TakenUsername

yentingyenta, :: hugs :: , I felt similarly to what Lior wrote.

Having said that, (I think) I am finally able to narrow down my dilemma.

This is the analogy I thought of:

Let’s say you are having a Shabbat meal. You know if you invite X to this meal, there is a good chance they’ll become religious because they’ll be inspired. If you don’t invite them, they’ll stay not religious. But you can’t invite them because you know for a fact they’ll drive over to you. (Pretend in both cases, those results are fact.)

So now you don’t know which one is the Yetzer Hara. Is the Yetzer Hara telling you to break Shabbat or is the Yetzer Hara telling you to not invite X because the Yetzer Hara doesn’t want X to be religious?

Is the Yetzer Hara telling me to divorce so DH won’t have a wife and will suffer spiritually with no one to motivate him or is the Yetzer Hara telling me to stay, knowing that the marriage will fall apart and we’ll both be too broken to be spiritual at all anymore. Or are both options the Yetzer Hara and there is an option C that I can’t think of?

I hope this made sense.

I wouldn’t stay together for the baby. My mother did that. She finally, very bravely, left a horrible situation (not comparable to mine) and my 2 year old self went and shouted “Daddy, Daddy!” up and down the stairs every day so she went back to him. She went through hell and back with him and so did we.

This is a bit of a weird situation. I guess depression plays in as well as resentment, but we both care(d) about each other. It’s ironic because I can see our relationship being a very nice one if we were divorced. Which I guess is the case for a lot of people.

I’m trying to ask myself if this wasn’t a marriage, and no baby involved, if I’d stay or leave. I can’t seem to answer that. So I guess it’s part possibility that it can work out and part spiritual reasons.

There is a point to be made with those who said that it’s not worth our tears. I mean, if it’s fixable, of course it’s worth our tears. But if it’s just going to drag on, it won’t help anyone.

The bottom line is that after everything, there will still be that guilt. I know that Rebbetzin Heller is very into how the marriage is the woman’s responsibility- it would actually make me feel better if someone like her, who shares her views, can tell me to allow the divorce. Maybe trying to get an audience with her might not be a bad idea.

Other than that, maybe reading the relevant Gmara might clarify things a bit more.

I’m loving the responses.

Thanks for the replies!

I don’t personally know any rabbis. There is one toddler involved. I guess “halacha” isn’t the right word, per se. More like spirituality. It’s spiritually bad. I’m looking for more insight into that, and ways for me not to keep thinking that I’ve made a horrible mistake letting it go, if it comes to that.

It might not be the right forum but I’m trying different outlets; maybe someone will say something that will make a difference. You never know.

He went to a Dayan a few weeks ago and he was told he can’t get a divorce without trying therapy so he’s reluctantly agreed but only going so he can get it out of the way and get a divorce. I doubt he’ll participate, but it’s worth a shot. We’re going next week.

I guess the main problem is that, with him, you never know if he’s doing something because he wants to or if he’s just going along with it because he thinks he has no choice or “just because.” And he won’t communicate that either, so I’m nervous therapy will seem like it’s working but in reality, he’s just faking it and then things will get bad again after a while of him “faking it” and exploding. If asked, sometimes he’ll say he’s faking it and was lying about being happy, and sometimes he’ll say he really wants to try, is happy, and was lying about faking it. But is that uncertainty enough to not try and work on it? That’s the only thing holding me back from trying fully. The possibility that even if things seem like they’ve worked out, it could just be an illusion.