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I have a few friends who went there. The school does not allow you to wear denim while you are there for seminary, but some girls when they come back start wearing denim skirts again. The hashkafa is similar to ateres but there are no hair rules from what I can recall. Some girls sneak in phones that are not kosher. Typically, these phones are text phones that slide as opposed to blackberrys/ iphones/ androids. They have an email service in the dorm that you have to pay $40 to use.
The most important thing in searching for a seminary/ being prepared for the interviews is to try to speak to girls who went there a few years ago (like your seniors when you were freshman in hs) and also speak to a girl who is there now. Yes, every year is different but when choosing a seminary, you are trying to grow in a way that the growth should stay with you for a long time. Also, try to come up with at least five questions to ask whoever is interviewing you. The way that they answer your questions will be a key factor in determining if you get accepted if you should go there. I asked the person who interviewed me for a seminary a question and his reaction was not so great. I got accepted so I went, but I ended up leaving because I did not notice any of the red flags until I got there (for me, the other girls had a blast there).
get him involved in a youth group like pirchei, camp nageela, chill zone (oorah). Maybe try to encourage him to do chessed once a week in a nursing home (like on sundays).
My parents are divorced. As I am looking for my shidduch, I have had to seriously think about what I need in a marriage as opposed to what my mother would want. Part of the hishtadlus was that since I have been entertaining the idea of shidduchim for over a year that I made sure to find a family that I could get close with. What I saw in their home as time went on is that they were not happily married but felt stuck together.
Although I no longer really speak to this family, I discovered that issues that will come up in the home like hashkafic differences, mental health issues/other medical issues such as asthma (there are certain types of illnesses that I can’t have a spouse with, but for most other cases, he really needs to be someone who is committed to working through them), differing backgrounds, upbringing, how you raise your own children and even how you form relationships with other people should be factors used to determine who you end up getting set up with.
After I realized that, I ended up really changing my hashkafic and pretty much my entire shidduch criteria because I realized that in real life, making the initiative is always more important than the end result.
I hear that, but i know people who have taken bipolar medication. The problem with it is that as with many psychiatric medications. I know there are people with bipolar who are amazing people, but they often have ti switch and by the time you find the right medication, you have to switch again. It is a very tough nisayon and I do not feel that i am equipped given my life cicrumstances i am not able to cater to having a spouse with that issue or other similar issues. I can deal with adhd/add, i personally have that somewhat myself and do not take medication. I can have someone with a bit of a learning disability as long as it does not stop them from functioning at a full level. I am looking for a human being, and other medical conditios, not ideal like certain allergies, i can handle too, but for me, many mental health disorders, I can’t handle.
I think people should try at least taking a 10 minute walk in the morning before starting their day. It could be walking to the daf yomi shiur/ minyan, or walking to the second closest subway/bus stop, or even school.
What I ended up figuring out from the phone dates with that person was basically everything I am not looking for in a shidduch.
In my case:
-BT (works for many, but it depends on who you are and how you became frum, I have a very unusual case in which it would not work for me due to my personal circumstances prior education and life experiences)
-Chabad (works for many- not for me. I have plenty of lubavitch friends and relatives).
-Unemployed but not in Kollel and no initiative to get a job or go to school and not even looking into semicha programs. Just bumming around with beer buddies, sees no potential in himself.
-No desire to further himself
-Pushover with not-solid hashkafos
-Bipolar (and he texted me to tell me instead of calling me… I went to the doctor. I called. I texted you. what happened at the dr office? I was diagnosed with bipolar today).
-Resentful of upbringing
-No desire to grow as a person
-Resentful of siblings who aren’t frum/family situation
-Jealous of my previous frum experiences
-Basically put his entire adult and personal life on hold because he started keeping shabbos. But on the converse, someone who was born frum, if they put their entire life on hold because of a bad teacher/other crazy lifestyle change (like frumming out), that wouldn’t work for me either.
I would say that for me, I also live out of town and do not really get the opportunity to go to ny. I have gotten 20+ suggestions over the past year. I ended up getting two phone dates with one person out of it. I said no to some guys and some guys said no to me. I think that the key thing is that you need to network. Also, every time that you go to another city, even if it is a smaller community- like St. Louis or Memphis, to try to ask about meeting at least one shadchan on your trip.
Try a gemach. Or, alternatively, I am thinking about speaking to someone in my own community about this. Next year, I am probably going to move out of my mother’s house. The thing is that many of my clothes do not currently fit me but would be perfectly sized for teenagers. I had a hard time getting tznius clothes that would allow me to fit in with my friends without looking weird so I am thinking about trying to start a mini tznius gemach for teenagers who want to take on the mitzva but may be in a similar position (some of my skirts were like $50 when I got them).
