scienceprogram

eclipse, I agree with you. I was also accused of absurd things that are UNTRUE such that I understand that people in power=in this case the officials in the courts… can twist things TO MAKE IT SEEM LIKE INNOCENT PEOPLE are guilty.

Basically, these people in power as well as the media have so much control that they can make anyone look as if they did horrible things that are many times untrue!!

only people who themselves were accused can understand how the “people in power” use that same power to make up lies about innocent victims because… and therefore, I and you know to be more wary of these type of stories accusing …

so everyone don’t believe it, especially guilty pleas which are forced upon others to get a shorter sentence or….

YES! YES! YES! Gefen, this also happened to me recently with my CHASE account and I was going to ask the same thing but you took care of it.

I think someone hacked into their system or put a reader on the ATMs to read the cards and a video to watch for the pins.

They did give me a credit of the money and are still investigating, but I was also thinking that it is just CHASE! Yes, this could happen to any bank but I never had a problem with other banks so…

Exactly, if you are saying everyone is making a big deal of nothing, it could be because you do not have a controlling mother-in-law or are one yourself! However, “ybrooklynteacher” understands exactly what this is about, dealing with a controlling mother in law.

My MIL did offer to buy a house for me to live in, but it was right next door to her house! She did NOT offer to buy me a house where I would like to live! This is all about MILs realizing that after all, we are the parents (they had their chance)! In addition, it is sad that yom tov or any other get-together has to be a “trying” time. We all want to have peace of mind and would love to have a great time at our in-laws without having to constantly be rebuked etc.

At the end of the day, it just makes more sense to stay home in order to avoid all the negativity and “machlokes”!

How many cases do you know of personally where ACS put each member in a caring and frum home? As far as my experiences, ACS puts children into homes and people put on “shows” when the ACS worker comes to “check on that foster child”.

ACS workers are regular people who work because they have to! Many times the children are put into homes where they are abused too!

How would you like it if someone says that the way you discipline your children is abusive? How would you feel if someone threatened to take your children away?

You might say you are not abusing your children but guess what? ACS will act on any call, and they do not make a difference between regular discipline and actual abuse because they do not have enough manpower to really investigate… and because they do not have enough workers that really care!

Obviously if you decide to ask a rav or not is your decision, we are required to let a rav decide if we should call only because he could use siyata dishmaya to determine if calling could have WORSE EFFECTS THAN NOT CALLING! as it says “asay lecha rav”!

someone mentioned about the snoods ..etc. not covering all the hair, well, that depends on your rav. I know people who tell me they will not let one hair show while when I asked a sheila the rav did not tell me it is assur so…

Meanwhile what I am shocked at is the chasana scene. It is expected for certain members to wear gowns. Yet, the majority of gowns worn are very fitted=untzniut, and sometimes in loud colors too!

Someone said about people buying too small a size. Yes, I agree, and the same goes with gowns for weddings. There are only a select few weddings where I could remember that one sibiling did not wear a gown but a more loose fitting “fancy” outfit because she was more machmir on tznius!

Bustercrown, forget about him for a moment-How will you deal with this? You might eventually get fed up because you are keeping a deep dark secret which is that you KNOW what he is doing.

The fact that in a marriage both he and you are keeping secrets from each other already affects a marriage for the negative, why? one of the foundations of a marriage is trust=he already broke it because of his addiction.

But, you will become angrier with him each time he lies about what he is doing.

The rav probably did not understand the entire situation maybe you did not tell him how it made you disrespect him in your heart….

But,a big part of marriage is helping each other through the challenges of life-this is a challenge and he fell -he needs to know that you WILL HELP HIM THROUGH THIS and let him know that he broke your trust which is a foundation of marriage

tell him you are shocked that he lied but understand why but now he must work on being honest with you and if he falls, he must feel comfortable telling you and that you will support him-people fall and get up, fall and get up….

Otherwise, if he continues this without knowing you know,you might just get so “eaten up” by his lying, behavior, and disrespect him, get angrier… and want out eventually. What about YOU, YOUR EMOTIONS, IS IT GOOD TO BOTTLE THEM UP? HOW WILL IT AFFECT YOUR MARRIAGE?

It is hard for me to put all that I want to say into words, so I hope you understand this.

Damoshe, imagine if I told you that in 5 years from now, all your loans would be paid off and that this year, you would have enough money to be able to pay a lower tuition that the school would allow?

Would you then still feel so stressed? Probably not as much, (although there are also other pressures like too much to do in too little time).

Obviously, I can’t tell you the above, only Hashem could, but isn’t that what BITACHON IS? to TRUST IN HIM! to feel SECURE that all will be okay and work out!

