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Yeah, comedians are known for their sensitivity; it’s part of the personality.
Seriously, that’s impressive kiruv.
slowdownandthink, Rabbi Dan Tiomkin wrote an excellent book, “Rediscovering the Lost Self”, which may assist you in finding a shidduch. It is sold in many book stores (or can be requested) and has helped many people in many ways.
All Baalei Teshuva should read “Rediscovering the Lost Self” by Rabbi Dan Tiomkin.
I like German; it sounds structured and organized.
Plus it’s fun to read to count how many words participated in the formation of one word.
use brown rice or add the rice just before shabbat if lor lets.
hey, where’d your subtitle go?!
I missed it, my children saw it, and said the brocha.
I always thought the reason for not eating chometz is “adam nif’al k’fi p’ulosom”, as some of the above allude to.
Let me check it out with my local get-to-the-root-of-it baal machshova.
Ara is a great company; Mehring’s on Coney J-K carries it.
I walk a lot and don’t like wearing sneakers, and I find ara shoes the perfect alternative.
Have you tried Dr. Scholl’s insoles in regular shoes?
Also, shoemakers sell a shoe stretch spray if the shoes pinch toes.
yeah, popcorn is a good recipe, but if you want to make it fleishig, add turkey (and spinach leaves- optional) when you take it out of microwave.
come to us instead. or invite us to your place.
always here: Mazal tov, that’s really exciting! They should raise her to all the good things, and you should only have nachas from her and all of them!
I used my hs years for community chessed (and earning money) instead of studying because I felt more productive being involved in chesed projects than studying endlessly; I simply enjoyed it more. I justified it: when I get married, my chesed will be mostly limited to my family, so I’d better ‘chap arein’ now.
When I got involved in chesed projects in seminary, my principal firmly told me that I had come to learn, so I limited my chesed to setting up for Shalom Zachors and Kiddushim.
In retrospect, I do not think my way is a good one for most girls, and I encourage my own daughter to balance chesed and studying, with studying as her current priority.
As my sem principal explained to me: when you really want to do something, it’s probably the yetzer hara, and you should do the opposite.
Since I wanted very much to be involved in projects outside of learning at a time when I should focus on learning, the best thing for me was to learn and help others as the doped up one mentioned above: by learning with weaker students or socially challenged girls.
You have to figure out what your needs are and what is the best way to fill them.
Some people have a greater need to give or do, and if you cannot fill that need at home, you should find a good way to channel it.
So refreshing that people still have a conscience and feel bad saying “Kish!”
one holey bamba with a worm in it! so cool!
During pregnancy (and beyond) a woman often feels very vulnerable and needs her husband’s protection and devotion.
A husband who is unsure how to best provide these (very normal for a man) should seek guidance from a competent source (you don’t need to have real problems to consult a therapist) ASAP (to prevent problems).
I enjoy walking down the blocks that have gorgeous sprawling houses; it gives me a lift. I enjoy living in my simple one, though.
Ask the neighbors you don’t know. If you ask your whole area, you’re sure to find s/o for a few hours a week (but maybe they’ll only be available after Pesach- you probably don’t need one for Pesach cleaning.)
ZeesKite: Use my time for shopping? I was shteigin’ away.
Can someone help me out? I never understood this idea of trusting yourself. If you trust yourself to always act properly, how did you ever end up doing something wrong?
My husband said it’s soooo important for me to know all the halachos that apply to me- which means I need to learn Shas and Poskim to know when something is an issue and how to resolve it.
So I came home from my first day at kolel the same time that my husband got home from work. And we were both staaarving.
So I fed him Shas and Poskim.
Me? I wouldn’t touch that stuff.
Hey, somebody had to raise all those amazing people!
And that’s why I think this thread is about me (and my friends- they can be included too).
NJLB
Thanks, squeak, I am aware.
squeak: Thank you very much for the words of wisdom!
Shefa Brocha V’hatzlocha to all!
mamash: Amen!
mythoughts: What a pity that my comment could possibly be construed as a “recommendation”; I simply stated (what I believe is) a fact. I am sorry for that misinterpretation.
Would you mind re-reading that comment to see if it could be understood another way- the way I intended it? I certainly would not promote working off the books.
Kindly let me know if it requires clarification. Thank you.
gavra: That is my question: should we open a HELOC instead of trying to put aside $20/week (when we’re just making it)?
HELOC advantages over savings:
1) no additional strain on budget
2) lots more cash available than the small amount that would be in savings.
Savings advantage:
The money is yours for the taking- no repayment.
