Forum Replies Created
-
Posts
-
so that we don’t end up accepting rabbas and the like who call themselves MO?
Not all MO people accept Rabbas. Its actually an extremely small LW majority.
EDITED
blinky, that sounds like an excuse. No frum person goes OTD because of a slit. He may have decided not to fight his desire anymore, but that’s it.
Remember, women are not required to wear burqas because a man may have a taiva. We are required to dressed tzniusdigly according to our own mesorah and halacha, not according to the whim of every man.
My high school actually had a class about marriage in 12th grade and discussed things in fair detail. I laughed because they spend 9-11th grade telling you to stay away from boys and then 12th grade telling you to marry them.
Am I the only one who holds hands with many people? My kids, my mother, my sisters, my friends…
My husband and I are in Florida this week. We took the kids to Disney World, we held hands at certain points so we wouldn’t get lost from each other.
Looking at your spouse in public can have more of a chibah connotation sometimes than holding a hand.
While Rav Avigdor Miller was a brilliant Rabbi, he gave general advice for the overall population. Specifics for couples are not always the same. In my marriage, me being submissive just wouldn’t work well.
My husband and I are b”h very happy with each other.
I avoid fake sugar whenever possible.
Kasha,
From what I’ve read (supposedly quoting statements from parents whos kids were excluded) was that they were willing to do everything the stricter school wanted, and the school didn’t want them.
Truth be told, Israeli Charedi is a foriegn concept to me. I know its vastly different than American Charedi and American Charedim are often not accepted by the Israeli Charedi communities. So maybe this is just Israeli culture.
I don’t assume any media outlet is unbiased.
oomis, if you want to debate with other women only and much less moderated, check out imamother. Its a great website for frum women with a ton of diversity.
I try to follow the customs of the land to a certain extent. But if I go to visit my mother in Monsey, its still ok in her crowd to wear sandals. So I do. If I have to go to the grocery store, I will.
If I am going to New Square and I know ahead of time, I will try to dress more closely aligned to their dress. I don’t totally alter my dress though.
Kasha, there are limits to what kind of grants you can get for secular education. Welfare grants are unlimited.
However, as citizens they are entitled, so long as they follow the law. I personally think their protest must be valid because the protests were peaceful.
It seems from what I read though that they are trying to exclude sefardi families who are charedi.
I’m not taking sides.
I hate when people make up sources. I also hate when they take things out of context to “prove a point” which no one buys. This is especially annoying when you can have a great conversation starter, and lies, fabrication and half-truths cause the conversation to dead end.
Wolf, with the picture on the wall, I ihave a feeling that’s more of a “sensitivity” thing, where someone can dig up a source, rather than halacha. I’m not even sure chumra is the right word.
L613, all it says is that he doesn’t subscribe 100% to the yeshivish dress code. However, usually you can extrapolate that it means he is not 100% yeshivish, more yeshivish oriented.
says who, many wear sandals.
Clearheaded, there was a takana issued with regard to marriage. Did I miss the stockings takana? And, many, many Orthodox women don’t wear socks OR stockings. I don’t think Daas Yehudis would encorporate only a portion. Minhag hamakom is much more likely. I don’t (and more than likely would never) live in a place that I couldn’t wear sandals.
Clearheaded, I don’t think everyone needs to be in love to make their marriage work. I needed it though. I also recognize that loveless marriages can be hard to live in.
I think selfishness in marriage is also really hard. I know because I am naturally a selfish person. It has taken a lot of work on my part to become a better spouse. My husband is naturally amazing at it. I’ve learnt a lot.
Both spouses should constantly be trying to anticipate the needs of the other spouse in an effort to improve their marriage. The more you give to someone (assuming its reciprocated in some way), the better the marriage. I’m not talking about “stuff” (like jewelry or cars), I’m talking about the entire picture.
Were bare feet allowed in the midbar?
The only answer I’ve heard was that yes but people wore long robes. But the same communities that don’t allow bare feet, don’t allow long skirts for women.
OK, lets get back to the original point of this thread. How do we prevent prevtable divorces? [we won’t debate what is or is not preventable as we’ve hashed at that]
Teaching brides and grooms about communication and not being selfish is priority number one.
Kasha, my sister is not MO. I don’t know who she asked regarding this shailah and I don’t want to give out her rav, as I feel its a breech of her privacy. You don’t have to accept it, it doesn’t really matter to me.
I won’t bother with MO sources.
Kasha,
My sister lives in Lakewood. Her posek allows nude stockings and no stockings when the minhag hamakom is to allow bare feet.
Can’t a woman stipulate in her ketubah that he can only marry another wife if she agrees?
I doubt you would find any frum woman who would agree to this. I know there is no way I would stay with my husband if he took on another wife.
Kasha, read my post on how to prevent divorces. Please comment:-)
Kasha, if the basis is how do we prevent unnecessary divorces that’s different than saying most divorces are preventable. The only way I know 100% to prevent divorce is to not get married.
First, I think both spouses need to WANT to have a happy marriage. They need to communicate effectively. They need to have the same short and long term goals. They need to learn to live unselfishly. They need to learn to not take advantage of their spouses weaknesses. They need to learn to prioritize in all aspects: money, time, goals, happiness. And they need to be compatable. If you do all these things for each other, I think love, in most cases, will come.
