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Anuran, a variation on your joke:
A man finds a grimy jar on the street, and rubs it with his sleeve. A genie pops out of the bottle and exclaims, “Thank you for releasing me! I will now grant you three wishes for anything you desire!”
“Anything?” the mans asks.
“Anything,” the genie responds, “But you should know that whatever you wish for and receive, your shvigger will get twice as much.”
The man rubs his chin and thinks. “I want a million dollars.”
Poof! A briefcase with one million dollars appears at his feet. At the same time, his cell-phone rings. On the other end of the line is his wife, who breathlessly exlaims, “Yankie, Ima just won a two million dollar raffle!”
The man wrinkles his nose and thinks again, determined to outsmart both the genie and his burdensome mother-in-law. Suddenly he smiles and says, “I would like a new Buick.”
Bling! A shiny new Park Avenue appears at the curb. Momentarily, his phone rings again. “Yankie, Ima just inhereted Uncle Abie’s brand new Cadillac!”
Now the man is peturbed. He thinks, and thinks, and thinks – quantitatively and qualitatively, his shvigger has beaten him twice. Suddenly an evil glint appears in his eye. He turns slowly toward the genie and asks, “So, I’ve got one more left?”
The genie says, “Yes.”
“And whatever I wish for, my mother-in-law gets twice as much?”
The genie says, “Yes.”
“Well, in that case,” says the man, “I would like you to frighten me half-to-death.”
Do what your gut tells you to do. Being alone might be difficult, but being with others might be more difficult. Only you can make that decision. There’s nothing wrong with spending an evening with R’ Eliazar, R’ Akiva, and R’ Tarfon. And my guess is that the Rambam, Rashi, the GR”A, and contemporary commentators from our generation would be good seder company, too.
Sometimes, even the right decision is not easy, or pain-free; but that does not mean it is not the right decision.
Although your children have turned their noses up at Washington, I can assure you, based on the numerous trips we took with our children, that it is a trip well worth it. First, the vast majority of attractions are free (or, technically not, since they receive some form of Federal funding that is supported by your taxes). If you go to a museum in the city and do not like it, you have wasted your money. If you go to museum in Washington and do not like it, you leave and go to the next one and never drop a dime. Two, there are three kosher places to eat that are under the hashgocho of the Washington Va’ad, the Capitol-K, a very careful and reliable hashgocho. And those are just “downtown.” If you go out to the suburbs of Maryland there are more. Three, there is a shul, Kesher Israel, within walking distance of many of the hotels, and numerous mincha minyanim downtown during the winter days. We have davened there and found the shachris minyan a wonderful way to start the day, a truly heimeshe minyan with residents who welcome visitors with large smiles and open arms.
This is all very enlightening.
My neighbor’s son was described as a “fruitcake” – can someone explain that to me?
Chesedname: I think I continued to keep track of what I owed, and I eventually was able to even everything out – but for a while I really had no expectation of ever being able to do so – it’s not easy – I consider myself very blessed that I am able to do this now, and I would never think poorly of someone who cannot –
Poster: the vast majority (I’d say about 95%) of my ma’aser stays within “the community,” with most in town, some to Israel, some to out-of-town places that have caught my eye – but I do give to the American Cancer Society and other medical research institutions because I have friends and family members who have benefited from the research these organizations do – I do not think that their care would have been less if my donation was not there, or that my donation will lead to the breakthrough (I’m not giving those millions) – but I do not feel right about taking advantage of their benefits without giving back, at least something – what does it say in Pirkei Avos – it’s not our place to complete the job, but we’re not exempt from trying, anyway –
Separate notebook, each donation marked separately, with periodic adjustments for taxes (or tax refunds) and business expenses – I used to track pushke donations, but then I figured I do not want H’KBH to be so meticulous when He calculates my salary, so I stopped – most months I am able meet my obligations, but I always try to enter Rosh HaShanna with a zero balance on my obligations – for a long time I kept up with ma’aser, then things changed and I simply could not (we do not eat out, we do not wear fancy clothes, we do not have new “home electronics” or fancy cell phones) – thank G-d, things came around and I am now able to meet my obligations – I think of it as insurance – G-d keeps me employed so that I can give tzedakah – I mostly give to local mosdos, but I would estimate that 5-10% of my ma’aser goes to national (non-Jewish) medical research organizations such as cancer, etc. – we yidden get those diseases, too, so I feel obligated to assist in that reasearch
The old and secularized among us will recall an old Bill Cosby routine in which he reminisces that as a boy, he thought his name was [something we do not say], because as a child, whenever he crossed the line, his father would thunder, “[Blank-Blank], you come here right now!”
