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in the olden days, didn’t they just bring in more boys from Poland?
I have the greatest sympathy for people who wish to be married and can not marry, due to a shortage of the opposite sex.
But, this doesn’t sound like that problem. This sounds like a question of either 1) changing standards on the part of the young women (they wish to marry “white collar” workers); or 2) We have a generation where there are many more accomplished girls than the previous generation.
Will our making more shidduchim help the problem? If there si still a shortage of spouses that meet expectations, then making a shidduch will only take one boy out of the boy pool, and one girl out of the girl pool, still leaving us with the initial problem.
Is the problem, really, that we have honored the kollel boys too much, and the working boys too little? Have we passed this attitude on to our daughers? There is nothing ignoble or unholy about honest manual labor. After all, if your toilet is backed up,
who do you call? The rabbi, or the plumber?
A more realistic solution would be to match girls with higher expectations with charming and hardworking boys, so they can see that such a match may be for them.
the title of this thread just reminds me of a Smokey The Bear poster with Smokey pointing at you and saying, “Only You Can Prevent Forest Fires.”
Perhaps a mascot is needed? Shmuelik the Shadchan Squirrel – “only you can make a match today.”
oh, that is a problem.
Perhaps it is best for all to learn that you can’t shop for a shidduch like you shop for a dress.
Here’s my story, which I am reposting from another topic, since it’s relevant here, too:
Shortly before I met the woman who would become my wife, I heard a shadchan speak. He said his job had become much more difficult in the last 20 years, since people started giving him a shopping list: “I want a man over six feet tall, with a full head of hair, definitely not a republican, etc. . . . “
He said this had made his job much more difficult, since people a priori excluded so many possible matches, giving him a much smaller pool to choose from.
He also made the point that most successful shidduchim before that time were people that the two parties would not have selected, given a list of characteristics beforehand.
I heard him talk, and said to myself, at least I am not like that, I don’t have a shopping list. But still, I decided to be more open-minded and try to do away with the few preconceptions I had.
Whether I did or not is unclear, but a few weeks later, I met my intended, now my wife. I knew after a week or two that she was meant for me, and within a month I knew we would eventually marry. It was just a feeling I had, she felt right, and everything felt right.
But, if you had presented her to me as a list of attributes ahead of time — well, she’s short, she’s from Russia, and a few other things I would have perhaps nixed.
But, she also has kindness and compassion, love and an infectious laugh, and a bounty of other things that make up for the attributes I didn’t much care for.
So, here is my special formula:
1. Listen to a famous shadchan speak.
2. Laugh at the shadchan’s advice, and believe that it doesn’t really apply to you.
3. Go out and meet the right person.
We have been married almost five weeks now, and they said it wouldn’t last.
>>>What do you say about reinstating polygamy<<<
That would revive the old marriage conundrum: One wife is both too many, and not enough.
AZ – thanks for the answer.
I have a followup question, of course: What is believed to be the cause of it? Is it the simple fact that there are more girls than boys born, and more reach maturity? Or are there other reasons? boys marrying out of the faith? Higher mortality rates on boys than girls? More boys than usual not wishing to get married?
Why is it a crisis now? What happened to change this from normalcy to crisis.
Thanks in advance for the answer.
what, precisely, is the crisis in shidduchs today? How does it differ from the past?
anonforthis – does he have a massachusetts license plate?
I recently saw “MOHEL” in Brighton, Massachusetts
Money, by itself, is not such a great motivator, though we are quick to think that it is the sole motivator of others. People who do things ONLY for money, tend not to do them so well.
Other motivators are: prestige, power, satisfaction, love, approval, romance, food, etc.
The absolute best motivations are usually combinations of those motivators.
My dear grandfathers knew this, and would frequently reward my good behaviors and learning successes with a small cash gift PLUS a kiss and a pat on the head, a few kind words of approval, acceptance and loving, and a small gift of sweet food.
That combination created a motivator for learning far more powerful than money alone. That continues to this day. I learn new things because I wish to, and get satisfaction from just knowing things, and I subconsciously recall the love, acceptance and gifts from my grandfathers.
Defeat Osama, Obama, and Chelsea’s mama!
Vegetarian – old Indian word for “Lousy Hunter.”
Good. We have a new president. No more wars or stupid spending.
Will work for fuel.
Ambition is a poor excuse not to be lazy.
For fast relief, take two tablets (drawing of Moses holding up 10 commandments.)
Amateurs built the ark, professionals built the Titanic.