Conclusion:
We should try to save $20/week as hishtadlus. Should it be decreed that we’ll suddenly need lots of cash, Hashem will determine whether it will come from HELOC or some other means.
username7: Thank you for the compliment!
To be fair, gavra was trying to help me figure out how to buy life insurance, a crucial expense. And anyone who has money-saving tips is welcome to offer; you and I stand to possibly benefit.
I’d like to respond to the rest of your post, but I’m short on time now and I’ll try to return later.
mamash: Thank you for replying.
Actually, when the mechanic told me that it’s dangerous to drive the car without fixing it, I sold the car. We are enjoying being car-less.
$20/week is about $1,000/year, and our budget is already pretty tight. So, my question is whether it’s absolutely necessary to squeeze this in. I’m thinking the answer is yes.
I didn’t express myself clearly when I mentioned “present obligations”. I referred to familial, not financial, obligations. Certainly, there will always be many financial obligations (although in due time, they will replace tuition.)
You mentioned that financial stress in the home affects the children, but a mother who works full-time and is thus largely unavailable to her children, both physically and emotionally, also causes stress to her children.
When I will need to use the savings, I will try to come back here and thank you (and your father:)
I hit send on that last post by accident; totally did not mean that mortgage payments are a form of savings. I edited later when I came back to the computer, but I missed the window.
Please don’t bash me for my last post.
Let me rephrase:
Mortgage payments are NOT savings.
Savings means there is no repayment; savings is not a loan.
It is foolish to go into debt if you can just use savings.
Should putting aside paltry sums regularly be a top priority by us?
I am sure by the time this goes up I will have been bashed already. I’ll survive.
squeak: Thank you for your input! (I was hoping you’d join here.)
Yes, I’d love to hear your detailed advice later. TIA.
What about using home equity for emergency cash? Our mortgage payments are a form of savings. I know it’s far from ideal to take a second mortgage, but is it very unwise to even entertain the notion that if we need a large unexpected sum, we will turn there?
Thanks, gavra.
A Woman outside bklyn:
I agree that most families seem to manage through help from relatives, alive or otherwise. You’re not the only ones on your own, though.
Wow, I think I need to think about my obsession with this thread. I usually take the CR lightly.
bpt: Not to get defensive (but I am because I think I covered all bases in my budget), but the expenses you mentioned are covered in my above budget. New fridge would fall under household maintenance, transmission repair is a non-issue for us (no car), and most dental work is covered by our insurance, b”h. The exception is braces, and this might eventually be a necessity with some child/ren, but for this year it isn’t, b”h.
I hope it won’t be 1500, but if it will be, at least it won’t be a surprise. I prefer to overestimate expenses.
No, we didn’t install water-saving things. Whom do I call, the water biller?
I only give homemade challos to non-frum people so that I know they won’t be wasted.
My husband reminded me that for life insurance we are members of Areivim.
gavra: Water price has risen quite a bit in NY over the past two years. The amount I gave was what I allotted for this year (not what we spent last year) as the city anticipates further increase in price due to overhaul of old water systems, and I wanted to be sure we were covered.
mamash: Though it wasn’t my comment that you quoted, I’d like to ask you since you sound like a responsible parent: which do you think is generally the preferable option (ie what Hashem wants)- for a mother to work full-time and stash away some money, or for a mother to work part-time (sending children off in the morning, greeting them after school, holding baby more) and no extra money for stashing?
Practically, does it make sense to invest money while in debt (student loans, mortgage)? You usually pay a higher interest rate on loans than you earn on savings. Our goal is to clear our debts sooner (15 yr mortgage, not 30, so build equity faster). I like to think of equity as savings- makes me feel better about not actually putting money aside.
Hashkafically, to what extent are we supposed to anticipate and plan for problems and futures? It seems to me that we should only put away money if it doesn’t interfere with our present obligations. Well, I take my responsibilities as wife and mother very seriously, and I think that working more hours at this point in my life would interfere with my Avodas Hakodesh.
Also, we do put away money; we call it tzedakah. In the words of one amazing teacher: “The money you have, you one day won’t; what you give away, you keep forever.”
gavra: Any bottled water we buy is included in groceries. Or are you suggesting life insurance instead of showers and clean clothes?
mamash: My husband’s benefits include pension and a meager life insurance policy. We opened (small) IRAs when we first got married (with gift $) for the maximum amounts that they are tax-deductible.
When my kids will, IY”H, be ready for marriage, then either:
a)my husband will be earning more than now;
b)I will work full-time;
c)they will get married in a shul/backyard, and the wedding will cost the same as one year’s tuition for 1 child. If the child wants a more costly wedding, he can pay himself.
d)You will sponsor. Seriously, do you have any ideas?
e)If I am doing my part, I think I can be assured that Hashem will send what we truly need (maybe not all the wants, but definitely the needs).
