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Viewing 50 posts - 51 through 100 (of 114 total)
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  • in reply to: Jokes #1202323
    REALIST
    Member

    ATTENTION LADIES:

    IF A MAN SAYS HE IS GOING TO FIX SOMETHING, HE WILL.

    THERE IS NO NEED TO REMIND HIM EVERY 6 MONTHS!!

    in reply to: Tefilin #894758
    REALIST
    Member

    MIK5:

    DO NOT GO PUTTING WORDS IN MY MOUTH!!

    NO!! I HAVE NEVER LIFTED UP MY SHEL ROSH THINKING THAT IT ENABLES ME TO SPEAK!

    AND WHAT IN MY WORDS LED YOU TO INFER THAT LUDICROUS THOUGHT?

    LASTLY, THE ‘SOME’ THAT YOU REFER TO THAT MAKE ANOTHER BRACHA AFTER THE BATHROOM, WOULD YOU PLEASE ENLIGHTEN THE REST OF US IGNORAMI AS TO WHOSE PSAK THAT IS DONE?????

    in reply to: Tefilin #894755
    REALIST
    Member

    You r defntly NOT obligating yourself to make a bracha.

    Your Rov said this?!

    Are you sure??

    Highly doubtful.

    Why is this worse than re-donning them after going to the bathroom?

    in reply to: Seminary options? #907834
    REALIST
    Member

    Does anybody know anything about Rabbi Yanofsky’s Lakewood Sem?

    in reply to: A Humorous Item #1173809
    REALIST
    Member

    For years, Morty Goldberg spent his Saturdays golfing. But when his wife died, he regularly began attending Saturday morning services so that he could say kaddish for her.

    Once the period had passed, the ritual chair asked Morty if he

    would like an aliyah the following Saturday. Morty said he’d be honored.

    But when folding up his tallis after the service, he realized if he was going

    to have an aliyah, he really should have his tallis cleaned.

    So on his way to work Monday morning, he figured he’d stop at Cohen’s

    Dry Cleaning and drop off the tallis. He pulls into the parking lot and

    proceeds to blanche when he sees the sign on the door: Achmed’s Dry

    Cleaning.

    He goes in and asks the owner, “What happened to Cohen?”

    “Sir,” said Achmed, “Mr. Cohen has retired. I spent many years working

    for him, and I bought out his business. And I am proud to say that many

    of his best customers still use my services.”

    Morty shows him that tallis and asks if he can have it clean by Fridy.

    “Friday is my sabbath,” explained Achmed. “But I can have it ready

    for you Thursday.”

    Even better, Morty thinks, so he leaves the tallis with Achmed.

    Thursday he comes to pick it up, and sure enough, it’s ready and

    hanging on a hanger in side a protective plastic overcover. “How

    much do I owe you?” he asks.

    “$49.95 plus tax,” Achmed answers.

    “$49.95!” screams Morty. “Cohen never charged me more than

    five bucks to clean my tallis.”

    “Yes, Mr. Goldberg,” said Achmed, “but Mr. Cohen never got all

    the knots out…”

    in reply to: "Live and let live" #890509
    REALIST
    Member

    Choppy:

    Wrong thread.

    in reply to: "Live and let live" #890504
    REALIST
    Member

    Having written my previous post, one must keep a delicate balance between two maamorei Chazal.

    Hochayach tochayach es amisecha,

    while at the same time,having in mind,

    K’shot atzmecho v’achar kach k’shot acheirim.

    It’s not easy.

    in reply to: "Live and let live" #890503
    REALIST
    Member

    LessChumras:

    Say what you want, TOI is correct!

    No bais din was required as Pinchas knew the halacha was on his side.

    Specifically, “Ha-bo al Aramis, Kanoim pogim bo”.

    Not agreeing with a halacha was the start of the reform movement!

    Good Luck!

    in reply to: teachers tying the children's shoelaces. #939636
    REALIST
    Member

    It’s very simple.

    If you cannot or are unwilling to do the job and ALL IT ENTAILS, find yourself a different profession!!!

    in reply to: Mayim Achronim for Guests #876220
    REALIST
    Member

    All the internet rabbis have to learn the difference between a minhag, a chumra, and a din!!! Then, and only then, review all these posts and see if you’d repeat some of your comments.

    in reply to: Mayim Achronim for Guests #876202
    REALIST
    Member

    Of course there’s a difference!

    There is no Mechaber that says “Coca Cola chova hee”.

    But there is one that reads, “Mayim Acharonim chova hee”.

    So if one’s minhag is not to adhere to the Sh. A., kol hakavod, but be gracious and allow others to keep the halacha.

