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And it’s best to “hear” it in a group of other Carlebach lovers. That’s when you get the full effect! :o)
I know a guy who wears a kippa sruga and lives in a smallish city in Israel. One day, as is his norm, he picked up a hitchhiker who needed to get from one end of the city to the other. The hitchhiker wore a black hat. As his his norm, the driver asked the passenger for a dvar torah, which was provided.
Then, as they approached the passenger’s destination, the driver went out on a limb and asked him: “Do you think there will be a time when we will all be able to get along?” And as the passenger exited the vehicle he answered, “Nope. We want all of you out of our city.”
We’ve got a while ’til Moshiach, I’m afraid 🙁
Popa: rofl
I HATE cleaning chickens – so now I buy them from a place that delivers them already clean. really clean. fathers all burnt off.
So now, what’s left is: washing up after myself (I need a little elf to follow me around the kitchen… anyone want a job?); cleaning out the sink/drains (ewwww); cleaning fresh mushrooms (just thinkin’ about that cuz I did it today…).
@Wolf: I was waiting to hear how that Shabbat went. Glad to hear all are healthy! :o)
WiseWOman: I like the one from the “Bride who knew nothing ” cookbook. I’ll try to pass it over by heart: Chicken pieces, fresh mushrooms, baby onions (or cut up larger ones) in a pan. sprinkle with salt and pepper. pour on 2/3 cup of dry red wine. sprinkle with fresh (or dried – but better fresh) parsley and thyme (I don’t like thyme, so I use basil). melt 2/3 cup (? sounds like too much – not remembering…) margarine and pour over everything. Stick in 2 bay leaves (I don’t) bake uncovered 1.25 hours. Yum.
I think you’ve nailed it, Moq… but why? Why do girls get involved in pursuing degrees/careers while they wait for Mr. Right, while boys “rot” – as you say??
Is it sociological? peer pressure? HS’s which emphasize different values (ie, grades (read: knowledge) as highest importance)? Maybe there are developmental differences at this age – boys are less motivated and responsible?
We are boring, boring: Fri night: chicken soup (sometimes with homemade kneidlach); chicken – sweet or spicy (once in a while with fresh mushrooms and wine); plain rice; roasted potatoes; frozen broccoli. Sometimes dessert. Day: gefilte fish; chulent or shnitzel or grilled pargiot; kugel – potato or onion lukshen or sweet potato; left over rice. Sometimes dessert.
Um… Maybe because it takes a very secure guy to agree to date a highly educated girl? And those are hard to come by?
smartz – I have friends who married at 23, 24, 25, 33, 34 and 35. And later.
And I have friends who married younger, but didn’t have kids until later. much, much later.
And I have friends who married young, had kids right away, but couldn’t afford their own home for many, many years.
And the waiting period for all of them was painful.
We always seem to to trying to “catch up” to those around us. That makes it even more painful than it has to be.
I think what is interesting here is not that WIY is concerned that a Jewish girl is watching movies, but at the incongruity of a girl in BYBP watching movies.
Had the girl been in Flatbush Yeshiva, for example, would he be having the same reaction? It is still a frum girl, filling her head with the same garbage… But, perhaps such behavior is “expected” from certain frum girls and not others?
So, I don’t think it is the movie per se that is bothering WIY, as much as the hypocrisy of a BY girl doing something that a BY (and all those involved therein) is supposed to frown on.
So now the question can be rephrased as : Why is this girl doing something that her school (presumably) doesn’t allow? Where does this double standard come from? (And do the MO have something going for them, by way of less hypocrisy?)
Sean – I think you are underestimating the Rabbis these days. I thank many are very understanding of special needs. The sign of a good Rabbi (IMHO!) is one who doesn’t answer what he doesn’t fully understand, but DOES have a big index card file full of numbers of colleagues who DO understand the issue being discussed! And which he doesn’t hesitate to use as needed!
My son has sensory issues as well – tho not tactile – more proprioceptive and vestibular. he looks ADHD, with all the fidgeting he does, but is not. it does take a lot of explaining.
he also has some of the lack of pragmatics and social cue recognition mentioned – also not to the same degree. That requires explanations to adults, but I find kids either accept him as is, or they don’t – and explanations don’t help.