I omitted $2,000 (annually) for student loans (the rest of our schooling was covered between financial aid, scholarships based on need or merit, and gracious parents; however, I inflated some of the other categories slightly (eg- clothing, toys, sholom bayis, summer, trips) so the total remains roughly the same.
username7: Alright, I’ll give our approximate annual budget. Hopefully, l’toeles horabim.
Family with 4-6 kids (infant-12), living in Brooklyn, own small house.
Husband works full-time; wife works part-time (both with >or= masters degree).
Total income: approx 100K
Car service (no leased Odessey, no any car)- 1,000
Cleaning help (minimal)- 2,000
Clothing (includes all articles) and shoes- 3,000
Diapers/wipes/cream- 500
Dry cleaners- 800
Electricity- 1,200
Gas (cooking only)- 300
Groceries (includes non-food eg detergent, shampoo)- 12,000
Haircuts (husband & girls’; I do boys’)- 200
Household maint/repairs/heat- 6,000
Medical/dental (gov job includes med & dent ins)- 1,550 (for copays, meds, and portions of bills that ins doesn’t cover)
Metrocard, 1 unlimited- 1,250
Mortgage (including tax & ins)- 22,000
Phones (2 cell, 1 land)- 1,200
Prizes, books, toys- 500
Sholom Bayis (gifts for each other & quality time)- 700
School supplies- 300
Summer vacation (daycamp for some, maybe a family trip)- 5,000
Trips (Chol Hamoed & other- including car service)- 800
Tuition & daycare (including registration & tips)- 35,000
Vitamins (catch the buy-1-get-1-free sales)- 300
Water- 1,500
YeshivaNet (email & requested sites)- 300
Total: $99,400
As you can see, we just break even (after tax refund- tina you were right about us paying very little in taxes).
We tweak our budget annually based on our records from the previous year and our anticipated needs for the coming year. How do we know how much we actually spend? We write everything down. Before unpacking the groceries, I enter the amount spent in my notebook. When we write a check, we enter it in the notebook. Any money spent gets recorded.
Like I said above, we do our very best to live as we should, and Hashem provides for our needs. After all, our needs are from Him, too.
Tina: Thank you for that info about insurance; that was news to me. Then again, if you work for the government, family insurance is included in benefits.
Tuition is about 7-9K in Brooklyn. With 80-100K income and 6 kids, you may pay 5k per child.
In my experience, day camps here don’t give breaks.
So, tell me again how it’s comparable to making 160K?
tina: Please enlighten me as to what kind of government aid you can receive with an income of 80-100 (unless you have 15 kids).
Don’t we believe “Poseiach es yadecha…”?
Hashem gives you according to your desire (ratzon=ratz-to where you run.)
If your burning desire is to be wealthy, you will sacrifice your values (learning, family, honesty, etc.)for money.
If you’re fine with working for low wages or off the books and utilizing government programs and taking big tuition breaks, you will have what you need that way.
If you think that’s an unacceptable (or abhorrable) lifestyle for yourself, and you’re determined to meet all your obligations, you will work your way toward earning a decent salary, living with minimum if you must, and you will not be dependent on others’ taxes.
Of course, raising a frum family costs a lot, so you may need to live more simply than some co-workers, friends, family, and neighbors. You create a realistic budget for anticipated expenses, and stick with it. “Rasha loveh v’lo yishalem”- You will not get into debt without knowing how you will pay back, so you’re a bit more frugal instead. But you live with a clear conscience, knowing that you are doing what (to the best of your knowledge) Hashem wants you to do.
And Hashem shows His kindness (which you interpret as approval). When He sends an unexpected expense, He sends the extra money to cover it from some (often unexpected) source. He lets the appliances live longer than their life expectancy. He spares you from certain expenses that other families frequently incur.
“Tomim tihye im Hashem”- He won’t let you down.
bpt: I don’t think a man can feel the pain of a woman, who physically sees and feels the loss of the potential for life again and again, so I understand your lack of sympathy.
Of course, a woman’s worth is really not measured by how many children she has. She just feels sort of worthless when she can’t fulfill a basic function of a woman.
bpt, kapusta: thanks!
popa: Sometimes people say the Yeshiva world is judgemental, yet we didn’t condemn you for davening at some blazes kind of place.
Now we have a defense for those who accuse us of being judgemental.
Someone great (don’t know if he’d have wanted to be credited here) said that a “frak” is like an ambulance: has 2 back doors and screeches!