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“Of course,” said the young rabbi grabbing his date book. “What day do you want?”
“So how did you enjoy being a kid for a day?” Moishe asked.
“Great,” Miriam said. “But when I said I wanted to be eight again, I meant my dress size.”
On his first day, he saw a fashionable lady in her early thirties approach him. With his manager watching the interaction, Chaim Yankel was determined to impress.
A rabbi, a priest and a minister are discussing when life begins.
The priest says: “In our religion, life begins at conception.”
The minister says: “We disagree. We believe that life begins when the fetus is viable outside of the mother’s womb.”
The rabbi responds: “You both are wrong. In our religion, life begins when all of the children are married off.”
Chaim Yankel decided to try his hand at being a real estate agent and he was thrilled when he got his first listing. He wrote an ad for the house which had a beautiful second-floor in-law suite that could be accessed using a lift chair that slid along the staircase.
The homeowners were upset that Chaim Yankel didn’t get them any showings and Chaim Yankel himself was confused so he showed them his advertisement. Trying to make the in-law suite sound enticing he wrote: “Mother-in-law suite comes with an electric chair.”
16 year old Shmuli Markowitz never misses an opportunity to remind his parents that he wants his own car. One morning as Mrs. Markowitz drove him to school, it was apparent that they would be late. Mrs. Markowitz asked Shmuli to write a note, which she would sign when they arrived.
“I’m sorry,” says Moishe, “but this lovely, exquisite kiddush cup is now $350.”
“I don’t believe it,” says Chaim Yankel. “How can that be? The remember the price tag said $300.”
“Well,” replies Moishe, “The cost of labor has risen dramatically.”
Itzik sat down at a funky Tel Aviv restaurant asking for something from the lunch menu.
Itzik thought it over and replied, “Do you have anything on the breakfast menu that tastes like lunch?”
Mrs. Rosenberg complained to her daughter’s teacher that someone in school was taking her daughter’s new pencils.
“That’s terrible,” replied the teacher. “I can buy her some extras.”
“Oh my goodness,” replied the teacher. “I heard that the board was cutting back on the principal’s salary, but he’s stealing pencils?!”
Precocious Little Moishie Goldberg was just starting fourth grade but went back to the third grade classroom for old time sake.
“Hello Moishie,” said Mrs. Epstein, the third grade teacher.
“Hello Mrs. Epstein,” he replied.
“How’s fourth grade going?” she asked.
“To be honest, I miss you,” said Moishie.
“That’s sweet, Moishie, I miss you too,” Mrs. Epstein said.
“You were a good teacher because you never had any favorites,” Moishe said.
“Well I try to pride myself on my fairness,” replied Mrs. Epstein.
“Exactly,” Moishie said. “You were mean to everyone.”
Miriam Epstein is making scrambled eggs when her husband Moishe bursts into the kitchen.
Miriam turns to Moishe and asks, “What is wrong with you?”
Moishe goes into a police station to report that his wife Rebecca is missing.
Moishe: “I’ve lost my wife. She went shopping yesterday and has still not come home.”
Sergeant: “How tall is she, sir?”
Sergeant: “And what about her build?”
Sergeant: “What color are her eyes sir?”
Sergeant: “And what about the color of her hair?”
Moishe: “It changes all the time depending on what hairdresser she goes to.”
Sergeant: “What clothes was she wearing when you last saw her?”
Sergeant: “When she left to go shopping did she go by car?”
Moishe: “Yes she did.”
Sergeant: “And what is the make of the car?”
Moishe: “It’s a high performance 560 HP Audi in a very special silver grey metallic paint. It has 8-speed paddle-shift automatic transmission and a 6.35 litre V12 engine generating at least 460 HP. It has the Z51 Super Performance Package; larger than normal alloy wheels; GT bucket seats; Satellite Navigation with world-wide coverage, and Direct Injection. It also unfortunately has a very thin scratch on the front left door. And ………. “
At this point, Moishe starts to cry.
Sergeant: “Don’t worry sir…….We’ll find your car.”
At his 103rd birthday party, the Rubenstein family gathered around Zadie Hymie for cake and words of wisdom.
“I certainly will,” Zadie replied.
“I had to get to school early,” Solly said, “so I just ran.”
“Really?” says Herman.
A businessman flying first class on El Al sitting next to a parrot. The plane takes off, and the parrot orders a Glenlivet, neat. The businessman asks for a Coke.
Later, they order another round. Again, the bird gives the crew grief for being slow, and the businessman joins in: “Yeah, the service stinks!”
Just then, the El Al flight attendant grabs the pair, opens the hatch, and throws them out of the plane. As they hurtle toward the ground, the parrot says to the terrified man, “Wow, that took a lot of guts for a guy with no wings.”
