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Well, I’m not sure why my last line was edited, but I will re-phrase it this way: I think it would give a boost to all those singles in shidduchim if everyone that wanted to be involved in shidduchim would take it as seriously as the mitzvah warrants. First and foremost the feelings of the singles involved, and give it the depth it deserves.
Maybe instead of the boys mother getting her handwriting analyzed, she should just……..meet the girl? Many times the mother of the chosson meets her son’s kallah right before or even at the l’chayim. So, maybe it would be (out of the box) a good idea for her to meet the girl somehow and get an opportunity to use her bina yesaira that way.
I think it’s important for anyone in shidduchim, no matter their age, to connect and find genuine, altruistic shadchonim that are interested in being involved totally l’shem shomayim. It cuts out all the narishkeit, and will save a lot of painful feelings.
EDITED
It’s just not comprehensible that we, a Memleches Kohanim V’Goi Kadosh, could stoop to such shallowness as to a label like this.
We have more self worth then this. We are each a tzelem elokim–this should not be tolerated by anyone, even those that may take pride in it’s meaning. And I, for better or worse, don’t find this cute–it’s pathetic.
hereorthere–a very prominent Torah teacher once told someone who suffered immensely in their life–“if you can find one thing to thank Hashem for every day, and focus on it for a little bit, it should help alleviate the pain of the suffering somewhat”.
Sometimes it takes years to understand what the suffering was about–until then to find something to be grateful for gives hope even in the darkest of situations. Good luck. My screen name is what I strive for–not always successfully but that’s the goal.
Hanistaros LaHashem Elokeinu……
What is the origin of this label? Why Tuna Bagel as opposed to anything else? It is hurtful to be mikabel that shidduchim can be so one dimensional (i.e. levush, macher, blackberry, cool haircut etc.)
When I red and deal with shidduchim the lingo that I’m involved with is:
Ehrlich, Ben/Bas Torah, refined, dignified, ba’al/ba’alas middos, balanced, bright, sensible, goal oriented, kind, giving, thought out, spiritual etc. etc.
Reminds me of the story of a Rov who was soliciting tzedaka from a wealthy Yid, and was refused entry to his home based on his mediocre levush. The Rov returned days later dressed exquisitely. He was granted entrace. When offered to sit down to a meal with the Ba’al habayis, he proceeded to put the food, very obviously, in his pockets. The gevir asked shockingly why the Rov was doing such a thing? The Rov responded “clearly it is my outer appearance that you respect”, “not the person that is wearing them”. “So, you are feeding my clothing, not me.”
There are some popular shadchonim out there who charge a fee upfront. For a shadchon to say it after the fact I think may be out of line. Maybe even a choshen mishpat shaila.
I’m curious to know–are there chassanim and kallahs (current and past) that prefer/preferred not only the instrumental music be beautiful and inspiring, but the words to the song as well? Wouldn’t it uplift such a moment of intense tefillah and bakosha?
tamazaball- you really made me laugh when you addressed your post to “hashem”. I guess that would make it into the “most uncommon frum names” thread.
I find it interesting for a principal to do such a thing. Is it shayoch that he can’t find out all the information he needs without consulting older talimidim?
Moshiach.
I don’t know if it is a popular song to walk down to at wedding, but no doubt it is a beautiful song, with a heartfelt melody. The question I would ask: is the melody the only important part of walking down to a song, or are the words that go with it something one is looking for as well, and can be a source of inspiration simultaneously?
I think a principal has a chiyuv to follow through with the rules of the school. If he won’t follow through, then why would the students follow the rules?
A very sad joke that was told by a kiruv rabbi– (don’t meant to start controversy)
A non-Torah clergy had a mouse problem. Went to three of his members and said–can you give me advice on how to get rid of them? One said, be kind and nice, and shower them with compliments. Didn’t work. Second one said, feed them–just feed them tons of good food, and then they’ll leave. Didn’t work. Third one said, “Gather them into the sanctuary and give them all a Bar Mitzvah.” They all left the next day.
I agree with ronrsr. In fact on the contracts of some bands, the ba’al simcha can check off how loud they want the music.
Music is meant to be listened to and enjoyed, and lead to being inspired–not digested by every pore in the body.
I have been to numerous chasunahs where it is very clear that the ba’al simcha wanted there to be healthy level of sound, and the dancing was so geshmak!
If you say hello to the person right next to you that you’re dancing with in the circle, and they say “what did you say?”–then the music is definitely too loud. And unenjoyable. Either that, or the other person was smart and wearing ear plugs–something more adults are doing at chasunahs.
I think everyone needs to do what works for them. Everyone has different standards based on the way they decided to live their life.
The issue I have is that they initially said yes, and since checking out the other family is a priority to them, then they did not do a good job—that probably raises a whole slew of other issues.
If a person wants to be a certain way, and has given it genuine thought, and has da’as Torah backing them up, then be that way–but be consistant, and do it with yashrus.
I don’t think any of us within the confines of our human minds could actually come up with who is the JEW of the decade. It is probably someone who has done incredible acts of mesiras nefesh that none of us, only Hashem, knows about.
That being said, I think it would be an impossible award to give out. YIDDEN? Each one of us is a part of a whole….we’re so different and unique and special compared to the rest of the world, it’s just not shayoch to even comprehend because we’re all so interconnected, and work together in such special ways, no matter how different and divided we are.
I’m having a very hard time understanding the purpose of what the discussion/panel was about.
Some are saying, that since this is likened to a “sickness”, we should have empathy for what they are struggling with. It was mentioned in a post that if someone has mental illness, we should learn to empathize. I imagine that is only if others are not hurt in the process. Only if the person aware of the challenges they are personally facing has no negative consequence to anyone else.