I am not preaching. I am trying to explain to you what I believe

is part of the challenge in life. It is HARD to have Bitachon. It is a daily test to not think about and not worry about tom. but do our hishtadlus and let Hashem take care of it.

You are not the only one with this problem. There are lots of Jewish head of households worrying about how they will be able to pay their tuition, their rent, for food…

You have a lot on your shoulders ALONG WITH THE STRESS OF MONEY, and it too much to bear. But, you could do it along with others who are struggling just like you.

While we live paycheck to paycheck, and I do not have loans to pay off, I also do not own a home… In addition, for personal reasons, 95% of household responsibilities, cleaning, schoolwork, cooking.. as well as working full time, falls on my shoulders.

I also have a boss that just adds to the pressure which makes me nervous that I will lose my job. I also get no support from parents or sibilings just more pressure and “things that I must do for them”.

I also have to get up at around 5 am and do not get to sleep until very late. I hardly have time to take care of myself and just recently had to try to squeeze in time to go to the doctor because of an emergency medical condition that developed inside me. It got worse because I could not get off work right away (otherwise I am in danger of losing my job) and had to push off going to the doctor.

The only way I can get through life and try not to be stressed is to work on my Bitachon. I try to not think about my future like How will I be able to pay my bills? How will I be able to continue like this? What if I get sick and have to take off from work, I could lose my job as they are very strict!? etc.

It is not easy to do, but I believe this is the only way. I do not believe that any therapist can take away your stress unless they go through exercises that try to train you to not worry but to rely and trust that Hashem will take care of the rest (after you do hishtadlus).

Again, I am not lecturing you or giving you mussar; I am just sharing with you what I believe is the only way to deal with the stresses of life. I believe that everyone has challenges that stress them, although most people do not divulge what is really going on in their lives.

Please let me know what you think.

rubberbands, do you realize that you are acting exactly like what you are accusing your uncle of? How?

WELL, many family feuds are because each family/person is brought up differently and have different personalities, needs… so that causes each person to have a different idea of what is expected.

For example, if one aunt works and the other does not, the one who works might not want to shlep out to evening events while the stay at home aunt might be chalishing to get out and might be insulted if the working aunt constantly says she can’t go out with her.

Basically, rubberbands, you are judging him saying why cant he just “get over the issue” and have “what to do with your family”.

Realize that whatever the issue is, your uncle feels strongly about it and it is important to HIM. You cant want to have a good relationship with him, and then still judge him harshly because you must make what is important to him, important to you. This is what relationships are all about.

Obviously, for a reason you do not know (so you cant understand), your uncle decided it is better to not have any contact. It is a smart thing to do because if for whatever reason, there is a feud, then there will just be more negativity and aveiros… when there is still contact.

I agree with cherrybim, but I must add that if they were hurt, you are being insensitive to their pain by just expecting them to “get over it”.

I am talking from experience because I know of a family who spent hours on the phone with their inlaws trying to make peace, but one feuding relative kept saying (by not admitting to herself) “I did not do anything wrong” “everything is fine; i am not upset” So, the second feuding relative said “If you are not upset fine, but I am upset, so I want to discuss the issues to try to have a positive relationship”. However, the feuding relative kept saying that the second relative had no right to be upset and said that the issue was “all in your head”… These type of comments just prove the insensitivity of the first relative. This is one of the things that pained the second relative. The first relative did not

acknowledge the things that were important to the second relative.

Obviously, the feud is deeper than the above as it would take pages to explain the details.

My point is that rubberbands, YOU MUST STOP JUDGING your family member for avoiding contact because then, you are being insensitive. How? you are not trying to see the situation from his perspective and therefore you are being insensitive to his pain which is the OPPOSITE OF FAMILY.

A family member should be supportive of whatever it is the other members sensitivities priorities…. are

morahrach, curious why you would want to know.

actually, my wife works but would love to stay at home and care for our kids except other half is out of a job (but we are grateful at least she has a job)

my is stay at home mom and she commented how bored she is and that many of her friends also were stay at home moms, got bored so they put their kids in daycare and got jobs-when my wife heard that she was thinking bored? she would love to stay home! (of course, we did not comment on the relative’s feelings)

CHERRYBIM, you have answered my ques, but i do not agree or at least back yourself with chazal

how do you know hashem wants us to have a big house?

maybe He wants us to live in a small apartment which is small -(not as comfortable but still possible) have chicken for shabboss etc… and pay as much tuition as possible?

