Sister Bear

hey observanteen – I am thanks 🙂 Sleep is such a miracle!!!! I think lack of sleep caused a lot of problems 🙂 even though they are still there at least I can handle them now…even if they keep piling up. 🙂

am yisrael chai – um yeah I did but that was because I’m a little sick so I was at home and had no energy to do real work 🙂

2scents – thanks for the advice. What if something can take a while, like you do it once, then have to perfect it but you can keep on perfecting it forever. How do you stop yourself. Also I don’t know what generation your from (I’m not trying to be insulting) or how long each thing on your to-do list is but i’m from the new generation and I can’t spend hours on one thing and each thing can take hours 🙁

But I’ll try to do a to-do list it makes everything more organized in your brain.

But the problem isn’t really my to do list. It’s more like a mental list of things that I need to do and all these issues that keep cropping/piling up without enough time to do it, literally unless I wanted to have 3 hours of sleep. No joke.

Thanks everyone 🙂 I appreciate it.

Thanks kapusta but not what I’m looking for.

Wow bomb that’s hard to cut off ties with someone and still live together.

So you’re basically saying that she should have no emotional contact with her mother?

Observanteen – that must’ve been really hard!!!! I don’t know what I would do if that happened to me. oh my gosh.

Thank G-d I have my own life as well. I don’t see her all the time and don’t worry I do not obsess over her life, for better or for worse. I only got really concerned when she started talking about giving up, I wasn’t sure what that meant for her.

Wish me luck on telling her all this!!!! 🙂

“no i mean if you know of any places which would take me on in such a role…id gladly help out”

What about Project Chazon (Rabbi Mechanic’s thing), I think he deals a lot with kids at risk or what about contacting Rabbi Wallerstein, I know he does things for girls but he’ll know where to point you in the right direction.

You totally should!!!!! Good luck and thank you soooooooo much!!!!!!!

Hey bomb thanks for the response.

So my friend is pretty self sufficient, she buys a lot of her own stuff but for like necessities, yeah she depends on her mother.

I can only imagine, I mean she’s your mother so even though she didn’t act like a mother should, she was your mother. It must’ve been very painful!!!!

I’m not sure if my friend has heart to hearts with her mother anymore but her mother will like pick fights with her randomly. I don’t think they have any emotional thing, she hates her mother (that’s what she texted me.) But her mother is still her mother, and deep down she wants her mother to recognize and show that she loves her so every time her mother does something to try and hurt her, it hurts. But I’ll let her know..maybe I should make her read this thread, if she doesn’t ‘kill’ me first.

Oh, we’re open about and don’t dance around it. Although I rarely go to her house, instead she comes to me. I’m not sure exactly why (I don’t have problems hanging around at anyone else’s house), but I never liked going over to her house and preferred her coming to mine. I don’t think its cuz of her situation, but do you think she might think that? Thanks for that (at least I know I’m doing something right :))

LOL it took me a few to get the apple joke 😉 Hope you become successful in all your endeavors.

Do you think that her line of thinking is correct? That if she listens and does everything her mother says her life will be better? For instance, she bought some things that she needed with her mother’s credit card and her mother got angry at her and said she has to return them. I told her not to, I said if your mother wants those things gone, she’ll have to return them herself. So she said yeah well then she’s going to take my license. I said so hide it. She said well what good is it if you can’t drive. So I texted her back and was like, your not going to be allowed to drive anyway. So don’t return them you won’t be able to drive for a few days and soon your mom’s going to need you to do something and your gonna be able to again.

Do you think it would be better for her to lay low and listen because she’s only going to be home for a “little” longer or should she stand up for her rights? (personally I think that she should stand up for her rights because I feel that more emotional damage will happen (even if she is speaking to a therapist) if she just takes everything.

Um, I guess the Mods can send me your email address, if you don’t mind at all.

“make a comic book about me…” – lol

Once again, thank you so much for everything!!!! I really appreciate it!!!!!!!

bomb I’m like speechless!!!! I feel terrible that you had to go through something like that!!!!! You sound like you are a really strong person!!! That must of been terrible for you to go through!!!! Everyone above me said it better but that’s what I’m thinking.

So to respond to you – first off thanks so much for the advice, I assume it must be hard for you to relive those years and I really truly thank you!!!!!

So my friend, she did try living somewhere else but for certain reasons she cannot cut ties with her mother fully and although the situation was better when she lived somewhere else, for whatever reasons she is back at home and for many other reasons she doesn’t want to leave although I’ve told her again and again that she should get out. But she won’t.

“Your friend can develop problems of her own.”

We were talking about this how the children of abusers can turn into abusers themselves and all once they have kids. She realizes this and is getting help on that aspect.

“I can guess what those complicated reasons are because that’s why I never left my home.”

You probably can, on some levels and I don’t feel comfortable spilling her whole life story out, but there are other reasons because her whole life situation is a mess.

