I agree that women should get to get their own fun party and not be shut off in an uncomfortable or poorly-located women’s section. But I have a few things to add on why men’s and women’s roles are the way they are.

Besides their traditional all-important roles in the family, women can halachically do a lot of important things traditionally associated with men: study Torah, teach Torah (whether to children or adults), write articles and books, do kiruv, start or lead organizations, have careers, etc. As snowbunny points out, in some circles women can even read the megillah to other women.

There’s a pretty small number of things only men can do, like lain or serve as shliach tzibur or get semicha or count in a minyan. It’s not because men are better. It’s because mitzvos are given to men and women in ways that complement their inner natures.

At some primal level, men need something special to do with other men that only they can do. If men don’t get that from shul they’ll look for it elsewhere, outside of Yiddishkeit. What the experience of the heterodox Jewish movements has shown is that when you say women can do everything to, then the men withdraw and want nothing to do with it, and you end up with a congregation that is mainly female.

So although it offends some people because there’s some superficial inequality, it needs to be this way to keep men involved. Men have a stronger yetzer hara (at least when it comes to things like violence, crime, addiction, gambling and oppressing other people). They need the strong pull of special mitzvos for men, especially those associated with shul, to keep them on the true path.

Divorce lawyers have pointed to Facebook and internet porn as being increasingly common causes of divorce. According to articles I’ve read, a typical thing that happens to (non-frum) people is that a married man will notice an old flame from high school or whatever on FB, and become “friends,” and communicate a bit, and this will lead to actually meeting and committing adultery. I’d be surprised if it’s a common cause of divorce among frum families. And I’m not sure it’s really true that divorce is increasing among frum Jews.

Sorry to hear about the insomnia! A few ideas:

1. Cut out all caffeine for at least a few months. Don’t even eat chocolate (which contains caffeine and the stimulant theobromine) other than in the morning.

2. First thing in the morning, get bright direct sun in your face. Obviously, don’t make yourself go blind by looking directly at the sun. But getting this bright light from the sun early has bee shown to reset your circadian rhythms.

3. Reevaluate your medications to see if insomnia is a side-effect of any of them. Change medications or cease them if necessary (obviously that should be done in consultation with a doctor).

4. Get some good exercise but only in the morning. Don’t do anything more strenuous than walking past mid-day or so. Exercising gives the body adrenaline, which acts like caffeine but is even more long-lasting.

5. Make your room extremely dark, with no light whatsoever. Get new blinds, or even duct tape thick cloth against your window if you have to.

6. Try visualization techniques in which you feel each part of your body get very tired and relaxed.

7. Even better, either in your head or softly whispering, thank Hashem for every little thing you can think of, over and over if necessary, until you fall asleep. For some reason this is very relaxing, and a little boring, so it can work really well.

8. Make sure to eat enough before going to bed, but not too much that you’re too full or that you’re not hungry for breakfast when you wake up. Try having something with carbs, protein and fat, like bread with peanut butter or hummus. (Hummus is good because it has a little garlic, which is a slight sedative.) Don’t drink water past 2-3 hours before you plan to go to bed. You might wake up in the morning really thirsty, but that’s OK.

Hatzlacha!

That’s interesting, Gatesheader. I prefer grape juice myself on most occasions. I think Rabbi Lazer Brody, an anglophone Breslover rabbi in Israel, only drinks alcohol twice a year, on Pesach and Purim, and only drinks very small amounts. R’ Shalom Arush is the same way, I understand, and says lengthy impromptu prayers before drinking, to ensure it has the positive spiritual effect rather than something neutral or negative.

Popa is right that you should consider putting them to bed somewhat earlier. Nowadays so many people, both kids and adults, are chronically sleep-deprived, which causes all kinds of problems with learning and behavior and mood.

After I first wake up my (small) children, they like to have a minute to lay in bed after waking up before they actually get out of bed. I often turn on energetic music in the living room, usually the same CD they like. That seems to work really well. Hatzlacha!

Regardless of whether it’s permitted, it’s not good to do because it’s not shabbosdik to study for a test on Shabbos (ie, it’s stressing you out, it’s preparing for your week, it’s attending to your weekday affairs.) You should probably take a nap — most teenagers (and young adults) get far less sleep than they need, and it’s a mitzvah to take care of our health. Getting enough sleep also helps your brain work better, potentially improving your exam performance. Anyway, hatzlacha!

You’re welcome! I feel really bad for people who are in these kinds of work situations — in a rational world they wouldn’t exist at all. We need doctors and such but there’s got to be a way to train people for every profession without making people miserable (and for that matter to address workplace bullying as soon as it starts).

