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BP: Funny post! 🙂
Actually I learned in a chasidisher chaider but didnt learn to write yiddish hence the (mis)spelling!
Of course a real brisker would think that litvisher yiddish is easier. Its whateva you’re most used to.
BP totty: From the way i wrote my post nothing is obvious. I just wrote it using abc letters instead of aleph beis. Just cos i mentioned that i went once to ponevezh to hear shiur pesicha in an elul zman? Everyone went fin aller kreizen! And whys BP never caustic? Remember the BP oil spills recently?
Lets be controversial now. I used to go every shabbos with a litvisher but nusach sefard friend to all tishen, toldos aharon, karlin, gur, belz etc etc. One day he turned chassidish. Suddenely yener rebbe toigt nisht, yener toigt oich nisht! So i told him he was obviously more chassidish when he was litvish than when he was chassidish…
Ich farshtay nisht! Ver ken nisht a bissel pusheter mama lushon? Shaym zich nisht? Afilleh in mitzrayim hoben mir aller geret nor der yidisher shprach. Zayt zich ois as der hayntiger gulus is doch erger ve demulst!
Its really handy to have a 2nd language. In ponevez, rav shach zatzal would say the best parts in yiddish when the tv were recording him by the elections.
Forget feldheim, oygevalt.com, gevaltgeshriggen.com or any other such method. Stick to Lippa!
Re opening the car door for her, you know what they say? If a guy opens the car door for his partner you can be sure of one of two things. Either the partner is new or the car is!!! 🙂
For limericks i have a feel
So it really was not a big deal
To make up this one
I had lots of great fun
And I’m proud of your approval seal
I went shopping to get us a wick
and didnt know which ones to pick
cos from floor to the door
he had varieties galore
so i took multicolored for a shtick
Then I looked to buy some olive oil
And made sure also to get foil
Cos otherwise my wife
Would make difficult my life
If my Shabbos room floor did spoil
It is now Zois Chanuka
I’ve had no mess from my menora
But my young daughter Fraidel
Still loves cheating by dreidel
And always wants the biggest latka
Now cos I am such a smartie
And am also exceedingly arty
I dont want to boast
But I’m making the most
Unparalleled Chanuka party!!! 🙂
When our daughter was about to be 2, we taught her to say ‘I am two years old now’ so we could get nachas from her. On her big day she got it almost right. She stood up and proudly announced loudly to everyone:
‘I am too old now’!!!
A message to poster blinquie
I thank you for welcoming me
But havent you read
My limerics earlier in this thread
I had posted not just one but three!
A pharmacist from Bangalore
Unfortunately he is no more
He got thirsty and so
He drank some H20
Which was really H2SO4
During a particularly violent thunder storm one night, a child called his mom into his bedroom. “Can you sleep in my bedroom with me” he asked? “I’m so sorry” said his mom, “but daddy wants me to sleep in his bedroom”. The boy looked at her and said “You tell daddy that he’s a big sissy”!!
Our little angel told us he knew exactly what he wants for chanuka. He wants a jumpaleen. Whats that we asked? He looked puzzled and said its what our neighbours have in their garden and people jump up and down on it!
BS”D
A restaurant had a sign “Kusher lechol Hadeos”:
The entree was puchois mikeshiur
The soup, einoi ben Yomo
The main course, nifsal meachilas kelev
The desert noisen taam lifgam
and the bill, a hefsed meribo.
The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying “Mrs. Cohen, I’m sorry to have to tell you but your check came back.” Mrs. Cohen answered: “So did my arthritis!”
The MOTHER of all jokes
Two Middle East mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a
plate of tabouli and a pint of goat’s milk.
The older of the two pulls a bag out of her purse and starts
flipping through photos. They start reminiscing.
‘This is my oldest son, Mujibar. He would have been 24 years old
now.’
‘Yes, I remember him as a baby,’ says the other mother cheerfully.
‘He’s a martyr now though,’ the mother confides.
‘Oh, so sad dear,’ says the other.
‘And this is my second son, Khalid. He would have been 21.’
‘Oh, I remember him,’ says the other happily, ‘he had such curly
hair when he was born.’
‘He’s a martyr too,’ says the mother quietly.
‘Oh, gracious me . . . , ‘ says the other.
‘And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He would
have been 18,’ she whispers.
‘Yes,’ says the friend enthusiastically, ‘I remember when he
first started school.’
