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Very short Rebbisha story:
A Rebbish einikel borrowed money from someone…..
End of story ?
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving.
Having one child makes you a parent; having two makes you a referee.
Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote.
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
It doesn’t matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.
They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak!
Why do couples hold hands during their wedding? It’s a formality just like two boxers shaking hands before the fight begins!
With a couple celebrating their 50th anniversary at the temple’s marriage marathon, the rabbi asked Saul to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he managed to live with the same woman all these years.
The husband replied to the audience, “Well, I treated her with respect, spent money on her, but mostly I took her traveling on special occasions.”
The rabbi inquired trips to where?
“For our 25th anniversary, I took her to Beijing, China.”
The rabbi then said, “What a terrific example you are to all husbands, Saul. Please tell the audience what you’re going to do for your wife on your 50th anniversary?”
Saul replied, “I’m going to go get her back.”
A plane leaves Heathrow Airport under the control of a Jewish captain. His co-pilot is Chinese. It’s the first time they’ve flown together and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike.
Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, “I don’t like Chinese.”
“No rike Chinese?” asks the copilot, “why not?”
“You people bombed Pearl Harbor, that’s why!”
“No, no,” the co-pilot protests, “Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah. That Japanese, not Chinese.”
“Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese… doesn’t matter, you’re all alike.”
There’s a few minutes of silence….
“I no rike Jews” the copilot suddenly announces.
“Oh yeah, why not?” asks the captain.
“Jews sink Titanic” says the co-pilot.
“What? That’s insane! Jews didn’t sink the Titanic!” exclaims the
captain, “It was an iceberg.”
“Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, no mattah… all same.”
A constantly nagged and harried son-in-law decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a birth day present.
The mother-in-law was upset and asked the son-in-law why it was that he had forgotten her birthday this year.
Meyer, a lonely Jewish widower, was walking home along the street one day wishing something wonderful would happen in his life, when he passed a pet store and heard a squawking voice shouting out in Yiddish, “Quawwwwk … vus machts du? Yeah, du.” (How are you? Yes, You!)
Meyer rubbed his eyes and ears. Couldn’t believe it.
The proprietor urged him, “Come in here, fella, and check out this parrot!”
Meyer did.
In a matter of moments, Meyer had placed $500 down on the counter and carried the parrot in his cage away with him.
All night he talked with the parrot. In Yiddish. He told the parrot about his father’s adventures coming to America. About how beautiful his late wife, Sarah, was when she was a young bride. About his family. About his years of working in the garment district. About Florida.
The parrot listened and commented. They shared some walnuts. The parrot told him of living in the pet store, how lonely he would get on the weekends.
They both went to sleep.
Next morning, Meyer began to put on his tefillin (phylactyeries), all the while saying his prayers. The parrot demanded to know what he was doing and when Meyer explained, the parrot wanted to do the same. Meyer went out and had a miniature set of tefillin hand made for the parrot.
The parrot wanted to learn to daven (pray), and learned every prayer. He wanted to learn to read Hebrew. So Meyer spent weeks and months, sitting and teaching the parrot, teaching him the Torah. In time, Meyer came to love and count on the parrot as a friend and fellow Jew.
One morning, on Rosh Hashanah, Meyer rose and got dressed and was about to leave when the parrot demanded to go with him. Meyer explained that Shul (Synagogue) was no place for a bird, but the parrot made a terrific argument and was carried to Shul on Meyer’s shoulder.
Needless to say, they made quite a spectacle, and Meyer was questioned by everyone, including the Rabbi and the Cantor. They refused to allow a bird into the building on the High Holy Days, but Meyer convinced them to let him in this one time, swearing that parrot could daven.
Wagers were made with Meyer. Thousands of dollars were bet that the parrot could NOT daven, could not speak Yiddish or Hebrew, etc.
All eyes were on the African Grey during services. The parrot perched on Meyer’s shoulder as one prayer and song passed — Meyer heard not a peep from the bird. He began to become annoyed, slapping at his shoulder and mumbling under his breath, “Daven!”
Nothing.
“Daven…parrot, you can daven, so daven…come on, everybody’s looking at you!”
Nothing.
After Rosh Hashanah services were concluded, Meyer found that he owed his Shul buddies and the Rabbi over four thousand dollars. He marched home, upset, saying nothing. Finally several blocks from the Temple the bird began to sing an old Yiddish song and was happy as a lark.
Meyer stopped and looked at him. “You miserable bird, you cost me over four thousand dollars. Why? After I had tefillin made for you and taught you the morning prayers, and taught you to read Hebrew and the Torah. And after you begged me to bring you to Shul on Rosh Hashanah, why? Why did you do this to me?”
“Meyer, don’t be a fool,” the parrot replied. “Think of the odds we’ll get on Yom Kippur!”
Paddy’s in the bathroom and Murphy shouts to him, “Did you find the shampoo?”
Paddy says, “Yes but it’s for dry hair and Oi’ve just wet mine.”
Paddy & Mick find three hand grenades, so they take them to a police station.
Mick: “What if one explodes, before we get there?”
Paddy: “We’ll have to lie and say we only found two.”
Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, “Esther, I ‘d like to ride in that helicopter”. Esther always replied, “I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars – and fifty dollars is fifty dollars”.
One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, “Esther, I’m 85 years old. If I don’t ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.”
Esther replied, “Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars – and fifty dollars is fifty dollars”.
The pilot overheard the couple and said, “Folks I’ll make you a deal. I’ll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word I won’t charge you! But if you say one word, it’s fifty dollars.”
Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, “By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn’t. I’m impressed!”
Morris replied, “Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know – fifty dollars is fifty dollars.”
A Catholic, a Protestant, a Muslim and a Jew were in a discussion during a dinner.
They then all wait for the Jew to speak….
The Jew stirs his coffee, places the spoon neatly on the table, takes a sip of his coffee, looks at them and casually says:
How about a shaale and a kashye? what are the exact transalation for those 2 words?