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Welcome to the Coffeeroom, Aurora! If I were in your position, the first things I would do are 1) join the Orthodox Conversion to Judaism yahoo group, 2) acquire a copy of the Gerus Guide by the group’s moderator Rabbi Aryeh Moshen, and 3) contact your local Orthodox rabbis (including Chabad and non-Chabad) and attend their services. I encourage you to continue your genealogical research (mainly because I love genealogy myself), but keep in mind that you don’t have to be able to prove Jewish ancestry to convert.
I would also read books on Judaism from an Orthodox perspective, as well as websites (such as outreach-oriented sites such as Chabad, Aish, Simpletoremeber, and Breslev Israel). At some point you might be interested in reading the book on converts (gerim) in chassidic thought by Dov ben Avraham (who himself is a convert with some Jewish ancestry).
I agree with yichusdik’s suggestions, with one caveat. From the way he phrases it, it sounds as though abandoning the observance of mitzvos will invalidate the conversion. This would suggest that you can convert, be an Orthodox Jew for a few years, and as soon as you get tired of it you can stop being observant and poof, your conversion is invalidated and you’re no longer obligated in the mitzvos.
It doesn’t work that way. When you convert to Orthodox Judaism (the only real way to convert to Judaism), you make a commitment to be observant for life. If soon after the conversion you are not living a completely observant life, that will be taken as evidence that the conversion was not valid, because you did not accept the mitzvos. That is the only way a conversion can be nullified.
WIY, I recommend reading the Garden of Peace by Rav Shalom Arush. Within the first chapter or so he discusses how important it is for a man to get married (there’s a woman’s version of the book too — I haven’t read it since I’m not a woman). I’ve read many of Rav Arush’s books, and I think this is probably the most important one for people to read (although all the rest are great too), even before marriage.
Sam2, if you’re wondering about Rav Aviner’s reading of that Gemara, I encourage you to email him through his website. His assistant usually responds with an answer from the Rav within a few hours.
Rav Shlomo Aviner, a major posek of the Chardali (charedi-leaning dati leumi) community, recently answered this very question, in one of his mini-teshuvos. He’s not known for leniencies himself, as far as I know. Here’s the quote from his website:
“Q: In theory, is it permissible for me to always search out a Rabbi who is lenient?
A: Yes. One who wants to follow Beit Shammai may do so, one who wants to follow Beit Hillel may do so. Eruvin 6b. But not leniencies which contradict one another.”
Curiosity, when he was alive, I don’t think his chassidim’s wives visited him on Rosh Hashana. He wanted the husbands to instruct their wives in chassidus. This is explained on the website I previously quoted from.
Regardless, your argument doesn’t work. Gedolei Breslov, not Litvishe and Sephardi poskim, are the ones Breslov chassidim should listen to, regarding how and whether to follow Breslov minhagim. If it were otherwise, Breslov chassidus (and for that matter all the other streams of chassidus) would not exist.
Rebbe Nachman believed in following the Shulchan Aruch, and criticized other chassidim for not following it (such as those who davened after zman tefilah). He also spoke strongly against unnecessary chumros. The Shulchan Aruch does not say men should always be with their families on Rosh Hashana.
In any event, it makes no sense for non-Breslovers to come forward and say, but Rebbe Nachman would have wanted you to do X, not Y. Breslov traditions have been passed down faithfully from generation to generation, and the leaders of each generation of Breslov chassidim are necessarily empowered to determine how minhagim are to be followed.
I personally think it would be nice if women and children could come with their wives to Uman on Rosh Hashana, but 1) the presence of large amounts of women and men together in the same place would be unacceptable because of tznius, and 2) who am I to argue with the consensus of gedolei Breslov?
Curiosity, on the “indicated” issue, that was a quote from Chayei Moharan, written by Rabbi Nosson Sternhartz, who was the closest chasid to the Rebbe and served as his defacto successor (though Breslov gedolim have never used the title of rebbe). Rebbe Nachman must have known he was dying — his yarzheit is on 18 Tishrei, not very long after his last Rosh Hashana — and made it clear to Reb Nosson that he wanted people to visit his kever.
