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“Tur Shimon used to provide three hundred loaves of bread (for the poor) every eve of shabbat. Why then was it destroyed? One says, due to licentiousness. Another says, because they used to play ball.”
The Yerushalmi provides us with no further clarification on this matter, but it is clear to me that chazal are associating destruction with chillul shabbat, and that ball playing is seem as being out of line with the proper atmosphere we should be aiming to inculcate on shabbat.
Platchige biberhat- Yiddish for a flat/pancake-style hat made of beaver fur, generally work by Satmar men ubiquitous in Hasidic Williamsburg.
I belong to a natural and organic food co-op in Brooklyn, and they have these great vegan seafood specialties, Sophie’s Kitchen (COR-Parve). I had the vegan calamari with spicy thick red sauce (with anchovy, pepperonicini flakes, and olive oil) for dinner, along with some Italian bread.
a) Regarding the eruv: There are many of us who are somech on the shita of the Rambam (and also the Mishna Berura) and never carry within string eruvin. Eventually, you can learn to live without it. I daven in the same place for all three tefillot, leave my siddur there, and either leave my tallit there before shabbat, or wear my tallit on shabbat. For a woman, this can be trickier, especially once a baby is born, since you can’t push a stroller on shabbat. Solutions could possibly include getting a sitter for while you go to shul, or, have your husband go to hashkama minyan and then you go to the regular minyan.
b) Parnassa: It is a huge challenge for all of us. Education costs a ton of money, and the cost of frum living, even when welfare is involved, is very high. Jobs are not in abundance. I also find there are more opportunities in large cities, but the issue is that the cost of living is also much higher here. I’d suggest speaking with a professional about finances and jobs.
c) PUSH: Pray Until Something Happens. Your story is heartbreaking to me. Connect with your local rabbi and see what can be done for your family. If there are frum business owners, maybe they can offer employment, or donations of food, clothing, etc.
If there is a need to be frugal ($700 a week seems like plenty to me), maybe consider going to a financial counselor or financial planner with her. Prior to marriage, I think it’s a good idea for couples to meet with not only a mental health counselor, but also a financial counselor, to determine acceptable patterns of spending and lay all the cards on the table, so to speak.
For the sake of shalom bayit, I’d separate household expenses from personal expenses. For instance, allocate funds for groceries (make a shopping list every week), utilities, mortgage/rent, dry cleaning/reasonably-priced clothing, health and beauty aids, work-related expenses, Gas/MetroCard, etc. Once you’ve taken care of your necessities, than you can put remaining funds in another account for discretionary spending.
Hachana le shabbat is a very important part of observing shabbat properly. When we say the shir shel yom, every day of the week is described relative to shabbat; i.e. every day of the week is intended to serve as preparation, physically and spiritually, for shabbat kodesh. The gemara recounts how each day of the week, chazal would do something le kavod shabbat kodesh. This can help you a great deal.
Part of that is the minhag to have mishmar on Thursday evening. I also make many of my preparations on Wednesday and Thursday, since I often have to work on Friday, too. Wednesday, I shop for shabbat, and I also select a new recipe or dish to prepare each week. Last week, I conducted a shabbaton in shul, and prepared Hungarian potato goulash, a new recipe.
There is a widespread Chasidic and Sephardic minhag to say Shir haShirim before Mincha. Find a kabbalat shabbat minyan near you in a style that you like (when I work as a chazzan, I use Carlebach for kabbalat shabbat tehillim, and when away, I usually seek out a minyan that is Carlebach-style, since this is what I am used to and what I relate to).
Choose your outfits on Thursday night, maybe try a new accessory or something like that (I sometimes try new ties for shabbat or whatnot).
Also, on shabbat itself, take your time. Print out good divrei torah ahead of shabbat and share them at the tisch. Visit with friends, do bikur cholim on Shabbat afternoon, see if there are any classes you can go to, and whatnot. I’ve been mekabel upon myself to learn 3 halachos from the Shemirat Shabbat Kehilchata on Shabbat after lunch, and I also now learn a little from Tana Divei Eliyahu on Motzaei Shabbat after havdalah and before melaveh malkah.
