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May all of klal yisroel be zocheh to have simchas filled with simcha
yoyo- stay away – i know it’s hard, you have to keep re-inspiring – rewiring yourself. Reread all the advice, relisten to the shiurim that you liked. Each step will make you grow stronger.
Jolly- It is very admirable that you want to work on this-everybody needs to work on their kavanah, and it is always something that everybody could do better. There are many known paths to improving kavanah, so let us know a little more about what works and doesn’t work for you –
All the suggestions here are excellent –
If you are distracted because you have to run to work or stuff, then get up earlier so that you can daven with nothing on your mind. Take a minute before you daven to realize that this is the most important thing you have to do, as it is the time to connect with the One who will control everything that happens to you that day. Daven for everybody so that your tefillos will be personalized, and if you daven for someone else, your tefillos get answered. Daven before you have a tzara, so that you can avoid the tzara. Visualize… Picture the malachim coming to take your tefillah, and be realistic about how careful you would be to send a present to a king…picture them scorning your hurried contribution. Picture being in the position that the bnei yisroel were in, at krias yam suf, and try to sing the praise as though it happened to you-when you were totally surrounded by terror, and you got saved in a most miraculous way
let Modim be a list of reasons that you have to thank Hashem, When you say Gomel Hasadim, think of all the chesed Hashem does with you, beg Hashem for refuous and yeshuous for all the sick people, all the people who have no parnassah, and have to leave their homes to go collecting, all the singles who have not found their zivug, all the couples who need children, people who suffer with sick spouses and children-there is so much heartbreak, these people bawl to Hashem, help them.
Read Praying with Fire I and II and other books about having more kavanah, Listen to Chazak Shiurim 718 258 2008, many many hints and tips for better kavanah. Hatzlocha Rabba.
I am very impressed with your insights, obs, it seems to me that you are growing and always trying to find the right things to do. It is normal to be afraid of the future at your point in life, it is really the first major decision you are going to make, and it is so scary. Really there is not much more that you can do besides always trying to grow and do the right thing, so throw yourself in Hashem’s hands, daven a lot, be b’simcha, and iy’H, you will be zocheh to b’suros tovos, b’mheira.
why should it bother you that men have different roles than women? They are both human beings, but they each have their specific role. What exactly bothers you? Wouldn’t a woman putting on tzitzit be almost absurd if that was not her intended role?
tzi lange yuhren
health – seeallsides -“i am the working person supporting quite a large family, and i see that they appreciate every penny given them”
would love to! unfortunately long list with that request 🙂
i am generally late, and really push myself to be at work on time although it is such a struggle. There is no way that the bosses don’t mind, no matter how nice they are about it. Even if i make up the time, they like to know that they can depend on me being there on time. One of my resolutions!!!!!
don’t lose heart – you took an amazing step-stick with it – try not to go and if you have to go, try to be proud of how you act there – think about how it is all being video’d and written down – hatzlocha!!! you are moving mountains!
seeallsides – You’re not seeing all sides! You just see your side of a yungerman or his wife living off others!
<<< I am not a yungerman or his wife living off others – i am the working person supporting quite a large family, and i see that they appreciate every penny given them, and are learning amazing, and i really am very proud- it’s not that there aren’t exceptions, but most of the learning couples that i know are very mistapek b’muat,and i know a lot of them, really appreciate their parent’s sacrifice very much.
I certainly AM crying with emotion over that AND the lack of Midos and Derech Eretz that many of these kids have when dealing with their parents, despite being Torah scholars!!! A person of importance once said to me, Halevei Midos would go hand in hand with learning Torah. But it’s all totally, or mostly, the parents fault for not inculcating Midos, right?
<<<< we can all improve our middos and derech eretz, but i don’t think that the predominant people that are guilty of lack of middos etc are the ones sitting and learning
Seeallsides,
That’s not the point. I have no problem with a person who wants to spend his money supporting kollel.
My problem is when the “kids” demand it as if it’s their right to be supported. It’s not their right. Demanding the money as if it’s owed to you is simply a display of appalling manners.
<<<< thank you for seeing my point, i too, in turn, see yours
As I said, Of course, there are some difficult situations, there always will be. Kids should always be appreciative, I don’t think that it is kollel kids who are unique in this lack.
Could we please not forget that we encouraged and wanted our children to live in Lakewood and be in Kollel. Did we think that would come cheap? What better use for our money could there be? – Enjoy it and be proud of your kids – walk into Bais Sholom or Bais Aaron or any of the Batei Midrashim, and you will cry with emotion and joy over the amazing learning that is going on. I don’t think the kids are spending our money recklessly. Of course, there are some difficult situations, there always will be.
you are really amazing that you got so far! in such a short time- keep it up!!!