I see what you’re saying about tzedakah. But from the quotes I provided, it’s clear that Rebbe Nachman believed visiting him on Rosh Hashana would benefit the entire world. So it’s understandable to collect tzedakah. If I were in charge, however, I wouldn’t raise funds for Uman trips from non-Breslovers, because it might send the wrong message (that mystical pilgrimages are more important than helping the poor with their basic needs.)
One more thing about women. Rebbe Nachman asked, “Why don’t you make your wives Chasidistehs (chassidim)?”(Siach Sarfei Kodesh 2, 1-14). So he wanted women to follow his derech too.
Curiosity: Good questions. Here’s the answer about women. From a Breslover website:
“Some newcomers to Breslov assume that the Rosh Hashana gathering in the city of Uman, near Rebbe Nachman’s gravesite, was always a ‘for men only’ event. However, prior to the Stalinist purges, women also attended prayer services in the Breslover Kloiz on Rosh Hashana, as well as on Shabbos and the Yomim Tovim. In fact, it was the personal custom of Rav Avraham Sternhartz, the Baal Tokei’ah and Baal Musaf, upon leaving the synagogue to offer holiday greetings to the women waiting outside for their husbands and sons.
The main reason women today are discouraged from traveling to the Rosh Hashana gathering in Uman is because under present circumstances, it would be impossible to accommodate large numbers of women without serious breaches of tznius (modesty). However, groups of women travel to Uman throughout the year, where they, too, recite the Tikkun HaKlalli, the ten psalms prescribed by Rebbe Nachman to heal the soul.”
Tajik: Not exactly. He didn’t exactly promise Olam Haba, and it’s not specific to Rosh Hashana. Here’s the main quote from Sichos Haran 141:
“Bear witness to my words. When my days are over and I leave this world, I will still intercede for anyone who comes to my grave, says these Ten Psalms and gives a penny to charity. No matter how great his sins, I will do everything in my power, spanning the length and breadth of creation , to save him and cleanse him….”
In addition, in Chayei Moharan (a collection of various oral traditions about Rebbe Nachman from Rabbi Nosson of Breslov), the following sentence is added: “I will pull him by his peyos out of gehenom.”
A little unusual? Yes. But the Zohar says a tzaddik is greater after death than while living, so it’s conceivable that a tzaddik could “intercede” in some way with one’s soul after death. And I think it’s obvious that the part about the peyos is meant to be figurative, not literal. Obviously, peyos don’t come with you to the afterlife. It may sound like he’s promising Olam Haba, but I don’t think that’s the intended meaning.
Wolf, the difference is that R’ Emden had minority halachic views, while the directive to visit the Rebbe’s kever on RH is not against halacha — it is a minhag of a chassidic group. It is normal to follow a minhag of your rebbe even if other people oppose it. (As with sheitels v. headcoverings, techeiles, etc.)
Curiosity, it’s not a comparison. Rebbe Nachman’s explicit advice to his followers was to visit his kever on Rosh HaShana. Breslovers are doing just that — following his advice. If you don’t like the word advice, well then call it a custom, as Rebbe Nachman does himself (see below). Surely it’s legitimate to follow a minhag established by your rebbe?
“It is customary to go to the Tzaddik to celebrate Rosh Hashanah. Rosh Hashanah is first and foremost the Day of Judgement. But no matter how great the severity of the judgement and no matter where in the world it threatens, everything is sweetened when Jews gather around the Tzaddik on Rosh Hashanah. With so many Jewish souls gathered together and merged in abundant love, a wonderful joy and delight come into the world.”(From Likutei Eitzos, Rosh HaShana).
Also, from Chayey Moharan (#403):
“Everyone, without exception, who counts himself as one of my followers or takes heed of what I say should come to me for Rosh Hashanah. Anyone who is worthy of being with me for Rosh Hashanah should be very happy: ‘Go your way, eat the fat and drink the sweet, for the joy of the Lord is your strength’ (Nehemiah 8:10).
