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Kol Hakavod hilary18-It is always encouraging to hear how people go to their Rov for hadrocha. A talmid chochom and daas Torah is such a brocha-especially in the parsha of shidduchim.
May you be zoche to go through the process quickly and pleasantly, and have many simchos to celebrate.
350 million users. WOW. That is a lot of people potentially being able to read information that just might not be for everyone.
Surely the technology that has been created up until Facebook materialized, could provide us Yidden, an Am Kadosh, a separate nation, the means by which we can communicate with those that we need to, without us needing Facebook
I’m still for refraining from using this tool, even though there are going to be more securities, and privacy measures being set.
thank you for this beautiful chizuk….I’d love to read more.
I’m against the boys seeing pictures before they go out. Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder, and it is very subjective. Therefore, to make that judgement based on a picture is not being fair to both the bochur and the girl.
If it were my daughter, I would say no to a bochur who wants to see her picture first. I understand that there are some bochurim who have been “burned”, when people told them “oh, she’s sooo pretty” etc. But too bad. In the circles that I am in, this is not something I would consider as ok. I would want him to ask about her middos, personality, hashkofa, ideals, and goals in life, and see if those things seem to be compatible, before deciding on going out.
I highly doubt that one photo could give all the information they need–even what they really look like.
Hatzlocha to your daughter, and may the process of shidduchim be pleasant and short for both of you.
I think it is crucial for you to have a woman mentor, and a Rov you can speak to. Your mother is very emotionally invested, and it seems to cloud her ability to be able to face shidduchim without worrying. That can get in the way of making level headed decisions, and be supportive to you and your needs. Speaking to a Rov and mentor is not loshon hora when you are going for hadrocha. They can also help you with the way you communicate with your mother so that maybe it will balance the mood and you’ll be able to make good decisions, and reach out to other people who will understand you and help you in this parsha.
I strongly suggest you network with people that are going to understand you and what you are looking for. It can lead to burnout if you keep going to people who are not going to take the time to understand what it is you are truly looking for.
Much hatzlocha-and as others have said, keep davening to the Ribono Shel Olam-He the One that is mizaveg zivugim all day, and knows what it is you truly need.
Obviously HKB”H wants both, because they both exist. It is the yiras shomayim that is not biday shomayim, and that is up to each individual.
Ain Habrocha shoreh ela mah shesosum min ho’ayin……..
Mah Tovu Ohalecha Yaakov…..
Hatznay’a leches im Elokecha…….
I also heard Rabbi Wallerstein blast facebook. I’m not exactly sure how each of these things work, but someone who has an account told me it’s scary when people they don’t know, know so much about them, and I think they were going to take themselves off.
The Vilna Gaon addresses this exact question. He explains that Yaakov Avinu married Rochel because of her fine character, and that she would be able to bear children that would fulfill Hashem’s wishes. Her beauty was praiseworthy because she was an “Isha Yiras Hashem”, and that is the kind of beauty that the Torah extolls–meaning her natural physical beauty was praised because she had yiras shomayim.
The gemara in Taanis also talks about how Abba Chilkya’s wife would greet him “all made up”, because it helps a husband stay focused (on his avodas Hashem). So. there is merit to physical beauty.
Beauty is praiseworthy as long within the definition of what Torah values as beauty which has many dimensions connected to each other. This is what Yaakov avinu saw in Rochel.
The essence of music is intrisically ruchniyus (many midroshim and meforshim discuss this–i.e. Mizmor L’Dovid, L’Dovid Mizmor etc.). It can help bring one to the heights of d’vaykus to HKB”H, or R”L the opposite. There are those neshomos that are particularly sensitive to music and it’s powers, and each individual should be aware of which kind of music has a positive or negative effect on them. That being said, I heard many years ago two interesting points in a shiur about music: 1)The music itself absorbs the intentions of the composer, and will in turn have an effect on the listener–(I wish I could remember sources quoted…..) 2)All positive ruchniyus/Jewish music was created at Ma’mad Har Sinai and was stored away to later be retrieved by the neshomos that would come into the world to bring them down and have the effect that HKB”H wants it to. Just some musical food for thought.
It would bother me if a Jewish/Frum establishment chose to play non-Jewish music–there is a choice, but since I’m not the owner/proprietor then I could just make a friendly suggestion.
