Forum Replies Created
-
Posts
-
Roy Rothstein was a merchant well known for not paying his suppliers. After seeing him haggling intensely with one of those very suppliers, his friend Morton said to him, ” Roy, why all the bargaining? You aren’t going to pay the guy anyway.”
Roy replied, “I like the guy. I want to keep his losses down.”
Sol Greenwood is retiring from the garment business, and leaving it to his son Stuart.
“It’s all yours now son,” Sol says. “I’ve made a good living. You know why? Because of two principles that I’ve always lived by: honestly and wisdom. Honesty is very important. If you promise the goods by the first of April, no matter what happens in the shop you’ve got to deliver them by the first of April.”
“Sure Pop,” Stuart says. “And what about wisdom?”
“Stuey the wisest thing you can do: don’t make any promises.”
A dry goods merchant from Lublin orders a consignment of goods from Warsaw. Instead of the goods however, he received a cable:
“Sorry, cannot fill order until previous order is paid for.”
Regretfully, the merchant wires back: “Please cancel order. Can’t wait that long.”
A rabbi and a priest are driving one day and, by a freak accident, have a head-on collision. Both cars are totally demolished, but amazingly, neither of the clerics has a scratch on him.
After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest’s collar and says, “So you’re a priest. I’m a rabbi. Just look at our cars. There is nothing left, yet we are here, unhurt. This must be a sign from God!”
Pointing to the sky, the rabbi continues, “God must have meant that we should meet and share our lives in peace and friendship for the rest of our days on earth.”
The priest replies, “I agree with you completely. This must surely be a sign from God!”
The rabbi is looking at his car and exclaims, “And look at this! Here’s another miracle! My car is completely demolished, but this bottle of Mogen David wine did not break. Surely, God wants us to drink this wine and to celebrate our good fortune.”
The priest nods in agreement.
The rabbi hands the bottle to the priest, who drinks half the bottle and hands the bottle back to the rabbi.
The rabbi takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap on, then hands it back to the priest. The priest, baffled, asks, “Aren’t you having any, Rabbi?”
The rabbi replies, “Nah… I think I’ll wait for the police.”
After a long life, and a tumultuous marriage, Stan Herman dies and arrives at the Gates of Heaven, where he sees a huge wall of clocks behind him.
He asks an angel, “What are all those clocks?”
The angel answers, “Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move.”
“Oh,” says Herman, “whose clock is that?”
“That’s Moses’ clock. The hands have never moved, indicating that he never told a lie.”
“Incredible,” says Herman. “And whose clock is that one?”
The angel responds, “That’s Abraham Lincoln’s clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life.”
“So where’s my clock?” asks Herman.
“Your clock is in God’s office. He’s using it as a ceiling fan.”
A pauper used to visit the famous Jewish philanthropist Baron Rothschild every month with his brother, and each would be given 50 pounds. The brother died and the following month the pauper came alone. Upon seeing him, Rothschild’s secretary handed the man 50 pounds.
“Just a minute,” protested the pauper. “I’m entitled to a hundred pounds.”
“But your brother is dead,” replied the secretary. “His handout was cancelled.”
“What do you mean cancelled?” asked the pauper angrily. “Am I my brother’s heir or is Rothschild?!”
^
^
^
^
^
^
^
^
^
^
^
The rabbi was distressed at the lack of generosity among his congregants, and he prayed that the rich should give more charity to the poor.
“And has your prayer been answered?” asked his wife.
“Half of it was,” replied the rabbi. “The poor are willing to accept.”
^
^
^
^
^
^
^
^
^
^
^
^
^
The captain of a Syrian Air Force transport flying over the Mediterranean sends out a MAYDAY message:
“This is Syrian Air Force # 174 announcing we have lost one engine and want to land at any airport in the Middle East other than Israel!”
No answer.
A while later he announces, “This is Syrian Air Force # 174 again. We have now lost two engines and need to land at any airport in the Middle East other than Israel!”
Silence.
A short while later the captain announces, “This is Syrian Air Force #174. We are desperate. We have now lost THREE engines an urgently ask permission to land at any airport in the Middle East other than Israel!”
Still no answer.
Finally the captain calls out, “Help! This is Syrian Air Force #174. We have only one engine left and it is rapidly failing. Unless we can land we are going to crash. We need permission to land at ANY airport in the Middle East INCLUDING Israel!”
Shortly thereafter, a voice is heard in the Syrian cockpit: “Shalom Syrian Air Force # 174. This is Tel Aviv approach control. We would like to help.”
“Allah is praised,” says the Syrian pilot. “Please give me instructions.”
“Do you speak Hebrew?”
“No”
“OK, then please repeat after me: Yitgadal Viyitkadash Shimay Rabbah…..”
The pauper devours everything he is given except the black bread. “The challah was wonderful,” he says. “Do you have any more?”
“My dear man,” says Mrs. Epstein, “we have plenty of black bread, but challah is very expensive.”
“I know,” says the pauper. “But believe me lady, it’s worth it!”
An old Jew lives in an apartment building in an otherwise Catholic neighborhood where all adhere to the restriction of eating only fish on Fridays. Every Friday afternoon, however, the Jew bakes chicken for his Shabbos meal.
The tantalizing aroma week after week is too much for his Catholic neighbors. They convince the local priest to deliver an ultimatum to the Jew: either he convert to Catholicism and eat only fish on Fridays, or he has to move. The Jew agrees to convert. Three times the priest sprinkles holy water on him declaring: “Born a Jew, raised a Jew, now a Catholic.”