(Mrs. Telegrok here): My mother went to public school back in the days when there was no such thing as a B.Y. in America outside of major cities. She learned halacha and TaNaCh from her father and congregational rabbi, and enjoyed a strong and rigorous secular program in public school. Which, by the way in those days, included mandatory Home Economics classes for the female students, which included courses in household budgeting, rudimentary sewing (for mending garments, including stockings), cooking, and baking – there was a complete kitchen in the school, and they took field trips to supermarkets to learn how to select produce.
I am amazed that no one has cited the prevailing authority on this matter, “Fiddler on the Roof”:
Who must know the way to make a proper home,
A quiet home, a kosher home?
Who must raise the family and run the home,
So Papa’s free to read the holy books?
The Mama, the Mama! Tradition!
The Mama, the Mama! Tradition!
(Oh, of course it wasn’t cited – it’s “English music”).
arc – I know – they are very, very, different institutions – and they attract different types of guys –
But, there might be a fellow out there who could find himself feeling “at home” at either – and maybe as he is thinking about how he is going to pay for his tuition and living expenses, etc., the notion that there is a yeshiva where he find a seat and learn for no charge might be worthwhile –
it’s informational, that’s all –
In my time I’ve had the privilege and joy of wandering into a lot beis medreshes all over the place – and I’ve found that if I close my eyes and just listen to the love of learning, a lot begins to equalize –
having said, I also recognize differences in hashkafah, me’halachs of yeshivos, etc – but, again – there might be a guy out there who can’t afford to pay and can’t afford to take out loans –
If $$$ is an issue, try RIETS (YU) – seriously – if you have an undergraduate degree, there is NO TUITION FEE to learn in the yeshiva (obviously this includes going to various shiurim, as well – it’s not simply, “yeah, grab a seat in the beis medresh and make yourself at home” – you get the full four-course experience); if you’re single and get admitted to one of the YU kollels, you also get a free dorm room; if you’re married and get into one of the kollels, you have a shot at a kollel apartment on campus – there may be stipends for single guys, too
You all laugh, but this is how my husband and I met – kind of. But it would never work these days because boys and girls are not permitted to meet in “natural” environments.
In the late 1960’s the social committee of my parents’ shul identified a need to establish a “kosher” meeting place for the youth; even at that time, popular music and film was undergoing a rapid change for the worse, and an innocent date for dinner and a movie became a potential mine-field because the content of films had become quite inappropriate. The shul responded by converting a basement room into a “youth lounge,” which would be outfitted with some tables for cards, a pool table, and a record player; the goal was to provide a place for social gatherings within the shul aside from the gym, which was the domain of the boys.
In order to raise funds for the project, the parents devised a raffle of “kosher” activities – the point was (1) to raise money for the renovation, and (2) demonstrate to us kids that there was more to life than movies and concerts (at least until the lounge was completed). The prizes included tickets to the zoo, museums, the local ice cream shop, and the skate rink, etc. The condition was that each prize consisted of two tickets and the winner had to find a date (winners were required to be post high-school, they were not encouraging high-school dating) from among the other “kids” in the shul (in our parents eyes, even college kids were “kids”).
Well, one boy who I thought was a complete nerd won tickets for a boat ride in the park. My girlfriends and I were nearly convulsing with laughter at the thought of this nebbish asking a girl for a date – he wore eyeglasses, attended city college at night, worked part-time during the day, and looked perpetually lost. While we joked about how long it would take him to fall out of the boat, he took his ticket to the mistress of ceremonies and asked whether she would intervene on his behalf in order to facilitate an introduction with one of the girls.
