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Don’t stop saying the formal words, but also, say your own tefillos. We women especially, even if you’re not at the point of having lots of family obligations, specialize in informal prayer. (Men too can and should try it; it was after all a man, Dovid Hamelech, who said, “Vaani sefilasi.”)
And daven for others. Say tehillim and techinos on a regular basis. And don’t forget to say Thank You to Hashem as often as you can.
And you’re not the only one in this boat. I don’t know how many “regular” people are on 100% all the time. Rebbetzin Jaegar said something phenomenal on the Rochel Imeinu yahrtzeit video this year. She said that she asked her father for davening inspiration after she had kids and her davening experience just seemed to have plummeted. Rabbi Freifeld, zt”l said on the words of Yishtabach, HaBocher b’shirei zimrah, that it can be translated as Hashem Who chooses among the “sheraim” of song. Even if your tefillos were less than inspired, that is something very close to Hashem, He picks and chooses those very sheraim.
Looks horrible to me, but I resisted the temptation to open any of the articles. Maybe I was misled by the terrible headlines.
Tikva, when the kids go to school they are in a bubble. They are NOT with Israelis. And even when they marry and they determine to live in E”Y as Israelis there may be some issues that it even pains me to allude to because of the inevitable loshon hara that will ensue.
Do you have friends who made aliya, neighbors, or people with similar backgrounds, etc. whose insights you can glean from?
I think I may have brought this up something like 67 posts ago, but to the recent posters, have you seen Yonasan Rosenblum’s article Chemotherapy as Metaphor?
SJS, for years boys would get a degree, to have under their belts for when needed. The problem is, that there are many areas (and this was true 25 years ago too, as technology started to take off) that will get obsolete fast, like computers, so somehow it’s necessary to keep a foot in the door.
I don’t think kollel should be by merit only. OTOH I don’t think kollel is for everyone either. Why not expand the learner/earner concept to other areas besides mortgages and start encouraging our young men to work and learn half day, which will maximize their years in (not quite full time, true) kollel, and being machshiv these boys? I envision a day where this will be a real option for decent learners, not just those who may have had uneven learning histories, like many unmarried guys who are working now. This may be unfair stereotyping but a good number of working boys out there fall under two categories: professionals, whose school history was fine and learn well, and “working boys” whose academic resume was checkered.
Re gavra at work: what are the working options bein hasedarim? Tutoring? Haircutting? Handiwork? Other ideas? Anything besides tutoring will require some level of training and experience – when do these guys get the training?
There were some excellent articles on the subject in the Jewish Observer, by Rabbi Yair Spolter, and some years ago (maybe even 10?) by either Rabbi Mordechai or Mrs Leah (maybe both) Kuber.
Oomis, I have great analytical skills. We learned to take apart mefarshim, figure out what the kashe was, etc. But I always feel I have to sit this discussion out. Personally, I would NOT get the type of geshmack out of learning that the men I know do. My husband can decompress after work learning whatever daf comes next, no matter how dry. The type of learning or shiur that would enable me to decompress would be much more hashkafa and goal oriented. And my husband thinks it’s just great to raise a great kasha. I HAVE to know the answer. Not that I don’t accept that there are unanswered questions in olam hazeh, of course there won’t be answers to everything. But when I am learning something, I like to leave as few loose ends as possible.
I really think that this is part of the male/female dynamic. And I also accept that there are other sorts of women. Some have agendas. Then, there are some yechidos who go through life feeling like the proverbial square peg because they can’t find their place. I really have compassion for them. Then of course there are women who really could learn gemara but like me, either don’t want to, or don’t need to, or have reconciled themselves not to.
It’s why I have a hard time flat out condemning learning for women. But I honestly believe that a lot of the learning that women do is agenda driven, and superficial. My sons had serious preparation to starting gemara in middle school, flash cards, proficiency in Rashi, a few years of mishnayos. I don’t know where my BY could have fit in the time. (And BTW, the boys are DEFINITELY losing out by not having the grounding in Tanach and dikduk that the need, but that’s a whole nother thread.)
asdfghjkl: 24/5, 23/1
To asdfghjkl: once a BY girl, always a BY girl.
I can’t believe there’s not a Jewishrunners@yahoogroups . Everything else under the sun is there.
re cantoresq: by mischief I assume you don’t mean healthy outlet, but a way to bend the rules without getting into trouble (or, unhealthy outlet). I can’t believe that this is the concern of the yeshivas. Do they think that then the boys will turn to other unhealthy outlets, like drinking or girls? Why not focus on giving them healthy outlets? Actually, I think the words I’m groping for are, breathing room.
