expects any takers for her son.
First of all, the author is missing the point. He makes a few valid, nice points but they are all side points. I agree with #2.
Secondly, no one fears the the “slight” period of shidduchim. People fear that it will be a lot longer than that.
Thirdly, I hate to say this, but “this solution will shower our lives with joy and serenity, living happily ever after upon rescue from the treacherous chains of shidduchim” is true. Shidduchim can be a miserable parsha and frum girls do feel more fullfilled raising a family.
If you want to solve the problem of girls panicking, the demographics problem has to be solved and anyone in shiddchim can tell you it’s not a myth.
Commentors 5 and 12 (with varying degress of tact) touch on a very real problem. One that I suspect is at the heart of the current shidduch difficulties (as well as a host of other contemporary issues). The problem is exacerbated by the fact that people are reluctant to discuss whether the contemporary kollel phenomenon is out of hand for fear of being labeld heretics who disagree with daas torah. At some point we are going to have to come to grips with some important questions, like:
1) What really is daas torah on the matter of kollel? Is it the simple “everyone learn as long as possible” that we might infer from looking around at current trends? Or, is it a more subtle issue depending on the individual?
2) Do rabbonim actually unilaterally endorse the simple version or is there a significant, albeit silent, percentage of rabbonim who think that there are too many yungerleit staying in koller too long? If so, why won’t they speak up?
3) Are we following a model genuinely endorsed by gedolei torah or are we following a model driven more by the tastes and sensibilities of the more affluent members of our community who can afford to be more “fashionably frum” than the next guy?
4) Have we uniformly imposed a kollel model on so many young men and women that we have compromised the legitimate interests of having an economically viable torah-based infrastructure.
5) Have these affluence-driven sensibilities placed crushing burdens on our middle class such that hard-working parents have to beg, borrow, and steal so that every last girl can spend a year in Israel and every last young married man can spend indefinite amounts of time in full-time learning?
This is just scratching the surface. Sooner or later we need to confront these questions.
#5 I wish you luck in bringing honest discussions on these issues to the fore. If you suceed in getting a dialogue going, I will actively support it. A well-intentioned word to the wise, though, you must suppress the anger and cynicism or it’s a non-starter.
#7 – you are 100% right.
Shidduchim are metaphysical. Staying together requires very hard work. I lament that regarding men, yeshivos in general and chassidim in particular don’t teach the boys how to treat women. In fact, as I recall they are very degrading toward women… Vehamaiven yavin. Prospect Park Yeshiva, yes THAT Prospect Park had boys and girls together in grade school some 40 years ago. And they taught the young children to dance together. I realize in this frumer than thou environment that would never happen, but that bit of history demonstrates to me that maybe this is the way to be mechanich the kids and teach them respect for each other rather than have the kids learn social interaction from all the garbage on the streets.
mark levine
finally a man who knows what he wants-)
I happen to agree with you cause I in that rut for many years altough still single I came to my senses a bit over a half a year ago.
guys and gals alike need to start prioritizing what’s is really imposrtant in a marriage instead of what is it that they want in a marriage
that said….stop looking for the 100 percent or 70 percent.
what do you mean why not etc etc etc.
look for the 50 percent and your 50 percent together makes you 100 percent and you bring eachothers weakneses and strength together and bring the best out of one another.
siyata dishmaya will bring us together once we have that strong emunah and bitachon with zero doubt but of course hishtadlus will prevail at the outmost unexpected time.
with mazel ubrocha I wish all of us that want to get married with the right intentions get real and out of your comfort zone.
like those who live on the uws have chosen to live in the comfort zone I totally don’t get it altough I understant them.