The ex-Jew’s first Friday night as a Catholic comes around — and the perfume of baking chicken wafts through the neighborhood. A neighborhood mob charges into the old man’s apartment demanding,
“What’s with the chicken? You’re a Catholic now!”
He says, pointing to the roaster on the table, “That’s no chicken; that’s a fish.”
“Who are you kidding!” they protest. “It’s a chicken!”
The ex-Jew walks over to the sink, wets his hands, approaches the table and sprinkles the chicken three times, saying, “Born a chicken, raised a chicken, now a fish!”
The afternoon was drawing to a close, and the guests were getting ready to leave.
“Mrs. Goldberg,” said one of the ladies. “I just wanted to tell you that your cookies were so delicious I ate four of them.”
“You ate five,” responded Mrs. Goldberg. “But who’s counting?”
A Chinese businessman operating out of south China suffers a string of robberies. He calls up his associate in Israel and asks him if he ever had a problem with robberies.
“Not really,” replies the Israeli. “We have this thing we put on the doorpost called a mezuzah and it protects our homes from harm.”
“Send me one,” begs the Chinese guy, “I’m desperate for a solution.”
A few weeks later, the Israeli gets his mezuzah back in the mail. He calls up his Chinese friend. “Nu,” he asks him. “The mezuzah didn’t work? You were robbed again?”
“No, no,” the Chinese guy assures him, “no robberies.”
“So why did you send it back?”
The Chinese guy sighs. “I dunno,” he says. “Ever since I hung it up, the doorbell doesn’t stop ringing. Each time a different man standing there, saying the same thing: ‘Tzedakah please!'”
Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Florida, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in. Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: “Are you the owner?”
The pharmacist answers, “Yes.”
Jacob: “We’re about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?”
Pharmacist: “Of course we do.”
Jacob: “How about medicine for circulation?”
Pharmacist: “All kinds.”
Jacob: “Medicine for rheumatism and scoliosis?”
Pharmacist: “Definitely.”
Jacob: “Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?”
Pharmacist: “Yes, a large variety. The works.”
Jacob: “What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson’s disease?”
Pharmacist: “Absolutely.”
Jacob: “You sell wheelchairs and walkers?”
Pharmacist: “All speeds and sizes.”
Jacob: “We’d like to use this store as our Bridal Registry.”
A Jewish man walked into a bank in New York City one day and asked for the loan officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Israel on business for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000. The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan.
The Jewish man handed over the keys to a new Ferrari parked on the street in front of the bank. He produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to accept the car as collateral for the loan.
The bank’s president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Jewish man for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral against a $5,000 loan.
An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank’s underground garage and parked it there.
Two weeks later, the Jewish man returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest, which came to $15.41.
The loan officer said, “Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?”
The Jewish man replied: “Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?”
One afternoon Max comes home from work to0 find total mayhem. His two young children are in the front garden, soaking wet and playing with the garden hose. There is food all over the lawn, garbage spilled everywhere and some of their plants have been pulled up and are lying on the sidewalk.
As Max enters his house, he finds an even bigger mess. The tables are lying on their sides, all the vases have been knocked over and wet flowers are on the floor, the armchair cushions are lying on the ground and the carpet is stained where one of the children was sick. The children’s room is strewn inches deep with toys and clothes.
Max goes into the kitchen and finds the sink full of unwashed dishes from the morning’s breakfast, none of the food has been cleared, the fridge door is wide open and there’s food on the floor.
He’s worried now and heads up the stairs to look for his wife Fay. He has to step over yet more toys and piles of clothes. He’s worried Fay might be ill, or even worse.
As Max passes the bathroom, water is trickling under the door and into the hall. So he peers inside and sees wet towels, spilt bath oils, his shaver lying on the floor and toothpaste smeared everywhere. He turns off the bath tap and rushes to his bedroom. There he finds Fay.
She’s curled up in bed, still in her pyjamas and reading a book. She smiles at him and says, “How did your day go, darling?”
Max looks at her bewildered and asks, “What happened here today, Fay?”
She again smiles, “You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world did I do today?”
“Yes,” he replies.
“Well,” says Fay, “today I didn’t do it.”
On their way to work every morning, Zalman and Kalman walk by a church. One day Zalman points to an enormous sign on the church entrance that says, “A Half Million Dollars to Any Jew who Converts to Christianity.”
One Friday morning, Kalman says, “I’ve been thinking about it. It is a pretty good deal. I want to take them up on it.”
The next Monday morning on their walk to work, Zalman says to Kalman, “So nu? Did you get the half million dollars?”
Kalman looks at Zalman and says, “You people! All you think about is money!”
The rabbi’s sermon went on and on about how important it was to forgive people and reach out to them so as not to make enemies.
“Is there anyone in this synagogue who can honestly say they have no enemies?” asked the rabbi.
Not a hand went up. But a few moments later, a very elderly lady in the back row raised her frail little hand.
“Please, come up and tell us what you have done over all these years that you can be so confident you have no enemies,” asked the rabbi.
Dutifully the old woman limped up to the front of the synagogue where she explained, “I outlived ’em all.”
A funeral procession was moving slowly down a narrow street on the Lower East Side of New York. Their route took them past the offices of the last Yiddish Newspaper left in the city.
One of the editors saw the funeral procession and called to his colleague, “Hey Mottel, print one less!”
A Yiddish speaking newcomer to American took his pregnant wife to the hospital, but during the delivery, when he found out they were twins, he fainted. He didn’t come to for a few days so his brother was brought in to help name the children.