“The Rebbe once declared: ‘Gohr mein zach is Rosh Hashanah . . . My entire mission is Rosh Hashanah.’ He was particularly emphatic about his followers coming to him for Rosh Hashanah, and indicated on his last Rosh Hashanah in Uman that we should continue to do so even after his death.”
Itche, women don’t go to Uman for Rosh HaShana because of tznius concerns. However, many women do go at other times of the year — about 10,000 to 15,000, in fact. See the “What Women Seek in Uman” article on the website of the Breslov Research Institute.
Wolf: The issue of taking a concubine, as R’ Emden advocated, is much different, because that was a proposal by a single rabbi to overturn centuries of universal rabbinic consensus. Visiting a kever of a tzaddik on Rosh Hashana is different because there’s a lot of support for it (several generations of Breslov rabbis in various countries, Birkei Yosef, Pri ha’Aretz, Sedei Chemed, etc.), and no clear prohibition.
Not exactly, but there are many Torah ideas that are consistent with live and let live. On the other hand, we are supposed to engage in kiruv, loving all creatures and bringing them closer to Torah.
1) “Judge every person favorably” (Avos 1:6)
2) “Do not judge your fellow until you have stood in his place.” (Avos 2:5)
3) There are countless statements of Chazal about the importance of humility, and publicly criticizing other people (the alternative to “live and let live”) isn’t exactly humble.
4) Embarassing another person (such as through public criticism) is considered as bad as shedding blood.
5) I think it was Rav Hillel the Elder who said that no one in his generation was qualified to offer reproof. And that was a generation of spiritual giants!
Wolf: Yes, that’s right. It’s a core principle of chassidus that it is important to have a connection with a tzaddik, who gives you advice (above and beyond making halachic rulings) about how to achieve your tikkun, your neshama’s purpose in the world. When you have a connection to a tzaddik, and he gives you advice, of course you take it! And Rebbe Nachman’s strong advice to his followers was to come to his kever on Rosh HaShana. (The rest of his advice is compiled in Likutei Eitzos, among other places). Now, if the “tzaddik’s” advice is against halacha, then of course the answer is to get out of there and find someone else to follow. But it’s not against halacha to visit the grave of a tzaddik on Rosh HaShana.
Think about the Gra’s statement that he would have walked across Europe to meet Ramchal. If Ramchal had given him advice, do you think he would have taken it? I would think so. So it’s not necessarily just a chassidic thing. If you had stood in line to get the Chazon Ish’s blessing and he gave you advice, wouldn’t you do what he said?
I’m not an expert on this topic but here’s my 2 cents. First, Rebbe Nachman specifically told his followers to come to his kever on Rosh HaShana. Second, he also wrote (Likutei Morahan 2:109) that the graves of tzaddikim have the kedushah of eretz yisroel (“mamash” he added). It’s not surprising that non-Breslover rabbonim would rule that it is forbidden to go to Uman on Rosh HaShana (as many Israeli rabbis have). But when a great tzaddik says to do something, and you follow that tzaddik, you can and should do it.
It’s true that many people who go are not full-fledged Breslov chassidim, but nearly all of them are inspired to some degree by Breslov chassidus (for example, many are BTs or on the road to becoming BTs in part because of studying Rebbe Nachman’s works).
Also, many people who go find that it makes a huge difference in their lives. This includes women who go at other (non-Rosh HaShana times). Interestingly, though, there is apparently a small proportion of Breslov chassidim in Israel who do not believe in going to Uman — but I’m not sure who they are and what their reasoning is.
Sure, people could have spent the money on tzedakah instead. But you can say that about a bunch of things — siyum hashas, eating at restaurants, going on vacation, pesach hotels, etc.
When something bad happens, we say gamzu l’tovah (Shulchan Aruch OC 230:5), but we also examine our deeds. According to Chazal even the most trivial inconveniences are sent by Hashem as punishment (Shabbos 55a). In In Forest Fields by Rav Shalom Arush, I believe he gives many examples of something bad happening, the person taking a minute to search his deeds, find something wrong and do teshuvah, and then the “bad thing” completely resolves itself. (Rav Arush even applies this to such things as putting children to bed — if they’re misbehaving, he’ll examine his deeds and do teshuvah, and once he’s done the kids stop acting up.)
