rubberbands

As mentioned by prob. majority of the posters here, We get to choose what lifestyle we want whether someone wants a learning boy or a learner/earner.

The fact is that a learning boy will not be working so therefore somehow there has to be an income.

A poster mentioned that her parents can’t support and doesn’t feel she’s on the page as a working boy(personally I know of many really great frum working boys)So I suggest that she try if possible to get a profession in order to support.

The fact that a kollel couple can live nicely is a solely dependent on how they’re being supported-it’s individual to each couple.

I’m trying to be as objective as possible, I think those who don’t approve of supporting kollel couples should prob. take a walk into a kollel neighborhood you’ll be pleasantly surprised, to me it’s very beautiful (even if some of them live nicely-their life is torahdik)And those who are pro-kollel can also see the beauty of someone who’s father works and learns every spare minute he can and makes sure to daven with a minyan,shuirim,has a chavusa,the home is torahdik and full of a love for yiddishkeit..

Everyone in Klal Yisroel has diffrent roles in order to serve Hashem

so does that mean when they ask me about support should i say well there are people who live on nothing and are fine if this isn’t how you see yourself living then i wont set it up.

or should i say go out and find out if your interested and then figure out the money business.

I feel sorry for them, that’s the truth because they can’t get over/ out of stuff.

I spoke to a Rav and he told me that it’s basically out of my hands you can’t literally force someone to apologize to you or get someone who has issues (mindset) to change without them getting help.

But he did say (which I plan on doing) is to have a family meeting with your family and explain how not everyone behaves the way you would like them to and some people even your relatives can be dysfunctional (how do you tell that to a 9 yr old they wouldn’t understand)

–I need to think about how I am going to present it to my kids it’s going to be tough!!

What I gained from speaking to my Rav was venting and also how to cope and deal with dysfunctional people.

Did anyone have to do this or tell kids not to get hurt by someone’s behavior because adults don’t know how to act???!!!

It’s soo hard to come to terms that this will be the reality for the next generations and it’s hopeless…sort of like I’m pouring my heart out and stressing myself to the core while no one can do anything about it!!

One time I was talking with my close friend and she said something bad about her sister-in law and I said your so lucky you have people to fight and argue with…she’s like huh?? I said your so lucky since my own cousins won’t even look at me!! And I spoke to everyone and I don’t know what caused it…she supported me and said I should re-approach them which I did and then as I said on a previous post it’s so hard…

I wish (I would give anything to get rid of this!!) I would even pay (any amount of $$$)them in order for my children to have a cordial life!!

One thing I know is that when people fight and argue they have a chance to resolve the issue but silence is so horrible it’s worse than anything else in the world.

Is the true answer to keep up the ignoring and disgusting behavior Or is there some hope left??

My husband can’t believe they can act this way and get away with it…He’s nice and loves everyone (that’s how he grew up)..I wish I can make peace!! Please tell me should I go to a mediator/social worker/Rav etc. to get them to talk it out???

Really, I approached the children and explained how childish this whole thing is and what should I do about it but their response was

“you don’t understand we can’t do anything about it” —because it will cause a BIG FIGHT in our family”—

basically they’ve been taught not to face their problems but to avoid everything (it’s come out in many relationships they’ve had and if someone rubs them the wrong way they get angry) and won’t face conflict/problems and sit down to talk about it cause they’re scared of the reaction blowing up!

The adults (from my end) did get involved and reached out to them to break this up but they ever once got a return phone call or response!!

It’s funny another thing is that they respect some of the family members for ulterior reasons (wealth) and they want to look good and actually want to keep up with them (money wise) So those relatives have power over them and they want to maintain ties with them for the sake of Shalom Bayis!

I’m all for people being nice to them but don’t they realize it’s disgusting that they can act so nice to those families and not my family???

Should I call their Rav and find out what’s going on???

I really need guidance!

That is the crazy thing about this problem no one understands it first of all there’s no money involved no yerusha or a/t like that.. it’s a “getting along” problem (don’t worry I tried to dig up all the possibilities of what caused the problem without much success! I contacted many many people to try to find out what went wrong…

There seems to be a track record of their family getting insultedslighted by people and they hold grudges and cant let go of it!!

I kind of wish it would be a money problem or something else!!! Something more concrete!!!

For example they don’t talk to some neighbors or some cousins who they felt intimidated by.

So I’m not here to sort out their problems but I don’t appreciate the silent treatment for doing nothing to them it’s baseless hatred REAL sinas chinam I had enough and I’m stuck ’cause what am I supposed to do???