I have tried to post the site but it does not go through – as i said just do the searches that i have given you, it will come up
yoyo you can find this tape easily on the web – search for orlofsky platonic relationships, many shiurim are available, just do a search for the name of the speaker and free listening
I am often caught in the same situation. People trying to get my boss (who is never available, except for 2 specific hours) and people think if they beg,bug or charm me, then i will get them through at different hours. I have my standard smile, i am really so sorry but he is never available except at those times, and please, I just don’t want to take extra time from you and let you think that it could be different – nothing works by the way, so i use my coping skills – when i have to type boring long letters, i play a game to see how quickly i can type a page and keep an ongoing record (1.5 min), when i have to listen to boring lectures, i write them down using the fanciest vocabulary i can, when i have to useless talk to boring people who tell you their life story, because you were polite and said how are you or tried to include them in a conversation, i just keep saying to myself- practice patience, practice patience – this is better than patiently waiting for news from the ICU chas v’shalom..it’s a life’s battle, elevate it to your struggle for middos and for realizing that it is all in Hashem’s plan for you.
thank you mother in israel for that tip – i am a sticky rice sufferer!
I don’t know if you should think this is a big sign from heaven, or work so hard to understand what it all means…It is not such a mystery-it’s soooo normal- i am not an expert, and it would be good to seek help, but i think distraction, and overdosing a bit on ‘be good’ actions/books/shiurim/ is what you should focus on. You will automatically think about him-and it is painful-but if you are prepared, then you will have tools to deal with the difficult moments. I know everybody here is rooting for you, we will stay with you through this time. Everybody is talking about how Mashiach is coming any minute, won’t it be great to meet him knowing that you overcame such a big nisayon.
people like diff types of shiurim, i love R’Ephraim Wachsman for serious, R’ Noach Weinberg a”h for very straight advice, R’ Orlofsky, when i want something easier to listen to, you can check out many different types of speakers, i like listening to the inspiring experiences that people had, right now there is a wonderful speaker on chazak – call 718 258 2008, after a few announcements, dial 3, wait, then 2,wait, then 101# (5 makes louder,8 lowers it,2 pauses and starts it again, 4 goes back, 6 fast forwards, aish.com has great articles, aish audio has great mp3’s, http://www.simpletoremember.com has some great speakers, http://www.puretorah.com – tell me what kind you like, i will try to help you find them. I think you are great to try so hard!
think= if your brain is busy with something, it will not think about this situation, don’t walk home alone, walk with friends, don’t lay in bed daydreaming, put on a shiur on chazak, or on a tape recorder/ipod, if music works better then do that/ be strict with yourself-you are on a very hard assignment-it is the yetzer hora trying to keep you in his clutches. I wish i could tell you it will be over tomorrow, it is not that easy-but it can be done.
okay-I want you to tell us two things that you did, from all the advice to keep yourself occupied.
yoyo what you did is incredible-you will see great bracha iy”h – keep being mechazek yourself, it is a very hard struggle, but you can do it because Hashem will help you.
Believe me I know it is a very hard thing for you to do,but you have to change what’s going on in your head. I think the Satmar Rebbe once told his talmid who did a very terrible thing and he kept on doing tshuvah about it, and saying what he did again and again, and the Rebbe said, stop doing tshuvah on this thing-the yetzer hora wants you back in the mud, and even though you are saying how much you regret it, you are just thinking about it again and again. Get off the subject – go join a class, volunteer to help parents take care of their sick children, shop for old ladies, you probably have good taste, lots of mothers can’t figure out what to buy for their kids/what looks good, maybe you can help them shop, you can find something that will make you feel wonderful about yourself.
There will be guys all over the world-but there’s a ton of guys in yeshiva and girls just like you who have NOTHING to do with that scene, they will be pleasant to the cute checkout guys, but their expressions will be devoid of the ‘come hither’ look-and the boys will know in a second that it is useless to flirt with them- this is obviously your nisayon- you are not alone – you can overcome this, and the schar will be very great – just imagine all the malachim watching you and applauding you for every step you take!
yoyo-somehow you do not realize that you are giving off an ‘i am available, i am cute’, demeanor, and it is working – people react to it, and, yes, it feels good, it’s fun to flirt and to have boys look at you and think you are cute and pretty- this is something that is a yetzer horah from time immemorial. Nothing new, nothing strange-You have to deal with it, it is your personality, and if you don’t stop it, it will always be there – you do not want to do anything wrong, and that is where you are headed. Don’t wait till it is out of control. That is why our chachamim made gedarim. When you feel yourself slipping, just say Fire, Fire, and RUN – Get into a different circle, get interested in other things, i said it before, listen to shiurim, they will pierce your heart and give you protection. I’m sorry if I am strong-but you need to realize, stop talking and obsesssing about it- you are not the first and you won’t be the last- all that matters is how you handle it – just do what has worked for others in your situation, get away, get involved, and learn mussar. You will be so proud of yourself for everyday that you pass this test..iy’h you will marry someone who will adore your cute pretty personality and you will raise pure neshamos, and you will always look back proudly instead of with regret. All the best!