“My brother named my kids?!” he exclaimed when he woke up. “But my brother is illiterate. And he can’t even speak any English. Oiy, so what did he name the girl?”
“He named her Denise.”
“Denise? Well, that’s not such a bad name. I kind of like it. And what did he call the little boy?”
“De Nephew.”
The Cohen family was on good terms with their Catholic neighbors, the O’Brian’s. In fact, little Yainkele Cohen and Chris O’Brian from next door would play together from time to time. Or at least they used to.
Well, one late December’s day, Tim O’Brian, the non-Jewish father, came storming in to the Cohen’s house holding poor Yainkel by the ear. “Your son is not going near my Chris again; he just has no respect for us and our religion!”
“What’s the matter; what did he do?” inquired Mr. Cohen.
“I’ll tell you” said Tim in a rage. “He saw our Christmas tree and started making fun.”
“He did?” said Mr. Cohen. “What did he say?”
“He saw our tree and started asking all sorts of ridiculous questions – which kinds of pine trees can be used for a Christmas tree? What’s the minimum required height? How close to the window does it need to be? Do too many decorations render it unfit? What if it’s under a neighbor’s balcony?!”
zahavasdad: I don’t know where you live, but it seems you’re slightly ignorant of the different Chassidic dynasties that exsist today. Just because Bobov and Klausenberg share ancestors does’nt mean that today, 100+ years ahead they are considered one chassidus. Most definitly not. Ask any Bobov or Klausenberg chossid. By your reasoning Skvere and Rachmistrivka should also be considered one chassidus. Also Boyan and Skvere shoud be considered one as they both come from Chernobyl – ridiculous.
shein: Ger is definitly larger chassidus than both Bobov’s [worldwide] Also Belz for sure is at least as large [if not larger] than all three vishnitz’s. Munkatch chassidus is not even on the map today. I doubt they have more than a hundred families of chassidim. Boyan, Stolin, Rachmistrivka etc, are much much bigger.
Walking through San Francisco’s Chinatown, a tourist from the Midwest was enjoying the artistry of all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners when he turned a corner and saw a building with the sign “Moishe Plotnik’s Laundry.” “Moishe Plotnik?” he wondered. “How does that belong in Chinatown?”
He walked into the shop and saw a fairly standard looking drycleaner, although he could see that the proprietors were clearly aware of the uniqueness of the store name as there were baseball hats, T-shirts and coffee mugs emblazoned with the logo “Moishe Plotnik’s Chinese Laundry.” The tourist selected a coffee cup as a conversation piece to take back to his office. Behind the counter was a smiling old Chinese gentleman who thanked him for his purchase. The tourist asked, “Can you explain how this place got a name like ‘Moishe Plotnik’s Laundry?’
The old man answered, “Ah…Evleebody ask me that. It name of owner.”
Looking around, the tourist asked, “Is he here?”
“It me,” replies the old man.
“Really? You’re Chinese. How did you ever get a name like Moishe Plotnik?”
“Is simple”, said the old man. Many, many year ago I come to this country. I standing in line at ‘Documentation Center of Immigration.’ Man in front of me was Jewish man from Poland. Lady at counter look at him and say, “What your name?”
He say, “Moishe Plotnik.”
Then she look at me and say, “What your name?”
I say, “Sam Ting.”
A Catholic priest, a Protestant minister, and a rabbi are discussing what they would like people to say after they die and their bodies are on display in open caskets.
Priest: I would like someone to say “He was a righteous man, an honest man, and very generous.”
Minister: I would like someone to say “He was very kind and fair, and he was very good to his parishioners.”
Rabbi: I would want someone to say “Look, he’s moving.”
A Chassid comes to see his Rabbi: “Rebbe, I had a dream that I was the leader of 300 Chassidim. What should I do?”
The Rabbi replies, “Come back when three hundred Chassidim have a dream that you are their leader.”
An old Jewish man goes to see one of New York’s top medical specialists.
“How much do I owe you doctor?” he asks.
“My fee is $5000.”
“$5000!” the man exclaims. “That’s impossible.”
“Fine, in your case,” the doctor replies, “I suppose I could make it 3000.”
“3000? Ridiculous.”
“Well can you afford 1000?”
“A thousand dollars? Who has that kind of money?”
Frustrated, the doctor says, “Just give me $800 and we’ll be done with it.”
“I don’t understand you,” says the doctor. “Why did you come to one of the most expensive doctors in New York City if you didn’t have any money?”
“Listen doctor,” says the patient. “When it comes to my health, nothing is too expensive.”
A very old couple comes to the rabbi to get divorced. As tactfully as possible, the rabbi asks the man how old he is.
“103,” he replies.
“And you?” the rabbi asks the wife.
“94,” she says.
“And how long have you been married?”
“75 years,” they say in unison.
“I don’t get it,” says the rabbi. “After 75 years all of a sudden you decide to get a divorce?”
“It’s is not all of a sudden,” they reply. “We wanted to get divorced almost 70 years ago, but we decided to wait for the children to die.”
An old Jewish woman, on her 80th birthday, decides to prepare her last will and testament. She goes to the rabbi to show it to him and to ask him for advice on a few points, chief amongst them is her request that she not be buried in a Jewish cemetery.
“But why Mrs. Epstein?” the rabbi asks. “You don’t want to be buried with the rest of our people?”
“No,” Mrs. Epstein said resolutely. “I want to be buried at Bloomingdales.”
“Bloomingdales?!” the rabbi said in disbelief.