You seem like a really spiritual woman, and I am always impressed when my peers strive for greater depths and higher ma’alos. All the best to you, and let us know how things work out for you 🙂
My father (half-jokingly, half-serious) told my sister that she wasn’t allowed to date until age 35 and that she needs to dress Amish. I’d probably be just as (over)protective of my own daughter, should HaShem bless me with a daughter.
“Gam Zu Le Tovah”
“A Day at a Time”
I appreciate Leeba’s presence here. I think she can offer insights into how we can do things differently, so as to learn what caused her to go off, and to learn what not to do to boost retention rates.
In Williamsburg, they’re incredible insular and fearful and distrustful of outsiders. I’ve been in the area in the past (I worked on campaigns in W’burg and Greenpoint) and I’ve gotten stares, jeers, and insults and taunts when going into Gottlieb’s or kosher markets there for a meal because I don’t wear a platchige biberhat.
LeebaW, I feel that I’m often on the margins here, since most posters are very much opposed to Modern and Open Orthodoxy. But, I welcome you.
Also, you list shabbos and kashrus as ikkarim. How about ben adam le chavero?
Playing with a ball on shabbat isn’t technically assur al pi halacha. BUT, there is that famous Yerushalmi about how the city of Tur Shimon was destroyed, because they played ball on shabbat. Certain things may not be assur al pin din, but still shouldn’t be done out of the sake of propriety.
I conduct services as a chazzan in an Ashkenazic shul, and as such, I do everything, even my own personal Amidah, in that nusach (which I happen to personally enjoy very much). An interesting thing about our shul is this: our rabbi, a talmid of Rav Soloveitchik, zt”l, told me that on Yom Kippur, I should say the Avodah, which is said silently, in Sefard, since the Rav preferred this. Also, we open Neilah with El Nora Alilah. I asked him why the shul includes this very Sephardic piyut, and he said that because the shul used the Silverman machzor many decades ago, and this machzor includes this very Sephardic piyut for Ashkenazim, it became beloved to the congregation over time, and the minhag stuck. Interestingly, I find that our Ashkenazic rabbi mandates that many piyutim be skipped over in the high holidays davening, and no piyutim are inserted into the Amidah during the year at all, although I don’t know how many Ashkenazic places nowadays still include the Krovetz l’ Purim and whatnot).
While I use Sephardic havarah when I speak about torah and whatnot, I do daven (for the amud) in Ashkenazic havarah. I just feel that if I’ve taken the time to learn proper Ashkenaz nusach hatefillah, than I should pronounce the prayers in the Ashkenazic manner, and I also feel that from a musical and phraseology perspective, the nusach “flows” more smoothly and just works better when Ashkenaz havarah is used.
Regarding “suf” and tuf”: I heard a story about a kid who was personally very frum/yeshivishe-style (and involved in NCSY) but whose parents sent him to a coed community day school that was very Modern. Whenever the kid would read out loud, the teacher would correct his sufs with tufs (i.e. Shabbat, not Shabbos). The kid one day said to his teacher out loud, “I’ll tay it how I want to tay it.”
a) I can totally see JF’s point. I don’t like food cooked by other people in many cases. I dated someone for a few months who couldn’t even boil ravioli without them sticking (in Hillel’s day, something like that could be grounds for divorce). I’d be very happy with a marriage where I do all the cooking and the wife cleans.
b) I’m discussing women and torah study in a presentation I’m delivering at this year’s JOFA conference. Any understanding that teaching a woman torah is tiflut wouldn’t apply in a case where a woman has made her desire to learn known. The Chida paskens as such in Tov Ayin (#4) and I’ll be discussing his view in detail. Also, Rav Haim David haLevi supported women’s talmud study, and so did Rav Yitzchak Nissim. There are certainly very legitimate opinions, both within the Sephardic and Ashkenazic traditions, permitting this.
c) To come back to the original concern, with Rabbeinu Google, Artscroll apps, and the many websites out there, a person can find many sources easily.
