Forum Replies Created
-
Posts
-
The food suggestions are good, but bear in mind that the first few months can be tough on a new kalla, especially if she doesn’t have much kitchen experience. And especially if she has a tough schedule even if she can cook, so chill a bit till you get your bearings.
Though reading the circulars, getting to know prices, finding an older local woman to be a mentor as far as learning the ropes go is a good idea.
And as you’ve seen so far, there are a lot more areas to explore than food. Hatzlacha!
Not to be simplistic but for BTs and geirim: this is why there should be ongoing mentoring. (Not that we all wouldn’t benefit.)
Good point about the yeshivos: there was a chinuch column in Yated a few weeks ago about a kid who wanted to wear his payos a certain way, and a good discussion about minhag, hanhagos (i.e. conduct not under the rubric of minhag), etc.
Ah, Paschabchachma, so young and innocent…
Maybe she could lose some weight via exercise (doing the Vatican Rag) and diet (Irish stew).
Or maybe not…
Theprof1 is hitting the nail on the head. We don’t have shtarke working boys anymore, at least not on the scale of a generation ago. Chances are the kind of working ben Torah whose kids are in shidduchim now will not find a son in law like him unless said boy ends up learning much longer.
And because learning after marriage is becoming so prevalent, one is not considered shtarke unless he plans to learn for at least “a couple of years.” They say this so cavalierly, not thinking about
– whose expense is this coming at
– the fact that if they’d look around many of the klei kodesh, maggidei shiur, etc. now started in their fields after five years in kollel.
Five years used to be considered long term. B”H we’ve had our years of plenty here to be able to come to a point where we can take things for granted… except we can’t anymore.
It’s a problem.
You’re within the realm of normal, sure, but it’s understandable you want help. Any parenting support groups or classes in your area? There are some great books too, so many I’m not sure which few are the best for this issue.
WIY, again, there’s no way of knowing how the husband feels.
And re Harvey and Sheila: if you know anything about the background of Hava Nagila, that doesn’t give me nachas…
Yes, the libraries just simply cannot keep up with the demand for Milton, Blake, and Newman in the young adult sections of libraries across the country 😉
Question being, what did R’ Aharon read for fun (not that he was being frivolous necessarily, I mean during his own time), and for school (counting high school, electives in university, etc. as school)?
“Yoish” is right.
How fast is this happening? After umpteen kids?
And don’t forget about misdiagnosed and undertreated thryoid problems.
And are you sure the husbands really mind? And if you are, how do you know? I doubt you should be the confidant of choice of so many people to accurately assess the situation.
Moq, this last M. Rose post has convinced me that he’s actually a teenager with too much time on his hands, who’s giggling away at all this as we speak.
There’s also R. Dovid Meisels’ book, and Rabbi Leff’s books (as well as his weekly Yated columns).
Also for ladies, check out Azriela Jaffe’s website and the chatzos link for concrete steps to take to bring the serenity of Shabbos into the week, even without the deadline of chatzos.
Forget about socializing with one’s wife (which to me seems to call for a “sic”): what’s the heter to hang here? You don’t have to name names but did you ask a shaila? What are the parameters you were given?
I should have stressed the meat in meatballs, especially if one uses a better ground meat than during the week. I was thinking basar, but apparently I missed the bigger picture…
“Would any talmid chacham make food…?”
No, but his wife or mother would. And she might just make a nicely herbed chicken.
And re the sweet and sour meatballs: if this is a recipe that’s reserved for Shabbos, yom tov, special occasions, and enjoyed by the family…what am I missing?
SJS, case in point: read Gordon Korman starting with MacDonald Hall, and what was clearly young adult at the time, A Semester in the Life of a Garbage Bag. Contrast that with the middle school kids of No More Dead Dogs and the senior high kids of Son of the Mob.
That is the TIP of the young adult literature iceberg. Kind of like how PG-13 with the shmutz may sometimes be worse than R with the violence. Not everyone has our boundaries, varied as they may be.
Myfriend, did you ask yourself if Rav Elyashiv would go on the internet, or recommend it to his children.
Sanctimony on the internet is a wondrous thing.
Re the public library: there is a wonderful website called chinuch.org that has a fairly extensive secular booklist. There is the approved version, and the one with comments, so you can get a feel for the content of the books. There are other similar booklists around; one school I know has one but they don’t have fantasy, which eliminates a lot of the Harry Potter-inspired stuff.