Oy — I’m so sorry you have to deal with such a stressful work environment! I would say to quit and find another job — since there are many “toxic” work environments and the best thing is often to leave, since they’re too hard to change. But if you’re in a training program I know it may be impossible to switch to a different one. In any event, I hope you’re not facing years of the same ugly work environment.

There’s no reason to be embarrassed for who you are! Everyone has their own challenges. Some people are very sensitive to stress and criticism, and that’s one of their challenges. It doesn’t make you better or worse than anybody else. In some Torah sources the ideal is to achieve a level in which someone can insult you to your face but it doesn’t bother you — “Let my soul be like dust to those curse me” — but few people achieve that, and it can take a lifetime.

It can be painful or embarrassing to think about past negative experiences (like crying in front of coworkers). Just not thinking about them can help. When thoughts about them do arise, don’t beat yourself up about it — instead, thank Hashem for the challenges he’s given you.

It may seem absurd to thank Him for seemingly bad things, but it’s even in the Shulchan Aruch that one should always say, whatever the merciful one does is for the best. (This approach is explained in much detail in the book Garden of Gratitude by R’ Arush.) If you think about it a bit, you can usually think of some way in which what happened was really for the best.

I also recommend spending a few minutes, maybe 10 minutes a day, of prayer in your own words each day not only thanking Hashem for everything, but also asking for strength and guidance in dealing with your job.

You might also find repeating a certain phrase in your mind (for example, “Lord of hosts, happy is the man who trusts in you” from Tehillim, as recommended in the Yerushalmi) while you’re at work. As snowbunny suggested, a few deep breaths (with your eyes closed, and focusing your thoughts on one simple thing — like the greatness of G-d or your love for G-d or His love for you) can work wonders, if done several times throughout the day.

Anyway, I hope this helps, and may Hashem help you succeed in every way!

In my view, the right answer is definitely to never friend.

If you never friend, they’ll assume either that you hardly ever use Facebook and you didn’t notice their request, or that you have a policy of only accepting friend requests from people you’d consider real friends (as opposed to just acquaintances) — and there’s nothing wrong with such a policy. Everyone should understands it’s kind of ridiculous to friend every person you meet, even though that’s what most people seem to do.

If you accept the friend request, they will receive a triumphant notification indicating that you’ve accepted the request. If at some point they decide to look at your page and see that you’re no longer friends, they’ll think you looked at their profile, saw something that made you dislike them, and then de-friended them for that reason. In other words, some people will notice being defriended, and interpret it negatively in an insecure or paranoid way. Never friending is less likely to hurt someone’s feelings.

Just because someone got smicha from an online or less-well-known yeshivah doesn’t mean they don’t deserve the title. Yeshivat Pirkei Shoshanim requires its students to pass the Rabbanut’s smicha exam, so they at least have to know something.

More generally, people who get smicha through such places aren’t necessarily doing it so they can get a title they don’t deserve or aggrandize themselves. A lot of people either didn’t have the opportunity to go to a regular yeshivah, because they became BTs at a late age or whatever, and simply take the smicha course as a way to challenge themselves to increase the level of their Torah knowledge. Even if these places became so widespread that nearly all men have smicha, I don’t see what’s wrong with that — it would probably increase the overall level of Torah study and observance.

In practice, anyway, if someone seems like a talmid chacham and people refer to him as rabbi, then call him rabbi regardless of whether he has smicha at all, or regardless of whether you know where he has smicha from.

If someone is bothered by their own feeling that people with less knowledge than you have smicha, because unlike them the person never went to the trouble to get smicha, then I would say that person should go ahead and get smicha already if they deserve it so much.

Of course, if places are giving away smicha without requiring people to learn anything, that’s a problem and people should keep that in mind when deciding whether to take someone’s halachic views seriously or call them a rabbi. But that doesn’t mean each graduate from such places is inadequate in their knowledge.

This should be obvious, and I’m sure it’s not a problem for frum families, but a man should never say anything to his wife about the attractiveness of any other woman (or even confide in her that he’s having problems guarding his eyes). I’ve even heard it’s a bad idea to praise any other woman in any manner (even regarding positive character traits, etc.). A wife should really feel her husband only has eyes for him in every possible way.

Unfortunately, I think among non-observant or non-Jewish people who’ve never heard of the concept of tznius or guarding one’s eyes, it’s common for men to comment about other women (whether it’s celebrities or “real” people.) I think this causes a lot of fights and unhappiness.