In terms of whether you should keep trying when things don’t go your way — I would keep trying unless you’re too exhausted and need a break. Ask Hashem what to do — perhaps that will clarify things. (See the Bilvavi seforim for discussions of the role of personal prayer in everyday mundane situations; Breslov seforim also have a lot of information on how we should relate to “hints” that Hashem sends us throughout the day).
The Chida said that women can be taught Gemara; they just can’t be forced to learn. Maybe Rav Soloveitchik was relying on the Chida when he permitted teaching Talmud to girls (delivering the first lecture himself)? The Lubavitcher Rebbe said that now that women are more educated in secular studies they need more intensive Jewish education, and that it is mandatory to teach them Oral Torah. But what he meant by that was Ein Yaakov, not the Gemara itself.
I hope the person you’re talking about is not your husband, c”v’s. Perhaps when the person asks forgiveness you can say, well, on the condition that you promise not be verbally abusive in the future? It could be an opportunity to talk about the way he/she treats you. Just a thought.
See Sukkah 49b — I think this what you’re looking for.
Also, probably not what you’re looking for, but see ch. 3 of Tomer Devorah by Ramak.
“Can a King allow anyone else to sit on his throne?”
I was just reading in Orchos Tzaddikim, Gate of Humility, in which the author relates a story of a king who got up among his subjects and fixed a lamp. They asked him why he would do that, because it would seem beneath his dignity, and he replied “I arose a king and returned a king.”
In any event, men are supposed to honor their wives more than themselves, and sitting at the head of a table on a birthday or anniversary seems like a reasonable way to do that.
Hakohen, good point. The crazy thing is that at least half the country opposes gay marriage. So according to Rahm Emmanuel, none of those 100 million people should be able to open a business in Chicago if they are open about their political position on gay marriage. Unbelievable. This wouldn’t have happened if Obama hadn’t come out in favor.
In Israel, the gay marriage debate will never get to this level — no prime minister would ever say you’re not welcome in my city if you’re not in favor of gay marriage, because they know that a large and growing segment of the population has traditional beliefs and is not going to change their minds. In the US, by contrast, gay rights supporters believe that public acceptance of gay marriage is inevitable.
This is a serious argument for aliyah. Orthodox Jews growing up in the US who come in contact with mainstream culture will, at least in some cases, be ashamed of their religion because it doesn’t fit with the nearly-mandatory pro-toevah views, and abandon Orthodoxy in order to not be considered “hateful” and “backward.” This will never be anywhere near as big of a problem in Israel.
For an alternate view to those quoted so far, google Rabbi Aharon Licthenstein and marriage.
According to Wikpedia, Emanuel belongs to a MO congregation in Chicago. It’s strange and unfortunate that his connection with traditional Judaism would not make him more respectful of other positions on gay marriage.
It’s also bizarre that he would try to ban a business from a city because he has the same political opinion that OBAMA HIMSELF had until a few months ago.
Anyway, he should know that according to current First Amendment jurisprudence, it is *definitely* a violation of someone’s constitutional rights to deny them a permit for a business because of that person’s religious or political views.
So the whole gay marriage thing has reached witch-hunt proportions. Maybe this is a message from Hashem that we should be looking into aliyah? It just became a little harder to raise a child to be a proud Torah Jew in the US (now that the inability for gays to marry under Orthodox Judaism will probably be denounced as some kind of crime against humanity).
Sometimes non-Orthodox talisim have the bracha written on them — in that case, I wouldn’t bring them in the bathroom!
Feif Un is correct. In fact, non-Jewish women “married” to Jewish men convert *all the time.* Much of the time the convert is the one who in effect mekarevs the Jewish husband, but it can happen the other way around too. If a man who is making teshuvah is married to a non-Jew, he should teach her about Judaism, include her in the kiruv and other Jewish activities he is involved in, have her read books, etc. Give her some time. There is no need to rush.