Back to the topic… I both have personally, and treat professionally, special needs children on the “spectrum”. I have treated many kids with Sensory Integration issues, almost all Orthodox.
Did you have specific questions, or were you just looking for support/vent :o)
shall we just subsume this thread into “broken telephone” now? or wait a few more rounds?
telegrok- are you my mother-in-law? you sounds suspiciously like my mother-in-law…………..
a far away place, there lived
Lunch was ice cream. Double scoop, in a giant cone. Dinner – salmon and pasta.
RamatEshkolian: rewards are not the same as bribes. Bribes happen before the action “If I give you this, then you have to promise to behave” – never works, cuz they already have what they want. Rewards happen after “If you behave, then you will get X” it’s the child’s version of a paycheck; we get ’em, why shouldn’t they?
Yaffa – actually it is a known developmental fact that children cannot share until they first feel a sense of ownership – you cannot share what is not yours to begin with. Some kids develope this sense of ownership earlier and some later. So, yes, the technique suggested in the article you read is on target.
A genuine, real person is that Rav/Morah you had as a teenager, when the world was just starting to take on hues of gray, who’s whole being reflected the very ideas they taught you.
SMS – sorry so long :o)
If the nursing/sleep/put down/wake cycle is still an issue: If you know for sure baby’s not hungry (you’ve pumped to check how much he gets at a typical feeding), you might have to tolerate a bit of screaming as he gets used to another way of soothing himself. So, you could put him in a front carrier (wrong position for nursing, but still close to you), as you work around the house. Or in a stroller/car seat, near you. Always with that same blanket (see my previous post). Use pacifiers; babies need to suck. (you can always burn them when they turn three! :o) ).
I think the goal here should be: 1) minimal blood :o) and 2) ongoing interactions. Because as long as they are interacting, there is potential for their relationship to improve. Once they cut each other off (or you cut them off, by constantly separating them), they will have trouble relating as teens/adults.
Also give them alternatives – a lot of feeling words, etc… Example: “Yossi, look, Shmuely is so sad/angry/frustrated when you break his building. If you want to play with him, use your words and ask him” And the opposite for the older one: “Shmuely, I know you’re upset that Yossi broke your building. I think you should tell him exactly how upset it makes you. Why do you think he did that, anyway?”
BP :o)
Sometimes laziness isn’t exactly that. It might just be that the person works in spurts: they clean/work on a project furiously for a few hours or a day, and then “laze” away the time they could have spent on that project, had they moved slower.
I guess the question to ask is: Are goals being accomplished one way or another? If so, then this could be termed “functional laziness”
Also – be sure all medical reasons are looked into (thyroid, depression, etc…)
It was cold in Europe. All they had were chickens, onions, and water. = chicken soup
Of course a person’s personal life status affects the way they do a job. Because it affects the way they view the world.
You know, something that came as a surprise to me: In Israel, a job candidate is expected to put on their resume their age, marital status and whether they have children and how many. Totally unacceptable practice in the States (illegal to request, I believe), but standard In the Holy Land.
Why? I think for the reason I mentioned above; whether being married is considered a benefit or detriment for a particular job, it is considered the potential employer’s right to know.
Politicians waive their right to privacy; we find out about every doctor’s appointment they have, and everything their kids do or don’t do. That is because the press has decided (and rightly so, in my opinion), that everything they do is related in some way to what they stand for and/or how well they are able to do their job.
If you don’t believe in what a politician stands for in their personal life, you are likely to find yourself disagreeing with their policies at some point down the line. Follow your instinct.
Is it possible that the “It’s time for Minyan!” of the newlywed, is the same as the “Take a sweater!” of the mother of a bochur ?? Maybe it’s simply an expression of love and concern and wanting to give and to be needed.
Misdirected? Maybe. But perhaps it would be helpful (read: more conducive to Shalom Bayit), were the newlywed husbands to view it in this way….
