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Man: G-d?
G-d: Yes, my son.
Man: May I ask you something?
G-d: Of course.
Man: What for you is a million years?
G-d: A second.
Man: And a million dollars?
G-d: A penny.
Man: So can you give me a penny?
G-d: Sure. In a second.
Dear Goq,
We are but mere males. We must acknowledge our limits. Do not aspire to such lofty, unobtainable, unprocurable prowess such as multitasking.
We are good only for more simple things. (EG women?).
Have a gr8 day.
I must go now cause my 2 fones are calling, I’m in a meeting in my house with a friend while helping three kids with schoolwork, washing some dishes, tying my daughter’s shoelace, finishing preparing for daf hayomi and my son’s mishnayis test, buying something on ebay and eating my lunch. I must do all this cause my wife is on her fone and while she’s on her fone… say no more.
PS Ever seen a woman try to drive and talk on a fone at the same time???
Why did they bury the Indian at the top of the hill? Because he was dead.
that’s a good one, got me chuckling
My apologies. In that case I posted it on the wrong thread. Though in truth what you found funny was probably the stupidity of it.
I’m a little nervous to post any bad jokes because most of them are copyright by Laffy Taffy, but here are some more…
How do you make an egg roll? Push it.
Why didnt the skeleton cross the road? He didnt have the guts.
Why did they bury the Indian at the top of the hill? Because he was dead.
The invisible man married an invisible woman. Their kids were nothing to look at, either.
I went to buy some camouflage pants but couldnt find any.
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
A sandwich walked into a bar. Sorry said the bartender we’re not allowed to serve food here.
A man with a gun ran into a bank. ‘Give me your money otherwise you’re geography’ he shouted. ‘Dont you mean history’ said the bank clerk? ‘Stop changing the subject’ he snarled.
They opened a new restaurant on the moon. The food was great, the views were panaromic, but there was no atmosphere.
One cannibal said to another ‘your wife makes a great stew’. ‘I know, I’m gonna miss her’ he replied.
A man went to his lawyer and said “I need to make a will but dont know how to make one”.
“Dont worry” said the lawyer “just leave it all to me”.
“What!” said the man. “I knew that you’d want the largest slice but I didnt know that I’d have to leave everything to you!”
How many times in last week’s sedra (shelach lecha) does it mention the word Meraglim?
Although all mods are totally committed and dedicated, there must be at least one mod who is either international, insomniac or nocturnal
A team of scientists sat all night in an emergency meeting trying to work out where the sun had disappeared to. Eventually it dawned on them.
From this thread I’ve had a long lull
‘Twas getting a little bit dull
But now I revert
Cos the thread’s more overt
So I’m back again racking my skull
I am real embarrassed to boast
For a month not a limerick did I post
It was not a bluff
I’d just had enough
In the thread where I was once engrossed
123bubby I tried taking several tests and they each came out different!!! could someone post a link, and whoever wants could take it from the same website???
Posted 1 day ago #
I agree. So can everyone please take this short IQ test and post their results at the end. Thanx.
Staff IQ Test
Below are four (4) questions and a bonus question. You have to answer them instantly. You can’t take your time, answer all of them immediately. OK?
Let’s find out just how clever you really are.
Ready? GO!!! (Scroll down)
***NO CHEATING!***
First Question:
You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?
==============================
Answer: If you answered that you are first, and then you are absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second! Try not to screw up in the next question.
==============================
To answer the second question, don’t take as much time as you took for the first question.
Second Question:
If you overtake the last person, then you are…?
==============================
Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, and then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST Person?
You’re not very good at this! Are you?
==============================
Third Question:
Very tricky math! Note: This must be done in your head only.
Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.
Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000. Now add 30. Add another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000 Now add 10. What is the total?
Scroll down for answer.
==============================
Did you get 5000?
The correct answer is actually 4100.
Don’t believe it? Check with your calculator! Today is definitely not your day. Maybe you will get the last question right?
==============================
Fourth Question:
Mary’s father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono.
What is the name of the fifth daughter?
==============================
Answer: Nunu?
NO! Of course not.
Her name is Mary. Read the question again
==============================
Okay, now the bonus round:
There is a mute person who wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing one’s teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.
Now if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how should he express himself?
==============================
He just has to open his mouth and ask, so simple.