I nearly spilled my Coke all over my white skirt when Mrs. Goldish strode over and picked me up from the shoulder. The rest is history. Behind the glasses was a nice boy. Nothing remarkable, but we had a nice enough time and found each other’s company interesting.
So, the raffle can work.
gavra: I saw the p’sak in a sefer, but I think it should have the cite there to the Igros Moshe, assuming the author relied upon a published matter and not a personal conversation
jphone: yes, that is precisely the issue that was addressed, whether one could use ma’aser for child-related expenses and the answer was as you relate
Gavra – my understanding is that Rav Moshe held that the age until which one is obligated to support his children now reaches 17 or 18 or so – the 5 years old threshold from the gemorah was based on an assumption that children went to work at a young age and began earning money, hence they were no longer aniyim who required support – nowadays, however, children customarily reside with their parents (or are supported by them) through high school years – that is why ma’aser cannot be used to support a child past the age of 5 or 6
not a critique of any positions you’ve taken, I just wanted to add a note on what I learned Rav Moshe held
l’maiseh, I personally think that there are untold consequences and prices we will pay for the current situation – I’ll likely be stoned for saying so, but here are a few – (1) used to be schools could tap grandparents when parents could not pay full tuition, but now that grandparents are primary payers, there is no second well; (2) parents sending money to children but not saving for their own later years, placing strain on communal institutions that may need to care for them; (3) babies raised by day care providers instead of mothers (granted, two incomes are often necessary, but we are talking here about forgoing even the opportunity for a mother to raise her infant child on a daily basis).
my husband would wear them until they were so gray they could be seen beneath his white shirts
I taught him how to hand-wash them
the reason I refuse to wash them is because he is capable of washing them, but would not only because he does not care – if he did not have the five minutes, or was truly incapable of doing it, then I would – but I won’t induldge his laziness and consequent wearing of gross dirty tzitzis just because he does not care
his penalty for wearing dirty tzitzis is no kneidlach on shabbos – I’ll serve luchshen with the soup, but if he wants me to roll kneidlach in the kitchen, he better be roll his tzitzis in the sink
[Telegrok here peeking over wife’s shoulder – I have a mesorah to not wash my tzitzis, it was a groise minhag in the dorm when I was a bochur)
english teacher – you are my hero
jent1150 – you would be fortunate if your children were educated by english teacher
When my husband is away on business over a weekend (in our neighborhood we get the collectors on weekends) we keep a cooler with sodas and snacks by the door; I or my children explain that we do not give money if our husband is not home (we do not say that he is out of town), but we offer them a cold drink in the summer and a snack; in the winter, we can offer them a coffee or tea in a paper cup with a lid. My husband used to make sandwiches for the Sunday collectors (even when he was home) but a meshulach who did not want to eat the sandwich (he did not eat from homes he did not know) took it (so we would not feel bad) and gave it to his driver, who later claimed that the left-over Shabbos deli made him sick. So we stopped making sandwiches.
We once had a meshulach who thought my husband was a goy, because he was painting the house that day and was wearing old work pants and a hat. The meshulach spoke very slowly in one-syllable words (my husband is very tan with dark hair, he looks Mexican) and using his hands a lot, and, like a lot of us do when we think someone cannot understand the language, we think they are deaf, too, so the meshulach was nearly shouting, “I WANT TO SPEAK WITH THE MAN OF THE HOUSE” and my husband said, “Yes,” and the meshulach continued, “TO ASK HIM FOR DOLLARS, DINERO, FOR POOR PEOPLE” and my husband said, “Yes,” “WHO DO NOT HAVE FOOD OR CLOTHES,” and my husband said, “Yes,” and took out his wallet and the meshulach, nebach, thought the day laborer was giving him money.
* yawn *
I think the best seating arrangement is to have the men at the far end of the table with the women close to the kitchen since they need to spend their time there, anyway.