Not only does the same thing happen to men, but at least women are AWARE that they might be somewhat unattractive (and might even feel bad about it, and try to do something about it – successfully, or not), while men assume they are the same stud-muffins they were 50 pounds ago… :o)
MosheRose would be very welcome in the Ramat Bet Shemesh Bet community, where his wife can wear a burka. I can guarantee that EVERYONE will be looking at her (they are still somewhat unusual, and ironically, generate A LOT of stares)- but nobody will be able to see a thing past the layers of cloth, head to toe. If he’d like, I am sure she will be happy to wear it to bed as well.
Hey, if someone had tried to set me and my spouse up by working from a paper it never would have happened. We are complete opposites, with different personalities and interests. We weren’t even religiously EXACTLY alike at the beginning.
16 years and counting………….. :o)
I am with you. I don’t have to lose as much, but about 20 pounds would do me good. What I find is that I tend to do things in spurts: Either I eat sensibly and walk almost-daily and go for checkups, dental appt.s, pedicures, etc… ie, really focus on MY well being. Or I do none of the above. And they happen in cycles of several months. Or more accurately – several months off, and several weeks on!
I also find that as soon as people start complimenting me on how I look – I turn off. It sounds crazy, but I completely lose motivation to continue. However – fitting into smaller clothing DOES help. Also, focusing on how I FEEL (energized, less tired, less stressed [walking helps LOADS with the stress factor], not bloated, etc…) helps me more than numbers on the scale.
Someone suggested focusing on 10 pounds at a time, not 30 or 50. I say, focus on 1 pound at a time. THAT’S do-able! :o)
BTW, if you are looking for a stranger to be e-buddies with for this, I would be interested. I think I might to better with that than a local friend…
HLM – BY 26/27 many unmarrieds are not strictly in Yeshiva anymore. Or, if they are, they have been to enough married friends houses (or out on enough dates!), to have had a bit more exposure to the forbidden species.
Whatru – I disagree. I needed to look at dishwashers to figure out which features was really important to me in a dishwasher. And that’s just a kitchen appliance.
I think these things vary with place/custom. In Israel, for example, outside of the strict Chareidi circles, one sees a huge variety of Shabbat-wear. Men in white shirts and khakis, men in suits, men in colored/plaid/striped shirts. Women with head-coverings of every imaginable type (including those that women in certain cities in America wouldn’t even wear to take their garbage out.), women without stockings, women in tee shirts, and women in chatuna outfits.
One thing I’ve noticed: the wider the variety in outfits, the more heartzig the daavening. Generally.
My own homemade cakes and cookies. And parve chocolate (not homemade!)
YG1 – I think the theory underlying your post might be summed up as: “If they’re supposed to be old/mature/responsible enough to get married, than they are old/mature/responsible enough to handle their own dating process” And the inverse would be correct as well!
And good luck with that haskama thing. (hint: sometimes, you just have to do things grassroots, and let the chips fall where they may: either you’ll get the haskama later, or you’ll be asked to disband – but if even one successful shidduch comes out of that first un-haskama-ed meeting – it will have been worth it!)
I have faith in “the existence of One G-d who created the world and runs it”. I believe that this is “provable” to a point; the little bit beyond that point requires a leap of faith.
And I believe that this is how it was meant to be. Because if G-d’s existence and His running of the world could be proven beyond a shadow of a doubt, there would be no nisayon of bitachon. It says “HaKol B’Yidei Shamayim CHUTZ m’yirat shamayim” – if the belief in G-d were so obvious, it wouldn’t require any effort on anyone’s part.
we do “different” kugels: lukshen w/ fried onions and brown sugar; zuchinni; carrot; sweet potato pie; brocolli (crustless). We usually make the zuchinni and carrot kugels as muffins. The lukshen is good that way too.
For Shabbat lunch, when I am not in the mood for chulent and don’t feel like frying shnitzel, I grill boneless chicken thighs. YUM! And we eat lots of rice – night and day.
BP Totty: Let’s take a step back a minute. Here’s a mashal: I am looking for a dishwasher currently. How do I know what I need? I research – read about cycles, water temperature, etc…; I look at colors; I speak to my friends and go “visit” their dishwashers. An awful lot of time spent involved in dishwashers before I buy one. And that’s just for an appliance!
