Forum Replies Created
-
Posts
-
What’s the difference between a schlamazel and a schlemeil?
A schlamazel is the guy who walks past a second floor window-ledge and knocks the flower pot off.
A schlemeil is the guy walking underneath….
Rabbi Weinstein was teaching his 3rd grade class the story of Lot and his wife. Rabbi Weinstein described that when Lot’s wife looked back at Sodom she turned into a pillar of salt.
Just then little David Silverstein interrupted. “My mommy looked back once while she was driving,” he announced, “and she turned into a telephone pole.”
“That’s wonderful,” says the angel, “that’s worth three points!”
“Three points?” he says. “Well, I attended synagogue all my life and always gave as much tzedakah as I could.”
“Terrific!” says the angel, “that’s certainly worth a point.”
“Fantastic, that’s good for two more points,” he says.
Little Rivkah came home from school and said to her mother, “Mommy, today in school I was punished for something that I didn’t do.”
Rivkah replied, “My homework.”
Sol Epstein, an elderly man, was seated in Dr. Moskowitz’s waiting room. When he was called in to see the doctor, Mr. Epstein got up, and, grasping his cane and hunching over, slowly made his way into the examining room.
After only a few minutes, Mr. Epstein emerged from the room, walking completely upright. Mr. Epstein’s friend Morty was in the waiting room and was shocked at his friend’s new posture. “That must be a miracle doctor in there.” he exclaimed. “What treatment did he give you? What’s his secret?”
Sol stared at Morty and said, “Well, Dr. Moskowitz looked me up and down, analyzed the situation, and gave me a cane that was four inches longer than the one I had been using.”
Yankel dragged himself home and barely made it to his chair before he dropped, exhausted. His sympathetic wife was right there with a tall cool drink and a comforting word.
“My, you look tired,” his wife said. “You must have had a hard day today. What happened to make you so exhausted?”
“It was terrible,” Yankel said, “We had no computer or internet access the whole day so all of us had to do our own thinking.”
getzel1: Remember joke number 2,348 that was a good one!!!
very hard
i try harder
try harder
keep trying
keep trying
gufibgjrigjrthpo
apushatayid: “Ok. I explained the story in a different way. Imy’h when I publish my sefer I will include my explanation and why I feel it is the appropriate one. Until then, learn from his sefer and learn what he teaches. “
Who are you, and what are your credentials that you even think you are on the same level as the Shomer Emunim????
WolfishMusings: “My apologies. I didn’t realize that it was a requirement that I feel terrible about myself in *every* thread.
I’ll try harder next time.
The Wolf
…and I thought you finally overcame your obssesion in writing deragatory about yourself. Oh well… Maybe one day…
apushatayid: “Let’s ask a few kashas oif a maaseh to try and understand its message.
The fact that it was an older woman and younger woman implies a mother and daughter, how?”
“In the sefer Shomer Emunim, The Shomer Emunim Rebbe writes: “It seems that the young woman was a daughter of the older woman.”
The exact source of the story in the OP is: Sefer Shomer Emunim. section “mevo hashar” perek [chapter] 16.
tahini: “Since when have Jews followed Catholic teachings on hell damnation and burning in hell?!. And are teachers who allow this to be sent home even aware of the religious and cultural implications of this piece of rubbish.”
I don’t know which brand of judiasm you suscribe to, but [most] orthodox jews believe that Heaven & Hell [Gehenom] are REAL places. Whether this should have been taught in a school is up for debate.
As mentioned in the “ANI MAMINS” that “Hashem rewards for mitzvos and punishes for those that violate his mitzvos.” Like nitpicker wrote above: “This is one of the shlosh asar ikarim. As to the the specifics I am not in a position to know and neither is anyone else here.
but the idea is basic.”
takahmamash: “Of course the story quoted by the OP is not true. Who ever heard of Jews dropping money?”
Correct, In the source of this story [Sefer Shomer Emunim] it does’nt mention any dropping of money. It seems that the writer of the article added some details, but the rest of the story stands as it was quoted by a reliable person in his sefer.
The source of the story in the OP is mentioned in the sefer “Shomer Emunim” by the former Shomer Emunim Rebbe [The founder of the Toldas Aaron & Toldos Avrohom Yitzchok Chassidus written at least fifty years ago. He was known as a tzaddik and oved Hashem. So the story is probaly true.
