YN coffee room isnt a place for a “last confession” , as a licensed professional who strictly deals with teens “at risk” maybe you need to change your venting venue , a father / big brother figure for one , and if your missing that as well there are amazing programs across the world in all jewish communities for “kids” like yourself (ie: Ohr Navah , Ohr Yitzchak , Our Place and the list goes on , and thats just in the Flatbush community). I find it kids have an easier time talking to other kids in similar situations to try and grow , its up to you to prove them all wrong but conceding to their presumptions and attacks on your capabilities by thinking of committing self bodily harm or worse is not the direction you need be heading , bec g-d knows if that is how you are going to talk/act then yes your right you’ll never get a shidduch ect.. stop placing blame on others (even if said people ARE a fault – bec that will do you nothing even if they were to admit their wrongs you’d still feel depressed and distraught ) and get passed this struggle with the right help ! Sincerely a stranger who cares