Minyan Gal your weather thread is a cute idea. At least I and you think so. But I did a search (as supposed to before beginning a new thread) and saw its been tried before. Look how many posts it got. Maybe start using it and see whether the weather thread picks up like a ray of sunshine and a breath of fresh air or blows itself out again into a wet nothing
Oh wow man hey come slap me five
And everyone join in my jive
Please join the gyration
Its the celebration
For limerick 575!!
We must all go now on a diet
From cheesecake we cannot keep quiet
Was it an obsession
That caused a transgression
Not each type did we have to try it
Seems you’re all too ‘fed up’ with cheesecake
Not even retaining a keepsake
“I’m on a diet” you pretend
For your waist not to extend
You forget there’s temptations like Yeastcake
Frum Jews and cakes cannot part
They’re too good at culinary art
From baking to frying
There is no denying
Everything is state of the art
So I tell you careful eating to forget
Dieting’s like a game of roulette
You try to decline
All those pastries divine
But cant leave that awesome baguette
!??? ???. Have lots and lots of ??? from her and all your family. We look forward to hearing about MINISJS from time to time as she progresses. May the ???? ???? ?? give you strength to recover soon. SG
Imagine the conversation if meshulochim became shadchanim…:
“Hi I have a suggestion for your daughter”.
“How much will that cost me?”.
“Well, last year you offered me $xyz so I’d expect at least 20% more this year. You know the money is all going to a good cause!”
“No, I cant offer more than $xy this year. Times are hard.”
“But Mr Ploni just gave me $WXYZ this year!”…
======
On the other hand, it could actually be a smart idea as there are many similarities; both meshulachim and shadchanim try to ‘sell’ to you something they claim is unique and deserving of your attention, but is in fact usually quite identical to many others like it (moisad or boy/girl) on the market, but they try to convince you that theirs is special and different. So they do overlink, agree?
I love this one. Must admit I had to read it twice!
A friend went to answer a ring on his doorbell at home and was very suprised to find his mother in law standing there. ‘May I stay here for a few days?’ she asked. ‘Of course you can’ he replied and closed the door in her face…
Icot how come you didnt post a picture on the “happy 5th birthday to yeshiva world news” thread last week? Doesnt this site also deserve something special on its birthday? Show us what you can do.
Its all the mods fault. You can see their punctuation skills in the Kleireng yer Prophyel thread
oomis and husband: mazal tov to you BOTH!
pba: mazal tov & a very happy birthday!
icot: that’s an amazing-looking cake, but there are only 6 candles on it! Do you know something about poppa that we dont (ie is he one of the recently exposed ‘young posters’), or were you concerned that if you put the correct number of candles on it would be a fire hazard… ?
You’re right that ROTF stands for just Rolling On The Floor, with no laughing implied. But ROFL stands for Rolling On Floor Laughing, and ACGU is And Cant Get Up. Then there’s IMWTRSHTWO or I Mean Was That Really So Hard To Work Out and IJMTUOTS or I Just Made That Up On The Spot.
Mexican Words continued:
9. *Fascinate*
My new coat has ten buttons but I can only fascinate.
10. *Centimeter*
My Grandmother came to visit today so I was centimeter from the airport.
Yes, many years after his wedding, mbachur finally changes his name!
5367/451
Wow! That must surely be the highest number of approved posts! You certainly werent called QUEEN Kapusta for nothing! The Queen of the CR!
Mods Without mentioning names, what are the statistics of the poster with the highest number of approved/deleted posts?
My car is Shomer Shabbos
Tiferes auto Lyom Hamenucha…
Doesnt AKA stand for Automobile Kiruv Association?
There seems to be a tremendous amount of interest in posters knowing the number of their approved and deleted posts. Can this info please be added to our profiles? Thank you.
How many do I have?
635/35
ran out. please replenish.
You must be a teenager!!!!
It matters not whether you win or lose. What matters is if I win or lose.
I have had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasnt it.
If your fone doesnt ring, it’s me.
I can resist everything except temptation.
You can tell German wine from vinegar by the label.
Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist should have his head examined.
A good lawyer will do anything in his power to win. Sometimes he may even tell the truth.
After a horrific plane crash, the bodies were so badly burned that passengers could only be identified by their dental records. What I dont understand is if they dont know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?
Our bombs are smarter than the average high school or university student. They know how to find Afghanistan.
Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.
When they asked George Washington for ID, he took out a quarter.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Just cos you’re not paranoid it doesnt mean they’re not all out to get you.
I dont care who you are Fatso, just get those reindeer off my roof!
You can observe a lot by just watching.
If you’re fone doesnt ring, its me.
