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A sailor was caught AWOL as he tried to sneak on board his ship at about 3 am. The chief petty officer spied him and ordered the sailor to stop.
Upon hearing the sailor’s lame explanation for his tardiness, the officer ordered the sailor, “Take this broom and sweep every link on this anchor chain by morning or it’s the brig for you!”
The sailor began to pick up the broom and commence performing his charge. As he began to sweep, a tern landed on the broom handle. The sailor yelled at the bird to leave, but it didn’t. The lad picked the tern off the broom handle, and tossed it out of his way. The bird left, only to return and light once again on the broom handle, and was once again tossed overboard.
The sailor went through the same routine all over again, with the same result. He couldn’t get any cleaning done because he can only sweep at the chain once or twice before the blasted bird returns.
When morning came, so did the chief petty officer, to check up on his wayward sailor.
“What in the heck have you been doing all night? This chain is no cleaner than when you started! What have you to say for yourself, sailor?” barked the chief.
“Honest, Chief,” came the reply, “I tossed a tern all night and couldn’t sweep a link!”
OdOoOmO
Dominoes.
MEREPEAT
Repeat after me.
GR12″AVE
One foot in the grave.
insult+injury
Adding insult to injury.
The post office received a letter with the following address:
Wood
John
Mass
and they delivered it correctly.
Where to?
John Underwood
Andover, Mass.
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
Bobby Fischer and Boris Spassky were playing a championship chess tournament in Reykjavik. The auditorium became very hot, which bothered both players, so they agreed to move the game into the foyer, where it was cooler.
Immediately, both players started telling each other, the kibbitzers and the spectators of some of the great gambits they had invented.
Someone walked in on the game, and asked what was going on.
“Oh,they’re just chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.”
Dr. Watson arrives at 221B Baker Street and is stunned to find his friend Sherlock Holmes out front wearing overalls, applying a pale yellow paint to the front door.
“Holmes what is it?” cried Watson.
“A lemon entry, my dear Watson.”
A mother skunk gave birth to twins, whom she named In and Out.
One day In was out, so she asked Out,”Out go out and find In, In’s out and I want him in, I’ve been looking for In outside for ages, I can’t find In, he is out so go out find In and bring him in.”
“What?” said Out.
“In’s out, so Out go out find In and bring him In, I’ve been looking for ages and can’t find In, I want In in, Out, go out and bring In in, if you can find him.”
So Out goes out to look for his brother In, and within seconds of leaving, he comes back with In in tow, and his mother asks “Out, how did you find In so quickly?”
“In stinkt.”
The Rubensteins were proud of their family tradition. Their ancestors had come to America in the mid 19th century. Their line had included doctors, lawyers, merchants and rabbis.
They decided to compile a family history, a legacy for the children. They hired a fine author. Only one problem arose: how to handle that great-uncle who was executed in the at Sing-Sing,in the electric chair. The author said not to worry, he could handle that section of history tactfully.
When the book appeared, the family turned to the section on Uncle Jacob. There, they read “Jacob Rubenstein occupied a chair of applied electronics at an important government institution, was attached to his position by the strongest of ties. His death came as a real shock.”
Noah is waiting by his ark. Waiting for all the animals that G-d has promised will squeeze into the boat that he’s built.
Suddenly, he sees them. Great numbers of beasts all converging on the ark. He lowers the gang-plank, and watches as the animals start filing on board, two-by-two.
As they go into the ship, Noah can be heard passing comments on each animal that goes by – “Hmmm… two horses,” he says, “they don’t taste very nice, but they’re edible,” and “Ooh! Two sheep. I love roast lamb.”
And so it goes on, for each pair of animals, Noah counts going on board, he says something about what they’re like to eat. Eventually one of Noah’s son can stand it no longer, and he goes to his mother to ask why.
She answers: “Well, there’s Noah counting for taste.”
To which the son replies: “Now I’ve herd everything.”
Homer Simpson heard about Chamberlain’s appeasement of Hitler in 1938. His reaction: “Better the Neville you … d’oh!”
Thank you, all moderators! I like the new system, too.
You can’t base a conclusion on a single anecdotal occurence.
Generally, leasing new vehicles insures only that you pay the highest cost for the use of that vehicle.
-rsr- (who drives an 11-year old Subaru, and Mrs. R drives a 13-year old Subaru)
Why don’t we worry about the marriage crisis. So many more young couples are divorcing these days.
Though we idealize what happened long ago, there were many abuses of the shidduch system, particularly toward the end of the 19th century and early 20th century, as the result.
One such perversion of the process was shidduch “farming.” A boy would become engaged and even marry a girl, collect the dowries and trousseaus, then move on to the next town or even to America.