If within a few months it is 100% clear that she is hostile to or completely uninterested in becoming a completely observant Jew, then divorce may be needed. But in many cases, the spouse ends up converting, along with the children — which is quite a simple matter if they are under bar/bas mitzvah age and can be enrolled in an Orthodox school. As long as she is committed to remaining an Orthodox Jew even if the marriage ends, then the conversion is kosher.
If I knew someone involved making teshuvah whose kiruv rabbis were telling him to divorce her immediately and that conversion is not an option, I would tell him to run away from them and finish getting mekareved by someone else. Divorcing her immediately, especially if he loves her, is like playing G-d. How do we know Hashem does not want her and the children to convert? Rahab was a prostitute before she converted, but she merited to be the ancestor of prophets.
If he does divorce her, Hashem forbid he should shun his children and never see them again! How disgusting. Popa, can you cite a single psak that a man in this situation should do this? Derech eretz kadmah l’Torah.
Have you and your husband read Garden of Peace and Garden of Peace for Women (by Rav Shalom Arush)? These extraordinary books have helped many people (myself included). Regardless, may Hashem bless you with a happy marriage and family life as soon as possible.
Try listening to Yosef Karduner. I think he has an acappella album, or at least a few acappella songs.
“Someone who wants to develop original Torah insights may expound and innovate as much as he wants according to his level of mental attainment. The only condition is that he may not deduce any new law from insights based on expository interpretation (Drash) or mystical teachings (Sod).” (Sichos Haran #267)
Repharim, I’m sorry you have to go through that. That’s bullying for real. I hope you’re able to find another job. Lots of web designers are self-employed — have you considered that? Or maybe you could take a couple of the other employees with you and start your own design company?
Rebbe Nachman of Breslov once said, “The world labors under the misconception that a tzaddik cannot make a mistake. I say this is not so. A tzaddik can make a mistake. The mistake remains a mistake and the tzaddik remains a tzaddik.”
Rebbe Nachman “also said of certain Chassidic leaders of his day, ‘The tzaddikim are making a mistake by praying after the z’man tefillah.'” (Chayei Moharan 487).
Of course, I’m not saying this describes any people known today as gedolim, but there’s also this…
“There are leaders who go by the name of rabbi but whose learning has been picked up from the
superficialities' andwaste’ of Torah. They are unable to control even themselves, let alone other people. But they still have pretensions to greatness and seek to lead and guide the whole world. You should be very careful to accord them no recognition whatsoever so as not to add in any way to their power or authority. They themselves can be forgiven for what they do: they are no more than the victims of a strong lust for power. It is the people who give them credibility and power and who are prepared to accord them the title of rabbi who will have a heavy penalty to pay.” (Likutei Eitzos).“We should be doing this ‘seeing the good’ exercise when something we consider to be bad happens to us.”
But the Shulchan Aruch (I think OC 230:5) says one should always be accustomed to saying, “Everything the merciful one does is for the good.” Always. (It doesn’t say “always, except for the 9 days.”) Gamzu l’tovah is equally true during this time, so I think there’s nothing wrong with looking on the bright side even now (provided we’re mourning and decreasing our joy as required, etc.) Believing everything is for the best is a basic facet of emuna and bitachon, in which we are obligated at all times.
Goq, that’s from our Bible, not theirs. See Tehillim 37:11. The Xian writings quote from Tanakh a lot.
Well, if what you mean is, “Do you have to be an arrogant jerk, instead of a kind and pleasant person, in order to 1) find your bashert, 2) make a decent living, and 3) succeed at anything else you care about?”, the answer is no, thank G-d! The Gemara says that when one’s fellow man is pleased with him, so is Hashem. We are supposed to smile at everybody (Pirkei Avos), be extremely humble, and jump at the opportunity to engage in gemilus chasadim. On the other hand, we have to believe in ourselves and be self-assertive when necessary. “A person who wants to provide for those who are dependent upon him must be a person of strength and fortitude, not the opposite. A certain amount of authority and `push’ is required in order to earn money” (Likutei Moharan II, 7:10). In addition, in order to truly come close to Hashem we must “Be bold as a leopard” (Pirkei Avos) and employ a “holy forcefulness and determination” to defeat the “brazen arrogance of the body” and its desires. (Likutei Eitzos, Boldness).