The Rambam wrote about a talmid chacham wrapping a turban and making a bracha upon wrapping a turban. Rabbis don’t wear turbans anymore; perhaps the black fedora is seen as a post-Godfather version of a turban?
We live in a world that sadly emphasizes the chitzonius over pnimiyus. People look at someone in a kippah serugah, tzitzit tucked inside the trousers, and a polo shirt and khakis, versus someone in a black Borsalino, white shirt, and black jacket and pants, and they automatically assume that the guy in khakis and a kippah serugah “isn’t really frum,” despite the fact that he could possibly be more religious than the guy in the levush.
DY,
Please be mochel me. I didn’t see that before.
Yytz is spot-on about the minimal requirements for tefillah. Kavvanah and kevah are very important and it is important to know the meaning of what you’re saying, and being able to devote more time to fewer prayers is preferable to rushing through many prayers whose meanings you’re unsure of.
See also Lev Chaim, Orach Chaim (167:6)
Some (myself included) also drape the pinky with one of the tzitzit and when the tik is being closed up, they kiss the tzitzit and pinky.
Midnight should be fine. OTOH, at 18, you’re a legal adult, even if you can’t support yourself.
“I need this like I need a lokh in kop.”
Dr. Brown’s Cel-Ray (goes well with chopped liver)
My shul in Brooklyn could use new siddurim, as they’re stll using DeSola Pool black siddurim from 1960.
I lead services in a dying shul; sadly, we sometimes get more women than men, and since we need a minyan, essentially, their presence is useless and constitutes little more than kiddush freeloading.
He says that money isn’t a huge factor, but that it can play a role, especially when your lifestyle comes into play. For instance, if a guy wants to learn for a few years after marriage, there arises a question asd to whether the mechutanim can support him. Things like that. So money becomes a factor when it affects lifestyle choices.
I think chesronot only become chesronot when you allow them to become chesronot, or when you associate with people who view them as chesronot.
Pot is never a good thing. It’s a gateway drug, it lowers ambition and reduces inhbitions. I’m a proponent of doing whatever is possible to keep dope away from our children and keep the streets clean.
It depends on the nature of the advice you’re seeking.
DaMoshe, If I could, I’d shake your hand right now. You exhibit the kinds of behaviors that Jews (Especially religious ones) need to exhibit. We must be proactive in fostering good relations with our neighbors. We enjoy living in a free society relatively free of anti-semitism. The least we can do is give a kid a Hershey’s bar or something like that. Rav Pam’s rebbitzen made popcorn bags for the kids who’d come trick-or-treating. And while we wouldn’t want our kids to go trick-or-treating, not giving trick-or-treaters candy shows a standoffish, arrogant attitude. It also furthers anti-semitism, since it makes Jews look cheap and cold-hearted. I enjoy the day, the costumes, etc. And it gives me nachas to give children candy (I give the kids OU-D candy, and whatever is leftover, I eat myself or we give to kids in my shul).
Yytz,
I agree that there needs to be an emphasis on derech eretz kadma l’torah. Sadly, I see mainly BT and convert families teaching their kids these things, and not enough FFB families emphasizing the need to be ethical, moral, and law-abiding.
In my experience, and the Pew report confirms this, kiruv doesn’t really help in making people fully observant. It does help, though, in helping the non-Orthodox have some sense of a kesher to Jewish practice. It’s not easy to convince people of the primacy of halacha and whatnot.
It’s a bad idea to get involved in those situations (eating with teenage girls and young daughters at the shabbos table).