Parents who are so inclined can also simply preread their kids’ stuff, but there is not enough Judaica out there for some bookworms; it’s expensive; Judaica libraries understandably place limits that won’t suffice for many families.
To answer the OP, we’ve found the public library a phenomenal resource, planned our summers around the programs when running camp Mommy and the libraries still had funding, gone to story time
and more. Interestingly, as my kids get older, they’re editing themselves and restricting themselves to Judaica, or getting the lion’s share of their reading from Judaica. And mostly, the good stuff, too, B”H, like biographies.
elegiac
Minyangal, I’ve heard of a pareve chemical free whip but don’t remember details. I’d love to try it myself. And if you add some brown sugar mixed french vanilla coffee powder dissolved in a little vanilla to the whip it makes a great filling. For those of us who like shaving cream, I guess.
Some foods, like ptcha, may resonate for some but don’t necessarily have the deeper meaning of cholent, egg and onion, farfel, etc. (I saw a chassid eat farfel this week with kavana; I’m sold. There’s always whole wheat versions of many of the classics.)
WIY reminded me of something I should have said earlier.
I know how you feel. I suffered a major loss as a teen and for years I really couldn’t say Tehillim. For some reason it really hit me there, that it “didn’t work.” Then I heard something some years later. I can’t believe no one ever told me something so fundamental at some point, maybe it just really kicked in then. But what I heard is, no tefilla EVER goes to waste. Even if we don’t see the yeshua we need, the zechuyos of the tefilla is there, helping the one in need, in this world, or the next, or their family, etc., somehow, some time. I’ve participated in challah segulos for many different people. When there is a childless couple whose names I’m given, I have in mind that they should see their heart’s desire AND that my tefillos should help them stay besimcha, maintain their shalom bayis, and have a meaningful life till Hashem sees fit to do so.
I’m not Hashem’s accountant but there’s an account up there with all your tefillos that “didn’t work”, that makes any Swiss bank account look like some kid’s piggy bank.
The Nineteen Letters is fantastic but I don’t see how anyone, especially a teenager, can learn it without a guide. Any edition.
There’s Rabbi Tatz’s book for Thinking Teenagers. Forgot the full title. It may also be heavy but I will assume he writes in a somewhat accessible way.
There’s also a book put out by Feldheim by R’ Doron Korbleuth specifically for teenagers. He has a few good anthologies of general thought; you might enjoy the others too.
Thirty years ago JEP put out some wonderful books. They may not be sophisticated enough – maybe geared more for earlier teens – but they’re good reads. The hashkafa book is Lehavin ULehaskil.
Do any of your friends have teachers they can ask?
Any teachers in the CY?
Hatzlacha!
When I was in SEMINARY, not 12th grade, a group asked the administration for a class such as this and we were told that it wasn’t appropriate in seminary, but should be left for when we were kallahs.
That said, I think that what you want to know is something mothers should tell their daughters, whenever they think it’s appropriate, as part of telling them about the beauty and kedusha of intimacy. And I would say that it’s fully appropriate for a mature young woman to do her own reading, such as R. Kaplan’s Garden of Eden, to be literate in important hashkafa and general knowledge. But generally, the nuts and bolts should definitely be reserved for kallah classes.
By the way, this could segue into what’s appropriate for high school, what should be for seminary, is sem. necessary, etc.
People, please vote and keep an eye on this. Not all the finalists are as worthy as Rabbi Aldrich and we have a great opportunity to make a kiddush Hashem.
In one of Rabbi Reisman’s first motzei Shabbos shiurim of 5750 he spoke about the Anshei Knesses Hagedolah. If you have access to the CD, a tape library etc. it is must listening to. I think it was at that shiur that he mentioned that the Anshei Knesses Hagedolah organized davening and the words to touch our sould in a way we need as we navigate through galus. Even if you can’t daven with the kavana you like there is still great power and potency in just saying their words.
No time to go into it now but he had some awesome stuff on the first bracha in Shemone Esrei. I almost always remember that thought and hope that that makes me yotzei for that first bracha.
You may want to try this: if you know the davening by heart and your pronunciation is different, say it sometimes while reading the English. You may find a phrase that just speaks to you. It’s happened to me a lot.
