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Ideally a shidduch database could work but I wonder how many people put themselves on it?
That’s my problem with Shidduch World, it’s a great concept and hopefully it will help people but I think it needs to be on a much larger scale. For it to be really useful it would have to become the new “normal” thing to do when looking for a shidduch. I think it could be done in a short amount of time by making the website more shadchan friendly so they will ask everyone who comes to them for a shidduch to register on the database. I think the major obstacle an idea like this faces is who gets paid when a shidduuch is made this way but it can be worked out if someone is willing to put the time in.
Happy girl: I agree with you which is why I’m willing to deal with a shadchan on occasion. I just think that there needs to be a better way for a shadchan to match people up. It would be cool to have a database system (kind of like shidduch world) that had a questionnaire singles would fill out and it would automatically find potential matches for them on a continuing basis until they mark themselves as unavailable. The hard part is deciding what questions to put on it b/c everyone has different opinions of what’s important. Maybe you could have a basic section and the questions you’ll be asked next will depend on your answers, so a working boy may get one set of questions and a learning boy another.
“I dated a few guys who said they use singles events as “comedy clubs” to see all the “poor” girls out there and then they talk about it with their friends and have a good laugh.”
Wow, so not only were they total jerks but they didn’t even try to hide it, you were right to get rid of them. It is true that there are some great guys out there but honestly IMO not that many, I consider myself to be the best guy I know and I’m not that great, JK (sort of). So if you do meet one you like do yourself a favor and don’t stop going out with him over something stupid.
As a working guy in my 20’s who is not quite yeshivish or modern I can tell you that although I have gone to a shadchan before (and probably will again) I prefer not to. In my case it seemed like the shadchan was basing who he set up by his opinions of them based on a five minute meeting and with no real knowledge of them. I’m not saying he was a bad guy but I think the system is inefficient and I’d rather be set up by someone who really knows me and the girl. Just b/c I’m working and a girl is looking for a working guy doesn’t mean were perfect for each other. I think the idea behind Shidduchworld is a good one that should be expanded to include more detailed information and there needs to be a way for it to work with all willing shadchanim so there will be more singles listed.
havesomeseichel, I think in most cases it’s the boys mother that comes up with the size requirements which is obviously ridiculous. I know that “on the thin side” is vague and up for interpretation but I think it’s better than requesting a particular size or weight.
“I say give a picture, at least you can send a very nice one and not risk them somehow getting a hold of a picture of the girl that is not flattering.”
I definitely agree with that, from the guys point of view I like to see a picture so I know there’s a possibility that she’s attractive. It doesn’t have to be a professional photo shoot, but it should give an idea of what she looks like. Also if your daughter has a facebook account make sure that she doesn’t have unflattering pictures of her on there, it’s amazing what people put up, even with good intentions.
I have mixed feelings on this, in one case I agreed to go out with a girl before I saw pictures of her and then I saw some pictures before the first date and it made me a lot less excited to go on the date. When I actually saw her in person I wasn’t even sure she was the same person, she was so much better looking, it was just a bad picture. On the other hand the last girl I went out with did not provide a picture, and if she had I might have saved her time and feelings by not going out in the first place.
In general if you don’t provide a picture it will be assumed that there is something you’re trying to hide. I’m not saying that it’s fair and maybe the system should be changed but you probably shouldn’t try to change it by yourself b/c it could hurt your daughter in the meantime.
“I wasnt intentionally leaving out 8 and 10, i just did not bother to write out every size i think is acceptable because there is “no acceptable size”. As long as they are healthy, that is all that matters.”
To some extent that is true but there is nothing wrong with me saying that I only want to go out with a girl that is on the thin side. Naming a specific size is probably taking it too far (I don’t care to know anything about sizes of girls clothing) but I know that there is a general type of girl that I am attracted to and there is nothing wrong with that.
C.S.: What about the boys is weird? I think most people have problems dealing with their parents regarding shidduchim. It’s supposed to be so easy for boys to get dates, yet my parents have been trying to get me to go out with the same couple of girls that I don’t want to go out with. I even had to remind them once that the girl they wanted me to go out with got married the week before (I think they were invited to the wedding). Parents always think they know what’s best for their kids, they’ve known you since you were born and probably seen you do a lot of stupid things (we all do). It’s not easy for them to see you as an adult capable of making mature decisions without their help. In my case I have people other than my parents that can find dates for me. I still ask my parents advice and they manage to say the opposite of what I want to hear a lot and they happen to be right a frustrating amount of times.
In any case I agree with the other posts about giving some boys a second date even if they seemed weird. I know I’ve said things on first dates that I never would have imagined I would say. If your mother sees that you’re giving every guy a fair chance maybe she’ll realize that you’re not the problem.
