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oomis: Nice! (Are you a rebitzen? I’m asking seriously.) “
Nope. But thank you, I wish I were worthy of the title.
Why do you ask?
Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. ALL R”H and Shabbos, all day every day, the phone rang incessantly. I have a young relative who is extremely ill, and every time the phone rings, I jump out of my skin. I can’t leave it off the hook, either. The only option is to listen to the phone ring (no turn off the ringer option). I finally answered one of the calls yesterday and got a live person. I told her that my vote is private and I would never tell someone on the phone for whom I plan to vote. She hung up really quickly.
Maybe he was thinking it is like the Hellenistic “Gymnasione” and therefore smacks of body worship. Lifting weights to keep in shape, stay healthy, and fit, is not the same thing as Avoda Zara. ANYTHING done to excess, is assur. But hitting the gym once a day for 45 minutes or so, (while not sacrificing one’s learning), is good for the body, if not the wallet. You should ask your rov why he feels that way, and upon what Halacha his opinion is based.
If it is a woman flouting the halacha (and btw, men might dress inappropriately for Shul, also), ONLY another woman, preferably the rebbetzin, should speak to the woman involved PRIVATELY, and in a really nice, hopefull non-judgmental way. “I am not telling you how to dress outside these walls, but when you come to Shul, you can best show Kovod for the Torah, for the Mikdash M’at, for the other mispallelim, and most of all, for YOURSELF, when you dress properly. By not exposing your neckline, knees or elbows, or wearing things that are otherwise just not appropriate for Shul, you are enhancing the kedusha of the Shul, and elevating the davening to a higher spiritual level. Please think about that when you dress for Shul next time. We love to have you daven with us.” If that sounds too hokey, then pick your own expressions, but you get the idea.
Redleg, that’s what the OP was asking about. I never heard of it, either.
You shouldn’t. If you want someone to be less involved in your life, then just don’t be available. But don’t be obnoxious about it, either. You should never burn a bridge behind you. This person’s child could be redt to your own, someday.
I invited a couple over for both evening meals of R”H, along with their daughter. They were otherwise alone for yom tov, had just made a wedding, and the mom was feeling very stressed over the thougth of preparing for the yomim tovim. We had a wonderful time and ate full courses with most of the R”H simanim incorporated into the meal.
The two day lunches were great but light, and without company. My daughter made tacos and salad, and we had some kugel and honey cake. Erev Shabbos we had cold poached salmon and salad. Friday night was a regular Shabbos meal of the delicious leftovers, minus soup (the soup is a really filling course, to begin with, so we just omitted it). I had two families over for lunch, which was gefilte fish, cholent, rice, kugel and chicken, plus fruit and honey cake or blueberry cake for dessert. We ate a lot, but not everyone ate everything, and having light lunches really helped.
It was fine. The hardest part was I made egg-free challah for the first time, and it came out SO yummy, people were eating challah all evening and I had to remind them there was actually food to eat.
Having said that, however, there isn’t anything wrong with taking an occasional nightcap and you don’t even need an excuse for it. “
We do not disagree on that, but that is NOT the subject of this particular thread. The OP commented that there apparently is a “minhag” by some guys to drink until they fall asleep, after a bad date. That is nowhere NEAR the same ballpark as taking an occasional nightcap (not nightcapS). A guy who feels the need and actually has “the minhag” to drink to oblivion just because he had a bad date (and we are NOT talking about breaking up after “dating for months” – that was not the OP’s comment), has a potential drinking problem in the making. What’s next – he had a bad day at work, didn’t get the subway in time, had a bad hair day? Some guys will look for ANY excuse to get into a drunken stupor, and perhaps that started with such a minhag. Alcohol is meant to be something that we can enjoy in moderation. What is being mentioned here, hardly fits that description.
Partners in Torah is a wonderful organization. Try to get to Shabbat Across America.
Bekitzur – refuah shelaima. I believe firmly in chiropractic. I especially appreciate that it is drug-free care. Not all people can be helped (just as with conventional medical care, btw), but so many are.