A typical Yeshiva Bochur, at age 21, has no way to know “what he wants” in a girl, ‘cuz he has no opportunity to research girls. Girls are assur. Can’t look. Can’t talk to. Thinking about them is the Yetzer Hara at work. What do we expect from these kids?
You have a problem. This woman is lacking appropriate boundaries, and has found in you an accomplice for her inappropriateness. While Smartteen makes an interesting hashkafic point, it sounds to me like by doing what you are physicaly able to do (in order to get schar), you might lose your sanity! You did not mention whether this is impacting your Shalom Bayit, but I can’t imagine that it is not.
Here are two ways you might want to consider adjusting your relationship with this woman:
1) Gradually: the next time she asks a favor of you you can put conditions on it (ex: “Oh, you need me to pick up your dry-cleaning? No problem. i’ll be in that area Thursday and i’ll be happy to do it then”)
2) Cold Turkey – with the intent of coming back in gradually, if necessary: when she asks a favor of you you simply tell her that you’ve realized that all of the different chessed activities you are involved in are taking away from your family time, and you need to cut back right now. As soon as your household is over this hump, you will let her know. She may get more insistent, calling more often, to test you. Stay firm with your line that you will let her know when your time has freed up a bit.
Once she has stopped assuming you will always be there helping her, you can then decide if your want to offer something at your convenience (“I’m going to the bakery,can I pick up some Challot for you?”)
Perhaps this isn’t the definition of “true chessed”. I am looking at it from the poster’s perspective, as someone who is obviously not “shalem” with doing the chessed the way it is being requested of her. No one person can fill the role of a “Chessed Organization”. If this woman needs help to that extent, then she should be referred to an appropriate local Organization…
You guys are so funny. Arguing about whether it is OK to “bluff” on a CV… What about the guy working out of 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue who bluffed on his BIRTH CERTIFICATE???
Frankly, I’d say, all religious values aside – he has set an excellent example for us all to follow!
I don’t think girls should learn to drive before marriage. And I don’t think they should learn to drive with non-frum instructors; Unknown influences, and all. Nor male instructors; Tzniut issues. So. Where does that leave us?
What about a compromise? If college is not an option they are happy with, what about a “blue collar” type career path? They can take a quick course in appliance repair, for example, and become apprentices 1/2 day, while they learn. Then they can open their own businesses and work as much as they feel they need to to make ends meet at any given point in their lives, and learn the rest of the time…
Saftala – Don’t mine the media; keep the big picture in mind. We will NEVER lose it – that’s a thousands year old promise.
but Sacrilige – Israel without Moshiach is still exile. it’s just a more exalted form of exile, because you are closer to the sources of everything we believe in as Jews. And because the Siyata Dishmaya is so much more apparent in EY, it is easier to integrate all of the lessons in Emunah you’ve always learned, and really LIVE them…
Minyan Gal is correct. There are hours and hours of hands-on practicum work that goes into becoming an EMT. if there IS a company trying to reproduce that with on-line studies, I would stay far, far away!
Moving to Israel with teenagers is not recommended – unless the teenagers themselves are gung-ho and ready to go! One way to improve the chances of success is to visit as many times as possible before Aliya. Having both spouses on the same page is highly recommended as well!
The financial issue is huge – especially if you move to an area where there are people who are very well-off and there is pressure to “keep up with the Schvartz’s” (yes, that phenomenon exists in Israel too – less than in chu”l, but still there). People have had to be very creative in finding ways of making a living. On the other hand, if you’ve always wanted to start your own business, make your hobby into your job, etc… that’s what many do when they get to Israel.
I think Someone Who Cares’ reasons are ALL valid (tho I am not sure everyone who is reluctant t leave family/friends can be called immature!). On top of those I would add that one very good reason NOT to come to Israel is because it will magically make your life all better. Whatever issues you bring with you to Israel will remain with you, and be compounded by the normal Aliya issues. So do yourself a favor and sort out your marriage/troubled kids/financial problems (as much as possible)/in-law troubles/character disorders/halitosis and whathaveyou… BEFORE you get to the Holy Land. ‘Cuz, frankly, Israel has enough of those without you!