I don’t think her mother makes it up to her because I don’t think her mother even realizes she’s in the wrong. Her mother will say some stuff, punish her and then when she needs her to do something she’ll let go of the punishment but only with restrictions. From my understanding I don’t think her mother realizes that she’s ever wrong.

“Your friend can develop problems of her own.”

I think that she is aware of this, (at least in the sense that its much easier for kids of abusers to become abusive) because we spoke about that and she said she is getting help on that.

wow bomb!!!! I can’t even begin to imagine what life like that was like!!! Thank G-d her mother doesn’t physically abuse her but she does threaten her with physical stuff like no sheets and things. I totally agree with you (not that you need my agreement on the matter) that she needs to stand up for herself and not take the abuse. I have told her that again and again that she needs to stand up for herself and that is why her mother treats HER like garbage and not her sister, because her sister doesn’t take it and her mother is scared of losing her sister. Her mother knows that if she treats my friend’s sister terribly she will leave but she knows my friend won’t.

My friend though thinks (at least from what I figure) that if she doesn’t listen to her mother then she will get punished so it’s not worth it not to (did that make any sense?). Although now I think she is starting to realize that either way she’s going to get punished and she needs to stand up for herself and not listen to her mother because it won’t help her in the least bit.

Do you have any advice on how she can slowly distance herself from her mother emotionally (I don’t think they’re that close as it is). And I think she should talk to you 🙂 maybe she’ll listen to someone who’s been where she is but I doubt she will.

Also, besides having a shoulder to cry and hug on, is there anything else that your friends did that you helped the situation at all? Did they give advice that you didn’t want and the like and that got you upset….cuz I want to know also how to help her as a friend.

And thank you again for everything bomb – I really appreciate it.

and coffee addict – the likelihood of that happening is about as likely as hurricane irene not hitting the east coast, unfortunately.

Hacham – I’m doing that 🙂 do you know how many of my texts to her say “air hug” 🙂

bombmaniac – I heard about it here and my family NEVER gets these magazines but that week I was by someone who had Ami and that was the only article I read. 🙂 I should tell her that someone else went through what she did and she’s not alone, she’ll come out ok. So to answer your suggestions in order: she is seeing a therapist, so that’s taken care of. She did try living somewhere else but because of some issues she wasn’t able too and she doesn’t want to leave her home for complicated reasons, so how can she manage the situation while living at home for now at least?

I don’t really understand the dependency thing – do you mind explaining it to me a little clearer? Oh and I do, she knows my house is her house, my mother is her second mother…but it’s still not her house.

Also, she’s very passive so if her mother says ok you can’t have I don’t know something that someone needs she just stands by and listens. So when she tells me these things should I just be there or should I tell her to stand up for herself and stop trying to appease her mother cuz it’s not going to help (she did realize that already, but still…)

adorable – thanks for that. Yeah, I’m not there for the hock and thankfully she’s knows that.

coffee addict – I wish it was that simple for her. But it’s slightly different since aren’t you married with a kid? But does that mean it’s never going to change???

The reason that I’m posting this now is because she’s giving off vibes (for lack of a better word right now) that she is giving up – in everything. She has medical problems and doesn’t want to get help for them anymore, and now for these at home issues….she’s losing hope in life, the world, and probably even Hashem (even though she’s been very strong throughout) how do I help her????

observanteen – amen 🙂 thanks for that.

aries2756 – let’s just say she’s a teenager, but an older one. Does that help? (I hope this doesn’t sound fresh, that’s not my intention at all) but what difference does it make?

MPC – sorry that’s slang (at least where I come from) for a therapist.

Thanks for your responses Coffee Addict and Yossi Z. 🙂

Unfortunately happiest she didn’t come this week, she got sick but hopefully she’s going to come another time. I’ll let you know how it goes. Daven it works out!!!!!!

Yossi Z. – ya, she’s not interested in Judaism at all (or she might be, it’s kinda complicated) so we just wanted to talk about stuff that she could relate to and see that you can still be ‘normal’ and frum, if that makes sense.

ItcheSrulik – sorry I wasn’t able to post until now…and sorry it’s not my birthday anymore but….Hashem should grant you (and all of those who are looking for seminaries and yeshivas in Eretz Yisrael next year) that you should grow in Torah, Yiras Hashem, Ahavas Hashem and experience the true beauty of Eretz Yisrael, no matter which Yeshiva you end up in…but Hashem should place you in the yeshiva that is best for you, and may it also be your first choice (does the yeshiva system work the same way as the seminary? 1st choice, 2nd choice :)) and you should have hatzlacha in all that you do there, gasmius and ruchnius as long as it’s the right thing.

Hope that works too 🙂 and sorry it’s late.

Thanks everyone for your well-wishes and MP…celebrate now…better late than never…Happy Belated Bday!