I have chosen not to torture myself but def. not too feel comfy. eventually with that and emunah with out a doubt we will all find happiness at last.
ploiderer
I disagree with the myth that we have more single gals then guys.
if your in the singles scene you would of known that its not true.
now don’t come with your buby meises that you’ve been envolved so you know better I’ve been in the box for a a very long time and bitachon together with hishtatlus will bring you closer of course don’t forget to look for the 50 percent in your mate your 50 percent together you are a healthy 100percent.
now go get married people-)
Ok 4, a boy needs to look for a bas talmid chochom, whose looks he can live with, who has middos and a good upbringing.What are the girls supposed to look for???? 15, I for one don’t knock learning. In fact I am extremely machshiv learning, based on my upbringing, education, personal experience in kollel, years of facillitating my husband’s being kovaih ittim, and raising my own children. But there has to be a baseline for what girls need to look for too. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if every man could learn 24/7! But don’t the boys need to be resourceful enough to be able to shoulder the burden when necessary, or should an emergency develop before the agreed upon time? What (else) would you put on your short list of what your daughter should look for in a shidduc?
woddsy
thnx for the love and compassion. whoever you are-)
You can call it anything you like, but don’t pretend that there isn’t a huge problem out there!
As someone heavily involved in shidduchim, I can honestly say that this is a massive problem. There are no simple solutions.
Of course, bitachon is needed. But… much hishtadlus needs to be done as well.
A bas kol is machriz 40 days before – bas ploini l’ploini. Everyone’s zivug is out there! But, people need to leave no stone unturned & make finding their zivug their top priority.
I remember coming home from israel I was barely 19 yrs old struggled with the yeshiva system in hs coming home I wanted to choose a diffrent direction.
my backround was chassidish but my senses were pulling me toward a more middle ground leveled with the right path no matter how you do it weather chassidish litvish middle mainstream etc.
my parents got scared and wanted me married off
thanks to hashem which gave me the knowledge and s’yata d’shmaya I sat my mother a’h down and asked her this!
do you really think I know what I want out of a marriage at thos point!
of course the answer was no.
and that led me down a path of b’h a lot of changes in my life as the author of this article wrote some people wake up late.
yes I’m 29 already dated for eight years but b’h this year I was convinced that it takes more then just wanting or despration to get married.
look for the 50percent.
prioritize what a marriage is all about.
and elevate to a level of bitachon and emunah which means you believe that with out a doubt it will happen with hishtadlus etc.
my rabbi would ask me.whenever I went out and liked the girl.
(1) do you feel comfy with her in all situations vice versa!
(2) can you see her as your wife and the mother of your kids raising them the way you want them raised! (hashkafa)
(3) anything that you can’t stand about her! if yes then your pretty much good to go.
what he meant wasent that you should look away at things its just comes to tell you that marriage will be about learning ti comprimise and bring the good out of eachother and deal with the small issues which might seem like big issued in the beg.
one last thing guys gals get out of your comfy zone esp. the uws comfy zone get back to dating the shidduch way with all I have said if you do it b’h you will see happiness soon.
This is a very true article!
I do agree with people that a rushed shidduch can lead to a divorce, but I also believe that the divorce rate is rising due to immaturity and lack of understanding to what the responsibility of marriage really is.
In addition, the more people who get divorced causes more people to think that divorce is okay and not a problem causing more and more people to use that option.
According the R’ Avigdor Miller (and others), Divorce is an option very very rarely. As much as people can feel rushed in a shidduch, Hashem is in charge and if two people get married they should move heaven and earth before considering divorce.
When people expect perfection and a happliy ever after life- divorce is inevitable since life is not happily ever after. Each person needs to WORK towards perfection, not expect it for free. Everyone should be busy in working on themselves and not expecting so much from their spouse. Perhaps a few marriages can be saved.
Hashem should help us!
…oh and as to the letter writer’s main point.
Yes, of course we need to have bitachon and panic doesn’t do anyone any good.
When the going get’s tough, bitachon requires that we not depair.
It does not discharge us of our obligation to take practical initiative to identify and solve problems.
This is the bottom line:
When there are many of our neighbors and friends have daughters who can’t find a shiduch THIS IS A CRISIS!!!!. A parent can view there own situation as NOT A CRISIS. MY FRIENDS PROBLEMS IS A CRISES. FOR YOURSELF YOU CAN HAVE BETOCHON OR WHAT EVER ELSE WILL GET YOU THROUGH THIS NON CRISES!
the author is:
Doni Joszef
NonKollelman
Its not the boys fault, they are in the system thats teaching them to do this. If they were to go out and work or go to school, then they would be branded.