Miss Mus, may we please see a sample of your handwriting, so we can decide if you may continue to post in this forum?
from 1793-1933, Inauguration day was March 4th. The 20th Amendment to the Constitution of the United States changed Inauguration Day to the 20th of January.
I quote from Section 1 of that amendment:
“Section 1. The terms of the President and Vice President shall end at noon on the 20th day of January, and the terms of Senators and Representatives at noon on the 3d day of January, of the years in which such terms would have ended if this article had not been ratified; and the terms of their successors shall then begin.”
Chanukah and Purim also occur on definite days, though that is not to be found in the Constitution.
Yes, Martin Grossman was executed Tuesday evening. He was pronounced dead at 6:17 pm.
try spray-on cooking vegetable oil for the furniture. Also try toothpaste applied and scrubbed with a toothbrush.
Try rubbing alcohol, put on a cloth first, and then used to clean the monitor.
Try toothpaste and a toothbrush to get the Sharpie off the furniture. Nice thing about this is it improves most finishes. Also, cooking oil sprays sometimes work.
If you are cleaning the computer screen with anything liquid, put it on a soft cloth and clean the screen with the cloth. Don’t put anything wet directly on the screen.
Can he clean a kitchen sink?
Quicker than a wink.
Can he clean a window sash?
Faster than a flash.
Can he clean a dirty mirror?
He’ll make it bright and clearer.
Can he clean a diamond ring?
Mr. Clean cleans anything.
Father O’Flaherty tried to enjoy himself at a baseball game, but the
man sitting next to him kept bothering him with lots of questions. The
priest bought a kosher hot dog, and the vendor handed it to the talkative
man. He passed it along to Father O’Flaherty, who downed it in one
gulp. This was the first time a hot dog had ever gone from the
prying fan into the friar.
The Dason company in North Carolina is famous for its home blenders
and mixing machines. They have a slogan in their advertising which
reads like this: “When in the South, y’all, be sure to come to see
the famous Dason Mixin’ Line.”
The famous film director, fighting a severe cold, was nevertheless on
location in Athens, determined to complete his movie. One scene at an
ancient ruin required so many takes that Milos soon developed
laryngitis. To this day, locals who worked on the set remember the
director as the hoarse Forman of the Acropolis.
Here where we live in New Hampshire, the little creeks roll down the
mountain across our fields, making endless little rivulets. My wife
spend much of the year working on the borders of these streams,
working hard to keep the borders clear and clean. If there is anything
she likes, it is to weed a good brook.
You’d have to be 69 years old or older to have been born when that song first became popular.
The first line is:
Hey there Tex, what you say?
OR
Pardon me, boys, is that the chattanooga choo-choo
depending on what you consider the first line.
I forgot my all time favorite punch line:
He’s a routine Teuton, Eiffel-lootin’ Sarnoff goon from Harris Sonar, rock time Caravaggio.
Toonerisms, that is Spoonerisms made out of the titles of songs.
They Tried to Sell Us Egg Foo Yung / They Tried to Tell Us We ‘re Too Young
I ‘m a Noel Coward Fan from the Rio Grande / I’m an Old Cowhand from the Rio Grande
(It’s very clear) Your Mother’s Here to Stay / Love Is Here to Stay
Days of Wine and Cirrhosis / Days of Wine and Roses
Between the Devil and the E.E.C. / Between the Devil and the Deep Blue Sea
I Only Advise a Few / I Only have Eyes for You
What Are You Doing Molesting My Wife / What Are You Doing the Rest of your Life
When Your Liver Has Gone / When Your Lover Has Gone
Massenet’s Allergy / Massenet’s Elegy
Good Morning, Headache /Good Morning, Heartache
I’m Putting All My Basques in One Exit I’m Putting All My Eggs in One Basket
Adjust My Bill / He’s Just My Bill
Veal Meat Again! / We’ll Meet Again
Baby, De Gaulle’s Outside / Baby, It’s Cold Outside
A Wino that You Know / I Know that You Know
I’ll Syringe Your Ear / I Surrender, Dear
Fry Me Some Liver / Cry Me a River
I need to go to sleep now, so I must hurry this last post.
Since I know that usually the only part of a joke is the punchline, I am dispensing with the body of the joke, and posting only the punchlines. Please feel free to insert your own joke.
* No Soap…..Radio
* Two obese Pattys, Special Ross, Lester cheats picking bunions on a Sesame Street bus!
* I was talking to the duck.
* Super-calloused, fragile mystic, hexed by halitosis!!
* It’s a knick-knack Paddywack! Give the frog a loan!
* Oppornockity only tunes once!
* He should have quit while he was a head.
* It’s not very good….but it’s filling.
* One good tern deserves another.