Cottage cheese – expansion’s not a problem. And if you’re getting a huge amount, like I assume a Costco container is, I’d dish it into zipper bags or the like. And as far as how long it keeps, everyone who knows me knows that one of my secret ingredients is freezer burn 😉 Seriously, no complaints, especially if I use it in say a lasagna.
About the pepper: you’re right, it is expensive, but when you can get it for half that sale price just a few months earlier, paying even $2/lb is painful.
It’s a Lubavitch minhag but not exclusively. I know Litvaks who won’t eat dairy and fish together, but limit it to cooked foods (so no problem with lox and cream cheese).
Mrs. Beautiful, if you find yourself giving such guidance to a friend again, please suggest that she not ask a shaila, which is binding, but for an eitza, which is not. Especially since for a shalom bayis issue there is another party involved, and depending on the issue, would have to be with the program too.
I just wanted to add that I appreciate how you think and speak from the heart. I don’t know if we’re on the same page on everything but we may well be on the same chapter 😉
I don’t know if I eat so many eggs myself but I do bake a lot, and we can easily go through some kugels on Shabbos (OK, and as a midafternoon snack erev Shabbos).
About cheap colored peppers: when they get to that price, I don’t buy them (or maybe one for a special Shabbos salad). I don’t call that cheap. When certain foods hit certain prices, we simply don’t buy them. Unless they’re staples, like sugar, flour, oil, eggs, etc. Of course the definition of staple varies. If for whatever reason colored pepper is a staple for you then kol hakavod for finding the cheapest place.
And about cottage cheese: cottage cheese freezes well so it might be worth freezing the cottage cheese in smaller portions.
Halavai, you must either have a very small family or people with egg sensitivities. When I’m down to my last 9 eggs you can be sure I’m shopping – that’s just about enough for 2 nine by 13 potato kugels 😉
re heimisheyid: many people have “chashuve” zaides but they have to go back many generations, or don’t know.
And if being at such a seder does make one chashuv, then so does davening consistently with neimus and kavana, and doing chesed, and having exemplary middos, etc. So if that’s your definition of yichus then there’s hope 😉
Hatzlacha. I hope that a good budget will help you find the money you need. Unfortunately, there are many people out here who are living simply who still, can’t make it and I hope you won’t be one of them.
Taking a page from Chicago voting, I say gift early and gift often.
Jphone, exactly! The only way around this that I see is for someone to take upon him/herself the sacred task of writing to Readers Write with a full glossary, and then for the ensuing letters over the next month to be unanimous in agreement. Then we’ll know we have something reliable.
Re Joseph: I can name scores of gedolim over the past few centuries (especially the last 100 years) who were older than 20 when they married. Can you reconcile this? Thanks.
Qa, and sometimes 4 inches is more than enough, especially for a woman who doesn’t have long legs.
Re Nobody: I’m an out of town hick, I guess, despite having credentials that YOU would call heimish 😉 and I truly don’t know the reid. If anyone can print a universally accepted glossary that would be greatly appreciated before I do more harm.
Klal Yisrael has just been through a profoundly traumatic 72 hours, where all the labels seem to have fallen away. Reminds of the Beilus trial, and the classic vort on “ODOM ki yakriv mi-kem.”
I realize precision is necessary and there’s another thread on shidduchim emphasizing asking appropriate questions to ensure the kids build a bnb, and that such discussion IS often times necessary. But some of us have definitions that are a bit more fluid and inclusive. In case of doubt, speak English.
Nobody, I just reread your earlier post and I’ll know where to go if I need decoding next time we start looking into someone. But I still say that not everyone would explain things exactly as you would. E.g. I know a BT couple that I would have to describe as heimish if someone asked me if they were, because I think they fit the bill. Actually, I can just hear the dialogue. After discussing their background, the parent asks me if they’re heimish. What am I supposed to say? “Didn’t I just tell you they’re BT’s? How can you ask me that?”
(Scratching my head.)
The four inch rule is useful but more important is sitting in the skirt, however you normally would, and seeing if your knee is covered. Some skirts, even with those 4 inches, still don’t do the job.
Re whatshaiches: true, very true. But hopefully the parents will pick up on clues that much sooner.
Jphone, heimish comes from “heim”, home.
