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“So you believe the real problem is that boys are not getting appropriate hadracha from either their parents or their Yeshiva.”
Correct. What they are getting instead is an unequivocal message that having any interaction with women is wrong on all accounts (save, perhaps, for immediate family), and then they are suddenly thrust into a world of dating where they are expected to have meaningful and productive conversation with a woman they don’t know.
“As long as it is L’Toeles and not S’chok, I have no issues.”
Some people need to know they can laugh and joke together in order to have a connection. In which case it is l’toeles.
“boys need to interact with girls in order to be comfortable when dating, which is hogwash.”
My point is that many boys and girls have an extremely difficult time being open and engaging in normal dialogue on dates because they’ve been hardwired to repel exactly that. For them, a potentially more constructive option is to have it all “set up” in their parents’ dining room beforehand.
So on your point, I’m not suggesting they need to interact with the opposite sex in order to be more comfortable on dates. I’m suggesting that they at least understand HOW to have such interaction when the proper time comes, and realize the following:
1. Your date is not to be treated or talked to the way you treat and talk to your buddies.
2. Your date is of the opposite sex, and therefore, you should understand that you will see things differently. Internalize and respect that.
“The solution is NOT to let them hang out like Perutzim before Kiddushin.”
GAW, did my post imply that anywhere? Of course I don’t endorse that as a solution.
In reality, there is no one correct method, because people are wired differently. Some need significant interaction and a certain level of comfort before committing to a lifelong relationship. Others can just jump right in and work it out themselves after marriage.
The solution is to know yourself, know what works best for you, and that the people whom you trust and depend on should empower you to follow through with it, and not force you into using a method that you aren’t comfortable with.
When our communities sustain an environment that doesn’t allow for any interaction between the two sexes, we are ultimately causing boys and girls to be so completely uncomfortable with each other that the only method that allows them some level of productive interaction is when they’re huddled in the parents’ dining room, with their parents with them.
We continue this trend even once they’re engaged: We discourage too much interaction between them, limit how often they can see each other, and then force an exuberant wedding on them so they don’t have to focus on each other, but rather, the beautiful venue, food, flowers, and untold amounts of needless gashmius. We then continue to distract them from each other for the next week with Sheva Brachos, until finally, reality sets in, and they’re forced to learn how to interact and live together. For some, it’s too late.