Very true but there isn’t enough heimish music out there to listen that many hours. I have to resort to (guilty) illegal downloading. The non Jewish music I can get for free from what I had pre frumkite. Music is expensive… there are only so many free songs on mostly music and eventually its annoying to keep on listening to rookies.
Just to add something: I am a college student who spends at least two hours a day driving between multiple campuses, my house and other appointments, I spend at least 2-3 hours waiting for classes or other things and spend at least an hour and a half exercising a day especially in the morning so I can concentrate in class better. Its impossible to listen to heimishe music for six hours a day between all of this so I usually split it half and half. Doesnt make me less frum though. Its just about not driving yourself insane.
Perhaps, but people do not necessarily get redt modern orthodox shidduchim because of it.
I hear that. I have been told that no guys exist in that situation. I would prefer to compromise to the right than the left. To me, its rude not to acknowledge people speaking to you no matter how frum you are. As time goes by, there are some of those ten guys I will no longer be able to talk to as many are moving to israel…
Technically every time I answer this a similar question, I either am told I am not frum enough for any guys they know. Or they end up sending me a resume of a guy who watches tv nonstop and completely ignore my preferences as to how I want my home run and I mean its not even like they are suggesting something similar but very different. I mean the suggestions end up being way off. Like one time I was redt a machmir guy who explicitly said in his profile I come home from work and watch tv all night I like to play pool with my beer buddies… I personally like an occasional beer myself but that type of image is reminiscent of tv shows I watched before I started keeping shabbos and not really anything I want in my home. I said no to that suggestion and the shadchan was extremely offended and when he asked me why I told him and I never heard from him again.
Lior, I noticed that you asked this question twice. May I ask what the point is?
Here are a few websites just google them:
saw you at Sinai- anyone can make a free profile and if you are compatible with a paying member, you can be set up with them. This is a website that only has professional shadchanim set you up. Among their list of matchmakers are top matchmakers in the community. You can also pay for membership and that way you get to choose two shadchanim who only work with 30 people or less on the website. the shadchanim interview you typically over the phone. Good for all types of hashkafos and anywhere in the world.
Simcha link- based in chicago they are a team of shadchanim employed by the Chicago chessed fund but they have set people up who are not from Chicago as well. They are free of charge and in addition to filling out an online profile they interview you and request that you send a picture of yourself.
Gateways- based in ny, they really only set you up if you are in the ny area. They require a fee in order to submit your shidduch resume to them.
Oorah in Lakewood has a rebbetzin program. You do not have to be a baal teshuva to have your shidduch resume and picture on file.
There is a simcha minute email I get every day. I dont know where to find it. But the quotes are all from him.
There is a distinct “cultural” mindset that I have seen in multiple couples when both are bt. They tend to be very involved in kiruv organizations and raise their kids with that mindset type of thing. The wealthier families only really donate to kiruv from what I have seen. Also, I am against doing kiruv if people are not interested and the mindset of kiruv in most cases is that everyone who walks in the door is gonna keep shabbos in two hours and I have heard stories about people who have ended up in cherem for not having that mindset. I gotta tell you that I dont like the pushiness that comes from a kiruv lifestyle when people are exposed to many notall of these people. Even in ncsy I remember them pushing me a lot bur at least they knew who I was when they began to do that and it was only because they knew I was going to be recereceptive to what they were saying and when I told them what my barrier was to getting it, they were very helpful in that area. But their pushing was more like mirroring what I was feeling and giving me the resources to get it. Most other kiruv organizations put of communal pressure are forced to push more to a point where many people can break. I personally do not associate with those places but many baalei teshuva feel as if they have to and my conversations with one guy I didn’t end up actually dating and a few girls, I was told they felt their way was the only way to go, i think at least one of the girls went off the derech because of that and the guy his life seemed to have in his eyes fallen apart and my conversations with him indicated that because of how the people he associated with through the kiruv organization were pushy he was not really able to take care of himself. (Why would anyone tell a guy who lives in a town nowhere near cholov Yisroel milk that he has to keep the chumras or drink parve milk when he is not even married?) I personally am switching over to cholov yisroel but now that I have milk and cheese down, its a matter of when I am willing to basically give up eating candy and ice cream as often as I do now because I do live on a town wit all of these products here but the junk food is just really expensive.
The ten guys I speak to are at my shul. Honestly, I haven’t really gone out of my way to speak to guys since I was in hs before the bais yaakov stage. Also, you really do not have the right to judge as perhaps I am really making this opinion based on multiple conversations with guys who are baalei teshuva (which I am) including guys. I do not really live in that culture anymore and do not want to raise my children in that type of culture. Also, I need someone with solid minhagim.
Try searching the jewish press and Yates for listings. Also, if she has LinkedIn, she should see what connections she already has to pre k and elementary school teachers. Maybe she should apply to ve on substitute rolls to make her search easier for the time being.
