I have no idea if he is guilty or not, but I do know 2 things:

1- You cannot believe everything in the media. So if you read about certain aspects of the court case, don’t be too sure that you got the whole story.

2- Just because someone is convicted in a court of law, it does NOT mean he is guilty. There are have been hundreds of false convictions (of which some were later overturned) in the history of our justice system.

So don’t rant either way about a case you know nothing about (even if you think you do).

bpt – i totally predicted your response!

Like some of the above posters said, marriage is wonderful but takes a lot of work. Some tips I found helpful:

**Focus on the good middos and actions of your spouse. When your spouse does something that frustrates/bothers you, think of those good aspects and feel proud (if you need to internalize better – write it down for yourself).

**If there’s something stressful going on that is getting you both down, do something out of the ordinary to lighten the mood. For example, once at a stressful time in our lives, I made a big heart chocolate chip cookie and put it on the table. I then put a sign on the inside door “Happy Birthday”. A little further in – I put another sign to the effect of “So what if it’s not your birthday?!? Is that any less of a reason to celebrate?” It lightened the mood and we were then calmly able to discuss the stressful issue while feeling very good about each other.

**If you get upset or frustrated with your spouse, do something special for him/her. When you give to another person, it increases your good feelings for them (and of course, their good feelings for you)!

**Compliment often and express your appreciation often. Both of you put a lot into running your home (housework, parnossoh, cooking, learning torah, taking care of kids, etc.) and everyone deserves to be appreciated.

**Daven for siyata d’shmaya to treat your spouse with the love and respect he/she deserves. Also, daven for your spouse’s success in all areas (parnossoh, learning, spiritual growth…).

ok. been at work and i’m somewhat back so i’ll try to respond to whatever i could.

eclipse – i’m sorry i hit a raw nerve – i hope you are moichel me.

aries – a-i’m not saying my husband is not at all at fault, nor am i blaming other women. obviously, he should have gotten help before we got married, but what does it help me to harp on that? will that help my shalom bayis? will that solve his problem now? besides, as one day at a time said, he didn’t realize he had a problem. also, many men with this addiction apparently mistakenly believe that marriage will cure their addiction. and he didn’t tell me until now, because he (again mistakenly) believed he could cure himself and i would never have to know about it. and no, i’m not blaming women for the way they dress, but i think if they would realize what they are doing when they dress that way, they might think again.

eclipse – I’m so sorry you had that experience. But again – what point are you trying to make?

eclipse – sorry if I’m being slow – what point are you trying to make? and what did they fault you for – his addiction or the lack of shalom bayis?

So I’ve been checking out this thread with interest and finally decided to share. I am your pretty typical BY graduate, went to what is considered the top seminary in E”Y, and went on to marry a ben torah who would be going to college for the purpose of eventually making a parnossah. (My parents were unable to “support”, nor would I have wanted them to.) Eventually, after 2 years (and 2 children), that time came and my husband

B”H found a good job. My husband is a really special person; kind, giving, honest, well-liked, hard working, etc. We have a very good relationship, always looking out for each other. Sounds great, no?

Yes. And no. After 5 years of being married, I found out that my husband has an addiction. A bad one. All along, I had this niggling feeling that all was not right, but I couldn’t place my finger on it, nor did I dream what it could be. Baruch Hashem, I was given the strength to deal with this (though it’s often very, very hard knowing my husband could have done these things) and my husband has agreed to seek help. But he’s done this for so long (since before we were married) that yes, when he sees other women, he does wonder why I don’t dress like that. It does bother him that I’m no longer skinny. How could it not?

My point is, I’ve learned a lot from my situation. Some of the things I’ve learned:

A- Yes, it is a man’s job to guard his eyes. But the women also have to be careful to dress in a way that doesn’t cause a man who mistakenly looks to look again.

B- Also, there are men out there who will look, whether it’s because they are bad or because they have an addiction. Why do you (the women) have to make things worse for their marriage?

C- An addiction does not always start as a real choice. For example, in my husband’s case, he heard some kids talking in high school and out of curiosity went to the internet to check things out. From there, it was all over.

D- If you have internet in your home – a mediocre filter will NOT do the trick. Make sure you know what every child (and adult) is doing online. This is crucial to prevent viewing things mistakenly which could cause major issues.

Just as an aside, a relative of my husband’s is very good with computers and does everything on the computer (business, learning, etc.) When I mentioned that if I could, I would throw the computer out of my house due to the waste of time that it causes, (and due to my husband’s addiction – but I wasn’t about to tell him that…) he very strongly disagreed. Sometimes I wonder – if he would only know, would he still respond in the same way?!? He admires my husband so much; if he would know what he was really doing, what would he think then?!?

May Hashem grant us all the strength to do the right thing. Sorry for this long post. I hope it shed some light on the matter.