Apashutayid: I believe there are specific segulot attached to Maftir Yonah and to Pticha D’Neila, but I can’t quote sources (other than my father!). Peticha D’Neila is supposed to be segula for easy childbirth. And Maftir Yonah for parnassah.
While I agree that in an ideal world these Kibbudim should be handed out by merit, in a world where the Rabbi must get paid, as must the bank, the youth director and the cleaner, to name but a few – the potential revenue can’t simply be dismissed. What if it is a question of selling these few kibbudim, or raising the price of membership overall? I think the tircha d’tzibur involved in the latter would dictate that the Kibbudim be sold to those that can afford to shoulder that financial responsibility. Every institution will always have those that contribute more financially and those that contribute more in other ways. Both should be respected – and, yes, honored.
What is very nice – and I’ve seen this numerous times – is when a ‘gvir’ buys the aliya or p’ticha – and then gives it to someone worthy who couldn’t have afforded it…
As a very young child, I remember being at a relative’s Sukka. We had all gone inside to wash for challah, and when we came out we found a large grey cat EATING our gefilte fish!!!
Speaking from both sides of the “couch”: The way I see it, therapy is stigmatized because people who “need” therapy obviously have something going on that is more than they can handle alone. And it is intangible.
What I mean by that is: We all have things we can’t handle alone.
Example: We have a baby boy on a Friday – Mazal Tov! – and we’re a bit stressed about making the Shalom Zachor that night. We might get snappy, short-tempered. So, recognizing our limitations, we accept help from neighbors to bake or pick up stuff for us. We will hire a caterer for the Brit. Nobody looks down on us: “Why didn’t they cook all the food themselves? What’s wrong with them? Why do they need to turn to professionals for help?” L’hefech – people who try to cater their affairs themselves are looked at as the crazy ones!
But those are “tangibles” – cakes, cups, sodas…things we can see and touch and say – “Oh, yeah, it’s really too much. She just had a baby, of course she can’t be expected to make 40 cakes. Understandable – I’d do the same!”
It’s the intangibles that scare us. The anxiety, depression, phobias, anger. We can’t see them, can’t quantify them – often don’t actually know too much about them. (A part of us might worry: “Maybe we even have them – and don’t know it!”). And because we can’t get a grasp of what it is we’re dealing with, instead of being as understanding as we were about the need for store-bought arbis for the Shalom Zachor, we shun those who admit to seeking professional help for such “intangibles”.
Stigmas are most often formed by the fear that stems from a lack of adequate information.
To my chagrin – free. The shul coulda used the money :O(
sms: now, as you rock your baby, hold a specific blanket or small soft toy between you and the baby. Be very consistent – same toy/blanket everytime you rock him (her?) to sleep. Then start putting the toy in the crib with the baby. The toy will a) absorb your smell, which babies love and b) be associated with the calming experience of being rocked by you. Hopefully, it can soon be significant enough on its own to replace the rocking. (Altho, the rocking is great, and if it doesn’t disrupt the household too much, maybe it should continue a while!)
I have them shower and get into pj’s right after supper. Then they have time to play or watch a video or any other quiet activity. I give a few minute warning before bed. Then they go upstairs and brush teeth, get into bed. Sometimes I let each pick a short book for me to read to them. We say Sh’ma, with a whole routine: I sit on one kid’s bed for one part, scratch his back. Move to the next kid – massage his legs. Whatever each kid prefers. Then hugs and kisses – and THAT’S IT. My kids know: once they are in bed there is no getting out! They don’t have to sleep (if one complains of trouble falling asleep I FORBID him from sleeping until morning! Once the pressure’s off, they fall asleep in minutes!) – but they cannot talk in anything above a whisper, and they cannot put their feet back on the floor until the sun shines thru the window.
I am also very strict about not letting kids sleep in my bed; when they would cry from their cribs, I used to climb in with them and help them fall back asleep there, rather than take then into my bed. As they got older, and they came to my room after a bad dream, or whatever, I walk them back to their bed and stay with them a few minutes there.
The only time things are off-schedule is Friday/ YomTov night – where sometimes we run late and the younger kids fall asleep on the couch and get carried upstairs.