Although I believe strongly that we do not know from whence cometh our zivugim, in this case I would be a little more inclined to err on the side of caution, and try to get to know the random stranger better (or at least try to find out about him/her). If I were single, I would not give my contact info out to strangers, unless it were within the framework of a shidduch event. And even then, with caution.
My nephew married the wonderful girl his best friend dated for several weeks and realized was not for HIM but perfect for my nephew. She was, and is, and it is a wonderful thing. I guarantee you know this boy’s personality much better than any shadchan, at this point, and can tell your friend honestly that although you liked him very much, certainly enough to want to see him with your friend, the chemistry wasn’t there for you. We might meet many people in life whom we would like very much, but not want to MARRY them! It could be even a small thing, like he is outdoorsy, and you prefer to sit in and read. Some perfectly lovely people are just better-suited to other people than to each other.
Waste no time, if it is shayach, and if you are certain he is not hurt by your deciding to no longer date him. If the break up was sad for him, he might feel worse (I wasn’t good enough for you, but I’m ok for your friend????) If it was a mutual decision, it would be a lovely chessed to set him up with someone you care about. Perhaps you can redt it through someone, but you can certainly talk to him or his family about the girl. Hope you find your bashert very soon.
My daughter had just heard about tix for around $500, but she couldn’t get into the site.
Redleg, I think you are correct, and your wife gets annoyed about that, because it feels like you are not paying attention to what she is saying.
topknot yeshivish
Oomis, I don’t know you and what you went through, but “spar[ing] them from pain” is only a valid rationale if all things considered they wouldn’t want to know. Most times I have heard people use that excuse it is to spare their own discomfort.
Bottom line: the fact that you are pregnant is good news. Withholding good news is selfish without a good reason. Most reasons I’ve heard both here and generally are not good reasons. Share it happily (to those that’d be made happy)! And if c”v there’s a miscarriage, you’ll have support. There’s nothing wrong with that!”
I think you may have misunderstood my post, or I, yours. This happened over thirty years ago. And it ironically caused GREAT pain to my dear in-laws (and to my parents) that they would not have had to experience, had I even waited one more minute to tell them the good news, because by then I would have already recognized the signs of a potential miscarriage, and I would have held off saying anything at the time. Nothing selfish about that.
Good news IS meant to be shared, but some types of good news need to percolate for a while, to be sure no one is jumping the gun.
(Just as an aside, when you write topknot Yeshivish, is that meant to be a pun on the expression “topNOTCH” Yeshivish?)
Thank you, The-art-of-moi. It happened a long time ago, and had it not, I wouldn’t have had my eldest daughter, who was born early the next year. Hashem Makes His Cheshbonos. I am content.
At first, I told my parents and in-laws by the second month, but no one else until well after the first trimester was over. Sadly and ironically, the very moment I told my in-laws (on Chanukah) that we were expecting our second child, within literally 30 seconds, I had begun to realize I was miscarrying. Had I only waited another minute, I would never have told them and could have spared them the pain. After that experience I waited until after the first trimester for parents, and when I was showing, for everyone else.
“Dead eyes” usually refers to someone with no discernible affect or emotion. It has a negative connotation, that the person is non-responsive, cold, uncaring. Sociopaths often are described this way. It IS creepy…
Maybe you were just zoning out for a moment.
Nisht – I think I was careful in my wording, however you might possibly have a point. But I also heard the pain of a Jewish child, and that tends to blind me to the unknown “other side.” So I will amend what I said earlier, to say, IF someone were to do that to a child, with no just cause, and not even allow the child to defend him/herself, I would not want that school’s hashkafa being imparted to my children, and the child so treated will have dodged a bullet, IMO.
Yes, some of our discussion threads have been excerpted there. And the artist with whose music you grew up (and which to this day I still sing), IS the same CY. I LOVE that magazine (giving you a free plug, here, CY!), as it is so filled with terrific content, both serious and humorous.