I heard Rav Shlomo Aviner, a major posek of the chardali (charedi-leaning dati luemi) community in Israel, say that one should always wear tzitzis, even when it is hot — even in the army and during combat.
Look at the book The Merit of the Righteous Woman by the Biale Rebbe. You can read much of it for free on books dot google dot com, if you just search for the name of the book. It looks really fascinating.
Every person, male or female, was created to serve Hashem in his or her own particular way, through prayer, Torah study, mitzvos and other ma’asim tovim, and thereby achieve their particular soul correction (tikkun). Women, who are less violent and arrogant and more nurturing and compassionate than men, are created closer to Hashem’s ideal, so they don’t need the time-bound mitzvos and public davening to purify their souls and middos and keep them from sin. Women receive merit from the Torah and mitzvos of their husbands and children, but also from their own. Through childrearing, hospitality and chessed activities women often have more opportunities than men for gemilus chasadism, which is one of the foundations of the world (not to mention one of the mitzvos that has no measure, and which has rewards in this world but the principal reward in the world to come.)
Rav Shalom Arush, in his bestseller Garden of Peace, teaches that men cannot achieve their soul correction in this world without being married, because it is only through the process of achieving true and complete shalom bayis that his middos can be refined and his emunah/bitachon perfected. So that is one reason women were created — men cannot achieve their spiritual purpose without making them happy. 🙂
Gatesheader, like you I’m pretty far to the left on many issues, though in my case the exception is Israel (I’m also moderate/slightly-conservative on some social issues like gay rights or abortion), on which I see eye to eye with people like British writer Melanie Phillips. I think we need a good military, but the US military is too big and expensive, with useless bases all over the world. I don’t want my country to be an imperial power, forcing or pressuring various countries throughout the world to conform to its ideas and economic interests. That’s the main problem with US-Israel relations — the US acts like an imperial power, trying to force Israel to do what it wants. This leads to bad decisions, like the Gaza withdrawal.
Good suggestion. People sometimes think of the MO as Beis Hillel and charedim as Beis Shammai. Not sure if that make sense, but regardless, in Pirkei Avos, Shammai said “Receive each person with a cheerful countenance.” In other words, if you want to be truly frum then you better smile at everybody! (In Avos Rav Ishmael also says “Receive each person with simcha” — another way of saying the same thing).
I’m an attorney in a relatively low-pressure job, so I have time to check YWN a few times a day. I try not to post very often, though.
I was wondering what the halacha on this issue is. Farm workers are allowed to eat grapes while they’re harvesting, right? So what about office workers who are paid by the hour? Is it an aveira to check the news or weather or comment on a message board now and then? I heard a rabbi say that every unauthorized phone call at work is like stealing, and I saw another rabbi say that if you wasted time at work you should make it up by working unpaid overtime. Gatesheader, since you mentioned your news and weather addiciton, do you have any thoughts?
While I think cannabis is very bad, much worse than alcohol for the average person (see my comment above), and no one should even try it, I actually think it should be 100% legal. It’s insane and counter-productive to lock up hundreds of thousands of people just because they’re doing something stupid to their minds/bodies. If drug users are acting crazy and hurting people because of an addiction, then either prosecute them for real crimes they commit, or involuntarily commit them to treatment centers in extreme cases.
Another thing to consider: Some people want to use pot because they crave some kind of altered consciousness or experience. Some even want to experience spirituality through it. Don’t count on it. Jews have relied on prayer, meditation, fasting, and a little alcohol for these purposes. That’s all we need. If you’re interested in “expanding your consciousness,” rely on our historical methods, not drugs that can mess up your mind and give you mental health problems.