Rebbidovid1, I just opened an account to respond for your question:

Please let me add a few points from my experience in this field.

1) Hakaros hatov plays NO role in whom you have as your family Rav, or you marry or what yeshiva you’ll send your kid to. Hakaros hatov will never dictate for someone to destroy a relationship either.

2) From the way she addressed her concern, it sounds like she has the most beautiful and polite way of expressing herself about things that cause her discomfort, which is from. The most important things someone can ever want in a spouse.

3) You say that she doesn’t really have a concrete reason why she feels uncomfortable with the Rav, SHE DOES, Newsflash about ALL women, she’ll only tell you what’s really bothering her once she feels completely safe and secure about you and your reaction, as well as the feeling that you REALLY care what she wants to say.

4) What may very we’ll be what’s bothering her is that she feels that you will maintain a better relationship with your Rav and his opinion over that of your wife, and your Rav will be the most important person in your life. It looks like maybe you do view it like that, if you do, marry your Rav.

What she is asking you In a roundabout way is, if you marry me will you care more about me or your Rav. Are you willing to take on a different rebbi ever? Or if you had to pick one , me or Rebbi would you take rebbi?

There is not a woman in this world that will be willing to marry a man who values someone else more than her.

If you can convey to her wholeheartedly that she will always be #1 in your life, and the Rav is there for “guidance” and not your “brain and heart” she will most likely become comfortable with your rebbi.

In one sentence, she has no interest to marry your rebbi, she wants you to be you.

May Hashem give you the clarity in this challenge that you face and you should build a bayis Neman biyisroel.