    To quote you; To each their own. Facilitate it!

    in reply to: Mayim Achronim for Guests #876200
    REALIST
    Member

    And, Yitayning…, if you, the host, were on a diet, and drank only diet Coke, you’d tell your guest that if he wants, the reg. Coke’s in the fridge??? Gimme a break! Just bring out the Mayim Acharonim,and do ur hachnosas orchim all the way!

    in reply to: Karlin-Stolin #1090520
    REALIST
    Member

    Questions 1 & 3, I’ll leave to those in the know, but to answer the question re their havara; they’re a russian based chassidus and therefore (like Lubavitch) do not have the Chassidish havara of Polish and Hungarian based Chassidim.

    in reply to: Obamas position on gay marriage #875564
    REALIST
    Member

    HEY… If I were married to Michelle O, I would also be pro same-gender marriage!

    in reply to: Is smoking mutar? #954598
    REALIST
    Member

    BOCHUR613 said, “I have heard In the name of many gedolim…”.

    I have heard from many ‘now-deceased’ smokers that they wished they had stopped smoking when the world learned of its dangers.

    I trust what I heard first hand, over what you may have heard many times removed from its questionable source.

    in reply to: Is smoking mutar? #954597
    REALIST
    Member

    Bochur,

    Consider amending your moniker to ‘Bochur612’.

    And from there, it’s a slippery slope…

    in reply to: Went missing?? HUH??? #865347
    REALIST
    Member

    Haifa,

    I’m older than you think.

    I’m younger than I feel.

    Old is actually a frame of mind.

    I think and act young.

    I know that 3 world theory, but…

    A. It is no longer applicable in today’s world.

    B. Third world referred then to unaligned or unaffilliated countries. Somehow the term morphed into referring to under-developed countries.

    In any case, it’s not an accurate term today, and as the Chief Enforcement Officer, go out and enforce!

    (BTW, I’m older than President Lincoln was when elected President)

    in reply to: Went missing?? HUH??? #865345
    REALIST
    Member

    BTGuy,

    Much fun has been made of this English language. But since we started down this path already, I’ve got two more points for you to ponder.

    1. Where are all the ‘second world countries?

    2. We use the expression “back and forth”.

    How are you expected to go back before going forth?!?

    (The Yiddish version of this expression is correct. ‘Heen un tzurick”)

    in reply to: Went missing?? HUH??? #865342
    REALIST
    Member

    So, BTGuy,

    Without legs, how do you suppose the milk ‘went bad’?

    How do you explain the robbery ‘going down’?

    And finally, how do you think people (a serious number of them!) are ‘going crazy’?

    in reply to: I'm BAACK…because Peerim is on the way! #849266
    REALIST
    Member

    Another reason we sing, “A GANTZ YUHR PEERIM!”.

    in reply to: I can't believe what President Obama and Sarkozy said about Netanyahu!! #824882
    REALIST
    Member

    With idiots like these…

    Who needs Wikileaks??

    in reply to: Sign the Rubashkin Petition #818668
    REALIST
    Member

    SHEDREADY IS STILL MIA!

    in reply to: Sign the Rubashkin Petition #818666
    REALIST
    Member

    23,419!!

    in reply to: Bonei Olam #834525
    REALIST
    Member

    They are a great org.

    But that said, I think the following statement taken off their website now is a fact not publicised previously. Judge for yourselves.

    “Sorry, this auction is now closed – For a list of winners click here. An “exclusive” selection of prizes will be drawn the night of Lakewood Auction. The remainder of prizes will be drawn on Nov. 23 at Boro Park Auction.”

    The last line about waiting till November…

    in reply to: Sign the Rubashkin Petition #818636
    REALIST
    Member

    SHEDREADY, the silence is deafening!!

    in reply to: Sign the Rubashkin Petition #818632
    REALIST
    Member

    DONE!

    THANX.

    IF SHEDREADY WRITES THAT HE SIGNED THE PETITION I WILL GIVE A VERY NICE AMOUNT TO TZEDOKO!

    in reply to: How are you noheg #811915
    REALIST
    Member

    deiyezooger

    YOU MISSED THE BOAT!

    WE’RE TALKING ABOUT THE TOP OR BOTTOM CHALLA.

    NOT THE TOP OR BOTTOM OF THE CHALLA.

    in reply to: A Humorous Item #1173804
    REALIST
    Member

    littleapple, wise guy! eh?

    Q. What’s the result of smokin’ too much?

    A. Coffin!!!

    Your turn…

    in reply to: Naval B'Rishus HaTorah #811500
    REALIST
    Member

    Thanx, Gavra.

    A Gut Yohr 2 U & Urs. And 2 E/O in the CR community.

    in reply to: A Humorous Item #1173801
    REALIST
    Member

    LITTLEAPPLE, I THINK SHE SUCCEEDED!

    in reply to: A Humorous Item #1173798
    REALIST
    Member

    Hope some of you are old enuff to get this.

