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Csar – I wear my dad’s old shirts and have the same problem.
Put a comma after ‘out’. I assumed you did it on purpose.
After you narrowed it down to one sefer, I was actually willing to look for it! Thanks so much.
Too bad, then I guess you aren’t as funny as I thought you were.
PBA – you left out a comma
yeshivish – thanks so much for that last one. I thought of the pasuk but had no idea where to source it to/from
These links let you know who isn’t using their original SN. Now it’s got me wondering who some of them were in their previous lives.
🙂
I don’t have to take anyone shopping.
I have time to listen to lots of shiurim cuz the CD player is always free.
Now THAT’S funny
Chuck -You really think we didn’t get it?
I am not sure that a girl needs 1 outstanding quality. Wouldn’t a bunch of awesome qualities be better? Don’t get nuts about the dating. Here’s what our insecure brains do to us: we go on a date with a boy and we want them to love us to prove our worth to ourselves. When he doesn’t want to go out again, we are sure that even though he doesn’t know us from beans, and even though we didn’t like him either, he should have loved us anyway. We must be worthless. And the joke is that if we don’t want to go out again, we can rationally say that it is not about HIM at all, it is about the match. Go figure.
(If I make it sound ridiculous enough will it help us keep it in perspective?)
As dora explained, she was making general statements because she was speaking generally. She never accused yummy or postsem of doing this, she stated a very real problem that exists and most people who do this can NOT identify it in themselves anyway. Her recommendation was to look hard and see if it applies. If not, than be grateful. Why twist her words and tell her she is wrong just because you don’t find this issue to be yours? It IS out there and no post listed any of us by name as the afflicted.
so that’s it. i don’t agree. end of my posts on this thread. bye 🙂
how very mature 🙂
Postsem and yummy – I don’t think it is fair of you both to slam dora for saying something you either misunderstood, or just don’t agree with. I was also older when I got married and was a very hard person to match so I am speaking as one of that bunch. Dora is correct in what she said and you are free to feel differently. But I have to tell you, and you both know that I have never spoken to either of you about shidduchim so I am saying it more generally, just because you think you want to get married does NOT mean you do. Being offended doesn’t change that. It isn’t an insult, it’s a mindset. And lots of girls will not admit they married their fathers even five years after the fact.
If you disagree, feel free to do so, but why not throw your opinion into the pot instead of making her take hers back.
dora – I don’t remember if I agreed with your words back then or not, but I have certainly learned a lot since then. One lone ‘yea’ vote from the farms in the midwest.
SiDi: I think you mean song , as in shira, not sound.
welcome blabla! Glad you made it through!
WIY – You are so right.
PBA – I’m not sure I understand why you aren’t willing to express your opinion as an opinion and allow room for other opinions. You seem quick to tell a person they are wrong when they are relaying their own personal experiences based on knowledge you gained through online articles, and then call people ‘not nice’ when they ask you to respect a different view point. It confuses me, but the truth is, I just try to avoid it. In this particular case, as WIY expressed, I am just afraid you are giving an out to someone who may be desperately looking for one, but who really needs help.
And words of inspiration from Aries!!
Pba: Im not sure why you said that. I wasnt being ‘not nice’. I was stating a fact that we usually have differing opinions so now is no different. I meant no harm.
I agree completely with your second post. But it has nothing to do with my objections which you obviously did not understand. Not surprisingly though, I don’t think we are on the same page about very many things in life. Which is also fine, since you aren’t marrying my daughter anyway.
It was your message and implications I was objecting to. However I would love to know who you would refer to as ‘relevant people’.
leibadik – that is a nice theory but does not hold true for addictive behavior.
PBA – when you spout words of insanity out of nowhere it is often harmless. I wish you would refrain from doing so when you haven’t a clue and the topic is more serious. If you prevent even one person from doing the right thing because of that chip on your shoulder, it would be a real shame.
In addition to what Health said, Guardyoureyes.com encourages people to go for counseling but it also conducts 12 step groups by phone which is nothing at all like getting help from self help books. Many people have gotten good advice and chizuk at crucial times in their marriages from “chatting” with others in their situation (not just reading about them in books) and the conference calls (I think they have for both men and women)are run by trained 12 step leaders.
NOMTW – Okay, you first. It is very easy for someone wonderful to feel that way. Here is the secret. Your less Gdly side (your yetzer hora, if you will) wants to see if it can rob you of your simcha and menuchas nefesh. When you haven’t accomplished much or are socially inept, or if you have other failures, then putting yourself down is a piece of cake. You can be called a loser, a failure, a bum, you name it. But if you have accomplished a lot, and polished yourself up, and really done well with yourself, the button to push has to be internal. No sense arguing with reality, instead your core is doubted, attacked, belittled. All your motives and strengths are questioned. But it is ALL A SCAM!!!!!! This is a piece of you trying to drag yourself under and steal your glory. Just think how stupid it would be if your Y”H tried to tell you you were a failure, it wouldn’t work because you have diplomas to prove it. But if the Y”H decides to attack your insides, who will tell him what a fool he is? YOU must. Pull yourself up and say, “You know what? I’m not so bad. I have some great qualities and my depression/inner voice/y”h is just trying to unhinge me. I AM NOT FALLING FOR IT!”
I read an awesome R’ Twerski story where he speaks to a girl who was using and cutting. He asked her how she could destroy her beautiful self. She laughed and said everyone thinks she was just garbage. He said, “You’re right, and that scar on your face is really ugly” to which she replied that she didn’t have a scar on her face. R, Twerski explained to her that his insult didn’t hurt her because she KNEW for a fact that she didn’t have a scar. If she KNEW FOR A FACT that she wasn’t garbage, she wouldn’t believe that insult either.