“Yes. Then I’ll be sure that my daughters will visit me at least twice a week!”
Mendel, a popular waiter at Yitz’s Delicatessen, passes away, and some of his customers decide to go to a spiritualist who says that he can contact Mendel in the afterlife.
“Just knock on the table as you did when he was with you,” says the medium, “and he will appear again.”
There is much knocking, but no sign of Mendel. The group bangs louder and louder, and finally they begin to call his name, louder and louder. Then, Mendel appears, with a cloth over his arm.
“What happened, Mendel?” says one in the group. “Why didn’t you come when we first knocked?”
“It wasn’t my table,” says Mendel.
Two women meet on the street.
“Molly, I understand you have a mazal tov coming to you.”
“Oh yes — my daughter is getting married.”
“Isn’t that wonderful! And who’s the lucky man?”
“David is the chief surgical resident at Cedars-Sinai Hospital.”
“That’s wonderful. But wait — I thought he was a professor.”
“Oh no, that was her previous husband — a law professor at Yale.”
“My goodness, that’s really something. Then why do I seem to remember a psychiatrist?”
“You must be thinking of Saul, her first husband.”
“Oh Molly, you’re a lucky women. Imagine, having so much naches, from just one daughter!”
Three men are in the maternity waiting room at Hadassah Hospital in Israel. A doctor comes in and says to the first man, “Mazel Tov, your wife just gave birth to quadruplets!”
The man replied, “Wow, what a coincidence, I live in Kiryat Arbah and arba is four.”
Another doctor comes in and says to the second man, “Mazel Tov! Your wife just gave birth to septuplets.”
The second man replies, “I can’t believe it. What a coincidence — I live in Be’er Sheva, sheva is seven.”
Just then, the third man faints and thuds onto the floor. The others rush over to him and one of the doctors is able to revive him. “Sir” he says, “what happened? Are you alright?”
The man looks at the doctor and smiles weakly, “I live in Meah Shearim. The neighborhood of a hundred gates!”
Young Sarah Feldman came home very sad from a date. She told her mother, “David proposed to me an hour ago.”
“Mazal tov! But why are you so sad?” her mother asked.
So the taxi driver promptly took them to the Income Tax Authority building.
Little Itzik Goldshmit from Kibbutz Kfar Giladi in Israel was visiting his American cousin who lived in Florida. One day a farmer was driving along the road with a load of fertilizer. Itzik saw him and asked, “What do you have in your truck?”
“Fertilizer,” the farmer replied.
“What are you going to do with it?” asked little Itzik.
“Put it on strawberries,” answered the farmer.
“Back in my kibbutz,” Itzik advised, “We put sugar and cream on ours.”
^
^
^
^
^
^
^
^
^
Dave and Mike, both in their 90’s, had played professional baseball together and, after they retired, had remained close friends. Dave suddenly fell deathly ill. Mike visited Dave on his deathbed. After they talked a while and it became obvious that Dave had only a few more minutes to live, Mike said, “Listen old friend. After you die, try and get a message back to me. I want to know if there’s baseball in heaven.”
With his dying breath, Dave whispers, “If God permits, I’ll do my best to get you an answer.”
A few days after Dave died, Mike is sleeping when he hears Dave’s voice.
Dave says, “Mike, I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is, yes, there IS baseball in heaven. The bad news is, you’re scheduled to pitch the top half of tomorrow’s double-header.”
^
^
^
^
^
^
^
^
^
^Molly and Morris, both 97, live in the Boca Villa in Miami, Florida.
“What! More money yet?” says his father. “What do you think you need money for this time?”
“I need to buy an Italian made pin-stripe suit for my interviews,” replies Moshe.
“And how much is that Italian suit going to cost me?” asks his father.
“If I had to guess, $1500 at least” replies Moshe.
“That’s exactly why I need a good quality suit dad,” replies Moshe. “I need to make sure that I will never have to drive a $1500 car.”
Sadie Cohen lived in a diverse neighborhood on Long Island.
Her neighbor was a very generous African American woman named Louise Jackson who stopped in one Saturday and asked, “Mrs. Cohen, I have to go into the City this afternoon to meet my daughter; can I get you anything?”
Mrs. Cohen thanked her and exclaimed, “Listen, I have a commuter ticket for the train that I don’t use on Saturday. Why don’t you use my ticket and you’ll bring it back tonight. After all, it’s all paid for. Why should you pay extra?”
The neighbor thanked her, and later got on the train. As the conductor came through the train, he happened to glance at the ticket and noticed the name “Sadie Cohen”.
“Excuse me madam, are you Sadie Cohen, the person whose name appears on this ticket?”
Louise smiled sweetly and shook her head affirmatively. A little suspicious, the conductor asked, “Would you let me compare signatures — would you please sign your name?”
Louise Jackson turned indignantly and snapped, “Man, are you crazy? You want me to write on Shabbos?”
“Oy, doctor, have I got a problem,” says Shimon. “Every night, when I get into my bed, I think there’s a crazy person under it ready to do me some serious harm. I’m going meshugga with fear. Please help me.”
“So how long will it take, doctor?” asks Shimon.
“And how much do you charge per session, doctor?” asks Shimon.
Many months later, Shimon meets Dr. Bloom at the supermarket. “So why didn’t you decide to let me cure you of your fears?” asks Dr. Bloom.
“So how, may I ask, did your rabbi cure you?” asks Dr. Bloom.
Rabbi Epstein is new in town and is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. But the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach.