fed ben fed, i agree with you

many people are leasing expensive cars, buying more expensive food, and supporting their kollel children,….instead of paying more tuition

betsalel, the schools do rely on the higher tuition paid by some families for the rest only paying a little

yes everything is from hashem but who said ppl have the right to spend on all the things they are spending on (ex. buying a house )

instead of paying tuition

recently some schools closed why? 95% of the families of the children in the school have many children and the fathers are/were in kollel or just went to work making small salaries which meant that hardly anyone was paying tuition

ex. I can’t afford to go to the Jewish stores and buy clothing there because they are double or triple the price.. but if I pay less tuition, I could shop there…. yet there are people on food stamps and then are buying in these stores

I want to go to a rav who is understanding about this and ask him what can i spend my money on even if it means paying less tuition

I work on my bitachon/hashkafah but this issue of what are we allowed to pay for instead of paying tuition is hard to really understand b.c we could say

hashem gave us money to pay tuition or hashem gave us money to buy a house.clothing. good food/provide for our children and whatever little is left, we will pay tuition???

AND YES I DO AGREE THE PARENTS SHOULD BE INVOLVED OR AT LEAST PRIVY TO THE SCHOOL’S BUDGET AS some schools also raise money by dinners … and then are so strict as to who they would accept but if they are being helped by tzedakah they should be servicing the ocmmunity= i know of a school backed by millionaire but still look with a “bad eye”if you ask for a scholarship??

Interesting point,I agree with you; “you hit the hammer on the nail”.

The real problem with being so “into” fashion is that so many women get too “into” it in the sense that it takes over their lives, how? They forget to treat other women who might not dress how THEY CONSIDER “GOOD” with proper middos and then they do things like “looking people up and down”.

Many women end up letting the fashion take over their lives that gasmius becomes more of a priority for them than ruchnius in that they are focusing on how other women are dressing… and then forget that everyone has feelings and wants to feel comfortable which is not what happens when women are “looked up and down”.

devrachel, you seem to like to dress well and that is fine, but the concern is when women who like to dress fashionably, “look down” at other women who are not dressing as fashionably.

You said you like to dress to look “good”. Well, what is good to one woman is different to another. Many times I have met woman who only talk about what they will wear and how __ is coming “in style”; I feel that those women are so shallow because they act like that is their only concern while I want to spend more time focusing on life’s challenges and how to grow in our faith towards hashem with our challenges.

Unfortunately, there is not as much pressure in “dressing fashionably” by the goyim that I work with. Yes, you could look good by finding good deals but buying clothes is still expensive. I just do not understand how many families who say they can’t pay tuition are then spending a lot of money on clothes for the “woman of the house” just so that she could wear the “latest style” in other words be dressed “fashionably”.

Of course, you are probably not putting yourself in her situation.

Think of yourself in her situation.

Try walking around with a bowling ball in your stomach; it will slow you down, make you extra tired, and make your chores much harder to accomplish.

Imagine someone taking your skin and stretching it and stretching it; it is painful. Now imagine you feel too nauseous to eat but too weak if you don’t eat, what do you do?

This is just some of what your wife is experiencing. This is the time for you to be extra sensitive. She is carrying your child for you.

You might be feeling down because maybe she is not focusing as much on you but get used to it, soon your lives will revolve around a child. Then, she will need even more help from you.

This is the time to prove to her that you will be understanding of her pain and exhaustion…and that you will help her in whatever way possible. When times get tough, you must try harder to stand by your wife by helping her with whatever she needs.

Think of it as if you were not feeling well, would you want her to be upset that you could not do all the things you usually do? No, you would want her to be sensitive to your feelings. You would want her to sympathize and say “I know you are not feeling well, so tell me how I could help you!” Treat her the same way.

oomis1105, you are not trying to understand from a different point of view.

You are talking from your experience where your mil loved and appreciated your call which made YOU FEEL SPECIAL TOO, but this seems to be a more serious issue because if the mil is comparing to her other dils, she will probably not be happy with “only a weekly call” because it seems she has some expectations.

I am talking from experience because I used to call my mil every week but she was not happy if I did not do _ AND _ AND_…

Yes,ideally the dil should make the mil happy and “just call”. However, this man’s mother MUST also change her outlook for this relationship to work because she is not looking at what the dil DOES but the mil is focusing on what the DIL DOES NOT DO!

In my experience, I call my mil’s mother=my husband’s grandmother every week. She loves for me to call her and is happy with anything I do because she understands that I work hard, have little children, so I can’t shlep all the time. While my mil is not happy with anything I do for her because she expects me to do everything. So too, in this case, the man’s mother must change her outlook otherwise she is setting herself up for disaster. Notice how she is putting her son in between her and his wife, which is essentially not recognizing his marriage.

Then, speak to your wife. Do not tell her what your mother said. You should tell your wife that you love her and want to know her views on a mil dil relationship because you want her to have a good relationship with your mother.

Ask her if she feels comfortable talking to your mother. Depending on what she answers, you would tell your wife,”I think it will make my mother very happy if you could call her around once a week. Is that something you would feel comfortable doing?”