While shidduchim can be made at the shabbos table, and we speak of setting up our daughters (u’le shadech habanot)in the zemer Mah Yedidut, in many cases, I don’t even think the parents are interested in introducing their daughters to these guys, in which case, these men are merely being teased and their libidos antagonized by what they can’t have.
I spend my shabbos meals with either bachelors, or with older folks. No hirhurim involved there, at all. I agree with Wasserman.
Go to many shadchanim, try out JWed (frumster) or Saw You At Sinai, or even try singles shabbatonim (although I think you’d have more hatzlacha with the websites or shadchanim).
Ashkenazic women, according to genetic research, have essentially gentile genetic markers, unlike Ashkenazic men, whose mitochondrial DNA has many similarities to that of Sephardic men, showing more Jewish continuity among Jewish men than women.
Those early Ashkenazic female converts didn’t have conversions accepted by the Rabbanut and the RCA, therefore, they must be goyim gamurim.
R’ Benzion Klatzko speaks of the 5 M’s in his shiur on Shidduchim (on TorahAnytime).
Middot are the most important, but he also points to (mammon) money, family background (mishpacha), shared goals, and other factors, as well.
Yytz,
I was raised Reform. We ate all kinds of chazzerai. I’ve been religious and shomer kashrut for the past 6 years or so, and I’ve found the following to be true. When I travel in other places, outside NY, I find that keeping kosher nowadays is relatively simple (maybe because I hold that R’ Hazdan and R’ Ralbag are acceptable rabbanim), since there are things like Amy’s meals, bagel bites, certain cheeses, hummus, yogurts, bread, etc. widely available and under hashgacha. Certainly, it’s not the same as sitting down in a restaurant, but one can eat decent on the go.
I think kashrut, given the plethora of options, is one of the easier things to keep.
Our challenges go deeper. Emunah, Kavod haRav, tzniut, pornography, parnassa, shidduchim, etc. are all very tragic problems we’re dealing with.
I also once read in the Hakhel journal that one prominent rabbi (could have been R’ Belsky, don’t remember) said that Chol haMoed was the shabbos of our times. Considering the fact that many people don’t know the halachos of chol hamoed, this is very pressing and pertinent.
How to become a rebbe? Wear the right hat, name yourself after the shtetl in the alte heim your alte zeide came from, and say the right things.
How would you them classify a claim such as nashim da’atan kalot?
A man has more mitzvot to perform than a woman, and can be a talmid chacham, hence why many prefer a son to a daughter.
It’s interesting to note that in the Sephardic zeved habat prayer, we pray that the baby girl give birth to male children, davka.
Halachipedia
Shas Illuminated
MP3 Torah
Dafyomi.co.il
After teaching a semester in a boys yeshiva, I want all daughters.
Do you keep Halav Yisrael?
Schmerling makes light spreadable triangle cheeses that go well on celery and that are 60 calories per serving.
They also make Swiss cheese singles that are ok; they’re in a green package, and around 45 calories per slice.
If you don’t keep Halav Yisrael, Smart Beat makes rather tasty and relatively inexpensive American cheese singles that are 25 calories a slice (OU-D). These are my preferred choice.
I find that it’s often better to eat less of the “real” thing. I’m of late a fan of cheeses made by the Cheese Guy (OU). Perhaps I’m a bit of a foodie or snob, but I’d rather have less of real cheese, such as Montaggio, Lo Spadone, or Danish Blue cheese, than larger servings of processed cheese foods.
I generally don’t peel the sweet potatoes, but I scrub them well.
And a sweet potato with butter and cinnamon is delicious (or margarine, if you’re eating meat).
Bostoner chassidus seems to be attractive to newcomers; an article about the Bostoner community in Highland Park said that a baal teshuva medical doctor was responsible for bringing the shtieble there, and I know quite a few BT’s and one couple where the husband (like me) was a patrilineal non-Orthodox who made teshuva/was migayer, and married another convert who had a kesher with the Bostoner rebbe.
