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  • February 19, 2015 6:12 pm at 6:12 pm in reply to: Almost 30- is it too late for me to even try? #1060435
    yearning4learning
    Member

    I just wanted to thank everyone so much again for all your feedback, encouragement, discouragement, guidance and – to each and every poster – genuine kindness that has truly meant the world during this very confusing and conflicting time. I certainly have a lot to think about! 🙂

    I’ve decided “not to decide” for now, to just learn all I can and trust that I will end up where I’m meant to be.

    Thank you all so much again. I was initially very hesitant about posting here but you have ALL been so generous with your time and feedback. I wish you all a beautiful Sabbath and, whether I convert or not, will continue to respect and appreciate all you are doing to keep Jewishness alive in the world with your mitzvot.

    Kol hakavod – my deepest respect.

    February 18, 2015 12:30 am at 12:30 am in reply to: Almost 30- is it too late for me to even try? #1060434
    yearning4learning
    Member

    Thanks hakohen53 for your contribution. I understand that Judaism does not encourage conversion, I’m just trying to find out as much information as I can, so I can realistically assess whether or not this is something I should pursue.

    I have heard of Aish and in fact know many Jews who became religious through this organization (less through Chabad, but I know a couple of them as well). Through their materials, I’ve read about intermarriage and how subsequent generations will be lost to Judaism. I identify with these “lost Jews”, or people who should have been Jewish but aren’t because of their family circumstance. And a growing part of me wants desperately to “return” (although I guess that would be more of a baal tehuva term), I just presently lack the strength in emunah to do so (and also information – I am just trying to learn all I can and hold off making any decisions for the time being).

    I guess I’m in a bit of a weird place because halachically, obviously, I’m not or would never be considered a baal teshuva, but because I grew up with such a strong Jewish enthocultural presence in my home, I don’t really identify with converts either.

    It would be interesting to learn how many converts come from a partial Jewish background because I think this puts us in a unique situation (not any better or worse than other converts, just different). Also, a lot of situations I’ve heard of baal teshuvas struggling with, i.e. their non-religious families being defensive about not keeping kosher, are very familiar to me. Where some converts without any prior connection to Judaism have a divine experience or are spiritual seekers, my Jewish roots have played a strong part in my growing desire to pursue conversion, because I feel like, in spite of all my fears and doubts, a Jew is who I am at my core.

    In any case, I know it’s a complicated issue that I don’t expect to resolve right away. I very much appreciate your kind wishes and feedback. Many thanks to everyone else as well. 🙂

    February 17, 2015 6:54 am at 6:54 am in reply to: Almost 30- is it too late for me to even try? #1060427
    yearning4learning
    Member

    Thank you all so much for your responses. I am truly grateful and humbled that each of you took the time to read about my situation and give your honest advice. Your encouragement has renewed my faith in my spiritual exploration at this stage in my life.

    I suppose I should also mention I am a woman, which is probably why shidduch is a particular concern (from the religious friends I have spoken to, I understand that there are significantly more single women than men in the religious world). I have many other fears, such as estrangement from my secular family, who I am very close to (and who sadly have a very “typical” secular opinion of Orthodox Judaism), but that’s a whole other can of worms. I think perhaps all these worries are creating walls around me, and that is why I am unable to cultivate a strong enough faith to move forward.

    In spite of it all, however, I do feel a growing desire to become a true bat Yisrael and return to something that I feel was lost to me. I still remember how awestruck I was when I attended my first Orthodox kabbalat shabbat, and I saw people so connected, so fully immersed in their joy of G-d that they were literally shaking (or ‘shucking’, as my religious friends later told me it was called :-P). I still remember wondering what it must feel like to experience this tremendous, indomitable faith. I think it I had it, matters like shidduch and schools and family quarrels and any other future challenges I’d face would seem trivial in comparison.

    When I was in Israel I met some non-Jews who were converting insincerely, just so they could marry their Jewish Israeli boyfriends or girlfriends, without any real faith or plans to live an observant Jewish life afterwards. That is just not me – I could never go ahead with something as massive as conversion if I wasn’t prepared to leap in with both feet and real, genuine faith.

    I have tried speaking to G-d lately, which is completely new thing for me. I don’t speak Hebrew or even know how to pray properly. In truth, I don’t really know how to faith at all. Maybe as I learn more about the teachings, faith will follow. In the mean time, I have derived some comfort from this quote from Psalm 119:18, which I find myself turning to again and again:

    “Open my eyes, that I may see the wonders of Your Torah.”

    Thank you all so much again for your replies, I cannot tell you how much I appreciate them. 🙂

    Lila tov!

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