I am a bt who is only willing to marry an ffb. Although I started keeping shabbos as a teenager, I grew up going to day school most of my life. Even though my elementary school was not frum, a bunch of frum kids were in my grade at that time. I went to a public hs for three years with a significant jewish population and attended an all girls learning program between 11th and 12 th grade. Then I switched to a by for the last year, and at this point, I literally only speak to a few guys who are single because I have known them, their families my whole life but I would never hang out with them and I only chat with them once every few months. Totalling up to like ten guys and some guys I speak to like once a year. But like I really do not know any guys, last week I was asked to attend a hillel meeting on my campus and I decided not to because its not my crowd. I know I have very yeshivish/chassidish leanings and earlier this summer I spoke on the phone with a guy from a different community and he was a bt, three days three hours on conversation I got the following: resentment of not religious family and childhood, unrealistic, no career plan (he was unemployed but made up many excuses not to make any initiatives towards further education or job search). I broke it off because all of these things really bother me. Everyone has religious struggles myself included but the truth is that nobody can build their bayis neeman on the basis of regretting ones past completely. My bt friends who are my age in shidduchim we dont have this attitude because we realized years ago in hs that it prevents us from growing in frumkite. But if your a girl who started in high school and get redt a 25 year old who started in college his journey since its later in life is much different and not everyone can deal with that.
Thats like saying a frum bt should not be able to go to by because her parents watch tv. But clearly the community does not agree witb such a statement as evidenced by organizations such as oorah.
I am a single girl who nearly went out with a guy from a different town who is an inch shorter than me. The reason I broke up with him though was because because he said he was unemployed but during the few days I spoke to him appeared to make all the excuses up in the world not to look for a job (I want a working boy), was not interested in going to college and was diagnosed during that few day period with a mental health disorder that I knew I couldn’t handle in my bayis neeman from my husband. The height did bother me, but I was still willing to give it a shot anyway. I am 5’5″ though and like to wear heals that are as high as five inches so I was self conscious though.
Baruch HASHEM, she isn’t in a literal sense. But I have to balance two completely different cultures here.
I totally hear your point Lior. My mom would kill me if I beshowed though so we are gonna meet in a hotel lobby.
Actually I have a lot of secular family that would view this kind of an age difference at such a young age to be innappropriate.
I have a slightly different question, I am going to go out with a chassidish guy next week who is 18 years old, I am 20 years old is that normal?
You can also create free online profiles on harei at but even with premium privileges that didnt get me anywhere. But I have to warn you, there is a guy who is making a number of online dating profiles and i spoke to him and he has a lot of red flags and even with the online profiles he has made since then, he lies about things like his education. He is trying to woo in a chilled hashkafa girl who wants a mir bochur and is vulnerable so be careful. If you google ny shadchanin you can find a few dated lists but some are still active.
Chessed 24/7
Maybe Chai lifeline
preschool/elementary schools (they always need summer help preparing for next year)
Needy mothers who cannot afford babysitters/mothers helpers
social service agencies
There are congressional elections this year so ask your local candidates who are running if you can help distribute flyers…
New mothers who may need cleaning help.
Some needy kallahs need people to dance at their weddings
nursing homes
medical clowning (requires minimal training) for children in hospitals
hospitals
you can knit blankets for cancer patients.
google “volunteer match” and you should get a website with more opportunities
gemachs
In order to work one one one, you only need an undergrad certificate to be an aide. It does not make so much money. By the time you get a masters degree, you are expected to be in a program to develop the leadership skills to teach a class. I also have to add that there are different categories of disabilities, learning disabilities, this is dyslexic or dyscalculia or others, they typically need one on one attention in a resource room. Special needs, like down syndrome, if they are in a mainstream class, they need an aide. And behavior disabilities, social skill deficit/ high functioning autism. They may be less likely to need one on one instruction depending on what is needed but are often found in social skill groups with a social worker.
Thats not as bad as an American girl being left without a seminary in israel while she was actually in israel. And you could look to the kosher computer thing for secular studies or chabad runs an online homeschool my niece goes to either for limudei kodesh only or as a whole day and even non lubavitch do it.
Try syas, you can make a free profile and if you may be a match for one of their members you only pay if you want to say yes.
simchalink in Chicago.
Ffb and bt can join oorah rebbitzin database.
You could also go to any community college with an online program and still be yeshivish.
You cant but you can track their cell phones from an app called life 360 its an annoying app my mom makes me use.
Babies who are miscarriages are near life experiences. Abortions are near life experiences. What are you trying to get at?
And then there are people who didn’t do that and find going to the dentist a chore.
Vayomer is hu amar, in english means “and he said”.
As a baal teshuva. One story I can tell you is that I once bought a ticket to a concert for not jewish music and my parents who aren’t religious made me sell the ticket because they didn’t think it was appropriate for me to go to that concert.
Steak and sushi
I am barely commenting these days.