WolfishMusings: It’s rare to see you post on a thread without mentioning your emuna pshuto in Gehenom. What happened? You stopped believing?
uneeq: I have lived in Yerushalayim just fine for 7 years using my passport for everything. I did’nt use online banking and I moved back to states before golan telecom was in business so maybe for those two things you need a TZ, but I got all the services that I needed, [kupat cholim-bituach leumi, opening a phone line, etc all with my passport.]
I know that in Rav Moshe Wolfson’s Shul in Boro Park (Emunas Yisroel)has CCTV that is in recording mode on Shabbos under his direction. [Since the Leiby kletzky tragedy]
Many American citizens use their passport number for phone, banking, bituach leumi services etc,
For those that say ther would’nt be enough volunteers:
zionflag says:
Much has changed since ’73. The population of citizens is much much larger. There are thousands of Russians and Ethopions and others who who would eagerly serve in such a army. [I see how ethusiastic they serve in the “Yassam.” why should’nt they join the army for the right benefits???
rabbiofberlin: The truth is, I don’t believe “the establishment” would go for Eichler’s suggestion. They would 100+ excuses why it can’t work.
rabbiofberlin: “zichmich- see item on the YWN news about Eichler introducing a bill to solve these issues. It mirros what people have been saying for a long time. And the chassidische rebbes did indeed tell their chassidim to go the army”
AYou keep saying and repeating the chassidim really want to join the army.
Where, please tell me, where exactly did you read into Eichler suggestion that he wants to come to an agreement with the goverment regarding joining the army???
He simply wants to help the chareidim WORK legally. That’s it. Where in the dictionary is work equated with serving in any millitary???
[If the chassidim are pro serving or not serving is a total subject unto itself. Don’t confuse the two.]
“BTW- Rav Chaim Schmulewitz zt’l blessed all his talmidim and otherrs who went off to war in 1967.”
Any sane erliche yid would bless every and any type of jew who is serving in the army that he should come home safely. That is no proof that Rav Chaim Schmulewitz zt’l supports them joining initially.
rabbiofberlin: “zichmich- you probably don’t know that but your solution is one of the proposed ones- namely to allow everyone to work LEGALLY but not spend any more money from the national treasury on the kollels. Do you know who opposes this? THE ROSHEI YESHIVA !! “
I”m still wating for you to respond which Major Roshei Yeshiva [Plural] forbids a person from working to support his family???
rabbiofberlin: “zichmich- you probably don’t know that but your solution is one of the proposed ones- namely to allow everyone to work LEGALLY but not spend any more money from the national treasury on the kollels. Do you know who opposes this? THE ROSHEI YESHIVA !! Because they know that, if given the opportunity, masses of so-called kollel jungeleit would leave the kollelim, thereby deprivig the roshei yesihva and their many hangers-on of jobs.”
If the secular really want that Chareidim to work for a living [legally]why is Rabbi Eichler [from Agudas Yisroel Party]the one introducing the bill to solve these issues??? Why has’nt anyone from the larger parties in power from Kadima, Likud, or Yisroel Beiteinu suggested this solution? Why did this proposal come from the chareidim themselves? Maybe, just Maybe, the Chareidim don’t have anything against working per se, just that they don’t want to join the army???
rabbiofberlin: “and to respond to zichmich- you implicitly agreed with me concerning the chassidische world- they want to live a normal life and would clearly come to an accomodation with the government concerning the army. The nachal chareidi is the beginning of such reality and it is perfectly good for tens of thousands of people. It is absoloutely realistic-especially if you include “national service’ which is clearly possible for everyone.”
You have not read my previous post where I wrote clearly that the Chassidicher Rebbes support working for a living, not regarding going to the army. There is no reason that working legally should be linked to serving in the army. What shaychus??? It’s about time they abolished that law and THATS what the [most] Chassidicher Rebbes agree about.
Avi K: “Zichmich, you are the one who is haughty and arogant. An army cannot have a different pesak for each Jewish soldier.”
That is correct. So in order to accomadate the chareidim the army should follow the view of their rabbonim.
“Their is an Army Rabbinate and they have the status of mara d’atra.”
That is your personal opinion. The chareidim [myself included] disagree with your assesment of what does or does’nt consitute “mara d’atra.
“Unless someone is (really) learning, disabled, etc.he has an absolute Tora obligation to serve.”
As I mentioned before, the chareidim don’t agree with your “Torah.” In OUR torah, according to our Rabbonim there is no such obligation.