* To get to the other side
* To get to the Shell station
* Because 7 8 9.
* Because he was stapled to the chicken.
* The plums are coming! He was color blind.
* To stamp out fires.
* To stamp out flaming ducks.
* To keep their pants up.
* HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA thud.
* Do you have anything to stop this coffin?
* Give me a chapstick and put it on my bill. (this one involves a duck)
* Why the long face?
* I don’t even know her.
* He was looking for Pooh.
* For the halibut.
* The turkey is fowl.
* Can’t have your kayak and heat it too.
* One for me and one for the road.
* A Benny shaved is a Benny urned.
* People in grass houses shouldn’t stow thrones.
* You left your Injun running.
* Never leave a tern unstoned.
* He’s the furry with the syringe on top.
* It’s a long way to tip a Rarie.
All the Native Americans on the reservation were proud of James, the first of their tribe ever to be accepted at a trade school. The entire tribe contributed towards James’ tuition, and he was so touched that he vowed to return to the reservation, and use his skills to improve the lives of the tribe members.
James went to school, studied hard and distinguished himself, and became an excellent electrician.
He returned to the reservation, and started his promised work. The first project was was to run electrical wires to the outhouses, so there could be light there at night.
Thus, he became the first Native American to wire a head for a reservation.
also, once Roy and Dale were riding their horses away from New York City, on the way to visit their Rav in Monsey.
Perched on a cliff in Westchester County, Dale spied some movement in the distance. She said to Roy, “There are some very strange horses out there.”
Roy replied, “Them’s not horses, Them’s cars, Dale.”
and that’s the story of how that town got its name, and I’m sticking with it.
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The laboratory rat, despite all urging, stubbornly refused to perform
the assigned experiments. After a while, however, he reconsidered, and
wended his maze.
When Horrace Greely said, “Go West, Young Man.” he had to eat his
words. Many people tried to travel to the western states by railroad.
The seats on the rail cars were very small and many of the larger
people had to stay home. Thus the saying was born, “No West for
the reary.”
George Gershwin, vacationing on Cape Cod with several colleagues,
couldn’t decide whether to rehearse a composition or spend the
afternoon cycling along the beach. “Which shall it be?” he asked his
friends. “Do we get down to work, or do we bike up the strand?”
We were creeping through hostile jungle, well camouflaged. I was
covered with vines. My wife wore twigs. And so we pressed on bravely
with sod on our guide.
An old one that may define the genre. It was the title of a book that was full of these:
John James Audubon, pursuing an intense interest in the genetic
traits of birds, raised a colony of European crows. One day, he met a
friend who inquired, “Bred any good rooks lately?”
I am always a bit annoyed when someone dismisses a compliment with, Well, he’s a natural. I think it used to be applied to black ballplayers all the time, as in, “Willie Mays, he’s a natural.” It dismisses the fact that the player practiced hard, studied hard, and worked hard.
We are not only are genotype. One may be a natural, but you still have to work hard to be the best.
Kol Hakavod to the boy.
People say stupid things because they don’t know what to say.
I am eternally grateful to my mother, who gave me an etiquette book when I was a teenager. This was great for me, because I was socially awkward, and would frequently say some of these stupid things, or nothing at all, not out of malice, but out of awkwardness.
One of the chapters in the book was about things to say on all occasions. It reduces it to a formula, of course, but my heart thinks what it needs to, and my mouth says what the book says.
For instance, when you speak to a person who has just lost a loved one, you tell them how sorry you are for their loss, then recall an important moment in that loved one’s life, and tell why it was important to you. Also, you can speak of the virtues of the deceased person: you can never go wrong with that.
Knowing this “formula” made me less afraid to say something to a bereaved person. Even if I could not say what was in my heart, I could say something that would help relieve a small part of their pain, and that was important to me.
“I am so sorry that you hurt your <fill in the appropriate organ or system>. I hope you will be up and about and healthy soon.” works really well, too.
and every young girl thinks her looks are full of flaws.
Every young guy thinks he’s a border-line Cary Grant.
a. German luxury car for the plutonian underworld.
b. Gull-wing sportscar made for modern Israel’s first prime-minister.
2. Custer bluster.
3. Belch squelch.
4. Slimey limey.
9. Apprenticed dentist.
12. Spartan carton.
Hey, you guys are pretty good. I did intend 17 to be Ra’anana Banana, but the other answers were good, too.
probably because the musicians control the sound equipment, and they have severe hearing loss due to listening to so much loud music over the years.
You need to speak to the bandleader or the sound man. It is possible to have a good sound level. We had a nice four-piece klezmer band at our wedding, and they played unamplified — loud enough for the dancing, quiet enough so you could hear at the tables.
Sometimes they don’t know until you tell them.