How come there’s only one monopolies commission?
Always proof read carefully to see if you’ve any words out.
Crime doesnt pay, so does that mean my job is a crime?
A signature always reveals a man’s character and sometimes also his name.
Dont judge a book by its movie.
All generalizations are bad.
Dont use a big word when a diminutive one will suffice.
Dont worry about the world ending today, its already tomorrow in Australia.
Two thirds of Americans cant do fractions and the other half dont care.
When I read about the dangers of drinking, I gave up reading
I’ve often wanted to drown my troubles, but my mother in law doesnt like swimming
The best way to get your husband to do something is to suggest that he’s too old to do it
Yes Baron, your subtitle should be changed from ‘member’ to ‘remember me?’. Come on! You used to post regularly. You cant expect a valued subtitle if you only post once every 4 months. I used to enjoy your contributions greatly. Post more and you’ll be ‘rewarded’ with a subtitle. ( Otherwise if you continue with your lack of posting, your screen name should be changed… from Baron Fritz to Barren Fritz ☺ )
am yisrael chai nice try but the remaining letters of startling must be in the correct order. You almost got it.
It goes like this:
STARTLING
STARTING
STARING
STRING
STING
SING
SIN
IN
I
Someone’s grandfather said he remembers when his parents could send him down to the local store with a dime and he would come home with 3 breads, butter, eggs, meat, chicken, cookies, chocolates, drinks, oil, rice, milk and a newspaper. But you cant do that nowadays; there’s too many security cameras around.
Ps Excuse the ignorance but whats IIRC?
Jewish culture is not to look at an opposite gender… My friend just waved at him… You are opening too many threads about the opposite gender…
I found these to be most unexpected replies to the OP. Hmmm… I seem to have missed something so I had better read it again. No, I didnt miss anything. So let me ask, where in the OP do you see that yoyo is talking about the opposite gender? She didnt. She wrote
I tend to feel that people are staring at me… I have people who stare…
.
This is the point. If we’re talking about the same gender then BSD is correct; do you do unusual things cos why else would they be looking at you. But if you were indeed talking about the opposite gender then you must find out what it is that attracts them to you more than to other people. Is it possibly eye catching clothing, or your make up, or your behaviour or anything else that could be modified? You need to think deeply about that. If its none of the above and you’re just naturally pretty and you wear modest clothes and have modest behaviour then take it as an unwelcome compliment. You’ll have to live with that until you find yourself a choson.
Great idea DY.
Often I see a good thread and either dont have the time right then to post or think of a response later, and if that thread is no longer on the home page and I’m not sure what it was called then I have no way of finding it again.
But if there could be a facility like on the news home page to view the previous archives then this flaw would be eliminated.
Mods efshar takke???
cucumber: teenage txt language IS CR language. IOW IMHO its all the teenagers posting here… lol rotf (jk ?). Tho WADR they shld b in skul IYAM
OK Everyone’s too busy to guess my phrazes or maybe they’re too hard. Here are the answers…
***DRUMROLL***
Lets have some fun. What do posters think the following sentences mean? (excuse the spelling):
?? ?? ?????? ????? 1. ?
He has butter fingers
???? ????? ???? ????? 2. ?
Where is your Headquarters
??? ?? ?? ????? ???? 3. ?
Do you have a milkshake
??? ???? ??????? ???? 4. ?
I am making a boycott
?? ?? ?? ???? ????? 5. ?
This has a Hallmark
?? ??? ???? ????? 6. ?
What are the headlines today
??? ???? ???? ???? ????? 7.
I have to inform you
?? ???? ????? ???? ???? ????? 8. ?
This is the minimum that I can take
Hey! That’s my password also!!!
Well done DZ that’s a great way to keep going until day 44 (or day 43 really unless you’ve counted Grover Cleveland twice). Hey maybe you should have chosen to list the ?”? ????? ?????? ???? ???. You would have gotten till a few days further… ☺ ☺ ☺
Thanx wmb fyi
Infants cant type
Lol.
By the way, when I post with my phone I open a new window and open a hebrew typing website, type copy and then paste into original window. Its really ez and quick. An example is http://people.w3.org/rishida/scripts/pickers/hebrew/lite
Btw forget hebrew, enough posters seem to need help posting in ENGLISH on this site!
HaLeiVi: Holding the Alt key while typing 1 also produces a smiley.
By the way, if typing those keys gives you a smiley, then we should have seen a smiley and not “& # 9 7 8 6 ;”