A city slicker with the heart of a country boy. A little sophistication is a GOOD thing, but it needs to be tempered with some down to earthiness. Why does one have to be one OR the other?
ICOT – beautiful words.
I try hard never to be offensive to anyone, as I believe respect is a two way street. Nevertheless, I am human and as such, might possibly have upset someone, albeit unintentionally. To that end, I am very sorry, if I hurt anyone’s feelings or embarrassed anyone. Likewise I am mocheles anyone who over the course of this year might have said anything that potentially was hurtful to me (though I cannot offhand recall such a thing). Lety’s go into R”H with lighter hearts and having made a real din v’cheshbon on our actions, and taken steps to correct the ones in need of correction.
A place that would listen to loshon hara, and not care about your side of the story, does not appear to have the type of hashkafa that I would want to impart to my own children. You may have dodged a bullet. There are many seminaries. Hatzlacha rabbah in finding one that is right for you.
Oomis, you want to change “yell” for “judge” — fine. But again there is a clear boundary as to where it applies. When you say:”he is not judgemental”, that goes with the Christian understanding of it. If someone goes and commits a brutal murder or rape, you would also not judge him? “
I am not the one who wants to change “yell” for judge. YOU want to change the word for “judge” to mean YELL. Yell is “L’tzok,” Judge is “ladoon.” If you know Hebrew, you know those words, and they sound nothing alike. Din, is the word for judgment,and we are not supposed to judge someone harshly without cause. OBVIOUSLY if someone is caught stealing, killing, raping, chas v’sholom, we have courts set up to JUDGE the person for his misdeeds, and they should first be judged, and THEN “yelled” at (punished). Those judgments are completely different, because they are judgments against a paradigm of good behavior that Hashem has already Given us in the Torah.
Judging someone harshly because they are wearing the “wrong” type of kippah, clothing, or eating food with a hechsher you do not accept, is the wrong type of judging. When we as Jews say not to be judgmental, we mean not to make a negative decision about someone else without a) having all the facts and b) facing similar circumstances ourselves, ebcause we never know how we will react in a situation until we face it. And that most assuredly IS A JEWISH CONCEPT that the non-Jews stole from us, and carried further (to a wrong conclusion) by saying one should turn the other cheek. Now THAT is not a Jewish concept. I am surprised at your insistence.
Of course it’s better before than after the wedding! After the wedding, the divorced kallah can never marry a Kohein. Are people so afraid of what “people” might say, that they would go through with a wedding only to get divorced?
LAB – good line!
Mod 73 LOL!!!!!
It’s interesting that the word bothers black people (but if it does, I would never use it.) It comes from Negro, which literally comes from the root word which means “black,” and in the South, where the black slaves were working the plantations, the Southerners’ pronunciation of “Negro” came out to be what we euphemistacally call “the N word.” It came into pejorative and exploitive use, I guess, but it is a benign word in and of itself. Nevertheless, we learn even in the Torah that we should not use nicknames for people (especially when they may cause pain to that person). Why they think “black” is any better, I do not know.
Really? People use chandeliers in their sukkah? Now I feel small.
Gavra – +1
Nisht… We get it, you are concerned about Kovod Hashem. I still believe you saw a mountain when we all saw a molehill.
ROB, are you regretful that you unintentionally and with no malice aforethought or derogation Chas v’Sholom of the R”BSO, used an expression that somehow led someone to misunderstand its meaning? I am sure you are, and will not use such an expression again. Now everyone calm down. It’s almost Rosh Hashana and there are REAL issues for which we all need to do teshuvah (including ascribing nefarious motives to innocent people).
The clothing is not Tznius-dik. Tznius-DIK! Why is it so hard for people to stop saying tznius when they mean to say tzniusdik? You are grammatically challenged, people!!!!!!!!! 🙁
nishdayngesheft – I really hope you were joking.