‘He’s a martyr also,’ says the mother, with tears in her eyes.
After a pause and a deep sigh, the second mother looks
wistfully at the photographs and, searching for the right words,
says . . .
A friend was babysitting and she saw a really cute picture on the table of one of the kids. She said to one of them your parents must be really adore this picture. No said the child they hate it. Why do you say that she asked. Cos i heard them say they want to blow it up!
A young chazzan was bragging yet again about his voice. “Do you know that i insured my voice for $200,000?” he said to a friend. The friend had had enough. “And have you finished spending your insurance money?” he asked…
Its a favourite project of mine
A new value of ‘pi’ to assign
I would fix it at 3
For its simpler you see
Than at 3.14159
An exceedingly large friend of mine
When asked at what hour he’d dine
He replied at 11
And at 3, 5 and 7
Then at 8 and again after 9
A school boy who lived in Japan
His limericks never would scan
When they asked him “but why?”
He would say with a sigh
“Its because I always try to get as many words into the last line as I possibly can.”
(#202) Jewish Doctors
The following quotes were taken from actual medical records from Israeli hospitals…
Baron Fritz… Dont you follow the news? Its about that woman captured by the Taliban who was killed by the American troops who were trying to rescue her
What is worse than being captured by the Taliban? Being rescued by the Americans…
Jewish Dictionary extracts
AFIKOMMENTS n. Adult arguing that occurs as children search for hidden Passover matzo.
BIALY ACHE n. The result of lunch at your mother’s and dinner at your mother-in-law’s.
BLINTZKRIEG n. A late-night assault on the refrigerator in search of leftovers even though “I won’t be able to eat for a week!” Particularly common four to six hours after special-occasion gluttony.
BUBBEGUM n. Sweets one’s mother gives to her grandchildren that she never gave to her own children.
CHUTZPAPA n. A father who wakes his wife at 4 a.m. so she can change the baby’s nappy.
DEJA NU n. Having the feeling you’ve seen the same exasperated look on your mother’s face but not knowing exactly when.
DISKVELLIFIED vb. To drop out of law school, medical school, or business
school, as seen through the eyes of parents, grandparents, and Uncle Sid. (In extreme cases, simply choosing to study art history when Irvine’s son, David, is studying biology, is sufficient grounds for diskvellification.)
DISORIYENTA n. When Aunt Sadie gets lost in a department store and strikes up a conversation with everyone she passes.
HEBORT vb. To forget all the Hebrew one ever learned immediately after one’s Bar Mitzvah.
HEBRUTE n. Israeli after shave.
IMPASTA n. Someone who eats leavened foods during Passover while maintaining he/she is observant.
JEWBILATION n. Pride in finding out that one’s favourite celebrity is Jewish.
JEWDO n. A traditional form of self-defence based on talking one’s way out of a tight spot.
KINDERSCHLEP vb. To be called on to car pool more children than one has fingers, in a car that was made in Japan.
MAMATZAH BALLS n. Matzo balls that are as good as mother used to make.
MATZILATION n. Smashing a piece of matzo to bits while trying to butter it.
MEINSTEIN slang. “My son, the genius.”
MINYASTICS n. Going to incredible lengths to find a tenth person to complete a minyan.
MISHPOCHAMARKS n. The assorted lipstick and makeup stains found on one’s face and collar after kissing all one’s aunts and cousins at a reception.
RE-SHTETLEMENT n. Moving from Leyton to Edgware and finding all your old neighbours live in the same road as you.
SANTASHMANTA n. The explanation Jewish children get for when they celebrate Hanukkah while the rest of humanity celebrates Xmas.
SHOFARSOGUT n. The relief you feel when after many attempts the shofar is finally blown at the end of Yom Kippur.
TORAHFIED n. Inability to remember one’s lines when called to read from the Torah at one’s Bar or Bat Mitzvah.
TRAYFFIC ACCIDENT n. An appetiser one finds out has non-kosher in it after one has eaten it.
YENTILITY n. A deceptively sweet manner used to extract information. Key phrases include “Trust me”, “Your secret is safe with me,” and “If you can’t tell me, who can you tell?”
YIDENTIFY vb. To be able to determine ethnic origins of celebrities even though their names might be St. John, Curtis, Davis, or Taylor
October 15, 2002
British High court hang-ups
By Miles Kington
A most extraordinary trial is going on in the High Court at the moment in which a man named Chrysler is accused of stealing more than 40,000 coat hangers from hotels round the world. He admits his guilt, but in his defence he claims that – well, perhaps it would be simpler just to bring you a brief extract from the trial. We join the case at the point where Chrysler has just taken the stand.