You may have been told that you will never be good enough, or maybe you are expecting perfection, or maybe you are hoarding faults of yours that you (very) mistakenly think negate your richness. Well you need to just tell that little voice that it is full of baloney, and that you are awesome and have friends and can call yourself good things even if you are still a work in progress. Call its bluff.
I always believe that people like me because they don’t know me. That when they find out who I REALLY am, they will not like me anymore. It always keeps me from feeling secure in anything, waiting for that day to come. But it isn’t real. I worked hard to find out where it came from, but that isn’t the point. The point is that it isn’t true, and you cannot give it credence.
You will have to forgive me if I gave you the wrong shmuz, maybe this isn’t what you are about. But in my anonymity I was willing to take a chance 🙂
MP and NOMTW – please give me a chance to gather my thoughts, I have so much to say to both of you.
SaysMe – Beautiful answer. You really sound great!
Cleaning the basement, the coolest place in the house. (doing laundry down here too) My kids send me food down thru the laundry chute and I’ve been sleeping in the closet with the camping equipment. I’ll be upstairs as soon as it turns 75.
My older kids get the little ones to pre-wear all their clothes. One of my kids put on 8 shirts at the same time and got stuck in them.
bein Hasedorim – Thanks for the words of wisdom. I always have a pit in my stomach when the nine days comes and get extra chizuk when I see little acts of Hashgocha Pratis (above and beyond the norm) during this time.
In addition to her speaking to the Rav, tell her to get onto guardyoureyes.com for support and advice from experts.
snort
CAD – good to see you!! I also love that coffee ice cream but I couldn’t finish it myself. Well, not in one sitting I mean.
Cheese blintzes!
Zahavasdad – I felt exactly as you do but the truth is that what you have experienced isn’t true everywhere. Thank Gd. That behavior of theirs is not global. Maybe it is general for your neighborhood or community, but I too always believed it was a given and have learned that it isn’t. I feel like you have too many good things to say to let them be lost on others in the cynism.
yeshivish316 – Sorry for being part of that. I still am stupid enough, sometimes, to think that if I explain it REALLY clearly, the point will be heard. I should have known better. Your contributions are important and I would really like them to be heard. My husband, who grew up completely secular, and I work very hard to instill meaning in our observance and teach our kids they have an active and loving relationship with Hashem.
Clearly
only when your eyes are closed
Had you read ANY of the posts you would have heard me say that Feif had much more in common with Chareidim than I did. I said it, re said it and said it again. But if you feel you know my childhood school better than I do, you will prove many stereotypes to be true.
42 – I agree. Especially if you wear them with black knee socks and loafers.
Sam2: I hope you’re right. I’m tired of swimming upstream.
95 – What in the world made you swap that? That makes no sense at all to say choppy is making sense. He obviously twisted my words and is making statements that can’t hold water. Why support that?
As an aside – If you would like to play with words, more of the people in my class who went off the non existent derech came back to something than did the BY girls who went off.
Changing a posters words to make it say something you are more comfortable with is the type of behavior that sends these children running. In your eyes, my class probably wasn’t ever keeping Shabbos in the first place.
I thought it was Shakespeare
yehudayona – Are you THE yehudayona???????????
My son asked me if he could wear shorts today but I looked out the window and didn’t see any neighbors wearing them so I told him he couldn’t.
<wondering if someone out there would really think I’m serious>
choppy – I was pretty clear about stating that we had no derech to go off of. And as Feif explained, this was NOT an MO life. It was a “live on the fence” life. I have to tell you that the kids in my class were raised wearing pants/shorts and no hair covering, few made brachos Except for when eating bread. We davened but minyans were not ‘required’, it was a “better this than nothing” lifestyle that was created to keep these kids (50 years ago) out of public school and for MOST, it worked. This is the place Reb Noson Tzvi went. Nobody did anything bad, they just drifted. The girls in my daughters school who went off did so with a vengence. The things they did in 6-11th grade behind their parents backs were things I never would have done in all my years of “modern” life. It’s a non-comparison. And MANY of the kids in my class became very frum when they got to Israel. Some opened yeshivas and yeshivot there.
Thou shalt find a way to disagree with a point, not a poster, and do so in a respectful manner
That sounds a lot like where my brother is now. There is a real kesher to Hashem and His Torah. We didn’t have any of that. Just as an FYI, not to start a tangent (please no) but when I registered my daughter for BY here I did it with baited breath. Just waiting for them to say the wrong thing and send me walking. They never did. No fire and brimstone in this particular school. She learned a lot from role models and soft speech. The fiery ones were a sad minority who did their damage but have been replaced, B”H.
I can now see why you felt an attraction. I wish I had been raised with some of that. B”H my kids are.
Thanks for sharing!
Itche and Feif – That’s interesting. I was raised very modern, similar to the way the OP describes. We kept what we kept and considered some stuff “extras” like covering your hair, wearing skirts and kol isha. We never asked poskim things, just the shul rabbi. I don’t think there was much holding any of us on. I never thought of leaving but I felt I had lots of freedom to do what I wanted, I never really learned any philosophy or purpose to any of it. For instance, I knew that if you wanted to eat on Shabbos, you had to make kiddush and hamotzie first. I didn’t know that you had to make kiddush and hamotzie for their own sake.
By the time I finished high school, most of my class wasn’t religious anymore. Some ended up “frumming out”. I am just surprised that the empty, buffet-style derech would be inviting to you. But you also seem to know TONS more than my peers did. I assume we are talking about two very different definitions of MO.
BTW, most of my family ended up becoming more religious to some extent or other.
shticky – I happen to have a mod card with Joseph’s picture on it but I am not telling which one. Try and top THAT!
(how do people think of these
ridiculous usernames?)
ooh ooh, the hate!