Thank you for submitting such a beutifully written and heartfelt article. It brought tears to my eyes and I am neither a single, nor a parent of one. The ribono shel oilum is definitely proud of this one.
ksn and lgbg very valid points. thnx all for your insight.
please don’t say that the problem is the lack of boys, because there are over 2500 bochurim in BMG, 3000 bochorim in the Mir, 3000 bochurim in Brisk… there are thousands of boys. Yes, I know there are thousands of girls, but why aren’t they being set up with eachother?
I have a grand idea why not have a ‘single’ gathering in the Madison Square Garden on March 9-it’s anyways vacant for the day, and fill up the room half with the girls and half with the boys and there should be 2 buckets, one with the girls names and one with the boys. A rav himself should make a ‘gorel’ and pick out a ‘couple’. A gorel is from shamayim. Let the couple date and you never know, we just may have a couple hundred more mazel tovs!
youre welcome WHOSAIDWHAT. one more comment on the CRISIS!!: a crisis is someone who is ill, or someone who is unable to feed himself or his family. if every situation that is not to one’s ultimate preference is a crisis, we may as well crawl into a hole. I dont want to seem insensitive to those in the parsha who are having difficulty, on the contrary I want to be mechazek them to see their day-to-day lives as productive and positive while they await that next similarly or even more productive stage of life. Nothing positive will come of hand-wringing and kvetching. active hishtadlus without beh-hulluh (not sure how to spell that) is appropriate. If you want to solve any crisis, it would require a wholesale shift in current norms of expectations so as to allow the less monied parents some equal footing in the marketplace. I, too, have chaveirim who are struggling in this parsha, many of whom are in chinuch and cannot provide much support, and I try to help them by seeking shidduchim…but mostly by davening for them and giving them personal encouragement and reminders that there is, as the writer, noted – ONLY ONE shadchan and He has his own timetable for us all.
“…there is absolutly positivly no crises at all as the normal get engaged very quick & the idiots have been around & will be around for a very long time.”
Yes, people are very concerned with externals these days. Is it not so, however, that Hakadosh Baruch Hu mizaveig zivugim? I happen to know many “normals” who are still around and many who you would call “idiots” that got married quickly. There is no rhyme or reason for the length of time in which people get married.
To Tzippy–no. 33
Here is what a girl should look for, according to the Steipler Gaon, ZT”L.
The boy should be a masmid (a settled boy, who is capable of focuing on his responsibilities).
The boy should be an ehrliche Ben-Torah, knowledgable in Halacha.
The boy should have good middos, an unselfish baal chesed.
His looks should not be revolting to you.
That’s it. The rest will develop over the rest of your lifetime. A good marriage doesn’t happen. It is created from the ground up.
When you’re looking, you want to seek out potential, to build a successful Jewish home. Don’t expect a finished product–you won’t find it!
Remember, “perfection is an enemy of the good.”
>>Her job is working in an office and his job is sitting and learning. I dont think she would want his job, thats for sure!
‘If we are frum enough to use words like “shidduch” and “black hat,” we’ve probably heard of “Hashem.”’ Great line.
From #48
“A good marriage doesn’t happen”
Haha – do you mean that?
WHO SAID WHAT
your very welcome.
Shidduch Crisis –
I think the main problem is that both the boys & the girls (more so the girls) have allowed the image of man-woman relationship seen by the goyim to seep in to their minds & hearts, to lesser or greater extents. We KNOW that our values are much different than those of the goyim, yet we think that we can mimick them, as long as we add some “reforms” to Judaize their wonderful ideas.
So – it’s really very painful & shamegful that it is so – the bochur is waiting for some girl who posseses a certain pre-determined look, while the girl is waiting for that “prince in shining armor”, but, of course, along with the loftiest levels of ruchnius & hashkofo, sort of “the best of both worlds”, “tzu g-t un tzu leit” par exellence. In other words, the shidduch era is seen as the time to “cash in on your dividends” of how much in demand you are; how hot an item you are on the market.