Don’t have internet, that’s why, when it comes to shidduchim questions, you want to use terms that are universally understood the same way. Rather than ask if a family is heimish, yeshivish, etc., ask simpler questions and then, if you get answers that include fuzzy words, ask the person you’re speaking to explain what s/he means by that word.
Personally, I never asked questions using words like yeshivish, heimish, chilled out uberultra, etc.
Kosher by Design (the original) has a great and fairly easy cranberry-apple kugel, though I’m not sure if you can do it without a mixer. I’d send you the recipe but my understanding is that copyright laws don’t allow sharing a copyrighted recipe with such a large group.
We’re more the savory type – what you call kugel, we call dessert 😉
BY maidel, you’re not going to get it here. Maybe a women’s only yahoogroup type thing if you’re looking for a virtual support group.
Queen, you don’t put in onion? That adds wonderful moisture. Or try adding zucchini.
Pearl, are you guys sweet or savory?
JD, do you know something you should share with a responsible adult? Yeah, we do have to be worried about dorm yeshivos for h.s. boys which is why I hope parents do their homework before sending the kids away so young. If they do, great!
Remember, we’re dealing with the UK where there’s an inyon of sakanas nefashos to go watch a match.
re chacham2, I know what you mean having grown up out of town and not knowing all the reid myself. But I might be a little less cynical. Some people use heimish to just mean, a taste of home and familiarity, in the best sense.
I think that gratitude is definitely appropriate (we are yehudim, after all 😉 and it is definitely in order to discuss in schools and with family what a bracha a medina shel chesed is, a chance to catch our breaths collectively while in galus. But we always saved turkey for Purim; my father doesn’t like having a fleishig supper on Thursday unless it was yom tov or a seudas mitzvah, and I continue that myself.
re rabbi of Berlin: some, at least the ones I know. And when one couldn’t because of work related frequent travel (he was covering for a FIL who only had daughters and was the closest of the sons in law) another BIL took over.
I think the answer to the title’s question is, A girl. Definitely.
Mariner, I hate to say this having not been in your shoes. I am a) a woman, b) have stepmother, and c) she married my father when I was myself married. But according to your logic, an adoptive mother can’t have the same relationship either. I really don’t think you mean that, but are reflecting on your experiences and observations over the year, which I do respect.
Ideally though, or am I wrong, kaddish should be said at every opportunity with a minyan. How many women can commit to that for 11 months?
Aidle maidle – that’s my name.
Or is it…;-)
This came up in the Yated chinuch roundtable within the last few months. The general concensus was not to get too hung up about it, it’s normal, not unhealthy. Maybe things are a bit different in the UK, especially since in the US, some frum kids actually go to ball games; in the UK I’m sure no one does.
I wouldn’t try to put a complete halt to it but would try to not let it become an obsession. My son loves reading about sports but we are limiting the number of sports books he can take out at a time, and no biographies of individuals, to discourage hero worship.
My guess is your son will outgrow it if handled well.
Blue Shirt, I have no problem with a woman saying Kaddish, FWIW. The question is, is this being yotzei? And does the woman get to shul as often as possible, like 3x a day, to say it at every opportunity? So there are two things here – the permissibility of a woman saying kaddish, and the optimal way to have Kaddish said as an aliyah for the neshama, which I assumed entails a son, or a relative or friend who will assume the obligation.
You know, this is why I didn’t play the screen name thread. I don’t consider myself a pen pal of anyone and I don’t know if that’s altogether appropriate anyway.
Is this the kind of question where if I don’t know what’s meant by Anglos I should skip it? Or do I assume you mean that you’re contemplating aliyah?
Nobody: a kick pleat or insert may work.
Funny, 30 years ago I was taught that slits are not assur per se but just to realize that wherever the slit begins, consider the skirt that short. So a slit situated such that the knee would still be well covered when sitting was no problem. Somewhere along the line, slits became assur altogether in my circles. If I ever run into the teacher who taught me the first approach, I’d love to know what happened. Meanwhile, I have no problem toeing the line.
Mrs. Beautiful, I’m not sure if it was Rav Moshe or Rav Yaakov, zt”l (I think the latter) who always tried to go to a tollbooth with a human over automated. If there is no or a very small line by a human, I try to go there over self checkout.
re chacham2: I can’t believe that they don’t at least desensitize kids.
Re mekubal. That may be true as far as the amount of knowledge goes, but not as far as the women’s skill in taking apart a blatt gemora. That latter point may be the crux for some people.