It seemed to me that the topic here was a wife’s obligation towards her husband and kid’s–when the husband is working and providing for the family. It didn’t imply that the husband doesn’t have similar obligations. He has a kesuva to fulfill, and the gemora does talk about the obligations of wife and husband to each other.
In order for the home to be built as one that the Shechina would dwell in, it is important for both the husband and wife to know what Hashem expects of them.
Lesschumras, klal yisroel is still here despite the Crusaders, Cossacks, pogroms etc. So the learning that we did do, the Torah that all those sacrificed for, did protect us. Torah true Jews believe, b’emunah sh’leima, that Talmud Torah K’neged Kulom–we say it every morning and I’m sure we believe it too.
A woman’s obligation to her husband is too learn what his essence is and what his neshama really desires and help build him into that person. That is why women are blessed with bina–the root being “boneh” she has the capabilities to help build him.
The same goes for her children. She learns their ma’alos and chisronos, and guides and builds them to be the best they can be. Through this she too will be built and their home will be mekadesh shem shomayim.
She should also take the time to eat together with her husband.
And of course all the above regarding keeping home clean, herself clean and attractive. Clean can also mean kadosh.
oomis1105-Your Grandmother may not have formally learned out of a sefer, but she definitly learned Torah experiantially-and by living it. That’s how most women learned that which they needed to for centuries in order to preserve klal yisroel-and until the Bais Yaakov movement.
If someone is not educated with authentic Torah values then their perception of “Orthodox” Jews can not be accurate, because they are not taking an honest look into what it means to be a a Torah true Jew. If these people who voice their disdain about Orthodox Jews would spend a full week in a frum ehrliche yid’s home, they surely would walk away amazed at how we conduct our lives. It’s a lot easier, and much less guilt ridden to not look at what is emes, and to judge Torah Judaism by those who they wish to judge and not on the Torah’s terms. If they would, it would obligate them, get to their essence and conscience and that would be too overwhelming.
If this girl whose tire was fixed is the “use a shadchon” type for her dating experiences then why did she agree to go out for a schmooze with him—then is would make sense that she would say, I don’t date like this, I’ll be happy to get a shadchon involved and we can go from there?
As long as she is not berating you, or putting you down for not taking her advice, I would agree with a lot of the posters. Thank her for the advice, and then do what you and your husband feel is the responsible decision for your family. If it gets to the point where it is invasive and disrupting your own shalom bayis, then you may need to filter out what she’s saying with different listening ears. It sounds though that she means well.
Another idea that was posed, is to sometimes beat her to it, and ask her for her advice on things that you’re neutral on. You can still take it or leave it, but she’ll feel included, and will feel less of a need to constantly be giving the unsolicited version.
The mesilas yeshorim says that the role of a person is to get pleasure from this world–one must learn the mesilas yeshorim in depth to understand it’s true meaning.
Why not speak to his mashgiach, or rebbe? Yeshivos appreciate the joint efforts of parents and mechanchim at all levels.
All of this hishtadlus sounds great—proper davening for singles is what will get it to work. When we show areivus, rachamei shomayim are ignited and yeshuos are sent forth.
There was a story with R’ Yochanan Ben Zakai and a Queen who asked him “What does your Hashem do a whole day?” He replied “makes shidduchim”. The queen didn’t think that was so hard, and she paired 1000 males and females together and told them to get married. They did and came back a couple of days later bruised and disraught and told her “this isn’t working”.
The Queen then admitted that it is a job only for Hashem.
I recall reading this from a small sefer on bitochon and hishtadlus.
As humans, wouldn’t it be a better solution to the shidduch crisis if each individual take on one single to daven for wholeheartedly, every day, from the depths of our neshamos, and daven as if they were our own child? I imagine it would have a much greater effect in shomayim where The Ribono Shel Olam, who is the orchestrator of all shidduchim, will shower His brochos and yeshuos to all those who need to find their zivug.
It took me while to come to a real understanding of where appreciation leads us. I was always very particular to thank anyone who helped me in any way, but I wanted to understand the depth of being makir tov. What I came to realize is that when you are able to appreciate anything that someone does for you (even if you pay for it) then life is filled with menuchas hanefesh. One realizes all the good HKB”H does, even in hard times.
Thank you cards, small little gifts, returning a favor are all great ways to show appreciation–a personal phone call of thanks is still at the top of my list.