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Close enough; I used to work on 46th Street.
I don’t know who you are, and I already have a Twitter account; I’m just too retarded to use it.
HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON? I DID NOT POST THIS: I’m actually still thinking about it. (How’s that for a bad joke?)
IS SOMEONE USING MY NAME SOMEHOW???
Happysnappy: With all due respect, I get these little criticisms all the time, ostensibly from people who like what I write. Thank you for your advice. However, obviously not everything I write is gonna be liked by everyone. I like “Your Humble Servant” and ultimately I’m the one who makes the decision about how to sign my letters. Incidentally, I don’t “always sign off” that way; when I don’t feel it’s appropriate I don’t use it.
Froggie: I’m me like you’re you?
I’m actually still thinking about it. (How’s that for a bad joke?)
Dunno. Am I being argued?
Q. What’s blue and smells like red paint?
A. Blue paint.
(Think about it)
Hodulashem: Someone in shul told me I was being discussed. So I figured, hey! I’ve finally hit the big time, I better go check it out!
Hey, P2TM; thanks for sticking up for me. You’re fast becoming my favorite kid sister!
Thank you for your kind words, bubby. All you guys are really making me feel pressured to be funny again!
Daas Yochid…In the interest of full disclosure: the moderator had nothing to do with it. I went over his head to the editorial board…
Boy,the hoops I have to jump through just to prove I’m me!
Best Bubby, what did you think the title was?
The final marriage ended (and, incidentally, began as well) in 2008. The FJJ started publishing in 2010, so obviously the letter writing had nothing to do with it. No; Malkie realized quite quickly what an absolute pain in the neck I am to live with.
I was blocked too, and I’m pure as the driven snow. In Brooklyn.
Here, for all you doubting Thomases (or Shloimies or Yankies or Berels) is the “Know your FJJ” quiz in its entirety:
Know Your FJJ!
As you probably know, the Flatbush Jewish Journal recently celebrated its third anniversary (or is it birthday?). During the past three years we have been able to rely on the FJJ to inform, enlighten and entertain us. These hallowed pages are home to some wonderful columnists, chashuva rabbonim and, of course, the Letters Department.
As always,
Rocky
1. Which of the following is considered the most goyish?
A. Gefilte Fish
B. Tuna Fish
C. Mendy Fisch
D. Sushi
2. What electronic device should not be brought to shul under any circumstances?
A. A toaster
B. An electric stapler
C. A cattle prod
D. A cell phone
3. Where should the aforementioned device be stored before entering your shul?
A. In your shoe
C. In the third car of the choo-choo train in Kids-N-Action
D. In the specially built cubbies provided by the shul
4. What was the subject of the Asifa held at Citifield on May 20, 2012?
A. A fishing net
B. Annette Funicello
C. Ah net funn ah violin
D. The Internet
5. What was the outcome of the aforementioned Asifa?
A. The Internet was declared assur
B. The Internet was declared muttar
C. The Internet was declared a vast right-wing conspiracy
D. Nobody knows (not even the people who were there!)
6. Why is there a shiddach crisis?
A. The boys are too young
B. The girls are too old
C. The girls are too heavy
D. The boys are too picky
E. The boys are in the freezer
F. The girls are in the washing machine
G. The shadchanim all had lobotomies
H. The shadchanim all need lobotomies
I. The parents are unrealistic
J. The parents are over-protective
K. The parents are insane
L. All of the above
M. None of the above
N. It depends who you ask
7. Where is it mandatory for girls to spend a year studying after high school if they want to stand a chance of ever snagging a guy with the right amount of chromosomes?
