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Issy is not well and goes to see Doctor Myers. After examining him, Doctor Myers says, “Well, I can help you, but it will require many sessions.”
“OK,” says Issy, “how much is this going to cost me?”
“The 12 sessions plus drugs will cost you $1000,” replies Doctor Myers.
“OK,” says Doctor Myers, “how about $700?”
“Thanks doctor, I can do that,” says Issy.
An old American Jew felt that death is close and asked his sons to take him to the Holy Land, to die there and be buried in Jerusalem.
The loving sons did as he asked, brought him to Jerusalem, put him in a hospital and waited for death to come. However, once in Jerusalem the old man felt better and better and in some weeks was again strong, healthy and full of life. He called his sons and told them: “Take me quickly back to the United States.”
The sons were somehow disappointed and asked: “Father how come? You said you want to die in the Holy Land and be buried in Jerusalem!’
“Yes,” answered the father, to die it’s okay, but to live here….!?”
While Rivkah is out the room, Aaron goes over to his father, kisses him and quietly says, “Dad, I’m so pleased for you both. I think it’s fantastic that after 50 years you’re still calling mom by those loving pet names.”
But Morty, looking very embarrassed, says, “Things are not always what they seem to be, son. I must tell you the truth – I forgot your mother’s name about five years ago.”
A disappointed Coca Cola salesman returns from his assignment to Israel. A friend asked, “Why weren’t you successful with the Israelis?”
The salesman explained, “When I got posted, I was very confident that I would make it. But, I had a problem. I didn’t know Hebrew. So, I planned to convey the message via three posters.
The first poster was a man lying in the hot desert sand, totally exhausted.
The second poster was the man drinking the Coca Cola.
The third poster was the man now totally refreshed.
“These posters were pasted all over the place.”
“That should have worked!!” said the friend.
“The heck it should have!!” said the salesman. “I didn’t realize that Israelis read from right to left!!!”
Max and Moishe, long time rivals, opened new hair salons right across the street from one another.
They each put up a big bold sign. Max’s read
“WE GIVE SEVEN DOLLAR HAIR CUTS!”
Not to be outdone, Moishe put up his own sign which read:
“WE FIX SEVEN DOLLAR HAIR CUTS”
!!!
Yaakov, a farmer living in Israel’s lush Galilee region was giving a tour of his farm to his new mother in law. The newlywed farmer genuinely tried to be friendly to his new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly, non-antagonistic relationship. All to no avail though, as she kept nagging him at every opportunity, demanding changes, offering unwanted advice, and generally making life unbearable to the Yaakov and his new bride.
While they were walking through the barn, Yaakov’s mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law, killing her instantly. It was a shock to all no matter their feelings towards her.
At the funeral service, Yaakov and his wife sat as well wishers paid their respects. The rabbi however noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to Yaakov, he would nod his head yes and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the Yaakov, however, he would shake his head no, and mumble a reply.
Very curious as to this bizarre behavior, the rabbi later asked Yaakov what that was all about.
Yaakov replied, “The women would say, ‘What a terrible tragedy’ and I would nod my head and say, ‘Yes, it was.’ The men would then ask, ‘Can I borrow that mule?’ and I would shake my head and say, ‘Can’t. It’s all booked up for a year.'”
Moishe Rosenberg runs to the doctor and says, “Doctor, you’ve got to help me. My wife thinks she’s a chicken!”
The doctor asks, “How long has she had this condition?”
“Two years,” says the man.
“Then why did it take you so long to come and see me?” asked the shrink.
The man shrugs his shoulders and replies, “We needed the eggs.”
Things people say about some of our Presidents:
George Washington -Never said a lie
Bill Clinton -Never said the Truth
Barack Obama -Doesn’t know the difference
KingShloime:
Please don’t read this thread it’s clearly not meant for you.
Miriam Sapperstein had been gaining weight steadily for many years and her doctor recommended that she go on a doctor assisted weight loss program. Every week she began to weigh in, sometimes with mixed results.
One Sunday morning, Rabbi Rabbinovitz goes to visit one of his congregants, Sam Rosenstein.
“How much are you looking to get from me – how big is little?” asks Sam.
Moishe Melnick was sound asleep when the telephone jarred him awake.
“Hi!” It was his mother-in-law. She proceeded to rattle on about the busy day she had ahead and what she planned to make for Shabbat dinner and all the things that awaited her the rest of the week.
“Oy, what are you doing up so early?”
Miriam Rosenberg was trying to get her family to start eating more healthily. Over dinner, she explained the health benefits of a colorful meal. “The more colors, the more variety of nutrients,” she told her four children ranging in ages from 4 to 12. Pointing to the food, she asked, “So, how many different colors do you see?”
“Six,” volunteered her 7 year old daughter Shirah. “Seven if you count the burned parts.”
