Our thoughts turn somber as we count down the last few minutes until Tisha B’Av and
with all of the deaths we have experienced in recent weeks, it isn’t all that difficult to feel
the churban in our own generation. While it is convenient to compare the destruction
that we experienced centuries ago when both Batei Mikdash were destroyed to the
epidemic that is currently sweeping through our community, it seems to me that the two
situations are not at all alike.
In the churban of both the first and the second Beis Hamikdash, there were foreign
forces that swept through our land, as our enemies wielded swords and killed with no
remorse. In the plague that we are experiencing today, the forces that murder our
children come from within our own community.
Yes, it is clear that our children are dying of abuse and addiction, but those behaviors
are the symptoms of a deeper underlying problem. It pains me to be the bearer of bad
news but I firmly believe that there are two entities in our communities that our killing
our kids: our yeshivos and our parents.
Allow me to explain.
While our chinuch system has evolved in numerous positive ways over the years,
thanks in a large part to the efforts of Torah U’Mesorah, most of our yeshivos have
shifted from being community schools to businesses. Schools used to contain a healthy
mix of students of a variety of academic abilities and they all learned from and
supported each other. But today? Today schools are for-profit entities and all too many
are caught up with finances, kavod or both, leaving the weaker students to fall through
the cracks. Lacking confidence and craving positive reinforcement of any kind, many
turn to the streets in their search for something that will chase away the darkness.
But it isn’t just the schools that are the problem. Sadly, all too many parents are failing
their kids, refusing to seek the help that they know their children need because they are
afraid that it will have an adverse affect on potential shidduchim. They are so focused
on finding the “right kind” of match for their children that they completely overlook the
fact that their child is in pain and in need of serious help. Those same parents would
never think twice about taking their child to the emergency room if they were in physical
pain, but once we venture into the realm of emotional pain, everything changes. Noooo,
we can’t get help for our son or daughter. It will mess up future shidduchim for the
entire family.
Shidduchim – I hate that word. How many lives have been lost because parents have
been focused on shidduchim? More than you can possibly imagine. Far too many of
our beautiful children have been sacrificed on the altar of shidduchim, or brought as a
korban to ensure the sterling reputation of a particular mossad.
We need to face facts. Sexual abuse happens in our community. Drug abuse happens
in our community. It’s time to stop burying our heads in the sand and to get those who
are suffering the help they need.
Each of our children is a Mikdash Me’at and this year alone we have seen the Beis
Hamikdash destroyed again and again, dozens of times. So when you sit down to hear
Eichah on Tisha B’Av, and when you try to connect with the words of kinos, think of the
lights that have been extinguished. The children that will never be born. The tears that
continue to flow in rivers, not just during the time of the churban, but today as the
destruction continues unabated.
Cry for the Batei Mikdash that we lost centuries ago. Cry for the beautiful lives that
ended all too soon, both then and now. And then take those tears and put them to use.
Let us demand of our educators to do right by all of our children, even those of lesser
academic ability. And let us gather our courage and embrace our children, accepting
them for who they are, supporting them in their journey through life and getting them
help when they need it.
This Tisha B’Av I beg of you. Take a moment to put yourself in the shoes of those who
are suffering. Feel their pain. Cry for them.
And then do everything you can to prevent yet another churban from taking place,
today, tomorrow, next week or next month.
Because we can’t afford to lose any more of our precious children.
Zvi Gluck is the director of Amudim Community Resources, an organization dedicated
to helping abuse victims and those suffering with addiction within the Jewish community
and has been heavily involved in crisis intervention and management for the past 15
years. For more information go to www.amudim.org.
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3 Responses
The writer of this op-ed spends his whole life doing chessed and helping people in different ways. Does that mean that he now developed Daas Torah as well? He figured out the problems causing the churban in our generation? There are thousands of Rebbeim that are totally moiser nefesh for every single Student. But he decided without anyone’s haskamah that these are the issues causing the churban.
You can’t deny that a lot of what he says is true, and needs fixing.
It is easy to pint fingers at general, faceless entities such as all parents and all rebbeim. There are many rebbeim out there that are truly devoted to every single talmid, especially the weak and troubled ones. The mere fact that organizations such as Amudim exist is a testament to how much our rabbanim and gedolim care about every single Jew. If anything, many of our rebbeim are underpaid and underappreciated. They are doing the best they humanly could balancing large classes, keeping up with former talmidim, their own families, and figuring out how to pay the bills on their meager salaries. They aren’t “for profit businessmen”.
That being said, there are many children who fall through the cracks. Those that need psychological help don’t get it or don’t get enough of it. Those that do feel may feel that they need to hide the fact that they go to therapy in order not to be stigmatized. Now, besides for whatever emotional issues that they’re dealing with they have to deal with low self esteem at being “different” and needing to act like someone else in order to be accepted. Can we really understand how damaging it is to a child to feel that his/her “true self” cannot be accepted and they have to put on a show. Are we surprised that many of these children grow up angry at the entire klal yisrael and sometimes, chas veshalom, at the Ribbono Shel Olam.
What so many lost and broken souls need is not a blame game but warmth and love. They need to feel accepted. This is not easy. Many of these children have been so hardwired with rejection that it may take them a long time to even recognize when they are accepted. There are other challenges too. We should take this Tisha b’av not as a time to blame others but to look for those that we know that are challenged and give them a sincere smile. Recognize that they are children of Hashem even if they may no longer be religious. May we be Zocheh to see the Geula Soon.
PS: When it comes to shidduchim, etc it would benefit us to not have superficial drama stories in our publications depicting horror stories. We need a greater awareness of people that have issues or were abused who went on to be great spouses and build beautiful homes. maybe then there would be less stigma.