A. A convent in Tibet
B. An ashram in New Delhi
D. A seminary in Eretz Yisroel
8. What pictures does the FJJ have a policy not to publish?
A. Mini-skirts
B. Minnie Mouse
C. Minnie Minoso
D. Women
9. Why is it assur to go to the circus?
A. The cotton candy is treif
B. The ringmaster wears shatnez
C. Too many goyim
D. The elephants are depressed
10. Which of the following is one reason people change shuls in Flatbush?
A. Too much talking
B. Not enough talking
C. Rabbinical halitosis
D. All of the above
11. Which of the following Purim costumes is the most goyish?
A. Elmo
B. Darth Vader
C. Pope John Paul II
D. Santa Claus
12. Which costumes are okay to wear on Purim?
A. Mordechai
B. Esther
D. All of the above
13. Which of the following New York icons got dressed up as
an African-American basketball player on Purim?
A. Mayor Bloomberg
B. Willis Reed
C. Duane Reade
D. None of the above
14. Where should you never hang a bag of shaimos?
A. On a clothesline
B. On a wall at the Guggenheim
C. On a towel rack at the mikva
D. On the side-view mirror of a shaimos truck
15. Why was Hurricane Sandy sent?
A. Too much loshon horoh in Flatbush
B. Too much pritzus in Greenwich Village
D. All of the above
16. Why did a lady write in to complain about the woman sitting behind her in shul on Rosh Hashana?
A. She hit her in the head with a brick
B. She brought her pet bullfrog, Marvin, to shul with her
C. She was davening too low
D. She was davening too loud
A. The parties are too goyish
D. The parties promote shtuss and bitul Torah
18. Why is it a good idea for all men in Flatbush to carry a tape measure at all times?
A. To measure the distance from your car to the fire hydrant
B. To measure the brim of the Borsalino that someone lost on 26th and L
D. To measure how many inches the hem of the skirt is from the knee of a mannequin in a store window
19. According to a sign recently hung at the entrance to a local supermarket, not returning your shopping cart after unloading your groceries is tantamount*
to_______________________________:
A. Talking in shul
B. Looking at pictures of women
C. Talking to pictures of women
D. Stealing
20. Which of the following is not a columnist in the FJJ, but should be?
A. Rocky Marciano
B. Rocky Balboa
C. Rocky the Flying Squirrel
D. None of the above.
Answers to quiz: 1. D 2.D 3.D 4.D 5.D 6.N 7.D 8.D 9.D 10.D 11.D 12.D 13.D 14.D 15.D 16.D 17.D 18.D 19.D 20.D
Key to how smart you are:
All answers right: Brilliant!
Some answers right: Average
No answers right: Please contact Dr. Philip Wengleheim at 555-732-0400 to schedule your first therapy session.
PS Note to Rabbi David Zaback. Two things:
Kol Tuv,
RZ
Hey, Golfer, you mean you’re actually convinced that I’m me?
Golfer: if you’re referring to last year’s quiz, I’m not sure but o think i have a copy somewhere. Or are you referring to “alphabet soup” from the January 16 issue?
BZZZZZZZ! I’m sorry that is incorrect. Their names were Frenchi, Chaye and Malkie and the marriages lasted 25 yrs, 22 months, and 177 days respectively. Or not so respectively
I’ve got a better question. What are the first names of your three wives, and how long did each marriage last?
“Let’s do a reddit style Rocky Zweig AMA”?? Does anyone in here speak English?
PS Sorry Best Bubby, no can do. Do you have any idea how many people ask me to mention them? If I started acquiescing to every request, I wouldn’t have time to write anything else!
Thanks for sticking up for me, Best Bubby! 🙂
Yashi and Pember were my daughter Feige’s childhood imaginary friends
PS The title of this week’s letter will be “Sorry, no humor this week, either!” Unless, of course, Mordy decides to change it, which is never outside the realm of possibility.
What’s an OP?
Great idea! It’s another laff riot. This time about…wait for it…the Holocaust! It’s a response to two letters from this week’s FJJ, one signed “Hatzlochah!” and one signed “Keeping Hashem in the Picture.” Of course, there’s never a guarantee that everything I write makes it into the paper, but that’s what I’ve submitted.
-R.
Okay, how do I prove that I’m me?
Hi. It’s me, Rocky.