The teacher went on to reassure me that my daughter was still doing fine in school and was sweet and likable. Finally, after a pause, she added, “By the way, Mrs. Epstein, our appointment was tomorrow.”
The Epsteins were mourning the passing of their beloved Bubbie Bayla. Bubbie Bayla always had a soft spot for Chaim Yankel, a perpetually unsuccessful businessman in their community who had recently opened a funeral home, so the Epsteins decided to give him the business.
When it was time to settle the account, David Epstein marched into Chaim Yankel’s office, livid.
“Calm down Mr. Epstein,” said Chaim Yankel. “You don’t need to get do upset!’
“I don’t?” replied David Epstein. “Would you be upset if you received a bill from the funeral home, where on the bottom of the receipt it reads, ‘Thank you. Please come again'”?
“Sure,” Shmuli said, “but if someone offers less, how low are you willing to go?”
When Brent returned, his tires were gone. “How much did you get for them?” Brent asked excitedly.
“Fifteen dollars each.”
“Who bought them?”
“I did!”
Rabbi Friedman asked one of his congregants, Esther, how things were going with her mother.
Chaim Rosenberg had a great idea. He went down to the department of motor vehicles and asked to get a personalized license plate with his wedding anniversary on it.
A few hours later, the clerk recognized Chaim again waiting in my line. When his turn came, Chaim approached and said somewhat sheepishly, “I need to change the numbers on that plate application.”
Congregation Beth Israel had a new rabbi who wanted to join the cantor and his choir for Shabbat morning services. After the first Shabbat service, Rabbi Epstein approached Cantor Rosenberg and said, “Those were some beautiful melodies this morning, Cantor. Tell me something, what key was I singing in?”
Cantor Rosenberg responded dryly, “Most of them.”
Moishe Rubinstein was driving to meet his friend Chaim for supper when he came to a bridge under construction. The road narrowed to one lane, with a red light at either end. He stopped at the red light on his side and when it turned green, he started driving again. Halfway through, he met another car coming towards him.
The driver leaned out his window and shouted, “I don’t back up for idiots!”
Putting his car into reverse, Moishe called back, “No problem; I do.”
Melvin Slippowitz used to say that he was the unluckiest person he knew. He had never won anything or had anything good happen to him in his entire life. Until now.
Melvin was clearing out his attic when he came upon an old painting and a violin. Thinking they might be valuable, he took them to the auction house to be valued.
After studying them, the appraiser said, “Mr. Slippowitz, I have good news and I have bad news.”
“What’s the good news?” Melvin asked.
“The good news is that you have a Stradivarius and a Picasso,” replied the appraiser.
One day, Chaim Yankel was trying to pull out of a parking place but to his horror, he hit the bumper of the car parked in front of him. To make matters worse, the incident was witnessed by a handful of people waiting for a bus.
So Chaim Yankel got out of his car, inspected the damage carefully, took out a pen and a piece of paper and wrote a note, which he then left under the wiper blade of the other car.
David Silverman prided himself on being an excellent father, always teaches important values and imparting pearls of wisdom to his daughter Leah. One day David was explaining a very important lesson to Leah.
Even though there was a blizzard raging outside, Moishe trudged his way to the kosher bakery, where he asked the owner for six rolls.
Miriam had been bugging Moishe for years unsuccessfully to get a hearing aid. “How much do they cost?” Moishe finally asked Miriam one day after one of her nagging sessions.
The woman answers, “Well, I have contacts.”
The policeman replies, “I don’t care who you know! You’re getting a ticket!”
Rabbi Epstein, Principal at Sinai middle school was walking through the hallways when he came across a Mr. Fishman, a new substitute teacher, standing outside his classroom with his forehead against a locker.
Rabbi Epstein heard Mr. Fishman mutter, “How did you get yourself into this?”
Knowing that he was assigned to a difficult class, Rabbi Epstein tried to offer moral support.
“Are you okay?” Rabbi Epstein asked. “Can I help?”
Mr. Fishman lifted his head and replied, “I’ll be fine as soon as I get this kid out of his locker.”
“Good morning,” Chaim Yankel said sheepishly. “This is your wake-up call.”
Annoyed, Mr. Robinson let Chaim Yankel have it. “You were supposed to call me at 6!” he complained. “What if I had a million-dollar deal to close this morning, and your oversight made me miss out on it?”
“Well, sir,” said Chaim Yankel, “if you had a million-dollar deal to close, you wouldn’t be staying in this motel.”
Bubbie Bayla Bernstein seated herself right behind the bus driver. Every ten minutes or so she’d pipe up, “Have we reached Niagara Falls yet?”
“No, lady, not yet. I’ll let you know,” he replied, time after time.
The hours passed, Bubbie Bayla kept asking for Niagara Falls, and finally the town came into view. Sighing with relief, the driver slammed on the brakes, pulled over and called out, “This is where you get out, lady.”