I thought about being an atheist, but there weren’t enough holidays.
and my recent favorite:
Bumperstickers are frivolous.
Shortly I met the woman who would become my wife, I heard a shadchan speak. He said his job had become much more difficult in the last 20 years, since people started giving him a shopping list: “I want a man over six feet tall, with a full head of hair, definitely not a republican, etc. . . . “
He said this had made his job much more difficult, since people a priori excluded so many possible matches, giving him a much smaller pool to choose from.
He also made the point that most successful shidduchim before that time were people that the two parties would not have selected, given a list of characteristics beforehand.
I heard him talk, and said to myself, at least I am not like that, I don’t have a shopping list. But still, I decided to be more open-minded and try to do away with the few preconceptions I had.
Whether I did or not is unclear, but a few weeks later, I met my intended, now my wife. I knew after a week or two that she was meant for me, and within a month I knew we would eventually marry. It was just a feeling I had, she felt right, and everything felt right.
But, if you had presented her to me as a list of attributes ahead of time — well, she’s short, she’s from Russia, and a few other things I would have perhaps nixed.
But, she also has kindness and compassion, love and an infectious laugh, and a bounty of other things that make up for the attributes I didn’t much care for.
So, here is my special formula:
1. Listen to a famous shadhan speak.
2. Laugh at the shadchan’s advice, and believe that it doesn’t really apply to you.
3. Go out and meet the right person.
We have been married almost five weeks now, and they said it wouldn’t last.
If you don’t like the way I drive, stay off the sidewalk.
how can you know that? Could be a tribemember of the lost tribes. Are DNA tests required? What do you do about the descendants of converts who reconverted?
for a dinner party?
Sticks and stones are hard on bones,
aimed with angry art
words can sting like anything,
but silence breaks the heart.
-Phyllis Mcgenlee
because it makes a mess on the floor when thrown over the mechitza. Or, it ruins someone’s dress.
Yossi, describe your brother, and we will suggest matches.
<<<<< us to distance ourselves from the Goyim in every way…<<<<
further, how can we serve as light unto the nations if we separate ourselves from those nations?
I’m in no condition to drive…wait! I shouldn’t listen to myself, I’m drunk! – Homer Simpson
I have the answer in my head, I just haven’t found it yet
Don’t think of yourself as an ugly person, just a beautiful monkey.
If everything is coming your way you’re in the wrong lane!
Excuse me… have you seen my sanity… I think I lost it.
Do not envy the one you admire most, instead, try to make yourself one that can be envied
TO PLANT A GARDEN IS TO BELIEVE IN TOMORROW
and my all time favorite (it’s a bit arcane, of a geological bent) –
REUNITE GONDWANALAND
also, there is a phone line with an answering machine that gives the latest status.
Driver carries only $20.00 in ammunition
Nothing inside worth dying for.
Your Kid May Be An Honor Student, But You’re Still Dumb.
I Just Got A Gun For My Wife – Best Trade I Ever Made.
now dated:
I wish I lived in New York so I could vote against Hillary.
Free Michelle Obama!
Don’t crash this party.
Falling Muffler Zone.
Yes, it is a Pinto, No, this is not as fast as I can go.
Someone stuck my car onto this bumper sticker.
What is the meaning of life? (answer on front bumper)
I wasn’t put on earth to test your reflexes.
Don’t follow me, I lose all sense of direction when drunk.
No brakes, get as close as you like.
Oink if you’re a road hog.
New member: Kamikaze club.
also, there is a phone line with an answering machine that gives the latest status.
In the boston area, the statuses of the various Eruv’s are posted on the web before Shabbats and Yom Tovs.
>>my rebbe, R. Shlomo Drillman z”l was steadfast in his opposition to it.
what were your rebbe’s objections?
not sure if it has to do with love. Maybe it’s me. Perhaps I need to learn to accept the gift in the spirit given. Both my mother and my cousin love me, I have no doubt. I just feel a bit guilty that the cousin’s gift was so large, because I believe she could not afford it.
Oh well, nothing to do but write her an effusively thankful thank you card, I suppose.
Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you
absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.
Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash.
Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a
proctologist immediately before he examines you.
Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your
soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.
Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.
Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you
have gained.
Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after
you are run over by a steamroller.
Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
Pokemon (n), A Jamaican proctologist.
Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with
Yiddish expressions.
Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat
stomach.
Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
I don’t know of any university that doesn’t offer single-gender dorms, if requested.
we had some gulls over our succah, but they were too gullible?
Aloha oy!
