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The problem I have with the initial premise is NOT that girls shouldn’t put their best feet forward – I think most if not all women feel good when they maximize their assets – but that girls (and women) are being held to some arbitrary artificial standard of beauty.
There are women who are (some of you may need to sit down for this) ten pounds overweight who are beautiful.
Some women may favor one look over an another.
Some women can’t wear heels. Get over it.
I could keep going.
Last week’s Hamodia magazine had a great story: a young woman goes to the shadchan after having sent her a photo for the file. She was pretty pumped about the photo, having made some effort for it. So she finds the shadchan in tears – tears! – because she didn’t have anyone pretty enough for the best catch (sic) she had. And poor, poor guy. What was the shadchan doing wrong? Did she need to get a better quality meat in her stable? Yes, that was the story (though that last sentence was mine, but it was clearly said in not so many words).
So this is where we’re coming from.
FWIW, I’ve been married for a while. No sour grapes. One case of a child who wasn’t anorexic enough for someone.
Where is it? If chu”l will it have a dorm?
Trying my best, the logical conclusion, following this to the end of the road, is get off the net.
I’m with you aries2756.
TryingMyBest, there are still a lot of monthly expenses.
goldy, I would want the half that has Tishrei in it.
There is serious discussion to move the upper range down to 3 with further testing (i.e. the full panel) with symptoms and a TSH above 2. I’ve hung out on thyroid boards and seen a lot of people with a “normal” TSH, i.e. near 5 who are miserable. Guess what they found out when they had the FT4 and FT3 done…
TryingMyBest, you left out air fare. Assuming your daughter doesn’t go home, this is still close to $2000. There is also insurance, phone and expenses, besides tuition and air fare. Even when kids do their best to keep it real, it adds up.
bb8, I’m in the midwest. My point is that it shouldn’t be hard to find competent ENTs; they do this all the time.
Feif un, garlic oil drops are often recommended. Though probably helpful anyone should be very cautious of putting anything in their kids’ ears without consulting the doctor. (BTW, this was not a part of the regimen we followed as the kid in question was too squirmy.)
It is no longer considered a good chinuch option. Nisktanu hadoros. Not just the kids, but the parents and teachers. Whenever potching has been done it was imperative that it was clear that the potcher loved and cared for the child. Children will pick that up more easily from their parents than their teachers. It was never supposed to be the most widely used tool in the arsenal.
Health, people need to get a full thyroid panel. Doctors don’t know how to interpret the TSH, and some even say up to 10 is normal and it won’t be flagged on a bloodtest.
I second the advice to get advice NOT exclusively from here.
Alt med may actually offer something. I was lucky to have a homeopath to work with. We were at the “this is the last infection, then we’re going to tubes” stage and gave acidopholous a try with the antibiotics. It worked! Acidopholous is safe and worth a try.
What else we did, I won’t say. Alt med is not covered by insurance, you can’t guarantee results and that you’ll find someone reputable, and this is definitely not the forum to discuss this further, find the references you need, etc.
B”H, I’m glad we avoided tubes. All that said, had we needed to do it we had a GREAT shaliach. A mensch, highly recommended, and as he said, he’s a mechanic when it comes to this. He does tubes, all the time, for years, knows what he’s doing and it would have been far from the end of the world.
(All this coming from someone who had her tonsils out 40 years ago, and that worked!)
Yentemonkey, am I the 579th or so person to drop Rabbi Wallerstein’s name? Hatzlacha!
YW Band:
How easy is it to get in?
What’s rent, housing costs, insurance, etc.?
What are tuition requirements? (Sometimes out of town schools are generous because they’re grateful to have the community built up. Sometimes not.)
Health, there are a lot of people, especially women, who are walking around with undiagnosed or inadequately treated endocrine problems, such as thyroid and PCOS. Until they get educated and start demanding proper treatment from their doctors, have rachmanus.
Not all BY’s drill in hair must be tied back. Not wild, yes, but not necessarily tied back. Which is not a bad thing; I’m all for breathing room.
Some long sheitels cost a lot less than shorter ones. (And I mean long ones from heimishe sources.)
And of non-heimishe sources: Paula Young has a division called Especially Yours. The wigs are more comfortable and it also has a darker brown that’s not available in PY. There’s also Ye Olde Beauty Supply Shoppe, but wigs there aren’t returnable or exchangeable.