Maybe when somebody asks specific advice, we should just respond, and not soapbox?
One thing my learning husband appreciated was a pocket voice recorder allowing him to record shiurim, or something nice that somebody was saying.
Also, give more info as to what lines/price you were thinking –
Pen sets, Frame a favorite picture, yummy socks, shabbos raincoat, key chain, mail opener, coffee to go/warmer for the car, scarf, sweater, shabbos alarm clock, basket of his favorite nosh/baked goods, a poem on why you respect him.
Good luck!
sounds like good recipes, i just wanted to add, start the onions(lots)/garlic/chicken skin side down/spices with a drop of oil, and let it saute to get a heavenly color, scoop out some of the sauce and put aside, add water, turn chicken skin side up, and let it simmer for 2 hrs. Baste often with set aside sauce, put balance of sauce on the top of the chicken. If you want to make a whole supper, you can add rice or potatoes (small cubes) to the pot when you are adding the water, and you will have a yummy supper. Note: You can take the skin off, i am just using it as a frame of reference 🙂
thanks m in Israel -I love that poem/song from Uncle Moishy –
I think the bottom line is that you have to realize that it is ASSUR to be jealous, right up there with not killing…..
It is definitely hard, and there are people who have charmed lives without sick or missing parents,siblings, etc. It is all a nisayon to make us have to work on ourselves. Jealousy is a very common middah and I doubt anyone is immune.
Practical tips really are back to basics, mesillas yeshorim, chovos halevovos, good shiurim that talk to you.
Focusing on spending each day accomplishing what you can will distract you from being absorbed in the COMPARISON race which leads to jealousy.
There will always be somebody who can do it better, is richer,prettier,smarter,more popular,etc. But you were created by the master designer with your specific journey, with everything that you need perfectly provided.
Focus on that and what you can do with it.
Maybe you can tell them to check out shidduchim threads on yeshiva world
why do you think they are giving you so much attention? what is their motive?
AZ- what about when you ask a boy to recommend some good boys – is he considered the mentioner? or if you go to a rosh yeshiva and ask him for a good boy’s name?
it’s good to ask a shaila because in your heart you really don’t want any taynos. It happened to someone i know involuntarily, where someone mentioned a boy casually, and specifically said that they didn’t want to be involved in redting the shidduch. So they got a shadchan and got engaged, and didn’t think that they owed the person who mentioned the name more than a very warm thank you as they paid the shadchan shadchanus. But the mentioner did feel wronged, never said anything, and later on the couple found out that they had taynos and felt that they should have gotten shadchanus, and everybody a little weird all around, as funny to give shadchanus after a few years or to bring up……..
Really, these are not big issues, try to look at each other with an ayin tov, see the good points, (isn’t nice he wants to say hello to you and not just be a cold mailbox transaction, maybe you were due for an increase anyway and he had let it go, so now when he feels he is going to lose money, he feels the threat – believe me after mortgage, taxes, repairs, vacancies, etc, landlords are not raking it in) and let this go – you can handle for 3 months, if you can’t, then explain to him how much you appreciate all he’s done, would he please overlook the raise as it would be a hardship-do you have security, you can let that pay for one and a half months. Approach this as you would want to be dealt with, and pat yourself on the back!
If you absolutely have no choice -?????
then, make yourself as unappealing and unapproachable as possible
Wear horrible clothes.
Contort your face slightly
Paint a front tooth black
Wear BenGay
Eyebrow Pencil in a bit of a mustache
Blow your nose a lot.
Speak in a slow, distracted, whiny voice
Ask them to repeat everything they say a few times
Just say uh,uh,uh, like your in middle of davening and point to a prepared shopping list.
If your picking up the family pizza store order, call it in, and have a piece of paper with your family name on it, and point to it.
Otherwise any of the recommended methods from all the posters here will totally work – if you have your ipod, phone, tehillim, Binah magazine handy.
i was actually going to suggest you contribute to the Pun Thread – because it was a very good play on words as ICOT pointed out –
Regardless any help you can offer about how to encourage ourselves to TOE the line honestly, are always welcome.
obviously they know your family this is a tough situation, you might feel uncomfortable telling your parents, because it may put you in an awkward situation.