^
^
^
^Rivkah sprang to the telephone when it rang and listened with relief to the kindly voice in her ear. “How are you, darling?” she said. “What kind of a day are you having?”
“Oh, mother,” said Rivka, breaking into bitter tears, “I’ve had such a bad day. Baby Levi won’t eat and the washing machine broke down. I haven’t had a chance to go shopping for Shabbos, and besides, I’ve just sprained my ankle and I have to hobble around. On top of that, the house is a mess and I’m supposed to have two couples for Shabbos dinner this week.”
The mother was shocked and was at once all sympathy. “Oh, darling,” she said, “sit down, relax, and close your eyes. I’ll be over in half an hour. I’ll do your shopping, clean up the house, and cook Shabbos for you. I’ll feed the baby and I’ll call a repairman I know who’ll be at your house to fix the washing machine promptly. Now stop crying. I’ll do everything. In fact, I’ll even call David at the office and tell him he ought to come home and help out for once.”
“David?” said Rivkah. “Who’s David?”
“No, this is 223-1375.”
“Oh, I’m sorry. I guess I have the wrong number.”
There was a short pause and Rivkah said, “Does this mean you’re not coming over?”
^
^
^
^
^
“Waiter,” he says, pointing to their plates, “be honest with me, these pieces of fish are from cans aren’t they?”
“From cans, sir?” says the waiter, indignantly. “They’re not from cans. They came directly from Alaska.”
Rochel pipes up, “But were they exported or deported?!!”
^
^
^
“Now I have good news and bad news for you,” the Rabbi continues. “The good news is that we have the money to repair it; the bad news is that the money is in your pockets.”
^
^
^
^
Rabbi Shmuel dies and is now standing in a line of people waiting to find out whether they are going to heaven – a line containing, among others, the righteous, academics, religious leaders, and the virtuous. As Rabbi Shmuel looks around, he sees an angel bowing and speaking reverently to a rather rough looking man. The angel then leads this man to the front of the line.
Rabbi Shmuel is very surprised by this action. “How odd,” he says to himself. “It seems that this ordinary looking man is going to get precedence over all of us here. Who can this man be?”
The angel notices the look of surprise on Rabbi Shmuel’s face and so goes over to him and says, “I know it looks a bit odd, rabbi, but this man is a taxi driver.”
“But if that is all, why does it make him a special person?” asks Rabbi Shmuel.
“Let me explain, rabbi,” replies the angel. “It’s simple really. We obviously realise up here that in your lifetime, you have influenced quite a lot of people and explained to them why they should believe in Hashem. But the thousands of people who have travelled in this man’s taxi immediately began to pray with 100% total sincerity.”
Hello and thank you for calling the Jewish Grandparent Hotline. If you are one of our children, press 1
If you need us to stay with the grandchildren, press 2
If you want the grandchildren to sleep at our house tonight, press 3
If you want us to pick up the kids at school, press 4
If you want us to prepare a meal for Shabbos and have it delivered to your home, press 5
If you want to come here for Shabbos, press 6
If you need money, press 7
If you are going to invite us to dinner, or are sending us on a cruise for our anniversary start talking!!
^
^
^
^
The Israelis are developing an airport security device that eliminates the privacy concerns that come with full-body scanners at the airports. They have a booth that you can step into that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have on you.
They see this as a win-win for everyone and there would be none of this junk about racial profiling. This method would also eliminate the costs of a long and expensive trial. Justice would be quick and swift.
Case Closed!
You’re in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion. Shortly thereafter, an announcement comes over the PA system…
“Attention standby passengers – we now have a seat available on El Al flight number 386.
^
^
^
^
Rachel decides to do some shopping at and manages to persuade her husband Moishe to join her. After 2 hours of looking around one women’s clothes store after another, Rachel suddenly realises that Moishe is no longer with her. So she calls him on his cell phone to see ‘what’s what.’
“So where are you?” she angrily asks Moishe. “I thought we were shopping together.”
“Don’t get broyges, darling,” replies Moishe. “Do you remember the jewellery shop by the escalator in the middle of the mall, the one we spent time in last year and where we saw a lovely gold necklace for you but which was just a little bit too expensive for us to buy and where I said I would get it for you one day?”
“Yes, of course I do, darling” replies Rachel excitedly. “Why do you ask?”
“Well I’m in the Cafe next door to that jewellery store eating an ice cream.”
^
^
^
^
A Swiss tourist is traveling through Chelm and looking for directions, he pulls up at a bus stop where Chaim and Yankel are waiting. “Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?” he asks.
Chaim and Yankel just stare at him.
“Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?” he tries. The two continue to stare. “Parlare Italiano?” No response. “Hablan ustedes Espanol?” Still nothing.
The Swiss tourist finally drives off, frustrated. Chaim turns to Yankel and says, “You know, maybe we should learn a foreign language.”
“Why?” says Yankel. “That guy knew four languages, and it didn’t do him any good!”
“I know all that.”
“Then why did you invite a friend for supper? Now I have to get to start cleaning and cooking. “
^
^
^
^
Moishie thinks about this, and then says, “Well then why is the groom wearing black?”
^
^
^
^
One Sunday, two separate wedding ceremonies take place at the Beth Israel shul. First of all, Chaim gets married to Rivkah, and then later in the afternoon, Aaron gets married to Hannah. So, you might ask, did both their marriages start on a positive note?
Well, on his first day of married life, Chaim says to Rivkah, “You’ll always have to do all the house cleaning, all the cooking, and all the washing and drying of the dishes on your own. That’s what my mother always did, and that’s what I will expect you to do from now onwards. And I’ll try to help you whenever I can.”
