Reb Nosson

Dear Wolfie

I want to congratulate you on the way you went about retrieving the phone book. Truly admirable. You acted like any decent loving child would act. First and foremost, you did the right thing. It was the right thing to do to collect a special item for your dear mother. Simple. You went and did it without any if’s or but’s.

But I struggle with the rest though.

First of all. You did it because you love her AND you can give yourself a high five knowing that you ARE fulfilling kibbud av in the process.

I know that when I do something for my mother or father, I do it because they are my parents, I love them and I have an awareness that I am fulfilling kibbud av.

Know that you are fulfilling kibbud av even if the essence of the mitzvah is not at the forefront of your mind activity. Kibbud av is not like tefilla where your mind activity should be focused on communicating with the Creator. In that case, any thoughts other than those related to prayer may affect the worth of one’s prayer. I don’t believe kibbud av is the same.

I think you are concerned that you have diminished the merit of your mitzvah because you approached it all with the wrong kavana.

Relax. What a great thing you did for your dear mother. By saying that you did not do the mitzvah with the right thoughts you are forgetting the whole emotional aspect associated with caring and loving your parents. It’s like this: You don’t make a declaration of ‘behold I am now going to fulfill the mitzvah of kibbud av by doing so an so…’ In other words, you think that the only thing that should occupy your mind space while carrying out such an admirable act should be the mitzvah alone and not the fact that you dearly love and care for you mother. I assume that’s how you feel you need to be. It’s not. You love your mother. You do it for her and that’s it. Period. And yes, you get the schar for kibbud av.

The importance of the mitzvah and the humanness of loving and caring for your parents are tied up and cannot be separated.

I understand not talking to a woman. I can even understand waiting for a male security guard. But I always understood the issur to be talking excessively to a woman since it may lead to speech that is un – Torah like and inappropriate. I don’t believe that simply explaining to a female security guard your situation would promote forbidden thoughts. You certainly wouldn’t say anything else besides the details surrounding your predicament.

Now as far aswanting to ignore her roommate…You didn’t ignore her because subconsciously you knew that doing so would have been wrong. In fact, ignoring said roommate could have resulted in the roommate feeling embarrassed and chas v’shalom, offended. The fact that you said hello to the roommate indicates you obviously have a moral conscience, which would in turn indicate that you didn’t want to hurt the feelings of the roommate. But honestly, I struggle with how you could even think of ignoring someone in the first place, Jewish or not, who extends a greeting toward you. Is this the world that the Creator wishes for? I would argue that it is the height of unG – dly behavior to flat out ignore someone, regardless of gender.

It happens all the time that we run into people we know. Surely the spirit of Ahavas Yisrael would certainly demand that you wish someone a good day or whatever. It has been recorded that simply wishing someone well could make their day. You are allowed to have a friend and do what friends do like catch up every now and then. There is no crime committed by having a casual chat with a friend you run into on the street. You wanted to avoid them! Is this the right way to behave?

And if I understood you correctly, you asked your mother how she was going. Is this correct?

You say you have committed a chillul Hashem by not dressing the way you believe a Ben Torah should dress. I think that as frum Jews we all set standards for how we should serve Hashem and unfortunately, sometimes we fall short of the expectations we may set for ourselves. Wolfie, were you dressed immodestly? Were you dressed in an offensive manner? I am guessing not. Think of it as not meeting your standards of expectation. Resolve to do better in the future. To think of it as a chillul Hashem is unnecessary. I feel like things need to be put in perspective a bit for you.

What about the tremendous Kiddush Hashem you made by helping you mother out.