Here’s a great thought I saw in the name of Rabbi Gottlieb: you know how in shema there are two letters that are enlarged? You probably know all sorts of vertlach on the ayin and daled. But the letters that are left! They form an anagram, esmach. I will rejoice. I am overjoyed that I have the opportunity to communicate and interface with Hashem, that I always have access.
I am very impressed that you are thinking so seriously at this point in life. Kol hakavod to you!
jay: if you look in the Artscroll Stone chumash you will find it replete with Hirschian thought, what a teacher in (the contemporary, late Hirschian) seminary referred to as permeating goals to stress to the students. Rav Dessler is also a gold mine for such hashkafa.
However, while Bais Yaakovs may be better at getting their kids to take their secular (ok, nod to Rav Hirsch, general) studies seriously trust me, they are not being given over the way RSRH intended. Yeah, we go out to face the cruel world. Sort of. Via Raizel White and limited jobs, for some girls. Through other venues for others. So? Is that the sum total of TIDE in your book?
C’mon ShZ, that’s not what a BNB is all about.
And of course there’s no right amount of dates, even in the more yeshivish circles it’s important to take your time. Just don’t do it too much too often. A chosson and kallah aren’t bf and gf, and while they should spend time together doing things other than making their plans there really should be some boundaries. Any responsible mashgiach or mentor will say this.
Again, OP referred to “mainstream yeshivish circles.”
PBA, I was working within the OP’s barometers. Shidduch dating, the engagement period is davka NOT to be like marriage but to get to know each other well enough to feel comfortable committing to life.
It would be nice if the high schools offered home ec. By the time a girl gets to sem she should have some exposure to the kitchen and that’s more than enough.
Really, how much should she learn to cook? What if her husband has totally different tastes? Some exposure, familiarity with the kitchen, tools, etc. is more than enough.
Too late to edit but I hope it was clear that in my first paragraph, it’s the husbands’ kavod obligation I was referring to.
I don’t think that that kind of casual hanging out is productive. If you need to discuss something, phone calls should be ok, and if you need more time or face time then set something up.
I don’t think it’s cool at any point, frankly. Do you have anyone IRL you’re close to, a rebbetzin, sem teacher, etc.? BTW, most “mainstream” yeshiva boys will be given pretty clear hadracha of how often it’s healthy to call or get together. These guidelines might seem annoying or restrictive, but trust me: I’ve been through it myself and shepherded some kids through it and ultimately, it’s a big bracha and the healthiest thing.
Goldielox, there are relaxation exercises you can do, similar to Lamaze, that you might find in some reputable sleep help books.
Coffeefan, paschabchachma and others, a few things: cut down on the coffee. Before shelling out the dough for a sleep study you may want to have your thyroid tested. Ask for a complete panel, i.e. TSH, free T3 and free T4 (men can get by with total T3 and 4). On the off chance you get a diagnosis of hyperthyroidism, DON’T get your thyroid nuked. Take time to research and make an informed treatment decision. The best option, despite the doctor’s inexperience and scare mongering, is anti thyroid drugs. Find a good support group for good info and direction.
Last year Rabbi Reisman pointed out that since women are voluntarily “suspending their kesuba rights” (not how he put it, can’t remember his words) by supporting their husbands they’d do well to excel in the areas left, such as kavod.
Recently I read something, can’t remember where, of a yungerman who went to an early morning shiur, above and beyond the intense learning he was doing, so that his wife, who had such a hard day ahead of her, shouldn’t feel resentful of his being able to sleep a little longer.
A bit of chochma on every side will go far. Yeah, we’ve been taught not to be the mashgiach, rather to be the facilitator, for want of a better word, but as long as there are young women going out with boys, who’ve never held a summer or part time job or been accountable to anyone, who have no plan or ideas or tentative road map for their lives, this disparity will be a problem.
I was going to comment on the closed thread. This is what I learned in (hushed whisper for next word) seminary:
We are to emulate Hashem, Whose ultimate middah is giving; we are to aspire to be like Hashem and become givers. Everyone can and should become givers but marriage, and parenting, is probably the biggest for want of a better word shortcut to become givers.
And this next I also heard Rabbi Reisman touch on last year. All relationships are metaphors for how to relate to Hashem. Hashem created society with the potential for all sorts of relationships – siblings, friends, children, parents, spouses – and this gives us insight into all the different aspects of relating to Hashem (though of course we are always the children in that equation).