    What do Maxwell House and skydiving have in common?

    Both are good till the last drop!

    in reply to: Do They Know Too Much? #811452
    REALIST
    Member

    As a property manager of a frum developement I walked into an apartment with my Mexican super to do some work.

    On the wall is a picture of Reb Shaya’le Kerestirer.

    This goy looks at it and says to me,

    “I no believe dis lady have mouses”!!!!!

    You tell me. Do they know too much?

    in reply to: Naval B'Rishus HaTorah #811496
    REALIST
    Member

    Toi:

    Is that short for Toi-eh?

    Platonic relationships are most certainly NOT birshus Hatorah!

    in reply to: A Humorous Item #1173797
    REALIST
    Member

    Can someone please explain this to me?

    I just noticed that my ‘age-defying!’ wrinkle removing cream has an expiration date!!@!!!

    in reply to: why is texting wrong #811186
    REALIST
    Member

    Toi:

    How about, “Mommy, what can I do for you bein has’dorim?”

    REALIST
    Member

    Midwesterner:

    Excellent!

    in reply to: Havdalah – Putting Wine on Your Eyes and in Your Pocket #808290
    REALIST
    Member

    My (not to be taken seriously) kasha is:

    Why are we putting the wine in our Shabbosdike clothing?

    If we’re doing it for parnassa, it should be put in our work pants!

    in reply to: Do They Know Too Much? #811448
    REALIST
    Member

    “only someone who went there would know what those initials stand for.”

    WELL, I CERTAINLY DIDN’T ATTEND.

    I WOULDN’T HAVE BEEN ADMITTED BECAUSE OF THE ‘O’ IN YOUR ACRONYM.

    AND OLLIE’S A GOOD GUY, (FOR A MUSLIM).

    PLANTED NICE FLOWERS IN FRONT TOO!

    (SO MUCH FOR YOUR SECRET!)

    in reply to: Where were You….. #763967
    REALIST
    Member

    I’m in trouble!

    I don’t have an alibi…

    in reply to: good sayings/quotes anyone?!?!?! #771748
    REALIST
    Member

    Li’l Sally, How ’bout this…

    “I MAY BE SCHIZOPHRENIC,

    BUT AT LEAST I HAVE EACH OTHER.”

    in reply to: good sayings/quotes anyone?!?!?! #771744
    REALIST
    Member

    Best one I ever heard:

    “KILLING TIME ISN’T MURDER;

    IT’S SUICIDE”

    in reply to: Leftover chulent? #915910
    REALIST
    Member

    ilovetohock

    YOU LOVE TO HOCK

    TOO BAD YOU DON’T LOVE TO READ!

    THE JOKE WAS POSTED ALREADY

    28 HOURS BEFORE YOU.

    in reply to: Leftover chulent? #915897
    REALIST
    Member

    Q. What’s the difference between a bochur and a yingerman?

    A. A bochur eats chulent Thursday, Friday, and Shabbos.

    A yingerman eats it on Shabbos, Sunday, and Monday!

    in reply to: This week's Yated Shidduch Forum… #722895
    REALIST
    Member

    Girls,

    Why don’t you have the same beef with seminary application fees of $500.00! You know you’ll go to only one seminary, just as only one shadchan will be yours!

    in reply to: Why type of car do you have? #714238
    REALIST
    Member

    1988 Town Car;

    and I luv it!

    in reply to: Asara B'Teves on a Friday?! #993848
    REALIST
    Member

    EXACTLY 10 YEARS AGO.

    in reply to: Common Mistakes In Davening #1150256
    REALIST
    Member

    WOLF,

    You may have a point there.

    I wonder why I’m thinking of doughnuts now…

    in reply to: Common Mistakes In Davening #1150250
    REALIST
    Member

    WOLF,

    The ‘dikduk’ative term for this is a PATACH GENUVA.

    It applies to the letters ayin, ches, & hay b’sof hamila,

    with a patach.

    Common examples are Mizbeach, Noach, Sheyismamay-AH in Ani Maamin, and, (of course, the most commonly mispronounced one) Meelifney Elo-AH Yaakov in Hallel.

    in reply to: YWN Radio – Your Feedback? #702145
    REALIST
    Member

    Just wondering why YW Radio constantly lists Amit Listvand as the song next up, but he never plays.

    in reply to: A Humorous Item #1171672
    REALIST
    Member

    Several women appeared in court, each accusing the others of

    causing the trouble they were having in the apartment

    building where they lived.

    The women were arguing noisily even in the court.

    The judge, banging his gavel to quiet them, said, “We are

    going to do this in an orderly manner. I can’t listen to all

    of you at once. I’ll hear the oldest first.”

    The case was dismissed for lack of testimony!

Viewing 50 posts - 51 through 100 (of 114 total)