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Another thing – calling the police will only make things worse, unless it’s pikuach nefesh, because she will pay dearly when she’s alone with her mother again. We went to therapy as a family a few times, but I knew I was being set up, even if the therapist thought they were helping. I knew I would suffer for anything I said, so I said nothing. I got yelled at for not being cooperative and wasting their money, but it was better than suffering later for telling the therapist the truth, being called a stupid liar and worse and having to be alone at home with her after.
Each of my siblings have coped differently with the abuse. I chose to maintain contact after high school to support my younger siblings. I knew what they were going through and wanted to be there for them as much as I could. When my younger sister was 11, I was visiting and she crawled onto my lap on a lawn chair in the yard and sobbed, “I just don’t know what to do! I want to make her happy and I try to stay out of her way but it doesn’t help!” I went home to my husband and sobbed for hours because I couldn’t protect them. I remember saying that I had the money I would have gone to court for custody of them.
Sibling #1 is now married with kids, moved hundreds of miles away and cut off all contact with all family. Sibling #2 is married with kids, has a simliar personality to our abuser (glad I wasn’t home to see THOSE fights) but somehow was able to form better parenting skills that what we grew up with.
Sibling #3 is even more sentitive than I am, can’t hold a job, abuses alcohol, engages in other self-destructive behaviors, and has lo aleinu attempted suicide.
This is why APBYG needs to get out.
APBYG – I don’t know if it’s a matter of winning as much as of minimizing your losses. I decided that enduring criticism for not bringing friends over was preferable to being degraded and humiliated in front of my friends. That way at least I was controlling what my peers knew – choosing to keep my peers out, rather than them witnessing the abuse and my feeling rejected because they didn’t want to be around her either. And how could I blame them? I never studied with friends until college!
Saysme – “people assume every time she sees her mother, her mother yells at her. that her entire pesach is going to be misery with not a moment of peace.” This was my life. Even when there was no yelling, I was constantly on guard because I never knew when it WOULD start. It is terrifying and exhausting to be a teenager trapped in this situation. You don’t understand unless you’ve been there. Even my (future) husband didn’t believe that “someone could be THAT bad” until he met her. He was shaken to the core and would brace himself when we’d see her. We almost never see her now, and when we do she tones it down – at least in front of me – I think because she knows I don’t fear her anymore, and I will defend my children from her without a second thought.
Oh, and what someone said is crucial: document EVERYTHING. Have a notebook you keep under your mattress or something and write down the date, time, and description of what she says and/or does. Even if you don’t feel like it or it’s happened so many times that it doesn’t seem to matter if you write it down again. It establishes a pattern and even if you never need to show anyone else, it will help you to realize this is NOT your fault.
You can create a code if you’re afraid she might find it, for example 03202229 YF if she just yelled at you using foul language.
Taking pictures/recording is a GREAT idea. If I had had a recording device of some sort (this was decades ago, remember!), I would have had proof to at least show adults who wouldn’t believe me otherwise.
So here’s your homework: Start a notebook, and make a phone call. I’m rooting for you, BY Girl bas Torah. 🙂
Dear aproudbyg,
I really wish I could be there for you because the more you post, the more I remember what it was like for me decades ago. I remember hiding in the bathroom from her because it was the only place she wouldn’t come after me (although I could still hear her yelling through the door). Tiptoeing around and never knowing if/when it was safe to talk or even be seen. The justifications for the screaming and foul language. Being too embarrassed to have friends over because I didn’t want to be humiliated in front of them. Being yelled at for never having friends over… I couldn’t win.
This may seem harsh, but here’s what you have to do: GET OUT. Everything you do now, you need to do with the ultimate goal of leaving and not looking back. It is TRULY pikuach nefesh. I wish I could help you…
I just reread some posts and I want to address this: “through out my years friends have always said they look forward to shabbos as a break from the week i always thought they where joking,cause in my house i dread it cause it means more yelling at me and somethimes things being throne,i said something ot my brother about shabbos and said he always felt the same way about dreading it… “
I wasn’t frum at your age, but I dreaded weekends and couldn’t wait to go back to school. School breaks and summer vacation were sheer gehinnom. This is not normal!! The day I went away to college was one of the happiest days of my life. I was very close to my father, although it was years before I realized he was to blame for not protecting me.
Hashem should protect you and give you the strength you need to endure this! I really feel for you.
Good for you. I was very hard on myself for a long time before I really understood that the abuse wasn’t my fault. For years I wanted revenge and I wanted her to apologize for the years of misery. Now I just feel pity for her, and I realize that she must have been abused growing up as well. No one learns to treat others like that in a vaccuum. I can’t change her, but I also don’t have to be around her.
I have had wonderful mentors over the years who I am so grateful for. I hope you don’t have too much longer before you’re out of H.S. Having a plan is a really good thing…
No, I never confronted her. It only stopped when/because I wasn’t there. If I went back to visit, it started again, and if not with me than with someone else (she hates everyone, not just me). After I had been out of the house for several years, I married and we became frum after that. She was and has been horrible to us because we became frum as well, but after several years she could see we were raising children with good middos. I think she also understood that she was only seeing us a couple times a year because of her general demeanor.
I got myself into therapy before we had our kids because I was terrified of being the same kind of mother she was. I kept hearing ‘oh, you could never be that way because you know what it’s like’, but I didn’t trust myself. Turns out my MIL has some BPD traits, and that has been gehinnom at times. The most helpful things have been a good frum therapist and living several hundred miles away.
The harder she pressures you to stay, the harder you need to work to establish yourself far away from her. Maybe make aliyah from seminary if you can. I don’t even know if that’s possible – I’m just saying it because it would be easier to stay gone when you’re already gone. I know how long it’s taken me to cope with the after effects of the years of abuse, and anything you can do now to help yourself is a gift you are giving your husband and kids in the future iy”H.
Dear aproudbygirl,
I was in your position decades ago, and my heart aches for you that you’re going through this. It is NOT your fault. SHE is responsible for how she treats you. The book “Understanding the Borderline Mother” helped me immensely. I saw my abuser on page after page.
Things WILL get better, maybe not tomorrow or next month, but they WILL. Daven for the strength to get through this. You deserve better, and you will be able to build a good life for yourself when you’re out on your own. BTW, under NO circumstances should you stay at home after high school. This is a matter of pikuach nefesh for your neshama. You’ll need to build youself a support system to counter the years of abuse before you start with shidduchim, not just for the sake of your husband, but also for iyH your children. I’m not the perfect mom but I am far better than my ‘role model’ was…
Another possible source of help is the Shalom Task Force. It’s strictly confidential, no caller ID. 888 883 2323 (718 337 3700). They can help you with referrals if they can’t help you.
Hatzlacha. I am glad for you that you have internet access so you can seek out support. There was no internet when I was your age and I felt so, so alone.