You must resolve to accept anything your wife says. Therefore, if your wife says she can’t do that then you must accept that she has good reasons and still support your wife even if you disagree with her.

Remember that your duty is to support your wife first. I know marriages that were ruined because of the in laws.

This issue might never be resolved. Why? because it could be that even if your wife calls your mother every week, your mother might feel that your wife is not really opening up to her. If your mother is always comparing her dils with your wife, this seems that this will be a life long conflict and realize that this is common, unfortunatly, why?

because it is all about expectations, boundaries, and priorities:

In this situation, your mother thinks it is very IMPORTANT for her dils to call her weekly. Your wife thinks it is NOT IMPORTANT for her to call her mil.

Your mother expects things from your wife that were never communicated to your wife.

Remember you picked your wife and your wife chose you, but your mother and wife did not choose each other!

Therefore, your mother needs to take a step back and realize that she is very lucky she is close with her other dils, but if your wife is different, she must just appreciate the times that your wife DOES come over and apprectiate your wife for making you happy.

Your mother must accept your wife for who she is. So far, it seems your mother wants a close mother-daughter relationship with your wife, but she does not realize that she is acting the opposite of a mother to a daughter, why? because many parents might be insulted but ultimately realizes that they just want their daughters to be happy and do not want to make trouble in their daughter’s marriage.

If your mother wants to have a mother-daughter relationship with your wife, she must show the utmost care and concern for who your wife is and not just put demands on your wife because that is like a boss telling your wife what to do; your wife does not need another boss!

In my view, family is to respect each other and tolerate/accept each others’ differences/choices/decisions/actions etc. even if they disagree. That they must love each other regardless of differences which means to show the highest level of concern and care based on each persons’ needs and desires.

In your case, you could tell your mother that it is expected that she will accept your daughter for what she does do and not “look down” at her (or be insulted) for what she does not do.

I am interested in hearing what you have to say regarding my posts; I thought lond and hard about this issue because I am dealing with a mil who is a very caring person but does not show care and concern to ME because she always thinks of what SHE would want in the situation and did think of my needs!

First of all, please know that it common for mil and dil to have issues.

The reason for this is because the mil and dil are in very different stages of life.

The dil many times already has her friends, sibilings, mom… who she is close with and might not feel comfortable confiding in her mil who she might feel is very different from her.

The mils forget how it was for them when they got married so they are expecting things from their dils that they did not want their mils to expect from them.

The mils forget that to make a marriage work it takes a lot of hard work. They must give the dil privacy and space to enable their dils to focus on their husbands to build a good marriage.

Your wife is working ??(you did not give a lot of details) and also must adjust to the additional responsibilities bestowed on her when she got married. She probably just needs to focus on her relationship with you=her marriage and can’t take the effort to focus on her relationship with your mother also.

Why? because already by your post, I could tell that your mother is NOT showing the utmost care and concern for your wife (and she does not realize it (please dont think I am bashing your mother-I am just trying to explain from another point of view )). I could tell that your mother has expectations from your wife that might be unrealistic.

You mentioned you go to your parents for shabbos. So, your mother should feel good about that. She should focus on what your wife IS doing and not on what your wife is NOT doing.I know a dil who rarely goes to her mil for shabbos but always goes to her mother because she feels uncomfortable at her mils.

Another thing I noticed is that your mother is comparing your wife to her other dils. This is a big error. A good parent does not say “well, yoni is great in school and behaves well, but shoshana misbehaves, so I am insulted that shoshana misbehaves!” No, a good parent realizes that every child is different and ultimately shows care and concern for each child’s needs”

Your mother is a lovely person, and it is beautiful that she wants to have a close relationship with your wife. However, she must accept your wife for who she is and what she wants. She should never compare your wife with the other dils. I am assuming her other dils are married with kids(you did not give details), if they are, then conversation is easier because one could talk about her grandchildren.

Your wife might not feel comfortable at this stage talking to your mother. There are many good reasons for your wife to act this way.

Let me tell you that I am talking from experience. My mil has many dils and has trouble recognizing that my husband=her son, must put my needs first.

I am concerned that you only talk from your mother’s point of view, but I am glad that I could help realize your error. Now that you are married, you MUST SUPPORT YOUR WIFE’S NEEDS/DESIRES/VIEWS… AND DEFEND HER AT ALL TIMES. What this means is that you should have defended your wife when your mother told you how she felt and then you could have gone to your wife privately and discuss it.

First, DON’T TELL YOUR WIFE THAT YOUR MOTHER SPOKE ABOUT HER B/C IT IS RECHILUS. Your wife will just feel resentment towards your mother and feel insulted that YOU DID NOT DEFEND HER.