Kasha, if you are married, you must have a very happy marriage, and not know people who are miserable.
I b”h am very happily married but know cases of a few divorces that needed to happen. I am thankful that halacha allows divorce.
If I were in a bad marriage, I would choose agunah over living with a man I couldn’t be with. A woman can rarely demand a divorce, but a man can generally grant one.
I guess what I’m getting at is that a man is technically permitted to give a get if his wife burns the stew right? So doesn’t that seem less important than a strong emotional connection like love?
But a man is permitted to give one under other circumstances. Are there any limitations on him?
I pose this as a halachic question: when is divorce allowed?
If we go by the mon analogy, we shouldn’t buy food because it should just appear.
I’ll stick to my shabbos leftovers.
HIE, when I went to camp, tips were not allowed so I never dealt with this. However, as a parent, I could see wanting my child to give over the tip and say “Thank you” directly, rather than through me.
When the time comes, I will need to think through this more deeply. I look forward to this discussion.
Squeak, I’m rolling about the “Torah N.O.W.” comment!!!
You don’t comment enough.
I don’t know – I think we are all talking about the same love. The contention is WHEN it should occur.
For me: before marriage
For others: after marriage
I don’t think either is “better” or “worse” but I know that I couldn’t commit to a marriage without it.
Clearheaded,
So what you are saying is that a person should live in a hate-filled marriage because of the path Hashem has given them? Can’t you apply that to abuse as well?
I can’t imagine bringing children into this world into a hate-filled marriage.
Geography was always my best category.
Even if I was given a current version of Trivial Pursuit, I would barely know Entertainment questions.
Clearheaded, when you don’t love someone, it slowly erodes your desire to do anything for that person and will often turn to hatred.
Lets take a typical example: man puts dirty socks on the floor instead of the hamper (my husband uses the hamper LOL). When you love the person, its a minor annoyance. When you don’t love the person, it becomes a bone of contention.
Sure its a silly example, but tack 1,000 of these type of small things and a loveless marriage turns into a hate-filled marriage. Unfortunately, I know a few of those.
According to your Rav sure. Mine said it was no issue.
Poster, I was always taught that its only negiah bderech chiba that’s forbidden, so bumping into someone isn’t really a problem. Same reasons I was told I could shake mens hands at work.
If you want to avoid any possible bumping into each other, then you need to do chassidish beshow style dating/engagement. Most yeshivish people I know still see their fiances before the wedding.
Yes.
Why?
I’m not saying everyone who has long dating/engagements abstain from forbidden contact, I’m saying we did.
I hesitate to say no, because I’m sure at some point we bumped into each other accidentally. Otherwise, no, no forbidden contact.
What part of “we followed halacha” wasn’t clear?
So right, my husband and I hung out in school buildings 99% of the time. People were always milling about.
And yes, we followed halacha.
My husband and I met 3 years before we got married. It was our freshman year of college and there was no way we could get married then. We were friends for nine months before we started dating, dated for 1.5 years and then engaged for 9 months. We had originally planned to wait until after graduation, but my mother encouraged us to get married a year before we graduated. I was already living on my own (too far to commute from home) and my husband coming to live with me added negligble costs. I’m glad we waited to get married, but I’m also glad we didn’t wait until we gradutated.
My husband and I noticed each others negative traits and were able to discuss our issues before we got engaged. I think that really helped keep us close but realistic. We learnt that communication is primary and how to effectively communicate (and that we COULD). Since we were both in school together, we spent lots and lots of hour together every day (both in class and out of class). We really knew each other inside and out by the time we got married.
Self control is possible if you would like to. We followed our rabbinic guidelines.
This is so bizarre that I don’t even know how to respond to this.
LOL.
Smartcookie, I agree with that.
Thank you.
Did my post come through?
Smartcookie, I needed that before marriage. I don’t believe you can really love someone after 2-3 beshows.
Wolf, hashkafa was also somewhat important but my husband was more right wing than I was, but we fell in love and wanted to make it work. So we did.
Hereorther, I thought you were just making mistakes, but now you say you are misconstruing information on purpose. I wont debate you under such circumstances.
EDITED
Smartcookie, a good husband, a good father and someone I get along with isn’t enough for me. That’s a good friend or good roomate with biological ties.
I wanted to marry someone I loved (in addition to someone who would be a good husband, father and get along with) , not someone I liked enough to live with. So that’s what I did.
My expectations of my husband were slightly different.
Smartcookie, are you saying that non Chassidim divorce over narcissistic reasons?
I think the difference is really what we want in marriage. Non chassidim are more prone to want everlasting love. Chassidim are more prone to want a good husband/father that they get along well with.
If I’m hand washing dishes, I don’t stack so that the bottoms don’t have to be scrubbed as hard. If it goes into the dishwasher, I don’t care 🙂 Although, we don’t tend to stack actually. I’m golden in the shidduch scene!
Wait – we have a thick plastic tablecloth (non disposable that we replace once a year) over our nice table cloth. The tablecloth below is one my grandmother made as a child in Germany. There is no way I would want to ruin that. Is that unacceptable?
Well, at least I’m on the right track!
I really like Settlers of Catan too.
We played it in high school history class 🙂 It was an awesome competition.
I know its a different vein, but have you tried Magic? Its somewhat luck based but still heavily skill based. I don’t play it but my cousin used to.