On his second day of married life, Chaim decided to roll up his sleeves and help so he found that together they were able to finish the housework.
So what about Aaron and Hannah?
Well, on their first day of married life, Aaron said to Hannah, “You’ll have to do all the house cleaning, all the washing and drying the dishes, all the shopping, and all the cooking on your own. You’ll also have to have my dinner ready on the table the minute I arrive back from work. And once a month, you’ll also have to mow the lawn and clean the outside of the windows. That’s what my mother always did, and that’s what I will expect you to do from now onwards. And don’t expect much help from me – I’ll be too busy doing my own things.”
Three young boys were walking on the sidewalk arguing over whose Daddy was the greatest.
David said, “My Dad is the greatest because he is rich stock broker on Wall Street.”
^
^
^
^
A Jewish woman wants to take her dog to Israel, so she goes to the travel agent to find out how. He says, “It’s easy. You go to the airline, they give you a kennel, you put your dog in it, when you get off at Tel Aviv go to the luggage rack, and there’s your dog.
So she does, gets off at Tel Aviv, goes to the luggage rack, no dog. She goes to the lost and found, says, “Where’s my dog?” They look all over the airport for it, and find the dog in another terminal. Only the dog is dead.
“Oh, my gosh, they say, we killed this woman’s dog. What are we going to do?”
Then one says, “Wait a minute, it’s a cocker spaniel. They’re common dogs.
There’s a pet shop across the street from the airport. We’ll get the same size, shape, color, sex. She’ll never know the difference.”
They bring the woman the other dog but she says, “That’s not my dog.” Laughingly and making light of it they say, “What do you mean that’s not your dog?”
To which she responds, “My dog’s dead. I was taking it to Israel to bury it.”
Moishe Goldberg was on his death bed and asked Rabbi Solomon to come and visit him.
The dying man said nothing so Rabbi Solomon repeated his order.
Still Goldberg said nothing.
Rabbi Solomon asked, “Why do you refuse to denounce Satan and your evil inclination?”
Moishe Goldberg said, “Until I know where I’m heading, I don’t think I ought to aggravate anybody.”
^
^
^
An Arab was walking through the Sahara desert, desperate for water, when he saw something, far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he walked towards the image, only to find Hymie sitting at a card table with a bunch of ties laid out on it.
The Arab asked “Please, I’m dying of thirst, can I have some water?”.
Hymie replied “I don’t have any water, but why don’t you buy a tie? Here’s one that goes nicely with your robes.”
The Arab replied, “I don’t want a tie, I need water.”
“OK, don’t buy a tie. But to show you what a nice guy I am, I’ll tell you that over that hill there, about 4 miles, is a nice restaurant. Walk that way, they’ll give you all the water you want.”
The Arab thanked him and walked away towards the hill and eventually disappeared. Three hours later the Arab came crawling back to where Hymie was sitting behind his card table.
Hymie said “I told you, about 4 miles over that hill. Couldn’t you find it?”
The Arab rasped, “I found it all right. But they wouldn’t let me in without a tie.”
^
^
^
^
A man is laying on the operating table, about to be
operated on by his son, the surgeon.
The father says, “Son, think of it this way…If anything happens to me, your mother is coming to live with you.”
^
^
^
As the storm raged, the captain realized his ship was sinking fast. He called out, “Anyone here know how to pray?”
One man stepped forward. “Aye, Captain, I know how to pray.”
“Good,” said the captain, “you pray while the rest of us put on our life jackets – we’re one short.”
Iranian president Mahmud Ahmadinejad calls President Bush and tells him, “George, I had a wonderful dream last night. I could see America, the whole beautiful country, and on each house I saw a banner.”
“What did it say on the banners?” Bush asks. Mahmud replies, “UNITED STATES OF IRAN.”
Bush says, “You know, Mahmud, I am really happy you called, because believe it or not, last night I had a similar dream. I could see all of Tehran, and it was more beautiful than ever, and on each house flew an enormous banner.”
“What did it say on the banners?” Mahmud asks.
Bush replies, “I don’t know. I can’t read Hebrew.”
Three sons left home, went out into the business world and all prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.
The first said, “I built a big house for our mother.” The second said, “I sent her a Lexus with a driver.” The third smiled and said, “I’ve got you both beat. You know how much Mom enjoys reading the Bible? And you know she can’t see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took the Shammes in the shul 12 years to teach him. He’s one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it.”
Soon thereafter, mom sent out her letters of thanks:
“Milton,” she wrote one son, “The house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house.”
“Gerald,” she wrote to another, “I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!”
“Dearest Donald,” she wrote to her third son, “You have the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was absolutely delicious!”
In front of a church in Mexico City sat two beggars. The one closest to the door was bearded, and had a cup with a large Star of David. Next to him sat a clean-shaven man, holding a cup with a large cross on it.
Services over, the congregants began streaming out. The first man to leave looked at the bearded beggar with disgust, then, with an exaggerated motion, dropped a 100-peso note into the second beggar’s crossed receptacle. The second person, equally irate, brushed by the bearded beggar to drop a 50-peso note into the next cup. And so it went for ten minutes.
Finally, a compassionate young priest, who had been watching from the wings, approached the bearded man with the empty cup. “Sir,” he said, “Why don’t you get a cup with a cross on it, like the fellow next to you? Look how much money he’s getting just by having a cross on his cup!”