Is it possible you are wavering between doing the right thing and a little bit being drawn to the wrong thing? if you want help, look into your soul-my bills rarely are wrong, i rarely interact with the management, besides a pleasant good morning, thank you etc. Stay Away, and Listen to shiurim
I think R’ Moshe Faskowitz has a very good yeshiva like this in Queens
yoyo56-sweetie-you DO NOT HAVE to go there – look at the price –
if you are feeling uncomfortable, then just say NO -there is a reason you feel that way-you don’t need the discomfort and worry – they are not the only show in town, have the stuff delivered, get a sibling/parent to go,
if you are going to be there and feel bad to be mean, you can be blunt, and say that you don’t mean to be rude, but you know, in this town, i really have to watch my reputation, so don’t take it personally but i am going to be a bit cool-or you can disguise yourself a little with a bun,glasses, (sunglasses),hood,scarf over your mouth, or you can keep your tehillim handy, and say tehillim while waiting to be served, the cellphone idea is good, listen to chazak shiurim, or listen to an ipod-
it is a very short step between levels of inappropriate behavior, stop it now.
hard seuda to plan – i make a big pot of stuffed cabbage which fits for the run in run out crowd, plus serves as the seuda entree, i just keep it on v low flame the whole afternoon/evening – then i prepare some trays of sliced roast, sesame chicken ,rice, chinese vegetables, mashed potato scoops which stay in the oven on low, and get served kind of as needed/ I also have a large container of marinated salmon in the fridge for people who want something lighter, and extra bilkelach for latecomers.
Goto shul and weddings with your mom, so that people are aware that you exist, and that you are her daughter. (smile a lot)
Contact your seminary teachers, and ask them for help.
Get involved with chesed/organizations/shiurim – the more people you network with, the more you increase your visibility.
Stay upbeat and positive- a warm happy demeanor is very attractive. Remember that you can capitalize at this time by Davening with a special ‘extra’ feeling, as you feel the challenge of finding that proverbial ‘needle in a haystack’. b’Hatzlocha!!!!
Simcha Mann- He is there to make the wedding amazing – no concert attitude. Besides gorgeous hartzig voice, he’s like part of the family and gives it his all to make it incredibly lebedig
Just another word – I just read Mountain Climbers 2, and it has several stories about people going for that extra mile (the natural part in sheitels, etc) , and the rewards they saw. It was very inspiring
something that helps me in such a situation is the shiur that R’ Noach Weinberg a’h gave about happiness, which do you prefer – eyes or ears, hands or feet,
in a nutshell, if you focus on how much good Hashem has given us, your problems really get minimized.
This works for me when i find myself in any nisayon area……
So, short skirts or someone’s baby getting sick c’v, short skirts or tragedy c’v……..makes it easier to choose.
Another idea –
Did you ever see kids looking at their parent’s albums and saying, ugh look at those hairstyles, look at those clothes…..it’s all in whose looking at it – so I try to picture the celestial judges looking at me in the album, and the short skirts really don’t look so cute anymore-
you wouldn’t think of wearing a miniskirt-so why think you can get away with a short skirt?, a little treif??? ………
I really enjoyed this thought, ZeesKite, we always have to be reminded, and to me such stories help me remember. Thanks! (and i am a long ways from seminary)
a mamin – it is very lonely and there is no replacement for a parent. this feeling will never go away completely.
just try to remember that the reason u miss them is because they were so loving and how lucky you are to have had such loved feelings.
Channel your emotions to try and be what they were-love and guide your children or others.
Channel the longing for your parents to be longing and aching to return to yerushalayim and the shechina.
Maybe this can help you.
many people have had challenging relationships with parents, so you have to remember how lucky you are to have had this.
Thanks Frummy McCrum – made me laugh
Wolfish musings – you are so right
I was the baby girl to a bunch of older brothers. They were all so sure that i would be spoiled, that they made sure to ‘unspoil’ me every step of the way. I feel lucky that i survived without any major surgery required 🙂 but as an adult it is wonderful to have all those boys care about you
Sounds sad-I can understand that when you want to treadmill, you sometimes can only get time to do it when it is inconvenient to your downstairs neighbor- i searched ‘silencing a treadmill’ and this is what i found- ‘one thing that would help would to get the treadmill up onto vibration isolation pads, especially if the mill is on a hardwood floor. You would place a vibration pad on each foot of the machine, or if it does not have feet, you will want to place the pads at the 4 corners of the mill.
Another remedy would be to underlay the mill with a material called SSP floormat. This would roll out under the treadmill, and then your would place the mill atop of this floormat and onto the vibration pads as well. This would be effective at reducing the noise levels transmitted to the floors below’ Alternatively maybe they can put a piece of carpet under the treadmill. There should be a resolution to this problem that doesn’t have to make a machlokes. Good luck in finding it!
On control panel, there is a keyboard icon-ck u’r settings-if that is oky, then let us know-is it slow all the time, or only when on the internet? if only on the internet, are you using internet explorer-if yes, try firefox – if it is slow all the time try bringing up the computer in safe mode, and see if still a problem. If still no good, try to isolate the problem-is it bad in Excel, in Word, in Notepad? Maybe there is a scan being done automatically in the background and you are slow while that is running……… Good Luck