I just don’t understand why everyone needs to know in a very public way, what these people are going through. What tachlis does it serve to the hamon am? Exactly what kind of empathy are they looking for, or do they need? Would it be more productive if they sought hadracha in a more personal, quiet way, and got the empathy they needed from the appropriate people, to help them through their struggle? I ask these questions because I truly don’t understand.
This will probably resonate with grandchildren of survivors:
When I was very little, I would ask my Bubby a”h to wash the numbers off on her arm—she was so clean, and always in the kitchen—took me a while to realize they were there forever.
Always had a freezer full of food and tons of guests. No one ever left hungry. Her emunah was incredible–“Everything is from the Heilige Bashefer” was always on her lips as were kapitlach of tehillim.
Zaidy zt”l suffered as much as Bubby did in the camps. Incredibly, he always had a smile on his face, and loved a good laugh. His shabbos table was regal and inspiring, and his zemiros had a mixture of beauty and history. He loved to do mitzvos–he always got excited to light chanukah licht, build the sukkah etc.– always praised HKB”H that He kept him alive to be able to be an Eved Hashem.
They were B”H zoche to see (bli ayin hora), many great-grandchildren.
I second that bein_hasdorim—staying positive is the way to successfully attempt to solve any problem. It also helps in davening for much needed siyata dishmaya. We must try and do what we can, and then realize the end result is in Hashem’s hands (which is so emancipating).
I’m looking forward to hearing the recorded version.
After listening to the many piece band that performed in Caesaria, I didn’t realize how powerful so many violins at once could be. The music was superb-and arranged beautifully. Very inspiring to listen to.
Unfortunately, not all parents have learned how to communicate effectively with their children–If their child is in shidduchim and is afraid to communicate what is their own sincere wish for the future, that shows a lack of many years of working on lines of communication.
It is naive for people to think that all parents can wake up one day and realize “oh, my child is an adult now and is going to make adult decisions, and we as parents have an achrayus to be supportive”. That takes years of investing in ones child altruistically.
Especially when it comes to shidduchim, years of hard work and open lines of sharing and communication should already be in place.
I think the last line “until I love me too” is really sad.
I do think though that there are people that love themselves that still need a paintbrush. Not everything about oneself is meant for everyone.
Chops, very well said.
CHEERFUL–I’m with happyOOTer–please, go to a mentor, or someone who you confide in, who will be there for you, and is not nogeia b’davar. Someone who will be a support system, and will not judge the choices you want to make. Then they can help you have the courage to communicate, in slow increments that which you need to, in order to have your parents slowly come onto your page.
I don’t know your parents, but if we are assuming that they are balanced people, and are capable of altruism, then, although the process might be tough, eventually they will come around and be supportive. If they aren’t the “balanced type”, and make you fear sharing your true feeling, then a mentor and rov are the ones who can guide you in how to make the right decisions for yourself, and help you attempt to make your parents feel like they are being included.
Hashem has given you “gut feelings”, a cheshek for what you want for the future and the kind of home you want to build. These feelings should be taken seriously, because who you marry is one of the most important decisions you will make in your life.
I’m curious to know if Dovid and Stranded (I sure hope her next name is going to be Engaged)are following their life story here in the coffee room. If so, good luck to you both and hope your dating career is a short one (no matter who you both end up marrying).
CHEERFUL, ask your parents/friends whoever is “pressuring” you to make certain choices a question that you want them to answer honestly, with no “but…” as part of the answer. The question is this: “Do you want me to make a choice that will make ME happy?” Once they say yes, then say “good—do you trust that I can make good decisions for myself?” When they say yes, then say, “excellent, that is what I plan on doing when trying to find the person that I (emphasis on I) will be living with for the rest of my life, and I need your support on this. It will make an already difficult process much easier, and you will be doing a tremendous mitzvah by being the supportive role that I need. And, you will get tremendous nachas from me too.”
Give it a try and let us know how the conversation goes….I’d keep the dating details to yourself though—-seems like we have enough entertainment here with Dovid and Stranded.
I’m with thinking jew. That was the first song that came to mind, and no matter when I hear it, it brings tears to my eyes.
I guess because it brings on the reality of how deep of a galus we’re in and the belief that there is going to be a geulah soon, produces tears of mixed feelings.
The music/tune is something special and with Shwekey’s instrument-like voice, it hits you straight in the heart.
I have a few others that come in close: Ana Hashem-Shlomo Carlebach, Forever One-Avraham Fried, English Shema Yisroel-Shwekey
Listen to Rabbi Orlofsky’s tape on platonic relationships. Gives a straight forward, Torahdik, emesdik view on these topics.
Kol HaKavod happiest. HKB”H should give you the koach to deal with this in the most beneficial way possible for you personally and all those who are a part of your life.
May we be zoche to greet Moshiach to not only see a time that these illnesses are obliterated, but to see HKB”H pain free also. To know that Hashem shares in klal yisroel’s tzaar (personal too) is sometimes comforting.
One of the greatest gifts a parent can give their child is to teach them how to love themselves, a healthy self esteem, and the ultimate feeling that Hashem truly loves them. That is something that is priceless.
It’s an arduous journey for an adult to try to learn to love themselves. Working on seeing that Hashem truly loves us, is one way to get there. Easier said than done.
The more kedusha there is, the more tumah that comes….
So, although I may be puposely be saying this naively, it is good to know that there is so much kedusha being brought into the world.
I do hope and daven that we will never have to explain to our children the disgusting possiblity of what a toeiva marriage is chas v’shalom, or that it chalila be recognized as “normal”. If this is going to pass in society, then so will the possibility of people marrying their animals….oy Hashem Yishmor…we need to get out of this golus not just for our sake, but mostly for Hashem’s–we must daven for the geula for Hashem’s sake–can we even fathom Hashem’s pain when He sees how low humans are going again?