The first mitzva in the Torah is “pru urvu”. And just as with all the mitzvos, there is the need for z’rizus. “Al tachmitzu es hamitzvos”. One has to approach as holy and vaunted a mitzvah as marriage with awe, tremor and humility. The latter is the most important one, and it makes the whole quest for your basherte a completely different metzius than goyishe romance.
lgbg good point.
why does everyone mention the yeshiva boys what about the working boys. last time I checked it was more single working guys who were older n single
Unlike many respondents I don’t have the answers. However, I can share some valuable da’as Torah that I heard when I was going out 28 years ago. I once asked Rav Yaakov Kamenetsky zt’l what my hashkofo should be concerning shidduchim and he responded, ‘You should put in as much hishtadlus as if it were totally in your hands but you should realize that nothing that you do makes any difference’. My Rebbi Rav Shmuel Yaakov Weinberg zt’l didn’t believe in using check lists to measure compatibility. I once asked him what feelings if any were necessary for a successful zivug. He responded, ‘Do you miss her?’. When I said that I do, he said that was sufficient. He meant that romance is not necessary and not desirable, however some level of attraction should exist. I fear that some may mistinterpret what I’ve written but like chaza’l say ‘yeshorim darkay Hashem …’. When I came to his apartment to tell him that I was a chosson, both and he and his rebbetzin shetichye, said that in the alphabet of marriage you must work on putting the ‘u’ (you) before the ‘I’.
Concerning the high divorce rate in frum circles, if I recall correctly, I’ve heard beshaim Rav Elye Svei shlit’a may he have a refuo shlaimo, that the reason for this tragedy is that neither the boy nor the girl ever heard the word ‘no’ before they were married. Vehmayvin yovin.
#24 your comment is extremely insensitive & contradictory to your screenname of levtov –do u really think all the single ppl still around are “idiots” & all the marrieds are “normal” -where the heck r u from?! like a previous poster stated there r many “idiots” married (dont kno how happily married) & many of the single ppl still around are a lot more “normal” -many times the cream of the crop i.e. the top girls & guys often get married a bit later -u know why ? Bec Hashem has an unbeleivably awesome match in store 4 them & they may have to merit & wait a bit 2 deserve him/ her. Im single & in the parsha & have dated many guys that were not 4 me & what keeps me going when Im down is a bracha I once received from a Gadol telling me great things abt the person I will IYH marry so when I find my bashert IYH I know it will have been worth the wait ! Hatzlacha to all the singles out there ! hang in there its gonna b alright 🙂
lgbg- wow! where did u get your numbers from? last i checked (like today-i am a bochur in bmg) there are around 750 in bmg (many of whom are engaged) 200 in brisk, and the mir boasts around 1000 american bocherim! (maybe you mistakenly counted married men in your numbers). but the numbers you wrote are WAY OFF!
lgbg- I get this feeling that ‘who said what’ likes you! maybe the two of you can spend a night at a game at madison square gardens together! Lol. but seriously, what type of idea is that to pick names out of a raffle?
one reason for the shidduch crisis is a new type of frumkite or chumra girls have taken upon themselves. If a girl goes out with a boy and it is not for her she does not pass that boy on to someone else. I was told that it is an inyon of tznius that no one should know who you go out with. If someone can explain the logic I would appreciate it.
I wrote something a little while back on the same topic.
http://www.theyeshivaworld.com/article.php?p=10891
problem is, barely anyone here got the point.
oh, well.
I can’t say I’ve read all of the previous comments, but I think it’s safe to assume that no one “explained” why we as a society (Frum circles) do what we do regarding setting the appropriate age/time for marriage. Here goes…
In Hashem’s world (Earth), He in His infinite wisdom, created man and woman with feelings of desire for the purpose of “pro-creation”. All animals and living things were created that way by Hashem. Those feelings are not necessarily felt when each person is alone. A “single” girl or boy can age well into their lives without feeling the “desires” of being “one flesh and blood” as outlined in our Torah. I know this is a very short way of explaining this, but in a nutshell, getting married as soon as an adult reaches maturity is the most assured way of avoiding pitfalls of singles becoming attracted to someone who they’re not permitted to become intimate with, regardless of where they are “looking” to release or quell their desires. Remember, you cannot deny Hashems purpose of creation! Every human should have those feelings of desire. It is our job as “frum Yidden” to keep those desires in check, true, but our Torah tells us those desires are normal and acceptable in the permitted manner. That “manner”, is within the confines of “marriage”. The “crisis” really affects only the females. Why? The mitzvah of having children is only on the Man, not the woman. As long as there is no pressure on the man to “settle” before there’s no one left for him to marry a “young enough woman” that can still bear him children (SHE is the one with the “ticking” time-bomb who all-too-soon reaches the post-child-bearing age), as long as he can still find a woman who can bear him his children, he satisfies his requirement of having children – regardless of HIS age! Hence, the CRISIS is such that the single girl’s parents worry that she will be too much of a risk for a man to choose her as SHE “ages”. The more time (past 30) she passes, the less chance of her bearing children are. The singe girl (of any age) does not appreciate this. She was not taught this in school, nor by her parents. As such, she doesn’t feel the crisis. She considers herself a “person”. She may be right, but the “crisis” is her ultimate TAFKID HACHAIM which is to bear children and carry the next generation.