On his first day, Moishe went to Room 60, the exercise room for over 60s, and tried out their new stair master machine. He told the trainer what he wanted to do and the trainer asked, “You want me to set it for five, ten or twenty minutes?”
“Make it ten,” Moishe replied conservatively.
But after only a few minutes on the machine, his legs felt like lead and he could hardly breathe. So he got off the machine. As he limped past some of the other men in Room 60 who were resting from their workouts, Moishe said to them, “I could only take three minutes on that thing.”
Remarkably, Moishe keeps to his word. And so did Miriam.
One night, while he was sleeping he heard some noise in the kitchen. Thinking it was a burglar he got out of bed and crept into the kitchen only to find his wife sitting at the table devouring an enormous chocolate cake.
Yenta had to call Dr. Clayman to get him to check on her husband David. He was not looking well at all.
Jacob: You all set for the trip tomorrow? Do you need directions to our new place?
David: My wife.
rebyidd23: This thread is for “good jokes” for corny jokes please post in appropriate thread. Thanks!
I keep getting this message:
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Clicked Send Post>> and got
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And then:
Slow down; you move too fast.
ERROR
MODS! MODS!
Whats going on here???
it’s chaim yankel’s fault
He was about to leave when he saw the sign in the parking lot that read:
Peter, John and Chaim Yankel were colleagues working in the same office. After work one day they decided to go to a bar to socialize. After a few rounds of drinks, Peter suggested that they all admit something that they have never admitted to anyone before.
Chaim Yankel, begins, “I don’t know how to tell you….”
“Don’t be shy,” says Peter.
Bubbie Baila was taking her new granddaughter for a walk, when her neighbor Ruchel comes over and peeks into the stroller.
Moishe Rubenstein had begun to worry about almost everything in his old age, especially his health. One day, Moishe bumped into his doctor at the supermarket.
Moishe is getting more and more worried about his wife Sharon’s aggressive behavior towards him. So today he decides to see Doctor Levy.
“How can I help you, Moishe?” asks Doctor Levy.
“Don’t worry Moishe,” says Doctor Levy. “You’ll be pleased to hear that curing such behavior is now no longer difficult.”
“So what medicine are you going to prescribe for her?” asks Moishe.
“I don’t need to prescribe medicine for her,” replies Doctor Levy. “Whenever you think Sharon is beginning to lose her temper, just drink some water. But don’t swallow it – just swish it around in your mouth. And keep swishing it around until Sharon calms down or leaves the room.”
“Thank you doctor,” says Moishe. “I will try it as soon as I get back home.”
Ten days later, Moishe books another appointment to see Doctor Levy.
“So how is Sharon’s temper problem?” asks Doctor Levy.
“Your cure really works, doctor,” replies Moishe. “I’ve been swishing water every time Sharon starts to get aggressive, and she’s now almost normal. I can’t thank you enough, doctor. But do tell me, how can a plain glass of water work so well?”
“I must be honest with you Moishe,” replies Doctor Levy, “the water itself does absolutely nothing. It’s you keeping your mouth shut that is the solution.”
Jacob and Mindy Epstein just got married and moved into an apartment in New York City filling it with all of the precious items they received as wedding gifts. One day, they received in the mail two tickets for a popular show in the city, with a single line written on the envelope:
“Guess who sent them.”
Jacob and Mindy assumed that it was a belated wedding present and while they enjoyed the show immensely, they spent the whole evening trying to figure out who the tickets were from.
On their return home from the show, Jacob and Mindy were met with a disastrous sight: their apartment had been stripped of every one of their wedding presents, every article of value in the apartment. And on the bare table in the dining-room was a piece of paper on which was written a note on an envelope:
“Now you know!”
Chaim Yankel was doing some shopping in Manhattan and double parked his car on Broadway Street for a few minutes. When he exited the store he noticed a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket.
The traffic cop ignored Chaim Yankel and continued writing the ticket. So Chaim Yankel, who always struggled with his temper, called him a pencil necked shleimel. The traffic cop glared at Chaim Yankel and started writing another ticket for having a broken tail light!!
Chaim Yankel recently opened up a flower shop and he was trying his best to win new customers, although he always seemed to get himself in trouble.
Chaim Yankel phones El Al. “Yes, can I help you?” asks the booking clerk.
“I’m looking to book a flight to Tel Aviv for this coming Sunday,” says Chaim
“Before I can answer that,” says the El Al clerk, “I need to know how many people are going to fly with you.”
And in the standard Yiddish manner, Moishe replies, “Do you know who I am?”
“You should fear me like the others do,” says Satan. “Aren’t you afraid of me?”
“No, certainly not” replies Moishe.
“But surely you realise what I can do to you, in an instant, without even a word being said?” says Satan.
“So nu already, be my guest,” replies Moishe calmly.