“Is this Niagara Falls?”
“YES!” he bellowed. “Get out!”
“Oh, I’m going all the way to Toronto,” she explained sweetly. “It’s just that my daughter told me that when we got this far, I should take my medication.”
With that, Michael headed toward the door. Moishe stood up and followed close behind.
Miriam, with hurt feelings, said, “What’s the matter, Moishe? Don’t you like my singing?”
Moishe replied, “Honey, I love your singing, but I just want to make sure the neighbors know I’m not beating you.”
Miriam Epstein was driving her old beat up car on the highway with her 5 year old son, little Moishie.
She tried to keep up with traffic but they were flying by her. Surprised at the speed of traffic, she looked at her speedometer and noticed that she was doing 10 miles over the speed limit.
She moved to the slow lane and then looked up and saw the flashing lights of a police car. Pulling over she waited for the officer to come up to her car.
As he did he said, “Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?”
Little Moishie piped up from the back seat, “I do! Because you couldn’t catch the other cars!”
An army unit in the Israel Defense Force finished some training exercises and had a little down time before boarding their bus back to their army base. Just for fun, the soldiers lined up in formation with their helmets on backward.
The commanding officer was indignant at this breach of military decorum and dressed down the soldier in charge of his unit, “Private Goldberg! I want to see those helmets facing front immediately!”
Private Goldberg was unshaken. He called his group to attention, then commanded crisply, “About face!”
Einstein dies and goes to heaven, only to be informed that his room is not yet ready. “I hope you will not mind waiting in a dormitory. We are very sorry, but it’s the best we can do and you will have to share the room with others,” he is told by the doorman.
Einstein says that this is no problem at all and that there is no need to make such a great fuss. So the doorman leads him to the dorm. They enter and Albert is introduced to all of the present inhabitants. “See, here is your first roommate. He has an IQ of 180!”
“That’s wonderful!” says Albert. “We can discuss mathematics!”
“And here is your second roommate. His IQ is 150!”
“That’s wonderful!” says Albert. “We can discuss physics!”
“And here is your third roommate. His IQ is 100!”
“That’s wonderful! We can discuss the latest plays at the theater!”
Just then another man moves out to capture Albert’s hand and shake it. “I’m your last roommate. I’m sorry, but my IQ is only 80.”
Albert smiles back at him and says, “So, you want to talk politics?”
Moishe Miller was having some trouble in Hebrew class.
To encourage him, his teacher Mrs. Shalva said, “You’ll know you’re really beginning to get it when you start dreaming in Hebrew.”
One day, Moishe ran into class all excited, saying, “Mrs. Shalva! I had a dream last night and everyone was talking in Hebrew!”
“Great!” said Mrs. Shalva. “What were they saying?”
“I don’t know,” Moishe replied; “I couldn’t understand them.”
n old man once entered an insurance office and asked to take out a life insurance. “We’re sorry,” he was told, “We don’t give life insurances to anyone over 80 years old”.
“That’s not fair,” the man protested, “you just gave one to my father last week!”
“Your father?” was the incredulous reply, “we must check that out. What was his name?” They investigated the matter and sure enough, it appeared that they had, indeed, given this old man’s father a life insurance.
“Well,” said the administrator, “If we gave your father an insurance policy, it is only fair that we give you one as well. We’ll have to set up a date for you to come by and sign the policy. Is next Tuesday good for you?”
“No”, said the old man, “I can’t come next Tuesday, my grandfather is getting married.”
“Your grandfather?!?”
“Yes. But actually, he doesn’t really want to get married but his parents are putting pressure on him”!
An elderly woman is sitting in the hospital waiting room, waiting while her daughter-in-law gives birth. A while later, a doctor comes out.
“Mrs. Goldburg, I have wonderful news! Your daughter-in-law just gave birth to twins! A boy in a girl, they are perfectly healthy! Mazel Tov!”
Mrs. Goldburg turns to Mrs. Rubenstein, who is seated next to her. “Isn’t it wonderful? And look at that, my daughter-in-law just gave birth to twins, and my son works in the Twin Cities!” said Mrs. Goldburg.
A while later, another doctor comes out and walks over to Mrs. Rubenstein, another woman waiting for her daughter-in-law to give birth.
“Mrs. Rubenstein, Mazel Tov! Your daughter-in-law just gave birth to triplets! They are beautiful and healthy, and your daughter-in-law is fine.”
Mrs. Rubenstein turns to Mrs. Cohen who is seated next to her.
Mrs. Rubenstein says, “Can you believe it? My daughter-in-law just had triplets, and my son works at Triple-A!”
Mrs. Cohen gets up and begins to gather her things. “I have to get out of here! My son works at Seven-Eleven!”