Of course, one should also never say such things in front of one’s daughters. I read a story about someone getting plastic surgery who was doing it basically because, given the comments about other women she heard her dad making growing up, she felt she was worthless unless she had a certain kind of body. Very sad.

When I was a kid I bit my nails. I just prayed to stop, and somehow that was enough. Prayer works for everything — spend a minute or two praying a day to stop the habit, and perhaps it will work. We should pray for all our needs, even comparatively trivial things like minor bad habits.

Just wondering — is it a violation of the laws of yichud to drive alone with a date?

On the topic of the Toronto region, does anyone know anything about the Buffalo frum community (for example, in terms of friendliness, or how modern or yeshivish or chassidish it is?) Buffalo’s just two hours from Toronto, I think, maybe less. A friend of mine is considering relocating to Buffalo for a job.

I said earlier that I could care less about my family and friend’s political opinion on this issue, but now I realize there’s an exception to that. If my own kids were pro-toeiva marriage I would be a little worried that it would make them more likely to act on any desires for toeiva that they ever might have, c”v’s, and then end up going OTD. May Hashem save us from such situations! Adults who are already frum, though, I’m not so worried about.

Actually, the toeiva marriage issue is one of the only things that kind of makes me want to make aliyah. Sure, the far-left in Israel is just as pro-toeiva as the liberals here. But at least in Israel we wouldn’t have the prime minister talking about toeiva “liberation” or whatever in every speech, as we do now with Obama and many other Democrats. And since Israel is a more conservative country and definitely moving further in that direction for demographic reasons, it just seems impossible for toeiva marriage to happen there. Here, on the other hand, it’s very hard to raise kids without them being exposed all the time to the idea that opposing toeiva is evil and outdated and even akin to racism.

Yekke2, please don’t refer to him as Rebbe “N-Nachman.” I assume that was a joke related to the Na-Nachs? It’s important to understand that the “Na-Nachs” are only a tiny proportion of today’s Breslovers, and they only began in the 20th century.

Ben Levi, that’s interesting and I see what you’re saying, but not every line in the Gemara has halachic significance. A person approving of toeivah marriage in secular law is misguided, and certainly they should learn this Gemara and its commentaries, but are they transgressing? They’re just an individual with an opinion, which has no effect on the government. What if there’s a totally unrelated mitzvah they’re not fulfilling? Then shouldn’t we focus on that, if we’re trying to influence them?

Very good question! It should be obvious that any form of racism is against the Torah. It is forbidden to use derogatory names to refer to individuals, so of course it also forbidden to refer to racial or cultural groups in such a manner. It is also an aveira to hurt anyone with words. And we are supposed to judge everyone favorably, and learn from every person (Avos). Don’t despise anyone, since every person has his hour (Avos.)

This is a very important issue, since for the vast majority of Americans and people in other countries, it is obvious that racism is wrong. So it is a huge chillul Hashem when any frum Jew says or does anything racist. Being non-racist is part of what “derech eretz” entails now. If we want to be a light to the nations we have to abide by the minimal standards of decency of society — and then to show non-Jews that the Torah allows us to go beyond derech eretz and be even better people.

The leader of Breslov chassidus in America a couple generations ago, R’ Aryeh Tzvi Benzion Rosenfeld, wore only a short beard, and I think at times was “clean shaven.” In general, all chassidim wear beards, but Breslov is a more individualistic, and well, you can belong to a Chabad kiruv shul, daven Nusach Ari, consider yourself a Chabadnik, but not wear a beard and maintain a Modern Orthodox appearance.

I didn’t realize R’ Akiva Tatz is a physician — thanks for the reference. I took a quick look at stats on waiting times for specialist appointments and surgery. Canada the UK had longer waiting times than the US (I assume this is for the lucky ones who have insurance!), but Germany and the Netherlands had the same or shorter waiting times. Like I said earlier, each country is different. Here, the VA used to be awful, and now it’s in great shape.

In terms of such things as life expectancy, Western European countries have higher life expectancy than the US regardless of how you measure it; they also have much lower infant mortality. The main cause for all these additional deaths in the US is the lack of universal health care here(although the presence of more intense poverty here is also an important cause by itself.)

It’s true that government policies encouraged banks to give mortgages that people couldn’t pay back. But that wouldn’t have caused a global financial meltdown if it weren’t for the fact that these mortgages were securitized (and then became a large proportion of the holdings of major banks). They wouldn’t have been securitized if it weren’t for financial deregulation.

The other countries you mentioned such as Ireland and Portugal aren’t really examples of the European social model — they have basically the lowest social spending in Europe. The Northwestern European countries have bigger welfare states that are much more sustainable, for various reasons (such as high employment rates to ensure the policies get paid for).