BTW Do you disagree that the army is lax in certain mitzvas and justifying because you believe it’s a mitzva to serve in the army, or do you believe that the IDF’s yiddishkeit is the best there is?
rabbiofberlin: “zichmich- you probably don’t know that but your solution ids one of the proposed ones- namely to allow everyone to work LEGALLY but not spend any more money from the national treasury on the kollels. Do you know who opposes this? THE ROSHEI YESHIVA !! “
1]Which Roshei Yeshiva??? Please name some big names in the yeshiva world.
rabbiofberlin: “The chassidische rebbes- by contrast- are desperate to come to an accomodation with the government- becasue they realize that it is impossible to continue with the status quo.”
I am unaware of any chassidicher Rebbe that believes one should serve in the army. They only hold that their chassidim who aren’t going to sit in Kollel should work for a living. According to you, the chassidim who are repesented in the knesset by the Agudas Yisrael party shoud work with the goverment to find a solution, not oppose the committee or refuse to cooperate with them. [Litzman -Deputy Minister of Health (Agudas Yisrael)is a Ger Chassid and as was seen in the Yerushalayim elections for Mayor, Ger doesn’t give a hoot to what the Litvishe [or even other] chassidicher Gedolim say.]So even when they oppose breaking the status Quo, then that means the chassidicher Gedolim agree with the litvishe on this one.
rabbiofberlin: “As far as your statement-that serving in the army is against halacha- excuse me??? do you have any real source for this?”
According to many Chareidi Gedolim [even besides Satmar, Brisk, Toldos Aaron] held tthat one should’nt use force to take EY from the Goyim. Besides for the fact that it’s challenging to keep many mitzvos in the army properly. [As was reported, the IDF is lax in shmiras shabbos [example: they sometimes consider evicting Jews from settlements or Hilltops “pikuach nefesh”] They arew lax in kashrus, letting soldiers daven, lax in “Giluy Arayos” -and related laws, etc. Now the Dati Leumi Jews are perfectly allowed to follow their Rabbis view that none of the above is anything against halacha. But we Chareidim have OUR Rabbis who WE follow and their view of what the Torah allows or not is OUR Law. So if the IDF wants US Chareidim to join, they can and should make some accomadations for us. [Instead of being haughty and arrogant insisting we chareidim should follow their “Daas Torah”] Also don’t suggest Nachal is the solution for 20,000+ Chareidim -that’s a joke.
rabbiofberlin: “NEVER in our history has there been a blanket exemption to anyone and- never was such a financial burden put upon the tsibbur . if you want, keep the ten batlonim and this is the one thing that we can live with.”
There are two issues here:
1)Serving in the army 2)Staying in kollel and being a so called “financial burden” on the general public.
I personally know many many chareidim in EY that work off the books in order to avoid the army. Many chareidim have jobs, some part-time, some full time. Some have cash businesses. These people are registered in kollel not to avoid taxes but to avoid the army. If it was legal to work without joining the army they would work openly. If anyone thinks it’s possible to just live off the kollel paychecks in E.Y. -They are in dreamland. Almost everyone I know [who is in kollel fulltime also has some form of other income, some more some less. [Many people sell different things from home. or do many other small things on the side, bein hasedarim or wife works etc.]The goverment “support” is a big joke. No one “lives” just on that. Purely Delusional.
So the issue of “Financial burden” can be easily be solved by allowing people to work legally even without serving in the army. [Just like the Arabs.]
I havent heard any calls to force all the Israeli Arabs [those that hold Israeli citizenship]in the army. Why? Because the secular know that the arabs would be disloyal soldiers, but they believe they could make [force] the Chareidim into seeing the “light” just like they shmad [forced] the Yeminites to become irreligious in the 1950’s.
Regarding serving in the army, many Chareidim believe it’s against Halacha [Their Rabbonim are against it.] Or they believe the army doesn’t/would’nt accomadate their religious needs, [as the army has proven many times.] The army doesn’t need [or really want] the Chareidim. The only ones that want the Chareidim in the army are the secular masses that feel “it’s unfair” So first the army should show [prove]they respect religion, [with the rulings of the chareidi Rabbonim of what is or isn’t allowed]then the working chareidim could begin discussing the army…
yitzchokm: +1
“Rabbi,” says the visitor, “I work for the Internal Revenue Service. Do you have a member of this congregation named David Tepper?
“I know him well.”
“Mr. Tepper claims that he donated ten thousand dollars to the synagogue, and I’m here to make sure he did.”
“I don’t know if he did,” says the rabbi, “but I can tell you one thing: he will!”