You cannot be implying that ROB was calling the Ribbono Shel Olom ridiculous. If so, you grievously err. I think most people ralized he meant that writing Hashem minus a letter, is silly. The name “Hashem” is already a kinui for the Shem that we only say in Tefilah or brachos.
Oomis, that mishnah does not imply you never judge anyone. It means: do not yell at someone who failed a big nisayon you never had. “
It also means that such a concept was already OURS before the non-Jews stole it. And the expression Al Tadin means do not judge, NOT do not yell at.
There’s no such thing as N’vuah today so comments like these are often a sign of mental illness. ‘
That is uncalled for. Chodesh Elul, too.
to all those who argue that “money will run dry” – I agree that “al pi teva” it does seem that way, but please realize that all money belongs to Our Father in heaven and He gives and He takes whether you work or not “
Dveykus with all due respect – you are admirably an eishes chayil and your husband is lucky to have you, but you are also being a little naive when you state what you did. None of us is privy to Hashem’s Cheshbonos. Hashem gives money to people who earn it. If they sit and do nothing all day, or if they sit and learn all day, if SOMEONE is not earning something to pay the bills, eventually they will starve. There is no money tree in my backyard, and I would think presumably not in yours, either.
We believe that our parnassah is decreed Rosh Hashanah time, but that does not exempt us from responsibility for our hishtadlus in earning it. Out zivugim are decreed before we are even born. But if a girl sits in her house and never goes out on a date, chances are highly unlikely her zivug will walk up to her door and say, “I’m your zivug, let’s get married!” Likewise, though one’s parnassah may in fact be a Gezairah, you have NO idea HOW that Gezairah is meant to be implemented. The only person who got a freebie in life was Odom Harishon, and look how he messed that up. When that happened, Hashem Said, “No more food stamps,” (or something like that.. you get the idea…).
I recommend that ALL young couples who have a similar hashkafa as Dveykus, should have a good shmuz with their Rov and ask him if the money will fall from the sky for them. They might be surprised by the answer.
As for being spiritually intact – well, it is easy to be a good Yid when you ONLY live in a Torah bubble. But that is NOT what Hashem Told us to do. Lo baShamayim Hee. We have to learn how to remain spiritually intact in this world, so that we are worthy of the Next One. That does not come from removing ourselves from the world around us, but rather by living in it in a way that makes it a better place. JMO.
On this note, I would like to say that my mother-in-law, O”H, who was not frum, was without doubt one of the kindedst most chessed-filled women I have known, except for my own mother O”H.
Her kibud av was so exemplary, we could all learn from her. As a young wife, she and my shver took in her parents to live with them and care for them until they died, nearly 20 years later. She likewise took in and took care of her mother-in-law until she died, and her sister with two children, when the sister became widowed at a young age, for a couple of years until she was on her feet again. All this was done without fanfare, and with much love. There was room for all, and if there wasn’t, they made room.
She had the most physically challenging existence for over 30 years, having had a massive stroke at age 40, which paralyzed her completely on one side and left her legally blind. The parts that were not paralyzed, were beset with severely crippling rheumatoid arthritis. Her pain was constant, she could do NOTHING for herself, not even feed herself when I met her. She suffered the tragedy of losing her first grandchild shortly before the child’s 12th birthday. But nonetheless, a sunnier, sweeter person would have been hard to find.
If anyone would ever suggest to me that she was being punished by Hashem because she was not shomer shabbos or for some other aveira, I would ask them when Hashem last Revealed Himself to them. I would also be extremely appalled.
OY Eclipse! I am so sorry. May you live a long and healthy life.
Anyone who puts the emphasis on the wrong things in shidduchim, is shallow or misguided, male or female. If the highest priority is “looks,” or financial matters, or what yeshivah/seminary was attended, there is something lacking. Yes, there needs to be attraction on some level, there needs to be a knowledge that finances will be manageable, there needs to be a love of Torah and chashivus to its being learned in some measure on a regular basis. But ALL those things can only be good in conjunction with seeing the person’s middos. ALL those things mean nothing, if the person’s middos are deficient. I don’t care how gorgeous/handsome/ rich/learned the people being redt are. If they have a lack of menschlechkeit, they are not good enough for my kids.