I don’t think it’s reasonable to blame the unemployment rate on Obama; the financial crisis started under Bush and then led directly to the loss of millions of jobs. Maybe Obama could have done more to keep those jobs from going away, but that’s not an easy thing to do. I don’t think a Republican administration would have done any better (actually, it could have been worse if there were no stimulus and they didn’t bail out GM).

Do you drink coffee? It can both exacerbate stress and cause stomach upset in some people? Also, I recommend trying relaxation exercises in which you focus on completely relaxing one body part at a time, including your stomach. Finally, I recommend going to a reputable acupuncturist — it may not help with all conditions, but I know someone with stress and stomach issues who was helped a lot by it. Refuah shleimah!

About whether the poor should vote, you may be surprised by this, but the taxation systems in the most “socialist” economies (such as Scandinavia) are actually pretty regressive. The poor pay tons of taxes there, because a large proportion of revenues are produced through sales and VAT taxes. Regardless, universal suffrage is here to stay. I don’t think any Torah critique of it (if such a thing really exists) would ever be convincing enough to do away with it and restrict voting rights; there’s probably a good counter-argument anyway.

I mean, when the Orthodox become the majority in Israel (which will happen sometime in the next few decades), do you really think they’d say, well, we’re going to implement halacha now, and only the well-off can vote? No way. Everybody should have a say in elections. It’s a settled question, at least until Moshiach arrives (and by then perhaps elections will be unnecessary because there won’t be any problems for governments to worry about.)

DY: Good idea, but why don’t the Mods delete this thread as RebDoniel requested? I don’t understand on what basis they could decline his request. He said his original post was untrue and hurt people’s feelings. At least erase the original post, if for some reason the mods want to preserve the rest of this thread.

I don’t believe it’s true that progressive taxation to fund poor relief (what you’re calling Robin Hood policies) is forbidden. See these halachic sources (from an online course by Chabad shliach R’ Nochum Mangel):

In a place in which there is the custom or the desire to levy a

single tax for all needs together, the method of taxation

should be essentially according to wealth. For according to Torah law, all we collect for all these needs to be according to

wealth [not on a per capita basis]. (SHuT Tsits Eliezer, 22, p. 122)

and [to provide] wages for police and guardsmen. (Shulchan Aruch, Choshen Mishpat 163:1, 2)

each other to contribute. (Rema on Choshen Mishpat 163:1)

All the householders who pay taxes should be assembled and

all should resolve to say their opinion [i.e., state their opinion

and cast their vote for it] for the sake for heaven and then follow the majority. If the minority refuses, the majority has the

opinion is ignored and we follow the majority of those who

speak. (Rema, Choshen Mishpat 163:1)

The general principle is: Any law that a king decrees to be universally applicable, and not merely applying to one person, is

not considered robbery. But whenever he takes from one person alone in a manner that does not conform to a known law,

but rather seizes the property from the person arbitrarily, it is

Gershomi, to answer your last question, if it is unclear whether a person’s gerus (or their mother’s gerus) was valid, then it is common for the person to undergo a gerus l’chumra to ensure the person is Jewish. It’s just like a normal conversion process (accepting the mitzvos, etc.), except that afterward, the question “are you a ger” is a little complicated. If the original conversion was valid, then you’re not a ger, but if it wasn’t, then you are. Either way, the person has undergone gerus, and that’s nothing to be ashamed of. In terms of whether you have the status of a levite if your father was a levite, I don’t know! But anyway, getting back to “hatafa,” since the person (well in this case a man) was already circumcised, the conversion involves hatafas dam bris instead of a regular circumcision.

It seems fairly common for people with non-Jewish mothers but Jewish fathers to convert halachically. Dov ben Avraham, the author of a recent book on chassidic perspectives on gerim (and author of the A Simple Jew blog), is a ger with a Jewish father. Some rabbis believe that people who are descended from Jews but aren’t Jewish (especially with a Jewish father) should actually be encouraged to convert, or at least accepted without the initial discouragement required of normal converts.

In any event, welcome to the CR, and hatzlacha with figuring out your status! May Hashem lead you on the right path. In the meantime, keep davening, fasting on Yom Kippur, etc. As far as you know so far, your mom’s gerus was valid. I wouldn’t worry about your prayers falling on “deaf ears” — I’m sure Hashem appreciates your efforts to get close to Him and do His will. If you have any doubts that Hashem desires the prayers of non-Jews as well as Jews, read through (or better yet, recite) the book of Tehillim (Psalms). King David is always calling on all people (even animals, trees, etc.) to praise Hashem.