Whereupon the bearded beggar turned to his companion and said, “Yossele, look who’s telling us how to do our business!”
A man named Moishe goes to a rabbi and complains about all the problems he has in his life: his wife, his children, his work and everything else he can think of. Every week he goes to the rabbi and every week the list gets longer. And every week the rabbi always listens quietly and doesn’t say a word. Until one week, the rabbi finally says to Moishe, “Why don’t you convert?”
Moishe, shocked that the rabbi would suggest something so scandalous asks, “How will that solve my problems?”
The rabbi answers, “It won’t, but it will solve mine.”
A Gabbai approaches a guest in the shul and says, “I want to give you an Aliyah. What is your name?”
The man answers, “Esther bas Moshe.”
The Gabbai says, “No, I need your name.”
“It’s Esther bas Moshe,” the man says.
“How can that be your name?”
The man answers, “I’ve been having serious financial problems, so everything is in my wife’s name.”
avhaben: There are dozens of third party esco’s. Some are cheaper, most are more expensive. Many have various different gimmicks to get customers. [BTW I am aware of at least another three electric companies that use the MLM model.] So your question do you save or pay more if you switch to Ambit? It depends who your current esco is. If someone is with ConEd Directly – then there is definite savings.
Poppa wrote “The catch is that it isn’t cheaper, after the delivery fees which the electricity company gets to charge you even if you are using ambit.”
I have compared numerous bills to check if they are cheaper. Did you compare actual bills?
“The simplest proof to a scam, is that if it was really a profitable way to make money, it would be run like a regular business.”
For Ambit Energy to reach a large segment of the market share they would need many salespeople. By paying people to refer others they reach a large amount of the population in a relatively short amount of time who join through refferals.
Because a business is run in an unconventional manner it doesnt make it a scam.
There. I approved your posts.
But, it stands. We believe that Ambit energy is gezel. Get a real job or sit and learn, but don’t be mevatel Torah to scam others.
2Scents wrote-“First please explain, how come does one make back the money by signing up an additional 12 people? I thought that Ambit is here to save money.”
Ambit will save you money as a consumer of electricity. You will save about 10% of your supply charges (electricity used).
If you refer 15 customers to Ambit, Ambit will send you a check for their average electricty payments every month.
If you want to take this a step further and actually make money, then you sign up as a consultant and pay a fee. You then refer other people and that is where the MLM comes about.
About your other point, that person must have done some other shtick to warrant that. I dont know any details to comment.
HaQer: “Same here, Ambit tells you that you use energy anyway, so you aren’t paying any more than you would have. And of course, their energy is better for whatever reason. And you will make money.”
As far as paying more money as a customer, If you live in NY or NJ then there is a good chance that someone you know is a customer. Simply compare a bill from someone that uses ConEdison as their esco [supplier] to someone that uses Ambit. DON’T trust me! Find out, Verify if what what I claim is true, doing your own research. [google-ing is’nt called research,] Compare two actual bills and decide.
HaQer: “In all of these programs they get you to pay money upfront for “something” that they claim you need. Often this “something” is something that they will say you use already in some way. Such as water. The Kangen water people will try to convince you that not only is Kangen water much healthier than regular water, and that regular water is very unhealthy for you, but they will tell you that you spend thousands of dollars per year on bottled water anyway so why not spend $2000 upfront and you will save lot’s of money in the long run. (Then they tell you that you will actually make that $2k back).”
The simple difference between Ambit energy and Kangen water [and most of the other MLM’s] is that everyone uses electric, – that is if you happen to pay a monthly electric bill – then around 40-50 percent of your charges is for the supply that you use. So it doesnt make a difference if you use ConEdison for your supply and delivery or you use another esco, you will ALWAYS pay for your consumption. [By the way -for those that don’t know, the bill will still come from ConEd and delivery charges will remain by ConEd, it can’t be changed. You will just get a additional page with the supply charges from Ambit.]
Now as far as water filters, many people have a filter on the tap which you can buy at your local hardware store for about $15. I don’t know anything about expensive water filters, but most people don’t have them as opposed to electric as explained above. Same thing with all other products, it’s not a neccesity.
Dear Mods: Did you do ANY research on Ambit Energy? If you think this is a scam then close this thread, but it’s ethical that you allow all opinions under the sun but you dont allow other opionions other than your personal predijuce regarding a discussion o MLM’s.
There are used car salesmen who would rip you off when they have the opportunity and there are honest used car salesmen. The Same with MLM’s. Dont compare one to another if you didnt thoroghly research it. So keep your personal views out of it. If you dont want to do it -fine. It’s not for everyone.
I personally know of a few people who make a living through it. Most however dont more than a couple hundred dollars a month doing it. Yes, there are people who lost money. But the people that lost money didnt try to work. I don’t know of ANYONE that tried to consistently work this business part time [3-5 hours a week]for at least two months and lose out. Nintey eight percent of people who aren’t successful in this business is that they stop after 3-4 weeks.
Bottom Line: Don’t join before you tried to get at least some customers. Also this is NOT a get rich-quick scheme. those who are successful are those that work – just like in any other business. Again if you are thinking of joining, speak to people that have tried it – for at least two months.
I am involved with Ambit Energy for about six months and have made some money with them. I work it very part time. No one that I brought into lost money with them.
They have a advantage over other MLM’s that they sell a service [electricity] – not a product.