“But don’t you know that if I want to, I can cause you unbelievably, horrifying agony?” asks Satan.
“Big deal,” replies Moishe calmly.
“And you still say that you’re not afraid of me?” asks Satan.
“No way,” replies Moishe.
Moishe’s replies so shock Satan that he asks Moishe one more question, “So tell me already. Why aren’t you afraid of me?”
Little Shmuli and the Marcus family were invited to their grandparents for Friday night dinner. Everyone was seated around the table and Zadie Marcus was getting ready to recite Kiddush. Just then, Shmuli reached for the challah and appetizers on the table and began eating.
“I PRAY FOR A BICYCLE…I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO…I PRAY FOR A NEW LAPTOP…”
To which the little brother replied, “No, but Bubbie is!”
An Israeli student named Itzik who was studying at UCLA was heading back to Israel for the high holidays. When he got to the airline counter, he presented his ticket to Tel Aviv. As he gave the agent his luggage, he said, “I’d like you to send my green suitcase to New York, and my black suitcase to Boston.”
The confused agent said, “I’m sorry, we can’t do that.”
“Really??? I am so relieved to hear you say that because that’s exactly what you did to my luggage last year!”
WORST: Ivrit
FAVORITE: English
Member
Avi K: “CG, the incidennt I described in fact happened in Bene Beraq but I am also an observer of the Yerushalkayim scene. Ltvaks speak Hebrew or English (there is a large immigrant population)except for a few who are old enough to have learnewd with European-born rabbanim. Chassidim are divided.Most speak Hebrew but some, especially in Mea Shearim speak Yiddish for political reasons.In any case, one can easily get along in either city without knowing a word of Yiddish.”
While you “observed” the Yerushalayim scene, I was part of it for close to a decade. What the Chassidishe Gatesheader responded to you is 100% true.
For most Chassidim [besides Ger] Yiddish is their first language and some speak Ivrit just as well as Yiddish.
you wrote: “Chassidim are divided. Most speak Hebrew but some, especially in Mea Shearim speak Yiddish for political reasons.In any case, one can easily get along in either city without knowing a word of Yiddish.”
Chassidim are divided, -over language??? -Nonsense
THe Meah Shearim’niks [mainly the Ahrle’lach don’t ever speak Ivrit -even when going to goverment offices,. Instead they speak “Loshon Hakodesh” -which sounds like broken Ivrit to get their needs and wants across, which they do pretty well.
There were three men: one Scottish, one Irish, and one Jewish. Every day they went to work. They were builders, working on the top of a building.
One day, the Scottish man pulls out his lunch and says “TUNA! I hate TUNA! If my wife gives me tuna one more time I’m gonna jump off this building!”
The Irish man says “EGG! I hate EGG! If my wife gives me egg one more time I’m gonna jump off this building!”
The Jewish man says “HUMOUS! I hate Humous! If my wife gives me humous one more time I’m gonna jump off this building!”
The next day the Scottish man pulls out his lunch and says “TUNA! That’s it!” and jumps off the building.
The Irish man says “EGG! That’s it!” and jumps off the building.
The Jewish man says “HUMOUS! That’s it!” and jumps off the building.
The next day the wives of the three men are interviewed by the police.
The Scottish and Irish wives say, “If he had just had just told me that he didn’t like it I would have made him something different.”
The Jewish wife says “I don’t understand. He always made his own sandwiches.”
Selma accompanied her husband Morty to the doctor’s office. After the check-up, the doctor took Selma aside and said, “If you don’t do the following, your husband will surely die.”
1.”Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast and send him off to work in a good mood.”
2.”At lunch time, make him a warm, nutritious meal and put him in a good frame of mind before he goes back to work.”
3.”For dinner, fix an especially nice meal and don’t burden him with household chores.”
4.”Satisfy his every whim.”
On the way home, Morty asked his wife what the doctor had said.
Izzie calls his mother and announces excitedly that he just met the woman of his dreams.
His mother has an idea: “Why don’t you send her flowers, and on the card invite her to our place for a home-cooked meal?”
“Ma, the evening was a disaster,” he moans.
“Why?” asks his mother.
“She refused to cook.”
Moishe, the Jewish astronaut, was asked why he was packing a tie with his spacesuit.
He replied, “My mother said that when I do a spacewalk I should look nice.”
Later on, during the flight, Morris became frantic and radioed mission control. “I must make an emergency landing!”
“Why?”
“My wife called and she wants to be picked up from the hairdresser.”
“I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day,” he said. “I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise.”
“That’s amazing,” Rivkah said. “How old are you?’
“Twenty-six,” he said.
Morty went back a month later to the doctor and the doctor said, “Your hearing function is near 100%. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.”
Morty replied, “Oh, I haven’t told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to their conversations. I’ve changed my will three times!”