Palin Bachman Overdrive would be an excellent name for a rock band.
Hm, Rav Baruch Ber? Never heard that. But does that put a different spin on it for some people….?
Sorry, I seem to be batting 0 for 0 this morning ;-(
Sorry Eclipse, for some reason I thought you were too young and you were quoting this.
There is a light at the end of the tunnel and it’s not the train. And no, therapy is not the answer for everyone. Some sort of support group does wonders though, and iy”H your teen should find her way. Your love and consistency, and demonstrating that you have a relationship with Hashem, are anchors, for her as well as you, even if you don’t see the peiros so soon.
There’s no typical time for SCD. I would seriously, seriously look into it if I were you. Contact Esther Weiss at Digestive Wellness. They have started charging for mentoring. It might be worth it, or you might be able to find an “SCD Buddy” via some of the email groups, like KosherSCD.
And yes, Crohn’s hits the digestive system at different parts, and in different ways, so the permutations are different and the medical cocktail combos prescribed vary, but there is a real possibility of at least avoiding the biologics with SCD. (Of course you should continue your meds, even on SCD.)
Hatzlacha and refuah shleima!
From your troubled teen, or is this from somewhere else? Could you let us know?
First of all, it’s a life-long endeavor. One can get rid of and keep off weight; one doesn’t “get rid” of a bad middah, ok on to the next.
Just be open to the possibilities even if you’re not “there” yet; in a good healthy situation the chosson/husband and kallah/wife bring out the best in each other.
And BTW, you’re equating a bad middah with excess weight??!?
Even with modern transportation, I think it was easier for Rav Hirsch to go to Switzerland than for many of us to pick up and go the the Grand Canyon. At least I got to Niagara Falls.
And if you’re not driving, then learn on the way to the “Alps.” (Or listen to a tape.) Then you can be yotzei kol hadai’os.
Soright, my gut reaction was, and the workplace is better for the women, and the parents who have to keep deferring retirement to keep their families afloat?
But then I read on. And I’m torn. I realize that the olam haTorah is infinitely sweeter but why not be a bit more upbeat, so instead of going to work thinking, this is insane, this is terrible, one can say, hareini muchan imezuman to earn an honorable living, support my family in a Torahdik home, share of my bounty with others, etc. Much better for the blood pressure.
At the recent Chofetz Chaim Heritage Foundation for women, one of the women spoke movingly about this. A group of businessmen came to the Chofetz Chaim asking for chizuk on staying shtark in the workplace. They figured they’d be urged to take on, say, extra learning. The Chofetz Chaim said that he had a plan that wouldn’t involve an extra moment of their time. It’s this mindset, that every action has mitzvah and kiddush Hashem potential.
I’m not doing this justice but I don’t have time to check my notes. Maybe someone else can expand on this.
And I think a LOT of young men would benefit from working half day, learning half (actually more, there’s the evening too) day. It would very likely maximize their learning time. If a seed could be planted in the minds of young men who don’t see themselves as klei kodesh…
Sorry, TheGoq, but SZ beat me to it. I was wondering, what do I do on Sunday’s what?
My immediate reaction to this thread title is that I’ve seen it before elsewhere.
You know the R. Krohn shidduch line about shoes? What kind of shoes does he wear? If he wears lace ups he’s a batlan because he takes the time to lace his shoes. If he wears loafers he’s a lazy good for nothing because he can’t be bothered to tie his shoes.
I don’t know if anyone here is holding by working on bitul zman to the degree that recycling is wasting valuable time. I say, recycle, even for those is municipalities where you’re not fined. It does good, in a milieu where the greatest good deed is saving the planet and whales it shows you have values (sic, yes sick, but this is reality) and a few other good reasons. But no one needs to lose sleep over not doing so meticulously.
Again, to prove, or to help us internalize this concept as our koach hadimyon was weakening?
I’ll leave this for people who are better able to access primary sources, but there is a maamar chazal that tzaddikim are mechaprim for their dor. I would suggest that SZ’s visceral reaction is because other religions take this concept as meaning that they have a lot of leeway in their lives, if at one final moment they fully accept someone in their hearts, without translating it into action and meaningful life. We have a greater concept of personal responsibility.
I’ve heard this concept, but surely the Chofetz Chaim didn’t use the term validate – Hashem doesn’t need our validation. It was we who benefited so greatly from these inventions to better imagine and internalize concepts such as ayin roah, ozen shoma’as, etc.