It doesnt cost anyone a penny to become their customer -[you just use them as your electricity supplier]It can be proved after a few months of use if their rates are cheaper – [simply compare someone’s bill who uses Ambit to someone who doesn’t]
If someone is interested in joining as a consultant then a good idea before investing $$$, they should do the following: Try to get 10-15 customers. -[which as mentioned doesnt cost them anything]If you could do that then it’s worth a try, because by bringing 15 customers you would earn most of your investment back.
I would appreciate it if the MODS are impartial, and let this post go through. It’s OK to hear a different opinion.
Ok, we think it is a scam but we will let your post through anyway. Let’s see what others have to say about it.
I Flew with them from Israel to New York [one-way] with a stop in Instanbul about two months after the ‘Mavi Marmara’ incident. Since I traveled with a couple kids the savings was substantial. However I was treated differently than other travelers by passport control. They kept me waiting extra without giving me a reason. After about twenty minutes later they let me go.
I got a lot of stares from the people at the airport and it was’nt very comfortable. I don’t know if there is a safety issue, but I would’nt travel with them again if I had to buy tickets now.
I second Parshaman.
I also am involved in one which is perfectly legal [Ambit energy]and it’s one of the fastest growing companies in America. A few leaders are frum yidden who make [more] than enough money to support a family, though most Heimeshe people involved dont make more than a couple a hundred a month. There are many perfectly legal marketing companies. The one I mentioned above work together with many local utillity companies such as ConEdison and National Grid. This company happens to sell a service- electricity not a product. That said, not everyone who joins is succsessful. I’ts not a “get rich quick” scheme. It takes work just like in any other sales field.
This letter was received by a mother on her vacation from her nineteen-year -old daughter who was keeping house and caring for the younger children while she was gone.
Dear Mom,
The kids have been real good and everything is running smoothly so don’t worry about a thing! I”m glad Chava had a tetanus shot a couple months ago so she doesn’t need another one. David’s leg doesn’t bother him much, except he says the stitches itch him a little.
We had a backyard sale before the accident to help raise money for the emergency.
At first it looked a little bare without the couch, but we put Shimon’s new alligator cage in the living room and it looks just fine.
I rearranged the furniture in Leah’s room so the bed would cover the burn marks in the carpet. I”m still trying to get rid of that terrible smell, though.
Oh, Yes- the plumber said he would be back tomorrow to finish putting in the new toilet. But with all that he did’nt find your rings. The milkman promised me he would’nt sue you but he is sending Papa the hospital bill. I imagine we have insurance for that sort of thing.
I forgot to put the scissors away this morning. Miriam’s hair looks real cute short. The dog looks a little funny though.
Mrs Rubin said the new window won’t cost much to replace. She would’nt give Dov’s baseball back, even though I was polite to her.
You remember that vase your grear-grandmother left you? Well I used the new glue on it and you can hardly see where it was broken.
We’ll meet you by the airport if the car is repaired by then. If we aren’t there, you’d better take a taxi staight to the courtroom because the trial starts at 2pm. Uncle Abbie says they don’t have a leg to stand on.
Boy, this job of being a housewife and mother is a snap!
We all send our love,
Chani
The meeting in the synagogue was getting heated. The week of Behar-Bechukosai was approaching,and the curses of the Tochacha and the grusesome details are enough to send a shudder up anyone’s spine, and so, many men are reluctant to be called to the Torah for that portion.
Someone has to do it, so the job often falls to the Ba’al Korei or the Gabbi.
But in one particular synagogue, everyone seemed to have had his share of bad luck, and no one wanted the honor. And so the wednesday before the fateful Shabbos a meeting was called. “I will not take the Tochacha this year!” shouted the Gabbi. Two weeks after the previous year’s Aliya it was kaput! And, he added for the curious and equally eager congergants, “I’m not going to elaborate!”
“It is time we gave it to the Rabbi”
The Rabbi demurred. “If you look at my contract, it says I get Shlishi every week. The Tochacha is in the fifth aliya, I am exempt” He smiled.
The shammas stormed up. “Don’t expect me to get called for the Tochacha. I’ts not going to happen. My job is to tidy up the shul and make sure everything is in order. I won’t stand up there and hear the curses of the Tochacha.”
The men were about to cancel the minyan for that shabbos when an eldery gentleman spoke up in the back. “If you pay me Fifty Dollars, I’ll take the Tochacha.”
There was silence, and then in unsion all heads nodded. The men have never met this stranger, but he was their salavation. They told him when davening began, and he said he would see them that shabbos.
Shabbos came, and the chazzan began, but the old man eas not there. It came time to take out the Torah, and he was still not there. the rabbi decided to speak before laining -just to stall a little bit.
They started reading the Torah -very slowly. It was not until the fourth aliya that the old man burst into the shul, panting. He made it!
He got his aliya, but as soon as he stepped off the Bimah the gabbi cornered him. “Do You know how much you scared us? Where were you?”
The old man replied, “You think a Jew can make a living from just one Tochacha?” !!!!!
Osama Bin Laden was once taking a long distance train somewhere in Europe and sitting in the first class section. A heimeshe yid was also sitting there and smoking. So Osama tells the Jew, “I can’t stand it, put out your cigarette”. The Jew answers him back, you don’t belong in first class, so you have no right to object.
When the conducter came a few minutes later to check the tickets, the Jew says “make sure to check that guy with the turban I have a feeling he does’nt belong in first class!”
Sure enough Bin Laden’s ticket was for third class. When they later both got off at the same station, Bin Laden humbly asked the Jew “you were right about my ticket, but how did you know???”
The Jew answered him: “I saw your ticket sticking out of your pocket and it was the same color as mine!!!