Oomis, not being judgemental is a Christian value, not a Jewish one. “
MDD, Oops, but I believe you are mistaken. Al tadin es chaveircha, ad shetagiyah limkomo.
It’s not davening. it’s a ceremony in which brachos are recited. The men and women sit separately, so there IS a mechitzah of sorts.
It’s called that because people are afraid to say the word CANCER, as if saying it makes it somehow contagious. A young, close relative of mine who has not even begun to live his life, has a terrible form of cancer that is resistant to treatment, quite rare in young adults, and the treatment protocols for it are horrendous. If all it took to not get cancer (and this one came out of left field) was to be kind to your fellow Jew and to non-Jews as well, not be judgmental, show chessed, do mitzvos, give tzedaka, be tzniusdig, learn Torah, and so on, this is a young man who would NEVER be sick with even a head cold. He has ALL those wonderful Middos, but when Hashem Makes a Gezairah, it stands. R”L, Tzaddikim get cancer, and reshoim can go their entire lives in the best of physical (if not spiritual) health. It is what it is, and I hope after 120 years we are zochim to understand why this is so.
Obstacle – ok, I get your answer.
rc, do you know what she is asking for the Bosch? If affordable (which so far it has not been), I can more easily get to the FT than to Lakewood.
CUTE! LevAryeh – any rejoinder?
There are only a few things that teachers DO need to know in advance of the school year: 1) If there is a personal issue at home that upsets the family dynamic and can affect the student, i.e. death or divorce, illness, etc., 2)If the child has any food allergies and how to use an epi-pen in an emergency, if the allergy is life-threatening 3) if there are SEVERE behavioral issues. Nothing else should bias the teacher’s thinking IMO.
Everyone is Hashem’s child, but not everyone give Him Kibud Av.
According to my orthopedist, stilettos are absolutely NOT orthopedically sound in any way, shape, or form. They are VERY attractive, and very attractING, and THAT is the reason why I don’t get why people who otherwise talk about tznius all day long, would even consider wearing them. They are distinctly untzniusdig, as they call attention to the leg in a very suggestive way.
Mind you, I am not saying women should not wear attractive clothing and shoes. This SPECIFIC type of shoe (especially in the Goyishe Velt) has a very immoral and suggestive connotation. For a woman to wear them in the privacy of her home for her husband to see – great idea. To be in public in them, just seems to me to be a little bit hypocritical for women who are forever talking about what constitutes proper neckline,skirt, and sleeve lengths, colors of clothing, fitted or loose. I guarantee you the men are noticing the stilettos at least as much, if not more than, the hem and necklines.
As to the added height issue – I am 5’2″ ( and shrinking, according to my doc). There are espadrilles, platforms, and 2″ wider heeled dressy shoes, all adding height without being overly suggestive. Mind you, I don’t really care what anyone chooses to wear on her feet. I am just expressing my inability to “get” how otherwise frum, modestly-attired women, rationalize wearing this type of shoe which is unquestionably not a modest look, when there are other fashionable shoes around. Stilettos were out of favor for a long time before they came back in recent years. And that was because of the orthopedic problems they cause. Oh well…
BTW, why on earth would ANYONE want to wear stilettos? Besides being extremely bad for the feet, causing potentially permanent damage to the achilles tendon and forming bunions, these shoes are designed specifically to be NON-tzniusdig. Their nickname is a very profane expression.
I am a little surprised to see frum women everywhere, wearing these (I am not being judgmental here, just taking note of the fact that this is not what I would typically expect to see on the many Yeshivish young women I see at Simchas, based on their feelings about tznius). About the only thing I can think of in their zechus is that if you are attacked by a mugger while wearing them, they make a good weapon.
Without even reading his reply, I just KNEW Poppa would have something to say!