Counsel: What is your name?
Chrysler: Chrysler. Arnold Chrysler.
Counsel: Is that your own name?
Chrysler: Whose name do you think it is?
Counsel: I am just asking if it is your name.
Chrysler: And I have just told you it is. Why do you doubt it?
Counsel: It is not unknown for people to give a false name in court.
Chrysler: Which court?
Counsel: This court.
Chrysler: What is the name of this court?
Counsel: This is No 5 Court.
Chrysler: No, that is the number of this court. What is the name of this court?
Counsel: It is quite immaterial what the name of this court is!
Chrysler: Then perhaps it is immaterial if Chrysler is really my name.
Counsel: No, not really, you see because…
Judge: Mr Lovelace?
Counsel: Yes, m’lud?
Judge: I think Mr Chrysler is running rings round you already. I would try a new line of attack if I were you.
Counsel: Thank you, m’lud.
Chrysler: And thank you from ME, m’lud. It’s nice to be appreciated.
Judge: Shut up, witness.
Chrysler: Willingly, m’lud. It is a pleasure to be told to shut up by you. For you, I would…
Judge: Shut up, witness. Carry on, Mr Lovelace.
Chrysler: I am.
Counsel: Can you explain how this came about?
Chrysler: Yes. I had 40,000 coats which I needed to hang up.
Counsel: Is that true?
Chrysler: No.
Counsel: Then why did you say it?
Chrysler: To attempt to throw you off balance.
Counsel: Off balance?
Chrysler: Certainly. As you know, all barristers seek to undermine the confidence of any hostile witness, or defendant. Therefore it must be equally open to the witness, or defendant, to try to shake the confidence of a hostile barrister.
Counsel: On the contrary, you are not here to indulge in cut and thrust with me. You are only here to answer my questions.
Chrysler: Was that a question?
Counsel: No.
Chrysler: Then I can’t answer it.
Judge: Come on, Mr Lovelace! I think you are still being given the run-around here. You can do better than that. At least, for the sake of the English bar, I hope you can.
Counsel: Yes, m’lud. Now, Mr Chrysler, perhaps you will describe what reason you had to steal 40,000 coat hangers?
Chrysler: Is that a question?
Counsel: Yes.
Judge: In fairness to Mr Lovelace, Mr Chrysler, I should remind you that barristers have an innate reluctance to frame a question as a question. Where you and I would say, “Where were you on Tuesday?”, they are more likely to say, “Perhaps you could now inform the court of your precise whereabouts on the day after that Monday?”. It isn’t, strictly, a question, and it is not graceful English but you must pretend that it is a question and then answer it, otherwise we will be here for ever. Do you understand?
Chrysler: Yes, m’lud.
Judge: Carry on, Mr Lovelace.
Counsel: Mr Chrysler, why did you steal 40,000 hotel coat hangers, knowing as you must have that hotel coat hangers are designed to be useless outside hotel wardrobes?
Chrysler: Because I build and sell wardrobes which are specially designed to take nothing but hotel coat hangers.
Sensation in court. More of this tomorrow, I hope
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‘Why did you steal 40,000 hotel coat hangers, knowing that hotel coat hangers are designed to be useless outside hotel wardrobes?’
More from Miles Kington [http://www.independent.co.uk/opinion/columnists/miles-kington]
An old man on his deathbed says to his wife “I’ve left everything to you”. She replies “you’ve been doing that for years”
A blonde and a brunette worked in the same office. The brunette wanted the day off, so she told the blonde that when the boss comes in she would get him to send her home. Sure enough when the boss came in, the brunette hung upside down from the ceiling and began making strange noises. What are you doing up there asked the boss. Why I’m a lightbulb she said. The boss said I think you’re overworking. Go home and rest. So she climbed down and went home. Suddenely, the blonde began walking out. Where are you going asked the boss? Well, she said, you cant expect me to work in the dark!
At a packed conference, a womens lib speaker was thundering about her cause. And do you know where would man be today were it not for women she shouted? From the back of the hall, old Abe Cohen called back he’d still be eating fruit in the garden of eden…
Research studies have shown that 5 out of 6 people enjoy russian roulette