AZOI.IS: I’m surprised to hear that, I’ve talked to a lot of people (male & female, single & married) about this and you’re the first one I found that didn’t have at least a few stories of crazy reasons girls have given for not wanting to go out again.
“and are getting rejected more than rejecting”
I’m not necessarily saying that the girls are doing all the rejecting just that they seem to be more likely to do so for silly reasons. Would you disagree with that? Maybe the girls I’ve gone out with were just not ready, but my limited experiences have bordered on insanity (on the girls part).
“I’ve observed that the girls are much more willing to give things a chance and consider Shidduchim even if its not their fantasy Shidduch.”
I completely disagree. IMO girls are far less likely to agree to a second date than guys are, most guys feel that it’s not right to say no to a second date unless you can tell 100% that there’s no way the Shidduch will work (e.g. embarrassed to be seen with the girl. Many girls on the other hand believe that everything has to be perfect on the first date and will say no b/c of something ridiculous like the guy not answering one of their questions with the exact answer they wanted. Once you get past the second date and presumably the issue of attraction is out of the way, girls are also more likely to end things b/c something wasn’t perfect. Of course there are many good reasons not to continue to go out with someone but from what I’ve seen/heard in the cases where everything seems to be compatible, it’s almost always the girls ending it and. I know that I’m biased b/c I am a man and I am basing part of my opinion on my own experiences and those of my friends but all you have to do is talk to some shadchanim and I think you’ll find most would agree with me. I’m not trying to say that guys are perfect, I’ll agree that there are plenty of guys who act like idiots when dating.
It is an interesting idea but there needs to be a lot more people using it for it to be real useful. Maybe they can work into the system a way for other shadchanim to add information on their existing “clients”. I know it’s difficult to get shadchanim to work together but I think that would be great. The website is done very well and I hope it’s successful.
“I know how you feel as an “older” singler (early 20’s)”
I know it’s different for girls but early 20’s really is still young. Now I’m curious, I know it’s not polite to ask but , Smileyface, if you don’t mind saying around how old are you?
Smileyface: You say that you feel left out when your classmates speak about their husbands and kids, maybe that is the problem. Your classmates may notice that you’re feeling that way and are avoiding you so they don’t make you uncomfortable. like NY MOM said you should try taking the lead in the conversation and I’ll add that you should even talk to them about their husbands/kids so they won’t feel they have to avoid talking about the most important people in their lives.
“”If you know how to use them properly, your information can be private.”
“Of course you should always assume that anything you put on the internet will be public…”
? “
It actually makes sense. What I’m saying is that with the proper settings facebook and twitter can be made to keep your information private, meaning that random people will not see your info just by searching for your name. That said you should be aware that there are people with malicious intent who can possibly break into your account regardless of how secure it is. In other words you can share stuff with your friends and family but you should always use caution and think before you post.
Facebook and Twitter are just tools, you can use them for good or bad, it’s up to you. If you know how to use them properly, your information can be private. Of course you should always assume that anything you put on the internet will be public b/c it’s possible someone will hack into your account.
If the music is inappropriate whether it’s Jewish or not I could see being upset. You do have to realize that even if the business is owned by a Jew they may need non Jewish customers to stay in business. In general I don’t believe that just b/c music is made by a non jew it is not good. Music has incredible effect on the human mind and can have a good or bad influence. Just as an example what is wrong with a song like “Stairway to Heaven” by Led Zepplin or “Accidents can Happen” by Sixx AM? on the other hand the band Disturbed may have a Jewish singer but their lyrics are angry and sometimes inappropriate.
“Maybe we should focus our attention on WHY people are letting their true zivug get away????”
Good point, I think a big part of the problem is that many girls think everything has to be perfect to get married. So even if they do find the “perfect” guy they’re not going to know how to handle it when something does go wrong, and something always does. So what can be done about it? I have no idea.
I keep hearing that there is a shidduch crisis b/c there are so many more girls out there than guys and that boys are too picky. Maybe it’s b/c I’m a guy but I see a completely different side of the story. Why is there so little talk about how picky the girls are? I’ve heard lots of stories of girls, especially older ones, saying no to guys for ridiculous reasons. It would seem to be logical that girls would be more understanding and patient when dating considering that it’s supposed to be so hard out there for them. Yet from what I hear and see that is far from the case, most guys I know don’t like going out with older girls for this reason. I think the real problem is one of priorities, too many guys are looking for money, and too many girls are looking for the perfect guy. In other words it’s not just a shidduch crisis, it’s a bigger problem with our society valuing the wrong things.