(Love; greetings; farewell; from such a pain you should never know)
and, for your amusement, famous telephone answering machine messages:
“You have reached the offices of Dr. Jekyll. Thank you for your patience during our transition.”
“You have reached Weight Watchers. If this is an emergency, press the pound sign now.”
Don’t incorrige me, I’m incorrigible.
mshandle — call a woman by the wrong name
Habit-forming – a compulsion to make clothing for nuns.
Hannah – biblical character from the book of Palindromes.
Hamster – a gentile.
Hex – Yiddish symbol used to mark the spot.
Hello – the official gelatin of Mexico.
Hunchback – Notre Dame football player who relies on his intuition.
Hexagon – Italian exorcism.
Herring – teutonic bar mitzvah.
Housebreaking – to toilet-train a burglar.
what do you mean by “belong?”
Yes.
frumpet?
Yisra-ale – top-fermenting beer made in the Holy land.
<<I have been taking rides for FIVE years and i never got kidnapped and i don’t know anyone who did>>
As the man who jumped off the Empire State Building said as he passed the second floor:
“So far, so good.”
Cross-fresser – one who eats a dairy meal, then goes across town immediately and eats a meat meal.
I was just married a month ago, so I would like to offer a few fresh perspectives.
1. Cash gifts are wonderful, and always the right color. We are older, and each had our separate households, so we’re all set in the chotchkes and appliance department. In fact, if you would come to our house and take some of our surplus chotchkes, that would make a wonderful gift.
2. Please do not bring the gifts to the reception — it is too easy for them to get lost, and it is just another thing for the newlyweds to keep track of on a busy day. Etiquette books tell you this, and I have been trying to convince my new bride of this for a few years. Now that she has had the experience, she finally agrees with me.
We have some generous friends who I am pretty sure sent a gift, but we did not receive it. This puts us in an embarrasing position. It would be rude to ask directly, and rude not to send an acknowledgment. I did send a card thanking them for their attendance, and thanking him for standing by as ‘backup witness’, in case one of the two witnesses got writer’s cramp.
3. Don’t send perishable or time-sensitive items, unless you are delivering them yourself.
My brother sent 150 roses for our reception from Florida, where he lives. He shipped them by overnight mail, and he waited for them to be delivered all day. They were actually delivered about 10 days later, and had lost some of their, um, beauty, in the interim. Fortunately, he can get a refund for the postage, which was substantial, and possibly an insurance payment for part of the cost of the flowers from the postal insurance.
I was very touched by his gesture, but I felt awful that he was waiting for the delivery here, and the flowers wouldn’t have matched our tablecloths or decor at the reception. He was very disappointed, and that detracted a bit from our joy on that day.
One other thought:
One cousin sent a very large cash gift. She is not doing well financially, and I know that this gift represents perhaps a half-week’s salary for her. That makes me feel a bit guilty. I can’t return it, so all I can really do is feel bad about it, and be extra-nice to her the next time I see her.
My mother gave us a huge gift, 50 times the size of this cousin’s gift. But, she’s my mother, she’s been waiting and saving for this, she derived a huge amount of personal satisfaction from giving the gift, etc., and she can afford it.
So, it’s not the size or monetary value of the gift that counts, but rather the feeling, and I still get a twinge of guilt or something, when thinking of the gift the cousin gift.
this stuff works better!!! The commercial, scented deodorants are sold to you as better, but the only effective ingredient in them is a basic antiseptic or antibacterial, which sells for a fraction of the cost of commercial deodorants.
almost any mild antiseptic or antibacterial will do the trick. As long as it doesn’t irritate your skin or make a mess.
no, they were limousines every bit as nice as the limo rental. Same make and everything.
I didn’t know that about the dowry. Can I go back and negotiate retroactively?
yes, when we were looking to give some tzedekah for our wedding, we looked at the possibility of sponsoring a wedding in Eretz Yisrael, perhaps one the same day as ours. The cost of one of those weddings was higher than our wedding! My bride was reticent to sponsor a wedding much nicer than our own. She felt more comfortable sponsoring something more practical, like kitchen utensils, etc., for a new bride.
One thing I noticed, too, is that when you are shopping for simcha components, the price goes way up when you mention the word WEDDING.
We told the hotel where some of our guests were staying that it was a family reunion (well, it was that, also!)
When I needed some rented transportation for a friend’s wedding a few years ago, I called a limo service that specializes in weddings, and I also called a funeral director who had a few nice cars usually reserved for mourners.
Guess which one was 1/2 the price of the other?