Shalom, who had never seen train tracks in his life and had never ever seen a train, chose to walk right between the two iron tracks. After about five minutes, he saw a giant machine bearing down directly upon him.
Toot toot! The train whistled. The conductor waved frantically at shalom as he tried to stop the train. At the last moment Shalom quickly jumped out of the way and the train hurtled by missing him by a hair. So fast was the enormous machine traveling that shalom was knocked down by the rush of air accompanying the speeding train. As he picked himself up all he could see was the enormous black beast fleeing down the track, mocking him with a shrill toot toot.
Paul goes to see his boss one day and says, “My wife Natalie says I should see you. She says I should go up to you and ask for an increase in my salary. She says I’m entitled.”
Paul’s boss replies, “Come back tomorrow. I’ll ask my wife if I should give it to you. “
Moishe the Jeweler prided himself on putting customer service above all else. One day he overheard a clerk saying to a tourist who looked like she could have spent a pretty penny, “No, ma’am, we haven’t had any for some weeks now, and it doesn’t look as if we’ll be getting any soon.”
Alarmed by what was being said, Moishe rushed over to the customer who was walking out the door and said, “That isn’t true, ma’am. Of course, we’ll have some soon. In fact, we placed an order for it a couple of weeks ago.”
Moishe then pulled the clerk aside and growled, “Never, never, never, never say we don’t have something. If we don’t have it, say we ordered it and it’s on its way. Now, what was it she wanted?”
The clerk smiled and said …
“Rain.”
ItcheSrulik: I know secular Israelis who celebrate Chanukah of “the brave hero maccabees” but they [nebach] know nothing what the battle was all about…
So “knowing” Tanach in itself means absolutely nothing….
ItcheSrulik: Are you aware that many Chareidim dont learn much [ta]nach because the original maskilim and reformers put a dagesh on it in order to trick and ensnare chareidim with their original twisted logic?….
So you’re right, we are’nt interested in looking like [being like] your secular sochnut fellow.
BTW did he study it as a “history subject” similar to learning any other subject or in order to learn Hashems torah?
It’s nice to be important, but it’s more important to be nice.
Today is the tommorow you worried about yesterday.
A smile is a curve that sets things straight.
Don’t tell Hashem how big your problems are, tell your problems how big Hashem is.
Beware of the half truth, you may have gotten the wrong half.
Even a broken clock is right twice a day.
Experience is like a difficult teacher, because he gives the test first and the lesson afterwards.
Life is like a ten speed bike, most of us have gears we never use.
The world is full of willing people. Some willing to work, others willing to let them.
The only place success comes before work is in the dictionary.
Life is like a bicycle, you don’t fall off unless you stop pedaling.
Be like a postage stamp, stick to something until you get there.
Humility is a strange thing…. when you think you’ve got it, -you lost it.
If a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind, just what does an empty desk mean?
If it were’nt for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.
Politicians and diapers should be changed regularly and for the same reason.
A man is incomplete until he is married after that he’s finished.
The city of happiness is found in your state of mind.
Charity begins at home, but it should’nt end there.
Growing old is mandatory, but growing up is optional.
Of all things you wear, expression counts the most.
You always pass failure on the way to success.
Of all the things I lost, I miss my mind the most.
If you think you have no faults, that makes one.
Time is like a tailor, specializing in alterations.
The darkest hour is only 60 minutes.
He who has no money is poor, but he who has nothing but money is poorest.
Even though we can’t have everything we want, most of us should be thankful we don’t get what we really deserve.
My dear son,
Just a few lines to let you know that I am still alive. I am writing this letter slowly because I know yocan’t read fast. You won’t know the house when you come home. We’ve moved.
It was a lot of trouble moving- the most difficult part was the bed. You see the man would’nt take it in the taxi. It would’nt have been too bad if your father had’nt been sleeping in it at the time. I am sorry that we are so far together. I wish we were closer apart. About your father he has a lovely new job. He has five hundred men under him. He’s cutting grass at the cemetery.
My friend died and is doing fine. Another friend has the mumps and is having a swell time. He’s at death’s door and the doctor is trying to pull him through.
There was a washing machine in the new house when we moved in, but it’s not working too good. Last week I put four shirts into it, pulled the chain and have’nt seen the shirts since.
Your sister Barbara had a baby this morning. I have’nt heard whether it’s a boy or a girl, so I don’t know if you are a aunt or a uncle. We got a letter from the undertaker yesterday. He said that if the last installment was’nt paid on your grandmother’s grave within seven days, up she comes.
I sent you a coat by express, so I cut off the buttons to make it lighter. If you want them they are in the pocket.
I started out to Ohio, to visit you. I saw a sign that said “This will take you to Ohio.” I sat on it for three hours, but the thing did’nt move.
you loving mother
P.S. I was going to send you $10.00, butI had already sealed the envelope.