I am trying to understand something we have a problem, or a crisis, however you want to phrase it.Now in the past when we had a problem we went to das chachomim to tell us what to do.Now we all know a ban works, from the lipa episode.So what are the things that can be done to solve this problem which are condemning girls to a lifetime of single hood r’l. 20 years ago when the yeshiva olam were getting married not to many boys sat and learned most of us went out to work and we did very well spiritually and financially .By looking at how well our children turned out it looks like the system worked.The chasidasha olam also went out to work before and now more then the litvesha.When the satmar rebbe came to America, he made sure his chassidam went to work, in order to be able to live a frum life, he knew with out kemach ain torah, he did not hold of sitting and learning for most of his olam.So we have a situation a matziv now that needs critical thinking this is about life,for girls out there. The question that every bochar has to sit and learn is the crux of the matter, it boils down to boys looking for girls who have money, girls going to the best sem to be able to get the boys who are sitting and learning, so a girl is embarrassed to go out with a boy who will go straight to work, it means parents whos children are supposed to have the utmost kibbud for them, are leaving there parents in financial ruins, are left emotionally financially drained, sholam bayis problem, so boys who really should not be sitting and learning are and draining there parents, in laws and there wife.If they really don’t want to learn then its really only sheker, so we know how to fix the shidduch problem, if there was a ban on lipa which the rabbonim thgought was the downfall of us, is not the same for the shidduch crisis, they should have a board of robonim in lakewood who would advise who should sit and learn and who should go to work this will end the shidduch crisis period.
i cant believe the insensitivity of levtov32!! doesnt he realize how many more singles there are available than wedding halls and nights of the week? just seeing those foolish words “there is no shidduch crisis” is enough to drive people nuts. i guess he is burying his head in the sand. 1 thing is for sure, all of his children and relatives must have had an easy time with shidduchim, because otherwise, nobody could be so closedminded.
somebody i know used to say -“if 1 person tells you that you’re drunk, you can ignore him, but if 2 people do, you’d better take a cab home! interesting how levtov32 is the only one saying there is no shidduch crisis and how the rest of the world says there is!!
You all should be called ploiderers, rather than me.
Do the math. There are more 19 year olds than 22 year olds. That’s why the schools are getting fuller by the year. The normal ages for shidduchim are 22 for the boys and 19 for the girls. If you have 5,100 girls trying to get married to 5,000 boys, 100 will remain single. It’s a tefilas shov to be mispallel that 5000 should be equal to 5100.
Anyone in shidduchim knows that boys have lists of shidduchim, while girls have trouble finding dates.
Yes, the other person’s problems are a “myth” that can be solved by bitachon while one’s own problems are true crises. Shame on all of you.
This tragedy can only be solved by a culture change, by becoming like chassidim who care about their girls just as much as their boys, who make sure to marry them off in the order of their ages regardless of gender, and therefore wind up marrying off girls to boys their age or even younger.
well said, yoma.
iluvecholent
ok maybe my number is a little far off but i was typing in near frustration, that everyone keeps on saying there is such a lack of learning boys, however if you really do your research, there are a lot. Maybe it doesn’t hit the number how many girls there are, however it is enough to start with. Just a side point, the litvish boys think they have such a variety to choose from, that they are so extremly picky-(looks, $$$, yichus..) but all of these things don’t satisfy a marrige please note; i didn’t say that it may not make a marrige a little more happier, but it’s not satisfaction-because when push comes to shove its all hevel!
regarding the idea in Madison Square Garden, it was a joke! and i don’t think it’s going to work between ‘who said what’ and I-the way he writes about himself doesn’t sound like my type. Anyways I don’t go to games, so you would have had to think of a better date.