So again, marriage is highly desirable. Mitzvah or not, for whom, I’ll leave for others.
Again, just to stress, we can still become really giving people who truly love Hashem, but this is the ideal situation. No wonder it’s something healthy people want so much.
I think that what gets people’s hackles up is that there is no longer a range for healthy weight. If one’s dress size even approaches the double digits then there’s a problem. Many women look pretty good at size ten or more.
There’s also the mentality that having a secular name on papers will make it easier to escape…If you do go for a secular name, you may want one similar to your child’s name, and do be sure that all schools in which your child will go by the Jewish name also have the secular name on transcripts for when you need paperwork for driver’s permits, etc.
Re the local or community standards: this is why an IRL mentor is so important.
Pascha b., you left our sefardi women.
OK Hashemsprincess.
But we don’t know if you want to lose the first 20 of say 50 lbs., an extra 20 you’ve been carrying around, if you really don’t need to lose weight but want that attractive/attracting anorexic look, etc.
Any chiddushim or ideas so far? Do you have a maintenance plan in place?
And nice name. What do you think the King wants you to do?
And Happyness123, this Sadhkin diet. Is this something she can find out about easily on google? Any links you want to send her way?
To Josh31: thanks, I needed that 😉
Hat wearers include sefardi women and even yeshivish women who can’t afford sheitlach.
Hatzlacha!
Are there any teachers or madrichos you have a rapport with? Sounds like you could benefit from having some ongoing IRL support.
(And I do think you took on a lot at once myself, but if it’s working for you, fantastic! One example: you want to stop wearing short denim skirts, I personally think that’s great. But all denim? Having someone who knows you, your community, etc. to bounce things off of will be very helpful. For the rest of us there are missing variables.)
Thumbs up to minyan gal. I won’t knock you for wanting to lose weight but, hard as it is to accept, losing it fast won’t do you any good. Hatzlacha!
WIY, don’t know where you live but here my bigger hats have been getting a rest; they seem a bit passe. Smaller is definitely in.
Guess I’m out of town so I don’t realize that big is coming back…?
Anidea: I don’t understand your premise. If a child of divorced parents is emotionally healthy because of how things were handled (understanding it does take some time to get to this place) – the parents are each basically decent people and got their acts together and were determined to work together in the best interests of the children – why should it be a problem if they are involved in their kids’ lives?
Now if you’re talking about someone who is emotionally healthy not because of how things were handled but in spite of, I understand such concerns. If my kid was offered such a shidduch but was young, and might have to deal with some hairy situations, I would say, this might be the right one but not the right time. But a mature young adult who could handle this, with the proposed shidduch having the tools to deal with this, not necessarily a problem.
I understand the concerns. BUT, has anyone actually tried contacting Oorah, Rabbi Mintz, etc. before venting here?
I don’t know much but thought I’d comment to keep this current.
It’s a wonderful place. Consider going for at least two years. Excellent for someone who really wants to be a teacher but not exclusively – lots of halacha, hashkafa, guidance. I think that Americans see it differently than the English girls; for them, it’s just a natural option. For Americans, they envision a certain mold that may or may not be true. There is a variety of girls there.
Most of the girls I know from the states who’ve gone are daughters of alumni.
Hope this gets the conversation going.
Saftala: different story.
Cherrybim: I know a very chashuv rosh yeshiva whose son in law’s a BT. That was 25 years ago. I’ll bet it wouldn’t work for that same son in law’s kids. But you never know…
Saftala, I wouldn’t say snob (if you’re talking about the kid him/herself, not the parents). Your typical kid today is going to be exposed to and/or experience a LOT and not everyone can handle that.
Now you might say, not every FFB kid is so pure. Fine, this could be just what the FFB in question needs.
Or maybe not, just saying that I think your statement’s unfair.
L613: support is alien to a lot of FFBs too. It kind of fell out of practice in America this century. Paying for the wedding, helping out for a down payment if possible,that’s been around, but not this kind of support.
Not my local experience, B”H. I would say that a kid who him/herself is a BT may (or may not) need someone with some story him/herself but children? Not having a problem, AFAIK.
Yeah, I might make a copy of that article before the GH goes back to the library. So quaint.
You’re right. My mother, who taught in public school in the fifties, couldn’t work once she started showing, pasnisht in the fifties…