I’d say that this is probably a Choshen Mishpat she’eila (and one I’d rather not comment on). Speak to your local dayan, as to whether he is obligated to pay or not.
To my mind, however, this damage was certainly unintentional and I don’t see how he could have avoided this happening. Bava Kamma 27b says that it is not customary for a person to constantly check the path that he is walking on to make sure that he won’t damage someone else’s item that may be in the way. Therefore, if someone were to unintentionally damage someone else’s item that is in his way as he is walking, he would not have to pay for this item; the principle to be learned from this gemara is that although a person is held responsible even for unintentional damages, this is only if the damage could have been prevented if the person had exercised a little more care. Tosafos call this “Onnus K’Ein Aveidah”, unintentional damage that is similar to losing something. Just as the loss of an item can generally be prevented with a little foresight, so too for a person to be liable for damages it must be damage that could have been prevented with a little foresight. However, this is only where it is expected for people to act with caution. Since, generally, people are not cautious of what may be in their paths as they walk along, there would be no liability in such a case. Likewise, it doesn’t seem like a reasonable expectation for a person to assess the sturdiness of a chair before they sit down on it. If you offer a place for a person to sit in your home, they’d assume it’s safe and secure for them to sit there. The Nesivos and Ketzos both say that a person cannot be held liable for gramma be nezikin; i.e. a person can not be held liable in Bet Din for damage that indirectly resulted from his actions. I don’t see how this guy directly broke your bench, and it’s certainly not vadai whether this fellow broke your bench or not.
I’d suggest speaking to a dayan or a scholar learned in Choshen Mishpat.
Maybe this is the vestiges of the old-time Ashkenazic Yiddish pronunciation that you see among some old-timers.
I work in a shul where most people are older American Jews, and they call challah “challie.” Many of them on sukkot would talk about sitting in the “sukkie.” When chicken legs are served, they’re called “pulkies.” This may be a cultural thing.
Do people really even iPads anymore? People use iPhones and Androids.
I take payment for cantorial services, technically. I don’t accept extra payment for teaching.
However, there’s a teshuva of the Rashbatz that allows scholars functioning as the communal rav to accept payment; he reasons that ince the Kohen Gadol receives material support from the community, how much more so should a Torah scholar be entitled to such support; after all, he is equally performing a service for the community.
The Rema also says that a person important to the community may accept money from it, without violating the prohibition against benefiting from the Torah, for he is honoring the Torah, not using it.
Your typical Zevi Chaim learning in kollel or beis medresh doesn’t fulfill either of these criteria for getting paid. The Rema clearly has someone chashuv in mind, not a typical guy learning.
It’s not even that some of us aren’t “cut out” for full-time learning; there are some who hold like many binding halachic sources that learning torah for financial compensation is assur.
A person’s tafkid in life is to do the will of HaShem. To follow the Torah, and be a good Jew, to study torah, have a source of livelihood (parnassa), raise a family, etc.
A guy who goes to school and works as an accountant, PT, OT, Speech Therapist, PA (all popular fields for the frum community) while also going to minyan in the morning and learning mornings and evenings should, theoretically, be seen as a good shidduch.
I see having a profession as a machshir/means for a man to be yotzei his chiyuv (found in the ketuba) of providing for a wife. Ideally, if your work has a positive impact on the world and helps others, that’s wonderful, as well.
Having the mechutanim support you can cause shalom bayis problems. When the in-laws have control or any undue influence over any aspect of a marriage, that’s asking for trouble. OTOH, meeting people at university is often not possible, since many college-aged people aren’t seeking a shidduch, and the number of observant Jews at many colleges is limited. If one goes to a school with sizable observant population, then this could be a possibility.
I like the idea of a siddur; it demonstrates that you also care about your kallah’s spiritual development and religious growth, and depending on how mcuh your kallah actually cares about G-d and tefillah, she may really appreciate that.
That’s what Lubavitchers do. It is what it is.