Hm. Is this thread going to turn into a Kafka klatsch?
Since this thread hasn’t been fully hijacked yet, MikeHall, there are many women who have real jobs who know, deep down, that they get equal fulfillment, if not greater, during the time they spend at home, baking challos. And there are others who don’t. Not knocking either. But the former may be better grounded.
Hey mods, thanks.
And kudos. (You know who you are.)
Yes, say Tehillim, read Kafka, then dream of your shidduch.
I thought the opposite of dull was interesting, not smart.
Are you thinking of a sycophant? (And there’s only one p in the word.)
That shivah isn’t mandated is a clue that the mourning is largely private. They may not get the same catharsis from talking. Those who know what to say – are close to the family, have been through this – can and should. Other people should still acknowledge the loss, with a simple statement, note, donation to a tzedaka, and practical help, such as meals, carpools and babysitting for other children, etc.
Derech Hamelech, I know the mishna, I was just stressing that non-Jews aren’t chopped liver in Hashem’s eyes.
And to so right, I think that that one way that Jew is greater is in that he is making a much greater chillul Hashem (because of his capacity to make a greater kiddush Hashem?).
This calls to mind the archeology wireless joke…For those who know, “62” (did I tell it right?), for those who don’t, no time to type it up.
To the myfriends and derechmelechs, I always thought huh was the definitive answer: why not exercise our muscles, at the very least. And HaLeivi, that may be so, but if the mishna says, chavivin adam shenivra b’Tzelem [Elokim], well, that’s a lot of food for thought right there.
Tobi Einhorn.
Dena Blaustein, a”h.
All the unmarried women who do and are good and are loved by their friends and communities who are under the radar.
To mbachur:
Two words: cell phone. Another two: phone card. Another few: toll free home phone number. There are possibilities.
So the scenario I see is, rebbe sees boy may have problem.
In town rebbe thinks: I can ignore this, he has his parents. Heck, I don’t even need to share my reservations with anyone.
Out of town rebbe thinks: I must not ignore this because this boy is far, far from home, and I have been invested with the sacred charge of en loco parentis.
I get it now.
I just want to clarify, maybe I shouldn’t have used the word lechatchila, as if, if someone doesn’t do that, they are doing a bedeived. Maybe I should have used the word “given”, as in, since when did it become a given to send our boys away.
Yes, it’s always been done, but you know the saying Apples from the tree? That’s only so long as there’s not a strong wind. We’re living in stormy times where in we much constantly get feedback and evaluate THROUGH THE CLEAR LENS OF THE TORAH, of course, and getting reality checks from those who can see most clearly. If each person asks his own question – and isn’t that as old as being mechanech each child al pi darko? – we’ll all be in good shape.
To ronrsr: matches, too.
So Arc, let’s go back to the lechatchila days of hevei megaleh and totally kick our boys out of the nest to maximize your growth. Is that what you propose? Think it’s healthy from a chinuch POV?
Chesedname, true, not a perfect analogy, but there’s still the point of a nekudas habechira that it’s just not part of my lifestyle or reality and not for me. Fine for someone else though, I don’t need to make a macha’ah.
Since when did sending kids away – and I’m talking about living NOW, not in the times of whenever, because Heaven knows we don’t do everything else exactly as they did then – become a lechatchila for kids in the late 5700s?
“Heterim shmeterim”
Pardon me for having a hard time taking that seriously from someone shmoozing on the net.
If someone DID get a heter, and this was not by twisting the rav’s arm but because of circumstances I can’t imagine, to be frank, how does someone lose out by listening to his rav?
To Mbachur: I beg to differ. I can definitely quote Rabbi Orlowek on this, and he is not a daas yachid. He says that it is so crucial for kids – yes, boys – to be home during these critical years that assuming that they are living in a stable loving home, it might be better for them to be in a local yeshiva that is not so perfect rather than out of town at a perfect yeshiva. Of course, there is the caveat that this is just a mehalech and eitza tova, and the decision should be made carefully by the parents in conjunction with his rebbeim who know him.
We’ve been spoiled. Our local yeshiva is minutes away and there’ve been times I’ve barely seen my boys till Shabbos. And they do their own laundry, to boot, so they are getting some valuable skills, are they not?
P.S. Sense of dependency?
I think there’s this Ibn Ezra on Lo Sachmod that some people might want to check out…