Oh, one more thing thank you for waisting your time and counting how many boys there are in BMG, I’m sure the girls will love to know.
48, I assume by your comments on hasmada,it’s meant that you can measure how a boy will later shoulder his responsibilities in life by how seriously and responsibly he treats his learning. I can hear that but don’t fault people for wanting more to a boy.
65, I don’t think such a paradigm shift will happen. I’m nervous about attempts at social engineering. We litvish and other non-chassidim aren’t so receptive and this isn’t a negative comment, just the reality.
I appreciate NASI’s recommendation that the first four girls a boy meets should be near his age; many 23 year old girls are getting so few dates that they’re not as sophisticated in that regard as they used to be so the social imbalance is reduced somewhat. But after that attempt, age must not be the shadchan’s or parents’ primary focus.
Oh, and TVT, I’m with you. Torah is the inheritance for all and I wouldn’t say that all are resources should be marshalled towards developing the leaders only. Good on us that there are learned baalei battim, that there are mechanchim (even elemantary) who not only have educational background but years of solid learning. But we have to create a model that you used to be able to find a quarter century ago that the boys, parents, and girls, can look at with respect, if this is what it is best for their children.
#38 and #48 said it right.
Divorces now a days are a result of the secular culture seeping in to our society. just as the rest of secularism seeps in slowly, so too this. music, movies, drugs, clothing styles, books etc… the world is at an all time low morally and that is, nebach, infuencing Klal Yisroel as well. we are influenced by the society around us.
When 2 people get married they think they should live happily ever after, he/she SHOULD treat me like this or like that etc. their expectations are unrealistic. BOTH parties have to work very hard in order to have a good loving marriage. If you see someone happily married, (it may be show), but if they really are happy it is because they WORK on it and they WORK HARD. for those who work together as a team, Marriage is the most beautiful thing in the world. For those who don’t work on it, it is the worst curse! You can’t say they got married too quickly and fell in with the wrong guy (unless there is abuse or something very extreme going on).
They have to work on their Middos. that is what Marriage is about!!!! why do you think there are no married couples in hollywood that stayed married? (there may be 1 or 2, i really have no idea the exact numbers) because they married the wrong guy?? NO! because they are selfish and only care about SELF.
Let us try to look to the Torah for answers to our problems instead of all the rest of this hock about crisises.
Also the person who wrote davening won’t help because you can’t change the numbers, there are more girls then boys – – — How can you ever say such a thing??????? Hashem can do anything!!!!! He can change numbers, He can change letters, Hashem can change whatever He wants!!!!! How did all the people fit into the Beis Hamikdash? you can’t change the number of square feet can you?! but Hashem made a neis and all the people fit!!! Anyway did you ever count the number of boys?? did you ever count the number of girls? how do you know there are more girls. I think we can leave that to Hashem.
In the meantime, please continue davening for all those who need a shidduch, Yound and old and continue to suggest as many shidduchim as you are able to.
Thank you
Good Shabbos.
I believe that seminaries are responsible for the shidduch crises thats going on. They brainwash girls that they’re suppose to marry only kollel guys and “godol hadors” My daughter came back from seminary ( Im not going to mention which one but its one of the frum ones) and she didn’t even want to hear about a guy that isn’t planning on doing kollel. We know a great boy,middos,learns but he isn’t in kollel. My daughter said no to the shidduch!
These seminaries shouldn’t be instilling kollel into these girls, they should leave it up to the girl and her parents to decide. My daughter in seminary became accustomed kollel, since all her teachers were themselves in kollel since they are supported from the high tuition that we pay to send our daughters to seminary. Besides we cant afford supporting my daughter, its hard as it is ( the tuition was a big burden as of well).Furthermore, Boys go to kollel since they know that they will be supported. But not everyone can support these boys, so why are seminaries teaching girls to marry only kollel?
Even if they don’t, Seminaries also causes them to become very spiritual and the girls end up wanting kollel anyways. they cause them indirectly to .
