raq120

I just want to start out by saying that I registered in order to be able to answer this question! I sporadically go on this website and I happened to have glanced at the coffee room table thingy and saw this and said I MUST answer this post.

I think of the hardest things for a child is to learn that their parent is not perfect. This tends to lead to rebellion and also feelings of dislike towards the parent. This also happens when what we hold dearest turns out to be flawed.

The Jewish/Frum community IS flawed. There are things, like you mentioned that are true. I remember what broke my heart was when the reality of the sinas chinam that I saw in Israel became clear(when I went back as madricha this past year in a seminary–I took a semester off in college). I felt that the more religious world which is meant to separate themselves from the physical has become so focused on the outside! it doesn’t matter if you are religious, as long as you look it. This issue is very complex and its seen a lot in beis yaakovs and its one of the things I hope to do when I BS”D enhance the jewish education system.

But I realized that yes, this is part of the system and its unfortunate but that’s not me. And they do not negate the entire beauty of Judaism.

About you comment on learning vs working. When I was in HS I had thought that the highest level was to marry a kollel guy. But then you start to think for yourself and the whole system is kind of build to fail. Even if there are first parents to support the couple–what will happen to the children? to the next generation? A man’s role is support for his wife. We live in a physical world and that does not mean that its either work or learn. We learn Torah so that we can live it. Do not feel like that’s the attitude everywhere–because its certainly not amongst my group of friends. Kollel and learning for a while is nice and its beautiful–but its not realistic.

I don’t think there is anyone to “blame” because nothing is a mistake–its a learning experience. The fact that you are even writing this and that you said that you WANT to want to be frum–that in itself shows your core.

I know that there is a lot of stigma to divorced guys. I remember the first time I got offered to go out with a divorced guy and I was 18 then and I was completely in shock that anyone would even suggest that–something HAD to be wrong. A year later someone suggested the same person again and I decided to look into it. The circumstances of his marriage were different than yours (no one told him his wife was on psychotic medication and had real psychological issues). I am so happy that I went out of with him, even though he wasn’t for me, because he was truly a special person. I realized that things are not to be judged so easily and that every circumstance is more complicated than a simple glance can tell you. So don’t feel like just because you are divorced, no “good girls” will date you. Yes, there is a stigma (think of it if when you were single someone wanted to set you up with a divorced girl) but the kind of girl that is for you and you would want, will accept it.

I think instead of trying to be frum–just try to connect to Hashem. Build that relationship. I once heard that the first letter of the torah is a “bet” and the last is a “lamed” because the key to the Torah is your heart. What Hashem wants most is “bilvolvi mishkan ebne”—to build a sanctuary in your heart.

Just talk to Hashem. I don’t know if you have ever done this but write a letter to G-d. Just put music that inspires you or just that relaxes you and just pour your heart out. Every emotion that you have felt–everything that has happened let it out.

Nothing is a mistake. It’s all a learning experience. Everything you have lived and gone through has shaped who you are today. It will make you will be. You mentioned that you were involved with NCSY—perhaps Hashem is giving you a first hand experience so that in the future (when you find your way back, because I don’t doubt that you will) you will be able to use all of this to help others.

I hope that this has helped and I’m sorry if its long!

All the best,

Raq

p.s. I didn’t really get your comment on “women are not to be trusted”—I take offense to that! lol, what do you mean?