Better yet, just have the women eat in the kitchen.
if having a shabbos guest is going to make the husband’s/wife’s heart stray, then that person is probably not committed enough to the marriage and should not have gotten married in the first place. More and more the Torah observance community is fast losing its grip on halachig observance that walks hand-in-hand with common sense.
the result is that the joy of yiddeshkeit is replaced by an ever-quickening spiral downward toward exclusion of anything that does not fit the narrow strictures imposed by that month’s “chumrah club.” Is it any surprise so many kids are falling so far off the derech?
EDITED
when my boys were in mesivtah they were permitted to wear only white shirts, but the boys in the yeshiva gedolah were permitted to wear colors as long as they (the colors) were “suitable business attire” (i.e., what Jothar referred to as Slobakain “conservative elegance”). The reasoning of the Hanhalah of the yeshiva was as follows – the yeshiva bochurim were taught that they must treat yeshiva with no less kavod than they would a business meeting, and in fact were encouraged, though not required, to also wear neckties to the beis medresh, i.e., like men who wear a suit to the office but remove the jacket, but still wear a tie and dress shirt throughout the day – the rationale made quiet an impression on visitors who would visit the yeshiva and see 100 guys in ties learning – it made an impression on the boys, too, they felt important and choshuv
the high school boys wearing white was a bit of a different, albeit related, rational – the rosh mesivta was raised in a strict European home where proper manners were emphasized, not only kavod for people but also table manners, etc – the mesivtah had a strict dress code – shirts tucked in, shoes polished – they did not care about designer labels but they wanted the boys to appear clean and well kept and to feel that they, too, were important – so the rosh mesivtah instituted “white shirts only” because he felt that they boys would be more careful to not stain a white shirt in the dining room because it would show more easily, and the high school rebbeim would send boys back to their dorm rooms to change if their shirt was spotted – by extension, the rosh mesivtah thought that would improve dining room manners since careful eating would be required to keep shirts clean – it worked, one would join the boys for Shabbos or a week dinner and one felt as if (quality of the food aside) one was at a business lunch the boys ate so nicely
the white shirt rule was suspended for the purim seudah for obvious reasons
I am admittedly late to the conversation: but how did people meet and marry before the “crisis”? What has changed?
Well, I am bit disappointed that thread endeavoring to determine what type of Jew I am died so quickly. My ego thus takes a beating, but I suppose it’s good for my soul.
That matter aside, I read these debates, back and forth, back and forth, “My brand is better than your’s,” “Those people are heretics,” “Those people are religious snobs,” “Their way is not THE way,” blah blah blah, goes on and on and on.
And I think of HKB’H watching all of this from above. And I think of parents watching children argue about who offended or disobeyed the parent more, and the parents stepping in and saying, “Stop fighting amongst yourselves and stop lambasting each other in the guise of trying to be mechabed me. Because your infighting brings me no kavod. Retreat to your corners and determine to be the best, most honest people you can be ACCORDING TO THE IDEALS THAT YOU HOLD AS TRUTH. And set the petty bickering aside.”
So this one eats potato chips with the wrong hashgocho? Fine – don’t take a chip from him. But before you castigate him, check your own moral inventory.
None of us are perfect.
Including me.
After all, I had sukkah decorations.
Last night after dinner I put away the sukkah decorations and then washed the dishes. Next, I spent some time learning, after which I exercised. Finally, I said krias shema and went to sleep. This morning I woke up, showered, and went to shul. After davening I said tehillim, had a cup of coffee, and went to work.
What kind of a Jew am I?
Best Chol HaMoed Trips: (1) local hospital, with your age-appropriate children, a lulav/esrog, and a plate of cake. (2) local nursing home, with your age-appropriate children, and a plate of cake. (Check patients’ dietary restrictions before offering food). Maybe an hour during an afternoon of a couple of days of chol ha’moed.
Nothing makes a bigger or better impact on children than teaching by example that while we have time off from work and school we SHARE that time with others who not be able to go on trips or be with family. The opportunity to teach selflessness should be embraced.
no easy answer – depends on the boy – but my follow-up question, what about a yeshiva boy in a co-ed work environment – ? Where is the line drawn?