The heads of the all the Middle East countries have a plan to finally get rid of Israel. They request a meeting with the Israeli Premier and say, “These conflicts between our countries have been going on far too long — let’s settle this once and for all. In five years we, the Arab countries as one, will bring a dog to represent us, and you will bring your dog. They will fight to the death and the winner will rule the entire Middle East.”
The Israeli premier agrees.
The Arab countries pool their resources, and find the largest, most vicious dogs and start breeding them until they create the most monstrous dog known to man. Five years later the time has come and the two sides meet in an arena for the combat.
From one entrance the Arabs unleash an unbelievably horrible creature, but from the Jewish entrance comes a strange looking poodle.
The Arabs can’t contain their happiness. “Look what the Jews have brought to fight against us.”
The savage 200 pound creature charges, and the poodle slowly waddles to the center of the arena, opens his mouth, and with one gulp chomps the Arabs dog up and swallows it. The Arabs cannot believe their eyes.
“For five years we bred the most vicious dogs until we came up with a dog that no one could come close to. We fed the snarling beast raw meat every day. It killed every animal it came close to in training. How could this be possible?”
“Simple,” says the Premier. “While you were breeding your dogs, we Jews figured out how to perform plastic surgery on an alligator.”
An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came upon a casket containing a mummy. After examining it, he called the curator of a prestigious natural history museum.
“I’ve just discovered a 3,000 year old mummy of a man who died of heart failure!” the excited scientist exclaimed.
To which the curator replied, “Bring him in. We’ll check it out.”
A week later, the amazed curator called the archaeologist. “You were right about the mummy’s age and cause of death. How in the world did you know?”
“Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said, ‘10,000 Shekels on Goliath’.”
A biker was riding on a highway along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice, the Lord said:
“Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.”
The biker pulled over and said: “Lord, please build a bridge from California to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.”
The Lord said, “Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required would have to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me.”
The biker thought about it for a long time.
Finally he said, “Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she’s thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing’s wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy.”
The Lord replied, “‘Bout that bridge — you want two lanes or four?”
A Buddhist monk goes to a barber to have his head shaved. “What should I pay you?” the monk asks.
“No price, for a holy man such as yourself,” the barber replies.
And what do you know, the next day the barber comes to open his shop, and finds on his doorstep a dozen gemstones.
That day, a priest comes in to have his hair cut. “What shall I pay you, my son?”
“No price, for a man of the cloth such as yourself.”
And what do you know, the next day the barber comes to open his shop, and finds on his doorstep a dozen roses.
That day, Rabbi Finklestein comes in to get his payot [sideburns] trimmed. “What do you want I should pay you?”
“Nothing, for a man of God such as yourself.”
And the next morning, what do you know? The barber finds on his doorstep a dozen rabbis!
Max leaves his house to hail a taxi and almost immediately finds one. As he gets in, the cabbie says, “Perfect timing, just like Saul.”
“Who’s Saul?” asks Max.
“No one’s perfect,” says Max.
“So am I,” says Max.
“And,” says the cabbie, “Saul danced like Astaire. Not like me. I’ve got two left feet.”
“Sounds like Saul was really someone special,” says Max.
“You can say that again,” says the cabbie. “He even remembered everyone’s birthday. Not like me. I always forget important birthdays and anniversaries. And Saul could fix anything in the house. Not like me. If I change a fuse, the whole neighborhood has a power failure.”
“Wow,” says Max, “there aren’t many men around like Saul.”
The cabbie continues. “And Saul knew how to treat a woman. He could always make her feel good and never answered her back even if she was in the wrong. He always complimented her on Shabbat dinner. Not like me. I’m always getting into arguments with my wife.”
“What an amazing person,” says Max. “How did you meet him?”
“Well, I never actually met Saul,” replies the cabbie.
“Then how do you know so much about him?” asks Max.
“I married his widow,” replies the cabbie.
A visitor to Israel attended a concert at the Moscovitz Auditorium and he was quite impressed with the architecture and acoustics.
He inquired of the tour guide, “Is this magnificent auditorium named after Chaim Moscovitz, the famous Talmudic scholar?”
“No,” replied the guide. “It is named after Sam Moscovitz, the writer.”
“Never heard of him. What did he write?”
“A check,” replied the guide
Once upon a time in a far away land there lived a king who had a Jewish advisor. The king relied so much on the wisdom of his Jewish advisor that one day he decided to elevate him to head advisor. After it was announced, the other advisors objected. “It was bad enough,” the other advisors complained, “just to sit in counsel with a Jew. But to allow one to be over us? That’s just too much to bear.”