Before the whole seminary idea there was less of a shidduch crises, girls weren’t so picky. Now more and more seminaries are opening up and the shidduch crises is growing at the same time. It became a custom to go to seminary, if a girl doesn’t go she is looked down at. Not everyone can afford $20,000, which is besides for the $500 in spending money that we had to send our daughter every month. Something has to be done about this whole issue because its just getting worse and worse!
Interesting points lgbg… sounds like you are in the purim spirit with your gorel idea. I think you may first want to explore seeing more shadchanim. May you be zoche to find this “prince” for whom you are davening. Shavua Tov!
All who think seminaries and kollel are responsible for the shidduch crises should learn from the example of my neighbor who is 72. He is still working and Baruch Hashem he looks great. He is helping support three married children and many grandchildren. He once told me that it would be very sad if one of his children had to leave the Beis Midrush for the sake of making a living. May Hashem give him koach to continue.
#71- you sent your daughter $500 spending $ every month? that is crazy! parents have to know how to say no. when it comes to sending them to seminary, that is a whole parsha in itself, since unfortunately in certain circles it does have an impact on shidduchim, so for parents to somehow come up with the money to pay for seminary, (and i do believe that the girls gain immensely, weightwise and spiritually and maturity) a parent might think of it as part of their hishtadlus towards marrying off their daughter. but what does anyone need that ammount of spending money for?!! and if she claims she does, make her work and save up money to pay for it. i bet she will need that ice coffee a little less often! i am speaking from experience- i have sent several daughters to seminary (and by the way it is $15,000 plus the flight and then getting them ready by buying everything for the yr and spending money, so it isnt quite $20,000 before the spending money), and they have never spent more than $2500 for spending money over the 10 months they are there- and that was their hard-earned money, which does cause them to think twice before using it.
alos, as to your thoughts on the shidduch crisis, halevai it should be so simple!
A few years ago Star K conducted a research to see how many Jewish boys and girls are born each year. They found out that the numbers were VERY CLOSE!!
This means that there are enough boys to marry girls…So Whats the problem??
The problem is that Boys from age 20-25 only want to marry girls of ages 18-21 Max. and thats beside the 100 item list they have of what they want in a girl.
There is absolutely nooo reason why boys cannot marry girls of their same age!!!! I know of 22 year old girls who told me that some Bochurim would not go out with them just because of their age even though the boys themselves were 23.. 24… 25 years old.
WE CAN decrease the amount of Singles if boys are to agree to date girls their age.
I am not saying this will solve the Shidduch Crises but it DEFINITELY CAN HELP!!
#70 – The gemara says that if one prays that his pregnant wife should give birth to a male, it is a tefilas shov, a useless prayer. Although Hashem can change the sex of a child, as it was in the case of Leah, he will not do so. Hashem will not make 5100 = 5000 no matter how much one davens. Instead, one should have in mind during the brocho of Chonen Hadaas that Hashem should give us the wisdom and sechel to recognize that a shidduch crisis exists and to do what’s necessary to prevent it from continuing.
76, i don’t think anyone ever counted them, so you can’t compare it to the gender of a child! maybe if we knew actual numbers of boys and girls then you can say that. maybe there are an equal amount of boys and girls, maybe there just aren’t an equal amount of “good” boys to “good” girls. but being that this is a “hidden” fact, i still say we leave this to Hashem. Each person has do their own hishtadlus. When the Gedolim come out with somethingthen we listen until then, everyone’s personal ideas of what is going to solve this are not going to help anyone.
If everyone keeps on saying that there is a shidduch ‘crisis’, instead of complaining and arguing, go home tonight or even today at lunchtime, and make a list of all the single girls you know and all the single boys you know and start matching them up!
if you know only boys than ask around if anyone knows any girls and vice versa!
Good Luck!!!
and may we here many many many more mazel tovs in klal yisrael!
If you insist on calling this a ‘crisis’ still. Then maybe instead of complaining and arguing, start setting people up. At lunchtime or tonight, take out a paper and fold it into half. On one side write all the single boys you know-with their age, and the other side write down all the single girls you know. Then start making some phone calls. You never know how many shidduchim each of you can make!
(you can do it with a friend, and you have more to work with, but start asap! don’t let it wait!)
Good Luck!!
Bracha v’hatzlocha!