Being a compassionate ruler, the King agreed with them, and ordered the Jew to convert. What could the Jew do? One had to obey the King, and so he did.
As soon as the act was done, the Jew felt great remorse for this terrible decision. As days became weeks, his remorse turned to despondency, and as months passed, his mental depression took its toll on his physical health.
He became weaker and weaker. Finally he could stand it no longer. His mind was made up. He burst in on the king and cried, “I was born a Jew and a Jew I must be. Do what you want with me, but I can no longer deny my faith.”
The King was very surprised. He had no idea that the Jew felt so strongly about it. “Well, if that is how you feel,” he said, “then the other advisors will just have to learn to live with it. Your counsel is much too important to me to do without. Go and be a Jew again,” he said.
The Jew was elated. He hurried back home to tell the good news to his family. He felt the strength surge back into his body as he ran. Finally, he burst into the house and called out to his wife. “Rivka, Rivka, we can be Jews again, we can be Jews again!”
His wife glared back at him angrily and said, “You couldn’t have waited until after Pesach cleaning?!”
A Jewish man took his Passover lunch to eat outside in the park. He sat down on a bench and began eating his matzah, complete with perforations and all.
A little while later a blind man came by and sat down next to him. Feeling neighborly, the Jewish man passed a sheet of matzah to the blind man.
The blind man handled the matzah for a few minutes, concentrating intently, and finally exclaimed, “Who wrote this? It’s genius! “
It was mealtime during a flight on El-Al , Israel’s national airline.
“Would you like dinner?” the flight attendant asked Moishe, seated in the front row.
“What are my choices?” he asked.
“Yes or no,” she replied
What blessing do you give someone who just turned 120?
Have a nice day.
Moshe sells ice cream in the center of Amsterdam during the Second World War. Most of his customers are German soldiers and above his shop, there is a large sign that reads, “NOT FOR JEWS.”
Moshe’s best friend, who is also Jewish, is very angry with him. He waits until all the German soldiers are gone and asks Moishe, “How could you do such a thing?”
Moishe smiles and replies, “Have you ever tasted my ice cream?!”
Abe, an honest peddler, earns his living by selling wares from his cart, which is drawn by his faithful horse Arnie.
One day while on his rounds, a car traveling too fast smashes into the cart, sending Abe and Arnie flying.
A policeman comes to the scene and notices Arnie, the horse, in a very bad state.
He pulls out his gun and shoots the horse in the head, putting it out of its misery.
He then walks over to Abe, who is also lying badly injured.
“And tell me sir,” says the policemen, “how are you feeling?”
Abe, having witnessed what happened to Arnie, puts up his arms and says, “I swear on my life, I’ve never felt better!”
Mrs. Cohen has been suffering from arthritis. On the advice of her daughter-in-law, she goes to see Dr. Rubinstein, a specialist.
After a long visit, Dr. Rubinstein prescribes some medication and sends Mrs. Cohen on her way.
After a few weeks, Dr. Rubinstein calls Mrs. Cohen saying, “Mrs. Cohen, your check came back.”
Mrs. Cohen answers, “So did my arthritis!”
Mr. Epstein and his daughter Esther were discussing some of her dating choices, of which Mr. Epstein did not entirely approve. Trying to break through to him Esther asked, “Papa, would you prefer to have the son in law of your dreams but have me miserable, or would you rather let me choose the man of my dreams and be happy, and you learn to love him?
Mr. Epstein pondered for a minute and responded, “I’d rather have the son in law of my choice and YOU learn to love him!”
Outside the labor ward in an Israeli hospital sits a nervous looking man. From time to time he gets up and paces around anxiously.
Then out comes a nurse. “Mazal tov!” she exclaims. “It’s a girl!”
The father’s face falls then contorts into rage. He starts yelling, kicking over chairs, and overturning tables. Through the ruckus, it becomes clear that this is now his tenth daughter — and he clearly had been hoping for a son.
The nurse runs back into the labor ward, then returns a minute later, calling the man’s attention. “Sir, sir! I’m terribly sorry — I made a mistake! It’s actually a boy!”
The father ceases his tantrum, and looks impatiently at the nurse. “A boy? You’re sure it’s a boy?”
“Yes, sir,” she replies. “Mazal tov!” And she disappears back into the labor ward.
An eerie silence descends over the wreckage of the waiting area, and the father turns smugly to a shocked bystander.
“See? See what you’ve gotta do if you want to get anything done in this country?”